Tacticular Cancer: We'll have your balls

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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Andyman Messiahgender: ⚧ Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    9,898
    Location:
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    Click here and disable ads!
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    These are the player characters. From left to right, we have a cat with a megaphone mounting a stuffed animal and oh my god fuck this shit


    Contents
    Chapter 1 - I'm gonna bomb your reactor! (part one)
    Chapter 2 - I'm gonna bomb your reactor! (part two)
    Chapter 3 - The greatest escape!
    Chapter 4 - Trains are kewl!
    Chapter 5 - Secret pinball machine elevator! (part one)
    Chapter 6 - Secret pinball machine elevator! (part deux)
    Chapter 7 - The one update I didn't pour my goddamn soul into!
    Chapter 8 - I'm gonna bomb your reactor revisited!
    Chapter 9 - A helpful voice in my head.
    Chapter 10 - Let's push barrels and meet mommies! (part one)
    Chapter 11 - Let's push barrels and meet mommies! (part two - no more barrels edition)
    Chapter 12 - A town filled with fucking morons!
    Chapter 13 - Another shitty update!
    Chapter X1 - The DoubleG Story!
    Chapter 14 - Colin Farrell pwns Elmyra Gainsborough!
    Chapter 15 - It's a long way to the top if you wanna save the world!
    Chapter 16 - Raiding the Shinra HQ with Kiefer and Colin!
    Chapter 17 - Escape from Shinra (part one)
    Chapter 18 - Escape from Shinra (part last)
    Chapter 19 - We got the hell outta Midgar for THIS?! (part fuck this shit)
    Chapter 20 - Holy shit it's a monster! (part two of WGTHOMFT?!)
    Chapter 21 - I'm walking through fire, oh wow! (part three of WGTHOMFT?!)
    Chapter X2 - Enemy Skillin' with Colin and Kiefer!
    Chapter 22 - Completely Useless!
    Chapter X3 - Fort Condor is for losers!
    Chapter 23 - Allow me to lay thee down, young Priscilla!
    Chapter X4 - Do you have any idea how racist or homophobic I can make this?
    Chapter 24 - Eh
    Chapter 25 - Mr Dolphin
    Chapter 26 - Parades and Lollipops
    Chapter 27 - Decline of the Let's Play Final Fantasy VII thread!
    Chapter 28 - Good day to cross a river!
    Chapter 29 - Scratch my balls with your scissors, babe!
    Chapter 30a - Unfunny title for the chapter goes here!
    Chapter 30b - Old friends never come without new avatars!
    Chapter 30c - Colbert '08
    Chapter 30d - Come sweet death, one last caress.
    Chapter 30e - Wino dealing with Dracula
    Chapter 30f - Hier Kommt Alex is really about Monopoly
    Chapter 30 recap and shit!
    Chapter 31 - Escape from Corel!
    Chapter 32a - Impatient fucks made this happen.
    Chapter 32b - Guess who just got the complete first season of CSI Miami?!
    Chapter X5 - What on earth happened to the mudkip and the little girl?
    Chapter 33 - Why am I not getting paid for this? I want to get paid for this. I'm okay with beer.
    Chapter 34 - Seriously, write me a check for a couple of beers. This is hard work. I deserve free beer.
    Chapter 35.28472 - I'm okay with hay too.
    Chapter 36 - Ninja Dolphin Cheerleaders from Hell!
    Chapter 37 - LIVE THE EAGLE!
    Chapter 38 - Mansions and Mountains
    Chapter 39 - Cid Highwind
    Chapter 40 - Yuffie's Quest 1 of 2
    Chapter 41 - Yuffie's Quest 2 of 1; limit fuck breaks; accidental home ownership; metagaming and one alcoholic brown horse, en-fucking-joy
    Chapter 42 - Date Night
    Chapter 43 - The Ancient Update of The Ancient Temple of the Ancient Ancients. Starring: Aeris the Ancient!
    Chapter 44 & 45 - Aeris Dies
    Chapter 50 - It's the start of the disc 2 as we know it
    Chapter 51 - Sore Boarding
    Chapter 52 - That's one ice hot bitch!
    Chapter 53 - GET TO DA ELEVATOR!! or Prelude to mindfuckery
    Chapter 54 - Search your feelings...
    Chapter 55 - ...You know it to be true.
    Chapter 56 - Bounce
    Chapter X6 - Oh Julie Second
    Chapter 57 - Every Day Is Wank In Your Poop Day!
    Chapter 58 - Black Man Walking
    Chapter 59 - It's Weapon!
    Chapter 60 - My butt says ouch!
    Chapter 61 - I like Cid because he reminds me of myself and I really like myself.
    Chapter 62 - The Day Al Wright Died.
    Chapter 63 - Cloud: retarded! Tifa: left behind! Barret: useless! Cid: new leader!
    Chapter 64 - The Hunt For Eych Emm Eych! or Andy Watched A Lot Of American TV When He Was Even Younger Than He Is Now!
    Chapter 65 - I Sverige gillar vi att äta pannkakor!
    Chapter 66 - Connect The Dots, Pt. 1 of 3
    Chapter 66 - Connect The Dots, Pt. 2 of 3
    Chapter 66 - Connect The Dots, Pt. 3 of 3
    Chapter 67 - Optional Things To Do
    Chapter 68 - The Underwater Reactor
    Chapter 69 - insert joke about the famous intercourse position here
    Chapter 70 - In which I admit I'm not the FF7 superstar everybody thinks I am
    Chapter 71 - Spacial Spatialities
    Chapter 72 - Screaming at the television
    Chapter 73 - All assholes have beards but not all beards have assholes
    Chapter 74 - WEAPON, huh? More like "MEH-PON", am I right?!
    Chapter 75 - Return to Midgar
    Chapter 76 - Full Circle
    Chapter 77 - There's absolutely no way I can pass up this great opportunity to end the lp with Chapter 77!
    Chapter 78 - No, I will not lp Crisis Core


    Fanart by Ratatosk

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  2. Andyman Messiahgender: ⚧ Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Parrots:
    9,898
    Location:
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    This is the main menu. The Mickey Mouse-glove will always point at "continue", even if you've never played the game before in your life, so let's just move it up to "new game" and let's get the party started.

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    There we go.

    And yes, I am running it on an emulator. It's a well-known fact that the only people that own the PC version of this game are in Al Qaida now.

    Anyway, intro time!

    Space!

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    Girl!

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    Nightlife!

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    Logo!

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    Train!

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    Violence!

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    Acrobatics!

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    And genuine black man vibe™! Damn, this game has it all!

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    Alright, now we're in control! First things first, let's run up to the first unconscious guy and grab his, count them, two potions.

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    And the second one.

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    We won't actually need them - like ever - but we can sell them for some cash if we ever need it. By the time we actually need to start doing some healing with items, we're going to be loaded with hi-potions. Does this mean I'm some kind of Final Fantasy virtuoso? No, thankfully not. The combat is just so damn easy.

    FACT: If you don't pick up the two potions from the first dude, you can get them from the second dude. So of course if you only pick up one potion from the first dude, you can then pick up the second from the second dude. Most players do this. I do not, because I'm awesome.

    Moving on, we're attacked by two soldiers with machine guns, but our guy have a big sword practically made out of penis envy so we're alright. It should be noted that in the world of Final Fantasy, any melee weapon - be it a sword, a broom, a comb or an umbrella - is SO much more deadlier than any ranged weapon of any kind. But remember that this is a fantasy. Never attack a guy holding a gun with an umbrella, children, unless you're Sherlock Holmes or Patrick Swayze.

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    Winning battles in FFVII takes strategy! You simply CANNOT just press the X-button like a fucking alcoholic lunatic on speed like some other LPers might have you believe. Button-mashing hurts, doesn't do much at all and makes the battles much more of a chore than they already are. You really don't need to make the game harder to get through than it already is so instead of acting like you do PR for Bethesda Softworks, here's what you do; calmly press the X-button when it's your turn to do so! Sounds easier, no? Oh, and always target the guy who hit you first so he's taken care of for the rest of the battle. That way, if you manage to kill the sorry son of a bitch you only get hit three times instead of four.

    It's all part of the master plan.

    This is the dude's victory pose. He swings his big penis sword around.

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    FACT: This dude have a head made out of jello, but you don't so don't try this at home with your father's favorite kitchen knife.

    From here on out, we will get random encounters and it might be a good idea to level up a bit if you want to. But then again you can also go jump off a bridge and you wouldn't do that, would you? So let's just move on. What happened to the people we came here with?

    Oh, here they are. Get to know them
    Show Spoiler
    because they won't die just yet.


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    Damn right. We're freelancing, bitch.

    FACT: SOLDIER is this kind of Elite Mercenary Group working for the evil lifeforce draining fucks of Shinra Corporation.

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    I'm not going to let you name him so say hello to Cloud Strife, first of the Squaresoft weathery name protagonists. Cloud is the original. Anyway, get to know him because we're going to be him for quite some time. According to the manual, Cloud is 21 years old and a highly skilled ex-SOLDIER mercenary with a dark and convoluted backstory that easily rivals Wolverine's of X-Men and Weapon X fame.

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    Cloud immediately show us exactly how badass he is by interupting Bigg's attempt at an introduction. Normally, I would think Cloud is a real douchebag for doing this but as we already know Bigg's name it's just effective storytelling! And Cloud's a fucking asshole. Is there anyone who can out-asshole him? Where's that big black man?

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    There he is! Meet Barret Wallace, leader of the resistance and the world's greatest surrogate father! Get to know him, we're going to read his black man's broken english dialogue quite a lot. He's really quite badass.

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    Yeah, you tell him, Barret!

    Alright, now for the people in the audience who might be wondering what the heck we're supposed to do here... Well, we're going to blow up a reactor. There's not much difference between terrorist and freedom fighter in Final Fantasy VII but in a world were the mighty corporations rule there's not much you can do if you're a peasant... other than blowing up reactors around the world! Let's get going!

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    On the way, we finally get introduced to the fat kid Wedge and the Star Wars reference for this Final Fantasy game is done.

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    Anyway, let's enter that big reactor and blow it up!

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    Barret now essentially explains the basic plot of the game. Evil company is draining the planet of its resources because they like money and because of this the planet is slowly dying. Or at least they think so. We actually don't have any proof of this yet so I suppose we'll just go along with it for now. Also: Barret does his angry black man routine of shaking his fist all over the place. Cloud doesn't give a fuck though because he's badass.

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    To be continued.
     
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  3. Sovy Kuroseigender: ⚧ Erudite

    Sovy Kurosei
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    In the future updates can you set up ePSXe up so that the graphics don't look so pixelated?

    Otherwise it's not bad.
     
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  4. Andyman Messiahgender: ⚧ Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Definitely. I missed a graphics whore-switch somewhere in the options so I'm currently remaking the future updates because of how shitty the screens turned out. I'll also fix the first update so no worries.

    Hang on.
     
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  5. Andyman Messiahgender: ⚧ Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    So Barret joins us out of spite and we are, honestly, a fucking force together! We have a job to do and now we can finally do it in style. There's not much else in this world I fear as much as a big black man with a machine gun hand prothesis and his white boy elite mercenary sidekick with his big penis envy sword. Not much else.

    Alright, before we do anything else, let's order Barret around a bit. I know you want to.

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    Barret uses a ranged weapon, which means it doesn't really make much sense that he have to be close to the enemies to shoot them. Eh? He can deliver the exact same damage at a distance, so move him back a bit. This means he'll take less damage. Not that he can't take it, but you know... It's good for weak melee users as well, so keep it in mind if you ever get any WEAK MELEE USERS LIKE AERIS at some point. Y'know.

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    Now let's do some bombing! We'll take the elevator right down to the target! Jessie comes with us because she's like that. Women!

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    Immediately, Barret starts yapping about the planet! You already told us, dammit! Either way, Cloud still doesn't give a fuck.

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    Being nonchalant and "cool" was a huge part of the 90's heroes in general. Comic books, movies and games, whatever, every cool hero was an antihero with a mean streak of some sort. It's only now that we finally realize how annoying they were. Either way, Barret starts shaking his fist again.

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    I've played this game lots of times and I can't remember if Barret is ever happy or anything other than angry or sad or angry and sad. Calm down, man. Either way, Barret is one angry black man for sure. Where's Richard Pryor when you need him? Dead? What the fuck? What's wrong with this world?

    Alright, I'm going to skip ahead. A lot of running and climbing up and down ladders on a very linear path eventually leads us to a save point.

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    Uh oh, we all know what that means, right? That's right, boss fight. Let's save our progress!

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    All done? Okay, now let's go beat up that boss and blow up this reactor!

    On the way, you get some restore materia.

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    You can't miss it as it's right in your way. It's nice but we can't use it yet since we won't get the materia tutorial for some time.

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    Even though he's a freedom fighter concerned with the planet's health and all, Barret doesn't seem to be much of an enviromentalist. You have to question exactly how much damage this bomb will do to the whole city, and not just the reactor. On the other hand, why did Shinra think it was a good idea to build huge ass reactors in the city? Oh well, at least Barret's paying us. He also want Cloud to do the bomb setting because he doesn't trust him.

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    Yeah, that's one way of saying it. Anyway, Cloud doesn't mind and so he...

    Whoa!

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    This is going to be the first of the many mindfucks of Cloud Strife. Stuff just popping up out of nowhere to mess with him for no apparent reason.

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    What does all this mean? Well, we won't find out until much later but right now it's just entertaining. Of course, being a man of stone Barret doesn't think this is funny at all.

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    Alrighty then, say hello to... THE MECHA SCORPION!!!

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    ... or whatever its called. Look, buy the strategy guide if you want accurate information and shit.

    This boss fight is, as you might guess, not very difficult even if you're running low on health. We're still in the quite comfortable tutorial land, so attack with magic or regular attacks and pay attention to what Cloud says - don't attack when the tail is up - and heal if you really, really need to. Other than the tail laser - which he only uses when you attack him when the tail is up - his attacks are harmless.

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    When he finally drops he leaves behind an Assault Gun, a weapon for Barret so remember to equip that right away.

    Alright, now it's time to leave.

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    Only, you have ten minutes to escape the reactor before you get a game over, so oh my gosh you better start running. Yes, that was sarcasm.

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    On the stressful escape from the soon-to-be exploded reactor, we help out Jessie who for some reason got her foot stuck in something. She says thanks for the service. What a nice girl.

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    Then she jump over us and runs the hell away. What a bitch. Ain't never letting Cloud go down on her again. You hear that, boy? Stay away from these jumping bitches.

    (picture of Jessie jumping over Cloud not captured)

    Alright, enough fooling around. We exit the reactor with almost seven minutes to go.

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    Oh my God, that was a close one. (I thought I had seven minutes?)

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    That's so freaking awesome, but, I'm pretty sure some of that debris fell on top of some civilians. Oh well. Take that, innocent civilians! If you're not with us, you're against us!


    To be continued.
     
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  6. Make America Great Again DarkUnderlordgender: ⚧ Bringing that old Raptor magic. Dumbfuck

    DarkUnderlord
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    So nobody ever questioned how fugly the characters looked when compared to their reasonably detailed backgrounds?
     
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  7. Castanovagender: ⚧ Prophet

    Castanova
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    At the time it looked badass enough. GOGO MATERIA SYSTEM! They should bring that thing back for the next FF game.
     
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  8. kingcomradegender: ⚧ Kingcomrade Edgy

    kingcomrade
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    I think there is a comparison to be made between the evil military industrial complex, ShinRa, devoted to raping the planet for profits, and the American government.
     
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  9. Lemundegender: ⚧ Scholar

    Lemunde
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    The same could be said for China which is more likely who they were referring to if you think about it.

    Anyways, nice to see this resurrected by someone willing to go all the way.
     
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  10. kingcomradegender: ⚧ Kingcomrade Edgy

    kingcomrade
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    Chinese government is based on eastern philosophies rather than corrupt we$tern capitalism. I don't think you could say China is raping the world for profits like Bush is, sticking his dick where it doesn't belong and nobody wants it, all for profits, because he's stupid.
     
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  11. MetalCrazegender: ⚧ Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    Russian government is no better.
     
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  12. WalterKindegender: ⚧ Scholar

    WalterKinde
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    I always identified the ShinRa corporation as the idea of the corporate lifestyle where profit is the only thing that matters regardless of the cost.
    And this knows no borders its a world wide phenomenon just look at all the multinational corporations out there, after all ShinRA in the game is THE ULTIMATE MEGACORP/CONGLOMERATE with bases/offices all over the planet.
     
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  13. Lemundegender: ⚧ Scholar

    Lemunde
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    I figured they got the idea from "The Company" in the Alien series.

    Here's an idea. For the rest of the thread instead of saying Shinra say Weyland Yutani. :lol:
     
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  14. Murkgender: ⚧ Prestigious Gentleman Arcane

    Murk
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    The deformed characters were a trademark of the genre, and 7, while definitely bringing teh revolushunz with its 2.5th dimension didn't want to be a pariah.

    Imagine if you will, that a stranger broke into your house and made a Zero Punctuation reference that then resulted in something unfunny I hate myself :(
     
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  15. Aridiousgender: ⚧ Novice

    Aridious
    Joined:
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    I never really got into the whole FF series. Hated the random combat, hated the combat system and particularly hated the fact cloud couldn't possibly lift that sword let along swing it.

    But then most jap RPG's are like that and I never rated them either, but then BG1 came out a year after FFIV and I just wonder how many prefer that to FFIV :)
     
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  16. Make America Great Again Jasedegender: ⚧ Prestigious Gentleman Arcane

    Jasede
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    GOD please no. This system is terrible, terrible. It makes no sense and it encourages grinding. Better systems:

    FF 1, FF 2, FF 3, FF 5, FF IX, FF X

    Ewww. God. I tried to like this game but the terrible, terrible materia system was the worst, next to the awful translation and the fugly graphics, not to mention the terrible story and the unlikable characters.
     
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  17. ghostdoggender: ⚧ Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
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    Fuck yeah , a proper ff7 LP ! now I don't have to play this game again and waste 100 hours of my life. I think you could do a lot better with the visuals with ePSXe though. Try to use some other filter and also add scanlines with a lot of brightness.
     
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  18. Andyman Messiahgender: ⚧ Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Yeah, I'm running filters like a crazy guy (OpenGL2 plugin, shaders, all kinds of stuff) and the shots still come out shoddy. No idea why but I'll try some scanlines in the next update. But otherwise this is the best I can do.

    Glad you like the LP. :)
     
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  19. Radisshugender: ⚧ Prophet

    Radisshu
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    I'm glad this thread exists. You gain fifty internet points.
     
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  20. MetalCrazegender: ⚧ Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    I prefer this shit pixelated. fuck filters. they will make the game look like some fucking goo
     
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  21. Andyman Messiahgender: ⚧ Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Yay!

    I sense so much attitude! Well, to be honest, the game still doesn't look better even when you run it through a bunch of filters. Scanlines managed to brighten it up a bit, though, so I guess that's some improvement.

    Update in the works.
     
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  22. Hümmelgümpfgender: ⚧ Arbiter

    Hümmelgümpf
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    Never had enough patience to finish this one. Thanks for the LP, Locue.
     
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  23. afewhoursgender: ⚧ Scholar

    afewhours
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    ha hah! You had me hooked at that sentence. I'm looking forward to this one.

    I don't think I could manage a Lets Play of this game - I'd start guiltily enjoying the damn thing. Final Fantasy games have this evil, compulsive quality to them. I've only just managed to shake the need to play all the damn things. I eventually fought off my addiction when I fired up FFXII and thought "Hang on, this looks like the Star Wars prequels."

    And yes, that means I completed FFX-2. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god...

    It's no fun being an emo-animefag. No fun at all.

    PS. Locue, could you do me a favour and not get Yuffie? I won't go into the reasons why.
     
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  24. Lesifoeregender: ⚧ Liturgist

    Lesifoere
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    But Yuffie provides so much lulz material. From the materia theft to... well, the dialogue that manages to be even more annoying than everyone else's badly translated semi-Engrish dialogue.

    This LP looks like it has potential, though. I like you, Locue.
     
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  25. Andyman Messiahgender: ⚧ Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    I FEEL LOVED!! :D

    Thanks, people. I'll do my very best to get through this game for everyone. And unfortunately for you, afewhours, I will get Yuffie and Vincent and every other little secret in the game. It's how I was raised. Can't help it. :(
     
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