Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Comrade Hamster said:

Mareus said:

Does anyone have any new information about Final Fantasy 7 remake for Playstation 3?

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Still just rumors for now, but we'll see when the time comes. Personally, I don't quite understand why they would remake it.

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Because million of fans want to see it happen.

I for one would buy the bloody PS3 just for that game. The graphic doesn't make the game great, but FF7 really could look better. Especially with those lego hands and stuff. Besides the game was not finished when it was released, so some old/new features might actually come to life. (Revival of Aeris?)

Mareus said:

Because million of fans want to see it happen.

I for one would buy the bloody PS3 just for that game. The graphic doesn't make the game great, but FF7 really could look better. Especially with those lego hands and stuff. Besides the game was not finished when it was released, so some old/new features might actually come to life. (Revival of Aeris?)

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Masses of fans want all sorts of things. In any case, what unfinished features are you talking about; the "revival of Aerith" comment has me a little confused. Speaking of Aerith, if anything gets changed, it needs to be that terrible translation.

Making a remake where you can revive Aries would be the height of homosexuality.

Comrade Hamster said:

Mareus said:

Because million of fans want to see it happen.

I for one would buy the bloody PS3 just for that game. The graphic doesn't make the game great, but FF7 really could look better. Especially with those lego hands and stuff. Besides the game was not finished when it was released, so some old/new features might actually come to life. (Revival of Aeris?)

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Masses of fans want all sorts of things. In any case, what unfinished features are you talking about; the "revival of Aerith" comment has me a little confused. Speaking of Aerith, if anything gets changed, it needs to be that terrible translation.

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I dont remember where I read it exactly, but someone who supposedly named himself a former Square employee said that the game was incomplete because they have taken out the event where Aerith resurrects in the story. Due to time constraints and unfinished programming codes, he accused Square of taking out the necessary materias, items and events to prevent her resurrection. Also the developers said that due to technology restrictions many of the things that were intended for FF7 were left out. Furthermore there are few parts where the devs forgot to do very important things, for example: taking the weapons from you when you get captured. Or when Barret has his hands tied, but when he gets into battle his weapons magically appear and his hands are untied. They remade FF1,2,3,4,5,6 didn't they? So why not remake FF7 which is the best of the whole series?

If that and million fans screaming for a remake is not good enough argument, then just ask yourself this:
When Baldur's Gate Trilogy mod came out didn't it make you happy? Didn't it made you wanna play the game again and wouldn't you even pay for the damn mod if you had to, just to be able to experience the game with a new flavour? It's like what Lucas did with Star Wars. He improved the effects of the old movies and it just made you happy. Wouldn't it just be nice to play an already great game but with better graphics? Graphic is like a cream on the top of the cake. It's not a necessity, but it would just be damn nice and if they fix some of those things they forgot to do, all the better.

I don't think porting a game counts as remaking it.

Also, Hamster, for god sake stop calling her Aerith I only have vague control of my nerd rage facilities.

sigh. the railroading makes it hard to feel 'fresh' when playing a re-make. And buying PS3 for it? Chill out man. What's the rush?

Mareus said:

It's like what Lucas did with Star Wars. He improved the effects of the old movies and it just made you happy.

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Are you serious, or did you miss all the "HAN SHOT FIRST AAAAA" nerdrage?

Personally, I neither care for, nor expose myself to many remakes. As for the Star Wars "enhancements," they were neat, but I didn't care much for them. I thought that Star Wars was fine the way it was made, despite the fact that it didn't live up to the dreams Lucas had when he made it (perhaps that might have been a good thing?).

And Kingcomrade...what's wrong with calling her Aerith? Aerith is the correct name, unless you want to go straight to me calling her Earth instead.

Edit: FF Origins didn't really do wonders for me. I like that they upgraded the original battle system to where you didn't attack vanquished enemies, but that was about it. Plus, they changed gold to gil, which was entirely unnecessary and homosexual.

YOU ARE NOT JAPANESE

kingcomrade said:

YOU ARE NOT JAPANESE

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I fail to see how that should prevent me from calling her...Aerith.

It doesn't prevent you, but it should, and that is why you are a bad person.

kingcomrade said:

YOU ARE NOT JAPANESE

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I must say, that graphic representation of nerd rage would be worthy of comparison to Edvard Munch's work if it weren't so pixellated.

In before Lyric Suite's scoffing

Squaresoft really dropped the ball on having FF6/FF5 ported to the PSX. Random battle blur, wait... wait... wait... wait, fight battle, win battle, wait... wait... wait... wait, finally return to the gameworld. Apparently all the PSX CD had was an emulator and an updated SNES ROM file of FF6/FF5.

Oh, I thought he meant the GBA games.

Never knew they had planned to make her revivable. Makes sense when I think about it. Not much reason in her having a level 4 limit break, for example. There also the thing in the church after she's dead that seems to be some unfinished code.

kingcomrade said:

Also, Hamster, for god sake stop calling her Aerith I only have vague control of my nerd rage facilities.

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she's not aries either.

DamnedRegistrations said:

Never knew they had planned to make her revivable. Makes sense when I think about it. Not much reason in her having a level 4 limit break, for example. There also the thing in the church after she's dead that seems to be some unfinished code.

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Given that Aerith's perma-death is now well-established basically canon, reviving her would be tantamount to blasphemy, whether or not the original intention was for her to be resuscitated at some point (which would've taken away the tragic element).

Edit: The official line on Aerith's "ghost" at the church seems to be that it's a glitch.

Well yeah, was a good thing that they didn't put that in. Just saying, the pieces are all there.

Sorry, didn't mean to come off as a douche, there was just some nerdrage left in here.

Sounds like an official line alright. You can actually keep her ghost around is the funny thing; it only requires talking to it before it disappears. The trick is that you can actually move (and speak) before the screen finishes loading. If you talk to her before she vanishes she sticks around. No lines or anything though, just stands there.

I would not want her to be resurrected either. It's what made the game so emotional for me. Still I want to see the game remade. Those blocky lego characters need to go. Also some things need to be fixed.

In this update I have taken a bold stand in the heated Aeris/Aerith debate. I ask that you please open your mind when reading it. Thank you.

Hello, boys and girls! It's me again. Time for another sensational update of Let's Play Final Fantasy VII! When we last left our beloved, slightly damaged heroes they had finished a strange tale of lost love and burning corpses that ultimately didn't do much to explain anything or exactly why they decided to save the world.

But why wouldn't you want to save the world?
Good question!
Really?
No.

Anyway, before we move on we need to steal something.

But stealing is wrong!
Not in this game, it ain't! And it's a great new weapon for Barret!
Oh yeah? What is it, white boy?
It's... ATOMIC SCISSORS! :D
That I can shoot? Shoot scissors at people?
No, that you can hit people with! :D
You want me to attach scissors to my...
THEY'RE ATOMIC SCISSORS! :D
...arm so I can hit people with it?
Yes. :D
Can I cut people open at least?
No.
But they're scissors!
You can imagine it but there's no animation or anything. :D
Fuck you, I'm sticking with my gun, thank you very much.
Why are you talking normal all of a sudden?
Huh? Oh! Eh, nigga can't talk all prop'rly n' shit all offa sudden huh?!! Damn white kids always keepin' a black man down!
I didn't mean it that way...
Suuu-uure you didn't, you racist fuck!
I'm not racist.

You steal the scissors from Custom Sweepers, the same robots that taught us Matra Magic.

Why would they have scissors?
They're ATOMIC scissors, remember?
Oh.
Ain't gonna fuckin' use 'em anyway!

Yes, you fucking are. It's much better than the crappy gun you have.

Anyway, the gang came found a strange farm!



Giant chickens!
Kill them!
No! Don't hurt them! I sense no hostility among these strange beasts. I shall go and attempt to communicate with them.
Cloud! No, stay away communication is fornication to them! They're gonna rape you! They're gonna rape Happy Meal! They're gonna rape all of us!
They what?
Huh?
RAPE CHICKEN!
Shut the fuck up, Colin! We don't need to give kingcomrade any excuses to track down chocobo porn and post it in the thread.
RAAAAAAAAPE CHICKEEEEEEEEEN!!!
All this meta stuff is so depressing.



This is... this is SUMMON MATERIA! How did we... why did it... uh...
I think I have a pretty good idea why...

Let's go thirty minutes back in time!

minifact: this is also how Gob looks like.

Fucking assholes. I don't need no fucking bird to cross a fucking swamp! I'll kill that fucking snake with my huge fucking sword and... hey! Hey, what the fuck are you looking at, bird?!
Kwehhh..?
You have a fucking problem, huh?!
Kwek!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6HMycoFG-Y

WTF is this shit? Eh, I'll leave it for Cloud. Loser's gonna need all the crap he can get. Fucking faggot.
Kweheheh!!!
Damn straight, birdy boy!
Kwehehehe!!!
Hehe, you ain't so bad, birdy. Well, see you later.
Kweh!

And then he tossed it on the ground for us to find! Yes, that's what happened! I'm sure!

Whatever. Alright, the only deal with the farm right now is to pick up the Choco/Mog summon and buy some chocobo-related stuff so we can capture a chocobo and outrun evil doom snake that lurks in the swamp. But guess what? I'm not showing you that. Nope. You got endless miles of dialogue about a crappy weapon you can pick up for Barret instead. That's the kind of quality you get, folks.

Asshole.



If you time it right you can actually avoid the snake without a chocobo. And if you're using an emulator and the joy of save states it's, well, pretty damn easy.

At the other side we see exactly what Sephiroth thinks about snakes!



Pretty badass, right? Do we really want to keep following him after seeing something like this? Of course we do! Onward! Into the dark scary cave!



Eh, it's not very dark or scary...

In this cave we have one thing to pick up. The enemy skill "flamethrower". Take it away, Colin!

RAPE CHICKENS!!

Ooo-kay. Take it away, Kiefer!

You learn the goddamn fucking useless fucking flamethrower fuck skill from these flying lizard fucks only encountered in the fucking room to the goddamn right.



Excellent!

Moving on, we encounter the... oh hey, it's the Rude, the hard-hitting, shadewearing black guy in blue from Secret Service! How you doin', man? Still after Quarter Pounder avec fromage?



Who are you?
...do you know who I am?
I just goddamn fucking asked you!
Hey, I'm the main character. Whenever you party members get to say a line it's just filler. Doesn't mean anything.
Oh. Sorry.
...don't feel bad... happens to everyone...
You're from the Turks, right?
...well if you know, this won't take long...

FACT: This is, of course, a big fat load of bullshit.

It's difficult to explain what the Turks do...

FACT: No, it's not.

Kidnapping, right?
To put it negatively... you could say that...

FACT: Rude is what we call "a bit fucking slow".

But, that's not all there is to it, anymore...

Jesus fucking tapdancing Christ on a fucking pogo fuck stick! Just say it!

..................

FACT: We're going to be here all day unless a blonde girl walks in and saves the day.

....................
Sir! It's alright, Rude! I know you don't like speeches, so don't force it! Allow me!

FACT: Thank you, Lord, for creating blonde girls that can walk right in and save the freaking day.



What? He jumped off that goddamn pillar all by myself!
But only because you horrible people frightened him!!!
Uh, yeah whatevah!

Meet Elena. Elena is what you would normally call "stupid blonde comic relief girl" or "a stupid fucking idiot" but right here, and only here, she's actually "my goddamn hero". Check that hair, people! It's fucking GOLDEN!!

But hey, I'm not complaining. Because of what you did to Reno, I got promoted to the Turks! Our job is to find out where Sephiroth is headed, and to try and stop you every step of the way!
Seems alright. I guess.



Look, everyone! It's Tseng! Hi, Tseng!

There's no need to give away our orders to the enemy.
Yeah, you really screwed up, Elena. We had no idea at all that you guys were going to follow us around on this quest.
There's no need to be sarca...
Shut up, Elena! You heard what he said. You screwed up! Now how will we carry out these orders?
But...
Just get the fuck outta here.



(Hehe. Wink.)
Elena!
Oh fuck you. You don't think they're going to head over to the only goddamn town in sight eventually?
That's how we work, Elena! If you don't like it, then you can get the fuck outta here!
Meh.
You too, Rude!
............................................................................ what did I do?
Nothing. You're just black!
.... what?
And you have better things to do!
.............................................................................
What're you waiting for?!
............................................................................ oh yeah.
Uh?



Oh right. Yeah, say hello from me.
............................................................................ will do.

Assholes. Get outta here! I wanna talk to Big Whooper for a sec! Hi, Big Whooper!
What the fuck, dude. You smacked me up!
Yeah, I know. Work privileges...
What the fuck!
Looks like you got away from Shinra for a while, now that Sephiroth reappeared.
So what are you saying? That I should be grateful to Sephiroth?
Uh, no... Well, I won't be seeing too much of you, so take care.
Strange, hearing that from you.
I hit you ONCE! ONCE, WOMAN! ONCE!



FACT: And from now on, the Shinra apparently isn't interested in Grill Sandwich.

How about that, huh? Oh well, we can finally exit the cave! The first thing we see is...



Fort Condor. Yeah, it's another fucking minigame. It's completely optional right now but I always do it to get some nice prizes, particularly a good weapon for Nanaki. I don't really want to cover it in an update but if you really wanna see it, I'll do it. I prostitute myself if you ask me to and do the walk of shame all the way to Photobucket. Don't expect anything remotely special, though. Also I'm going to hate you so you're gonna have to live with that.

So: Fort Condor, yay or nay?


Epilogue

Dear diary. Just minutes after emerging from the cave we ran into a strange teenage ninja girl!



Apparently she's just sixteen and already a full-fledged ninja thief materia hunter girl bitch. She attacked us while we were killing evil birds in the forests.



Neither could we! In fact, we were so upset by this whole ordeal that we just kept on ignoring her, thinking maybe she was only a bad dream. But here she is now, following with us on our humble quest to save the world and confront Sephiroth.



Her name is Yuffie. She has a penis.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Locue said:

In this update I have taken a bold stand in the heated Aeris/Aerith debate.

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Where?

Anyway, this update was way too long and filled with inane chatter nearly the entire time. Congratulations on perfectly capturing the feel of the game.

Edit: Actually, now that I've actually gone back and read some of the previous updates...I don't think I'll be reading any more...maybe.

you said:

Where?

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You're not paying attention. Get the fuck outta of my thread!