Chapter 73 - All assholes have beards but not all beards have assholes
IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, our heroes didn't do anything but talk about useless crap. Now join in on update 73 where our heroes do nothing but talk about useless crap, again. Well, there's also two dragons involved so that'll make the update a little less boring at least, whooaaaa...
Bugenhagen, we need your help. Tell us what do next.
What to do? Have you lost your way? When that happens we each have to take a good long look at ourselves. There is always something in the deepest reaches of our hearts. Something buried, or something forgotten. Remember it. Whatever that is, must certainly be what you're all looking for.
That's easy enough to say, but I don't remember a thing.
It must be there! Look harder!
What a fucking beardhole! Cloud, call in the rest of the group. We're going to search the fuck outta our hearts.
Alright.
Ring a ding ding, hey come up here, bitches.
And up here they came.
I want to mention something before we continue. The following talk-scene is one of the most damaged and disturbing scenes of all talk-scenes in the game. The translation team really fucking showcased their ineptitude with this one. Nothing makes sense. The sentences are a goddamn mess. If there was proof reading done for this game, which I doubt, this is where they fell asleep and just passed it along. I have tried my best to make it comprehensible, because there's no way I'm transcribing this piece of shit conversation as it is in-game. If you want to look at it, find a script file at gamefaqs or something. I don't recommend it, but I'll leave it up to you. Alright, let's continue.
Well, remember anything?
Nope, not a thing.
Fuck you, old man.
I remember... Aeris... a lot.
Goddammit, Cloud. That fine ass bitch is dead. You gotta move on, playa.
Well, I still...
Look, there's plenty girls out there with nice asses who can talk to flowers, Cloud.
It's not that...
She was so close we couldn't see her. What Aeris did... The words she left behind...
I was the same...
Me too...
Me too.
ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
She said she was the only one who could stop Sephiroth's Meteor.
But Aeris is gone.
Well, we ain't no Ancients if that's what you mean.
Here's a question. Why did she even go to that place?
That's it!
What?
We don't know! What did Aeris know? Why did she face Sephiroth without running away?
You mean... Oh, maybe she returned to that place again?
Hmm... perhaps I'll have you take me there.
You going too?
Yeah, what's so surprising, dickweed? If the crazy hundred year old beardhole wants to come with us all the way to the snowy wastelands, I say we let him.
Also, I have been here on Cosmo Canyon most of my life. I would really like to get out of this shithole.
Oh Cid, you wacky atheist.
Notice how Cid already walked out? That's a guy I can relate to.
We're carrying around Huge Materia. It's really delicate stuff and we'd like to keep it safe. I know this place is just full of hippie environmentalist retards but I think it'd be the perfect place for it.
Alright, we'll store it upstairs. Also take this third Bahamut summon materia.
Thanks.
NOW LET'S FLY LIKE THE WIND TO THE FORGOTTEN CAPITAL ONCE MORE!!!
And also teen spirit! I love smells. I can smell anything. Ask me about smelling.
I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE
MUCH SMELLING LATER!
Well, here we are again!
Fuck you.
That you're a disgusting beardman who should have died a long time ago?
GEE, THANKS A LOT FOR THAT INFO.
Uh huh...
Uh huHHHHH...
Right.
I said ri--
Is that why Aeris went here and got herself killed?
You sick bastard.
Oh yes, and when Holy is used, everything will disappear!
What?
That sounds like a really bad deal, gramps!
Why? It's really up to the Planet to decide. What is best for the Planet? What is bad for the Planet? All that is bad will disappear. That is all.
I wonder what we are...
I'm going to kill this owlman now, okay, Cloud?
Wait. So our best chance is to find Holy, right?
Oh yes.
Aeris had it...
.. but she... she...
... returned to the Planet, yes yes.
So how do we... oh shit it must be lost forever.... This is the end! Fuck!
I'LL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING OWL, I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Can you read it?
How old do you think I am?
Old enough to make yourself useful before I relocate your brains to your ass.
Wow, that sounds cool, Cid.
I sure wasn't joking.
You better get to translating this shit, old man.
I'm not an Ancient. I can't read this.
Then why the fuck did you... oh you trying to save some time, huh? Right, right... Cid!
Wait! I might be old, but I can still see pretty damn well!
Yeah, you can see it's in a foreign language, asshole!
Look closely, Cloud. Over there.
Alright, question. How the fuck do you miss a goddamn note? Seriously, I wanna know.
A key? To what?
I don't know. But it's probably important!
Not important enough to save your life, asshole!
Wait, Cid! Böghagen, I mean Bugenhagen, what does it mean. Come on, man.
Hmm, well, if the music box... maybe it's the one over there.
Oh hey, a music box.
Yeah, we'll put the key in it. See what happens.
Genius!
Brilliant!
"#¤%&!! That's not a fucking music box, that's a fucking stone with some blue shit swirling inside it!
Brilliant!
Genius!
Shut the fuck up!
When Bugenhagen puts the key inside the... music box... a mysterious waterfall appears!
See?
Go inside it. Hope may be inside it. Or...
Or... what?
I don't know. Just go inside.
I don't think I want to.
But inside the waterfall he goes! Because we'll be here for another two years if I'm going to fan fiction the fuck out of every little scene in the game.
Look! Look at the image projected on the screen of the water.
Oh hey look guys it's Aeris.
And it looks like they're showing us what we already know.
Fantastic.
This scene is the most memorable scene in the entire game. Why would we need to watch it again? Sephiroth's not even in it!
And there goes Holy.
Into the water, yeah, seen it already.
Yup, there it is.
Ho ho hooo!!! It's pale green!
Aeris...
Wait! You're going to hold a monologue now, right?
Yeah, I mean... I thought it'd be fitting to summarize what I've learned and... Shouldn't I?
Not only should you, you have to! Just thought I'd warn everyone.
Aeris... Aeris had already prayed for Holy. After I gave up the Black Materia to Sephiroth..... Aeris' words came into my dreams.... She said, she was the only who could stop Sephiroth.... And to do that, there was a secret here.... That was Holy..... That's why, she had the White Materia. Aeris knew about here... and what she had to do. Aeris has left us great hope. But it cost her her life... her future... I'm sorry, Aeris. I should have figured this out much sooner. You left us without saying a word.... It was all so sudden, so I couldn't think.... That's why it took so long for me to figure it out... But, Aeris, I understand now...
And all of this pretty much brings our heroes up to date with what most players, I hope, already figured out.
Our heroes are just about to backtrack to the airship when SUDDENLY!
Incoming transmission!
What happened?
You remember when the Junon Cannon disappeared? Actually Rufus moved it.
Yeah, to Midgar. You should know this crap already.
Where?
Oh fuck you, Cloud.
Rufus wants to use the cannon to destroy Sephiroth. That cannon operates on Huge Materia, but whatever they had was used up in the rocket plan.
Well, actually a daring team of anime heroes took all of it and hid it on a mountain of marijuana.
So since the cannon's useless now, he decided to move it.
Why?! If the cannon's useless, and trust me it's useless, why would you... oh forget it!
To a place where Materia, no Mako is gathered.
Where the fuck do you think, asshole?
Midgar of course!
Man, I seriously miss that place. We should return there as soon as possible.
Because I'm mexican? That's hardly fair, sir.
You're mexican?
*sigh*
...my name is Steve.
Gya ha ha ha!! Even a monkey can do it, Reeve!!
*sigh*
Just remember that it's no longer called The Mako Cannon. From now on, it's called...
Okay. Why?
Because a chick with a dick is hot!
I agree!
*sigh*
Man, what a group of asses with holes in 'em! We better get over there as soon as possible.
Alright, so we backtrack all the way back to the Highwind...
Wow, remember this place?
Fuck you!
And we're just about to board the airship when SUDDENLY
The earth shaketh and quaketh!
What could possibly be causing something so horrible?
IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE GUNDAM WING ROBOT TRANSFORMER GODZILLA THING!!
Where's it headed?
Midgar.
MIDGAR!! MUTHAFUCKA WEAPON IS GONNA TEAR UP MIDGAR!?
Looks that way...
MARLENE'S IN DANGER! WE GOTTA STOP THAT THING!!
Aeris' mama... who lives in fucking Midgar, you stupid fuck!
Barret...
No, fuck you, man! She's my daughter!
Barret! I've been itching to say this to you a long long time now.
Barret Wallace - A fucking asshole, established just fucking now!
Reeve Tuesti/Cait Sith/Deceive - Arguably the most human character in the team, also established just fucking now!
Protect the planet, huh? Hah! That sounds good, alright. Ain't no one that'd go against ya. So ya think you can do whatever you want?
I don't wanna hear that from anyone in Shinra!
Nuthin' I can do about that...
Stop it!
What we did in Midgar can't be forgotten no matter what the reason. We haven't forgotten, either.
...
I know you, Reeve.
... it's Steve.
You can't quit the company because you're worried about the people of Midgar, right?
.....
Cloud? Do you want to say anything?
Note to self: never ask Cloud if he wants to add anything when you're settling a dispute.
We gotta get there as soon as possible! Let's do it!
To be continued...