I leave town for a few days to dump a couple of dead bodies in the ocean and you're already yapping at me about updates! You want an update? Fine! Here's your goddamn update! Are you happy now, you son of a bitch?
Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy VII! In the last update we picked up a new party member; Yuffie Kisaragi - Junon Forest's local jailbait ninja tranny hooker. We also showcased the finer points of climbing ropes and stairs in Fort Condor, much to my dear Lovecraftian friend Vince K's dismay. In this update you will see exactly why dolphins are the smartest type of dog there is.
But before all that, though, I would like to explain why I think Yuffie is the greatest party member you could ever have, in any game ever.
Okay, let's see what we have here... She's wearing some mean tank top and daisy dukes, some weird ninja shield on her left arm... a bandana, bandanas are awesome, man. I mean, you can totally spell it like a banana and noone'd notice. Uh, what else... hmm... she's having an orgasm... yeah, orgasm's are cool. Yes, I mean, all these things are great and all but they're not exactly what I'm looking for, try agai... what? What's that? What's that thing she holds in her hand, you ask? I'm glad you asked, Hawkeye! That, my friend, is a
gigantic ninja throwing shuriken star cross of doom!
And because she has a
gigantic ninja throwing shuriken star cross of doom is exactly why she's awesome. In fact, she's just so awesome I won't use her until I really, really have to. I know what you're thinking. "Andy, you sexy taxidermist! Why wouldn't you use Yuffie if you think she's so great and all? I get the feeling you're trying to trick us! You don't really think Yuffie is so great, do you?! You're such an asshole!" And to which I reply: "Exactly."
Yuffie is an annoying whining little twelve year old shithead who constantly gets in your way, hinders your progress and charges way too much for a goddamn blowjob that isn't much of a party anyway because she forces you to wear a condom flavoured with pineapples. Pineapples! What the fuck?!
100% my ass. Should've listened to that guy with that wolf avatar. Let's just move on with the game before I kill someone.
Junon is essentially two cities and two military complexes baked together into one single pixellated mega cannon world map avatar.
I thought about writing "That penis looks like a town!" but I thought it'd be too tacky, y'know? Anyway: "Boy howdy" you say, "that sounds like a great place if you like action!" And to which I respond: "You dumb piece of shit. Get the fuck out of here."
Junon is terribly boring. Just like Midgar, it's a city that used to look great but then Shinra came and built another city on top of it! For reasons that escape me. And just like Midgar, the only objective of coming to THIS town is to find a way to get far, far away from it and get to the NEXT town! See, we're out to get Sephiroth and even he wouldn't have the attention span required to stay in any one town for more than fifteen minutes. The cities in Final Fantasy VII all suck. No, wait. Let's do one of these fact-thingies properly for once. It's been a while.
FACT: All the cities in Final Fantasy VII suck. No exceptions.
And they're all a bunch of Apache emofags to boot, what the fuck, dude? What manner of moron wrote your dialogue? Jesus fuck! Let's go to the beach!
Mr. Dolphin?
Fuck Jesus! Let's get the fuck away from the beach!
No, little Priscilla. We're the heroes!
Obviously the least insane person in the game. What can we do to gain her trust? Where's a big, slimy seamonster when you need it the most?
Excellent!
FACT: Seamonster #636 and Mr. Dolphin have the exact same animation.
Alright. Boss fight. If you attached that Choco/Mog summon materia to Clouds weapon this fella should go down in five seconds. If not you're a terrible little alien who should be shot. I'm sorry but I didn't write the rules. Beating off a terrible seamonster we find that little Priscy ain't moving! Gasp!
We can always hope.
Cloud!
Well, let's just wait a bit. She might just wake up all by herself.
Luckily for the heroes, a mysterious old man appears!
And he knows exactly what to do!
And Cloud has the most adorable reaction!
And Tifa is a stupid fucking idiot! (As fucking usual.)
I think she's dead now...
Hmm... That doesn't sound too accurate. Let's check The Big Book of Knowledge! Here's a picture of me and The Big Book of Knowledge, by the way. Please look longily at it while I go to peruse it. Feel free to take your pants off.
Alright, while that old man's method of blowing seems good and all I think we should give Nick Fury's method a try. He is the Marvel Comics superspy after all!
I sure am!
David Hasselhoff? What the fuck are you doing here?
I was in the neighbourhood! So what's up?
*sound of gunshot*
*image of bullet tearing through David Hasselhoffs head*
Ugh...
Sorry I'm late. My rocketpowered motorcycle crashed into a wall again!
Great to have you with us, Nick Fury [as drawn by Jim "Beefcake" Steranko]!
Got a cigar?
Got your shirt off?
Har har har!!
So you're going to teach us how to do proper CPR, huh?
I am. As an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and general badass extraordinare, I often find myself in situations where I need to be able to perform CPR and other lifesaving techniques. And I can tell you right now, Andy, that you should never go to visit a "con-soul are-pee-gee" player if you have a condition where CPR might save your life.
Why is that, Nick?
Because that fucking loser friend won't be able to save your life. You can hear it in the name, Andy. Console! There's a con in that console! And if he's been playing Final Fantasy 7 just seconds or minutes or hours or years before you fall down before him with a look that says "can't breathe can't breathe" and that's the only medical experience and only medical training he's ever been exposed to? You're dead, Andy. You're gonna be so dead it ain't even gonna be funny. And that friend of yours? He's gonna be in the papers and everyone's gonna write "hero friend tried to save Andy - failed".
Alright, can you tell us what Cloud is doing wrong here, Nick?
Nick?
There's not enough money or hookers in the world that could help me put into english what this Cloud-character is doing wrong. I'm out of here, Andy. Never fucking call me again.
What? But Nick!
Read Secret Invasion!
Son of a bitch! Oh well, I guess it's up to me then.
Hey, she's okay!
She is?
Yeah!
Whew! Well, I guess Nick was wrong about those console rpg players! You can save lives even if what you're doing is completely wrong! Here's a
link I found in The Big Book of Knowledge! I think it should come in handy, should you ever wish to save another human being's life by kissing them inappropriately on the mouth.
That sure is one happy old guy!
...
...
What? There wasn't anything suspicious about that, was there?
Not at all, Cloud!
To be continued!