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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
11,079
MOOOAAARRRRRRRR !!!!!!!
 

Murk

Arcane
Joined
Jan 17, 2008
Messages
13,459
skyway's complaints make no sense to me

focus on the gameplay, that's the real draw of any scenario based tactical rpg

you don't need any one class to beat the game. i replayed the game using only squires and got through most of it, and in just about every play through i tend to solo with just ramza once i hit level 20 or so.

try to solo the first level with just ramza and delita, it's 50% your cunning and 50% "omfg why did the ai have delita run into 5 enemies with half health".

doable though!
 

Murk

Arcane
Joined
Jan 17, 2008
Messages
13,459
eh, i'll level... well not really, but offer to help

what level are you stuck on and what is your main party's stats? if your characters are of lower level than the enemies units in the story battles then just go level up a bit as you should in any game
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
Patron
Joined
Feb 23, 2006
Messages
28,396
Location
Not Here
Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
afewhours said:
Locue said:
She's saving it up for the big dramatic reveal, you oaf!

Hmmm. So it seems the entire plot of Final Fantasy VII can be summed up as Tifa being a massive tease? :D Well, it's easier to explain than all that bollocks about Sephiroth/Jenova/GHLUAGHLUAGHAGGG.

The problem here is....uh...you really want me to spoil it here? I'm giving a lot of space















What happened at Nibel:
Cloud was out of sight. She didn't see her. It freaked her out, how did he know all this shit when he wasn't supposed to be there? She waited and watched him to make sure.

Cloud was actually there in the night of Nibel, but he was just a mere Shinra trooper. Too embarassed to tell Tifa that he is just a loser or anyone else for that matter.

He just stayed in the inn. Never going out. The only soldier to survive to the Mako Reactor is him. Zack actually tried to kill Sephy but failed. Cloud who arrived too late, managed to critically wound Sephy before he too was left for dead. Then the Shinra covered up the whole thing and took both Zack n Cloud as guinea pigs. Cloud wasn't doing so hot, being in half vegetable states, Zack kept telling him about his life etc...and somehow Cloud just took it as his own somewhat 'established identity', minus the name.

They tried to escape from Shinra who hunted them down. But Zack didn't make it. And Cloud was left to die in the waste in a vegetative state, somehow he recovered to make it to Midgar where Tifa found him at the train station with Zack's sword and 1st class SOLDIER uniform. Cloud never tried to clear up his muddled past, just accepting that he made it out alone. And Zack never existed. Who cares? He's a hero. Isn't that enough?

This just made shit worse cause Sephy knew the truth, but was gonna mindfuck him into convincing him that there was no Cloud, he's just a reconstructed clone of some random dude named Cloud. When presented with that possibility, our Blonde hero went into perma-mindfuck cause he couldn't answer the questions or cover his own plotholes on his own. With the testimonies against him, he didn't stand a chance.

He wasn't there at Nibel reactor. Tifa didn't see him.
Zack was there. Aerith knew he died there and Tifa took a picture with him and Sephy back at Nibel.
There was a Cloud. But he left no trace after leaving Nibel when he was a kid and never heard from again till he resurfaced in Midgar.

Enough mindfuck for you?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Why hello there, my adorable puppy beatniks. I'm not posting beyond the grave, I've just been kinda immobilized and outta touch with a computer. Wasn't meant to happen, but when your family calls are you just gonna let that phone ring? Hell no!
So this thread's gonna hang for awhile and I'd apologize for that but I just don't have it in me. Here's a :wink: smiley to go along with that harsh sentence, and here's another. :wink: If you thought this thread was kind of entertaining, don't worry. I shall return, alright?

But for now... hey, here's something I wrote.

- TONTO!
- Yes, Kemosabe?
- FETCH MY RIDING SLIPPERS AND BRUSH MY TORNADO'S ARSE! (I imagine he's delivering this line with a particularly messy Manchester accent.)
- Yes, Kemosabe.
- WE'RE GOING ON THE ROAD AGAIN!
- Yes, Kemosabe.
- DO I LOOK GAY IN THIS MASK, TONTO?
- Yes, Kemosabe.
- ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, TONTO?
- Yes, Kemosabe.
- WE SHALL RIDE INTO THE SUNSET!
- Ouch, Kemosabe.

Also some off topic rants: I haven't checked the Dark Heresy thread, but I'm sure Gob's gotten his ass ritually gangraped with a flamethrower-chainsaw-minigun and tossed into space where his body will drift endlessly into space until it is picked up by strange celestial beings who will mistake his puncture wounds for stigma. They will resurrect him, worship him like a God, follow whatever teachings he can be bothered to give them (mostly about ordering proper Mojitos) until he is betrayed, raped once more and tossed into space again. I will be disappointed by anything less and so I'm terrified to look in the thread.

If I'm not dead: kill me and take my loot. I have a +6 Warhammer in my ass and yes, that really was the joke.

Hugs and cuddles.
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
Locue said:
Also some off topic rants: I haven't checked the Dark Heresy thread, but I'm sure Gob's gotten his ass ritually gangraped with a flamethrower-chainsaw-minigun and tossed into space where his body will drift endlessly into space until it is picked up by strange celestial beings who will mistake his puncture wounds for stigma. They will resurrect him, worship him like a God, follow whatever teachings he can be bothered to give them (mostly about ordering proper Mojitos) until he is betrayed, raped once more and tossed into space again. I will be disappointed by anything less and so I'm terrified to look in the thread.
Sounds like a life to be envied.
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Fat Dragon said:
Locue said:
Also some off topic rants: I haven't checked the Dark Heresy thread, but I'm sure Gob's gotten his ass ritually gangraped with a flamethrower-chainsaw-minigun and tossed into space where his body will drift endlessly into space until it is picked up by strange celestial beings who will mistake his puncture wounds for stigma. They will resurrect him, worship him like a God, follow whatever teachings he can be bothered to give them (mostly about ordering proper Mojitos) until he is betrayed, raped once more and tossed into space again. I will be disappointed by anything less and so I'm terrified to look in the thread.
Sounds like a life to be envied.
Do want.
 

Murk

Arcane
Joined
Jan 17, 2008
Messages
13,459
and with blessing from the emperor, gob was given the imperial 'power fist(ing)'
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
fake edit: Apologies to anyone who came with joy when they saw a new post in this thread and expected an update.

Updates are on the way. Expect them tomorrow, the tomorrow after that tomorrow and the tomorrow after the tomorrow of this tomorrow. That's three updates for you, proving that I haven't just jacked off to blue alien space porn all month.

I've been re-reading Harlan Ellison too. :oops:
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
'Ey, babes and boys, we be coming back from the lands of de dead to bring you more japanese-jamaican roleplaying shenanigans!

When we last left off, Cloud and Yuffie got into some kind of weird argument about Oasis and I promised the following!

Lying motherfucker said:
Edit: I'll chime in here with an edit that updates will be a lot more regular from now on. At least I'll try harder. We'll see how it goes.

My heart is filled with the blackest of all shame.

barretwallace.jpg
Hey!

Uh, WHITEST of all shame!

barretwallace.jpg
Thas' muthafuckin' better!

Yes, as you can see, my co-commentator for the update is none other than the brownest of all black men: Barret "Machine Gun Man" Wallace!

barretwallace.jpg
Thank you, white boy.

So when we last left you guys...

barretwallace.jpg
We were standing 'round an' list'ning to some muthafuckin' nazi parade music while you were jerkin' to Blackie Lawless.

Ah yes. Good memory, Barry!

barretwallace.jpg
Barry?

Barret. I said Barret.

barretwallace.jpg
Could have sworn you said Barry.

Nope.

barretwallace.jpg
'Cause if ya did, lemme tell ya... the other guy who called me Barry I dropped down a muthafuckin' canyon! Got that, white boy?

Got it.

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Good. Well, us black men are like elephants, ya know? We don't forget nuthin'! An' you know what else I remember? The last time I heard this nazi type music, the Shinra president were goin' through town on a big car. I knew what the fuck was goin' on!
_______________

661_nofuckerescapedwiththechopper.jpg


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No, fucker escaped in a helicopter 'fore I could finish him off.
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That's so fuckin' typical of you, spikey! You always let 'em bad dudes escape in fuckin' helicopters!
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Didn't have much to do with it.
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Typical!
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I'm telling you he jumped five meters up and grabbed hold of the helicopter with one hand while holding a big shotgun with the other!
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How could he do that?
yuffie.jpg
Handjobs.
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ZING!
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DING!
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CHING!
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???
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Oh really?
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Or so I heard.
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So that muthafucker Rufus gives handjobs?
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I get the feeling we should try and crash that parade ASAP!
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Yeah, you're right, Cloud. ASAP!
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You don't know what ASAP means, do you, flower girl?
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ASAP!

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tifalockhart.jpg
What the fuck is up with you and climbing shit all the time, Barret?
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Hey, climbing is my life!
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Right. Anyway, I don't think we can all climb up.
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What? We're actually GONNA climb all the way up?
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It sounds like a good plan.
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But there's a fucking elevator right over there!
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Yeah, but there's a guard.
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Not following you.
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We can't risk it.
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WE'VE KILLED HUNDRED THOUSANDS OF GUARDS SO FAR! YOU WOULD'VE THOUGHT IT WOULD'VE DRAWN ATTENTION TO US AFTER THE FIRST HUNDRED AND FIFTYTHREE AND A HALF!
aeris_portrait.jpg
That doesn't make it right, Cloud.
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I'm outta here!
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What? No, you have to climb up.
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What? Give me one reason why I should climb up!
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Well, I only got one good arm, whitey!
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And I'm frail.
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You're not frail!
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I am!
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Whatever, what about you, Yuffster?
yuffie.jpg
Can't risk my testosterone treatment.
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Your what?
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Uh, I mean it's that time of the month again.
tifalockhart.jpg
Hey, that's even better. Yeah, it all starts leaking terribly if I do any kind of climbing, Cloud. Why risk it?
aeris_portrait.jpg
Yeah, me too. Why risk it?
cloudstrife.jpg
Women! How about you, Nanaki?
Redxiii.jpg
...
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Oh right, I almost forgot you were a talking tiger.
tifalockhart.jpg
So you see now, Cloud? You have to do it.
cloudstrife.jpg
*sigh*

663_LETSLEAVEEVERYTHINGTOCLOUD.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, how do I do this? Priscilla, you look like you know how this can be done.
priscy.jpg
Well, you can't just climb up from the ground.
cloudstrife.jpg
Why?
priscy.jpg
The water is lava!
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No, it's not.
priscy.jpg
No, you're right. But the structure is, like, electrified or something.
cloudstrife.jpg
Wouldn't that mean the water is...
priscy.jpg
No.
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But surely...
priscy.jpg
No.
cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, so how do we do this?
priscy.jpg
Mr. Dolphin can catapult you up to a safe ledge.
cloudstrife.jpg
WHAT?!
priscy.jpg
Good luck, Cloud.

663_LETSLEAVEEVERYTHINGTOCLOUD.jpg


_______________

So the plan was that Cloud would use a dolphin to catapult himself to the top?

barretwallace.jpg
Sure was, white boy. I came with him to send him off.

To send him off?

barretwallace.jpg
None of us thought he'd actually make it and I drew the shortest straw.
________________

664_eally.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
This is bullshit.
priscy.jpg
This is the most intelligent creature in the world.
cloudstrife.jpg
Guess that's why he ran away as soon he saw that monster.
priscy.jpg
*Swam* away.
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Whatever. I have a strange urge to go back to Fort Condor and kill stuff right now.
priscy.jpg
What? Now?!
cloudstrife.jpg
Yes, now. I'll be back in a sec.
priscy.jpg
Will you be back later?
cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah, yeah.

665_fortcondor3.jpg


655_fortcondor2.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Ah, the glory of tank rushing! Well, guess I gotta go back and play with that shark now.

666_positionyourselfhere.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, let's do this!
barretwallace.jpg
Finally!

*FLIP!*

cloudstrife.jpg
Ta-dah!!

667_tada.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Good job, Cloud! We'll meet you upstairs as soon as possible!
aeris_portrait.jpg
ASAP!
cloudstrife.jpg
How will you do that?
tifalockhart.jpg
I dunno! We'll kill that guard by the elevator or something!
cloudstrife.jpg
YOU WHAT?!
tifalockhart.jpg
Keep going! You're doing good!
cloudstrife.jpg
I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

*much climbing later!*

668_airship.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
That's one fucking big airship.
___________________

barretwallace.jpg
That’s one fucking small white ass, HAR HAR HAR!!

You’re such a nasty old black man.
__________________

669_thatthingishuge.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Wonder if I ever get to fly it around the world some day? Fuck, where do I go? A door, a door... Ah, a door!

670_diditriggerthis.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Whoops!

671_whatluck.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
How lucky am I to be taken for a new Shinra recruit when I'm actually infiltrating the place? Thumbs up, man!
___________________

barretwallace.jpg
To be muthafuckin' continued!

Fo' shizzle!

barretwallace.jpg
Damn straight, homie! Tomorrah!
 

Damned Registrations

Furry Weeaboo Nazi Nihilist
Joined
Feb 24, 2007
Messages
14,978
Just thought I'd mention this in case you were actually fighting in Fort Condor for a reason: Theres no actually need to deploy troops. If you just wait in your base you fight the soldiers and eventually commander personally. Much quicker imo.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
LAST YEAR! ON LET'S PLAY FINAL FANTASY VII!!

A DOLPHIN KICKED US FIFTY THOUSAND MILES INTO THE SUN!
5995Home_CuteDolphin.jpg


WE WERE TREATED TO A FIFTY THOUSAND HOURS LONG FMV OF PULSATING PURPLE TEENAGE BOY ASSES!
pictureofass.jpg

(damn, they took it down!)

SOME GUY MISTOOK US FOR A TOTALLY GAY FIFTY THOUSAND YEAR OLD SOLDIER!
791doubleimpact.jpg


AND NOW!

ALL HELL!

BREAKS LOOSE!

WHEN TOUGH-AS-NAILS MERCENARY CLOUD "Steel Buns" STRIFE FACES HIS ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!

cloudstrife.jpg
I do?

TO CHANGE IN FRONT OF OTHER MEN!

4905672_uhinfrontofyou.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Oh, that's no challenge. Actually...

6445673_changinginfrontofmen...sighs.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was fifteen. Slim. Clean. Not a single hair on my ballsack. My ass so perfect and smooth. I always made a point to stretch in the nude before I slipped into the red leather back in those days. I still remember how fabulous I felt wearing it, how I got a glimpse of Sephiroth. He was standing in front of his mirror comparing the colors of different condoms with his enormous penis, my eyes hitting him like powerful interrogator lights. his flawless, naked body. I instantly knew, knew that I just had to have him and his enormous penis.
shinra.jpg
I am NOT changing with you! EVER!
cloudstrife.jpg
Aww... :(

2203674_great.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Hehe, I still got it! :)
shinra.jpg
Hey, you gotta zip it up properly!
cloudstrife.jpg
Why?
shinra.jpg
Because otherwise me and the dreamy duo are gonna dance for you!
cloudstrife.jpg
Awesome!

3521675_NOOOOOOOO.jpg


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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To watch and hear the dreamy duo's fantastic performance, follow this cleverly disguised Rickroll-link!

6224676_uhhuh.jpg


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Don't worry, dude. Even though I actually came here to infiltrate your ranks and kill Rufus or something I will never let the parade down, man! You can count on me!
shinra.jpg
Excellent!

7085677_yesbegin-.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Yes, let the parade begin!
shinra.jpg
I'm sure you're wondering how this is going to work.
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Not really. I've seen a parade once before.
shinra.jpg
Well, this parade is a little different than most parades, young one.
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Oh yeah?
shinra.jpg
Yeah, for one we don't have any civilians.
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None?
shinra.jpg
Nope. Rufus don't like them.
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Why is he the president now?
shinra.jpg
You don't know about president Rufus?
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I heard Rufus was the winner of the Midgar cocksucking championship fifteen times in a row.
shinra.jpg
Hey!
cloudstrife.jpg
Eek.
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That's the Midgar handjob championship!
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Right. Always mixes those up.
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And it's only twelve times in a row.
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Right, right. What a gay motherfucker.
shinra.jpg
Hey!
cloudstrife.jpg
Eek.
shinra.jpg
It's not gay as long as you don't do it over twelve times.
cloudstrife.jpg
Which explains why he's the president now.
shinra.jpg
It sure does! Anyway! If you see any civilians you have to shoot them.

MEANWHILE!

5969678_oahahaha.jpg


END OF MEANWHILE!

cloudstrife.jpg
What's that in the distant? A fantastic penis!

2805679_onebiggoddamncannon.jpg


shinra.jpg
Yeah, that's Doom Cock, the Shinra army's defense against the sea!
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The sea?
shinra.jpg
Yes, the pesky sea! President Rufus' father knew that something would emerge from the sea one day and decided to build an enormous cannon on the city.
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What a progressive man!
shinra.jpg
IT'S TIME FOR THE PARADE!
cloudstrife.jpg
Yay!!!

7757680_parading...BORING.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Wait, what?
shinra.jpg
Not like those parades you're used to, huh, boy? We do things differently here!
cloudstrife.jpg
But what do I do?
shinra.jpg
Get out there, run around in circles and scream "I want cock", of course!
cloudstrife.jpg
Alrighty! :D

9644681_fuckthatshit.jpg
[/URL]

cloudstrife.jpg
But I did everything they told me to do. :cry:

2708682_illusionofchoice-.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Drew Karpyshyn!
shinra.jpg
Go back to the military complex and report to your commanding officer!
cloudstrife.jpg
Casey Hudson!

So Cloud went back.

shinra.jpg
I heard you screwed up completely!
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Yes.
shinra.jpg
We'll fix that!

6821683_lockerroomrape-.jpg


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It's just like I'm fifteen years old again!

5058684_ohgreat.jpg


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All three of you?!
shinra.jpg
We're gonna show you a real good time, boy.


TO BE CONTINUED!
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
So I herd u lieks teh mudkipz?

DOOM COCK!!!!!!
 

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