Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Good update. But please, don't waste time on a Fort Condor update. That place is just so fucking boring. I think you should just skip it and move on towards Junon. Besides, you have to go to Condor eventually anyway, so why not just show it to us when that part comes?

Locue said:

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Very bold.

Another vote for skipping it. You would do both us and yourself a favor.

Add my voice to that. Please, no Fort Condor. Sometimes, I still wake up from a nightmare full of those strange polygons from that mini-game.

Special update: The road to Fort Condor!















And that's how you do Fort Condor, folks.

I'm glad you've listened to people

I don't mind most of the FF minigames, but the Fort Condor one is the worst of them all. You better show the skiing game in the Casino.

skyway said:

I'm glad you've listened to people

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I certainly did listen to people and I'm glad that I had to slice Fort Condor away like the stinking brain tumor it is. I'm just showing you the hell you have to go through every time you want to do the minigame but that's it for Fort Condor, trust me.

FrancoTAU said:

I don't mind most of the FF minigames, but the Fort Condor one is the worst of them all. You better show the skiing game in the Casino.

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Can't I just play Ski or Die on the NES instead?

Any update coming up? Or did you quit making LPs?

he became Gob

Give him some slack, he's watching advent children for the 10th time in order to make some cross-references about the plot, the character development and some yet undiscovered cetra lore.

I leave town for a few days to dump a couple of dead bodies in the ocean and you're already yapping at me about updates! You want an update? Fine! Here's your goddamn update! Are you happy now, you son of a bitch?


Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy VII! In the last update we picked up a new party member; Yuffie Kisaragi - Junon Forest's local jailbait ninja tranny hooker. We also showcased the finer points of climbing ropes and stairs in Fort Condor, much to my dear Lovecraftian friend Vince K's dismay. In this update you will see exactly why dolphins are the smartest type of dog there is.

But before all that, though, I would like to explain why I think Yuffie is the greatest party member you could ever have, in any game ever.



Okay, let's see what we have here... She's wearing some mean tank top and daisy dukes, some weird ninja shield on her left arm... a bandana, bandanas are awesome, man. I mean, you can totally spell it like a banana and noone'd notice. Uh, what else... hmm... she's having an orgasm... yeah, orgasm's are cool. Yes, I mean, all these things are great and all but they're not exactly what I'm looking for, try agai... what? What's that? What's that thing she holds in her hand, you ask? I'm glad you asked, Hawkeye! That, my friend, is a gigantic ninja throwing shuriken star cross of doom!



And because she has a gigantic ninja throwing shuriken star cross of doom is exactly why she's awesome. In fact, she's just so awesome I won't use her until I really, really have to. I know what you're thinking. "Andy, you sexy taxidermist! Why wouldn't you use Yuffie if you think she's so great and all? I get the feeling you're trying to trick us! You don't really think Yuffie is so great, do you?! You're such an asshole!" And to which I reply: "Exactly."



Yuffie is an annoying whining little twelve year old shithead who constantly gets in your way, hinders your progress and charges way too much for a goddamn blowjob that isn't much of a party anyway because she forces you to wear a condom flavoured with pineapples. Pineapples! What the fuck?!

100% my ass. Should've listened to that guy with that wolf avatar. Let's just move on with the game before I kill someone.

Junon is essentially two cities and two military complexes baked together into one single pixellated mega cannon world map avatar.



I thought about writing "That penis looks like a town!" but I thought it'd be too tacky, y'know? Anyway: "Boy howdy" you say, "that sounds like a great place if you like action!" And to which I respond: "You dumb piece of shit. Get the fuck out of here."

Junon is terribly boring. Just like Midgar, it's a city that used to look great but then Shinra came and built another city on top of it! For reasons that escape me. And just like Midgar, the only objective of coming to THIS town is to find a way to get far, far away from it and get to the NEXT town! See, we're out to get Sephiroth and even he wouldn't have the attention span required to stay in any one town for more than fifteen minutes. The cities in Final Fantasy VII all suck. No, wait. Let's do one of these fact-thingies properly for once. It's been a while.

FACT: All the cities in Final Fantasy VII suck. No exceptions.



And they're all a bunch of Apache emofags to boot, what the fuck, dude? What manner of moron wrote your dialogue? Jesus fuck! Let's go to the beach!



Mr. Dolphin?



Fuck Jesus! Let's get the fuck away from the beach!



No, little Priscilla. We're the heroes!



Obviously the least insane person in the game. What can we do to gain her trust? Where's a big, slimy seamonster when you need it the most?



Excellent!

FACT: Seamonster #636 and Mr. Dolphin have the exact same animation.



Alright. Boss fight. If you attached that Choco/Mog summon materia to Clouds weapon this fella should go down in five seconds. If not you're a terrible little alien who should be shot. I'm sorry but I didn't write the rules. Beating off a terrible seamonster we find that little Priscy ain't moving! Gasp!



We can always hope.
Cloud!
Well, let's just wait a bit. She might just wake up all by herself.



Luckily for the heroes, a mysterious old man appears!



And he knows exactly what to do!



And Cloud has the most adorable reaction!



And Tifa is a stupid fucking idiot! (As fucking usual.)



I think she's dead now...



Hmm... That doesn't sound too accurate. Let's check The Big Book of Knowledge! Here's a picture of me and The Big Book of Knowledge, by the way. Please look longily at it while I go to peruse it. Feel free to take your pants off.



Alright, while that old man's method of blowing seems good and all I think we should give Nick Fury's method a try. He is the Marvel Comics superspy after all!

I sure am!

David Hasselhoff? What the fuck are you doing here?

I was in the neighbourhood! So what's up?

*sound of gunshot*
*image of bullet tearing through David Hasselhoffs head*

Ugh...
Sorry I'm late. My rocketpowered motorcycle crashed into a wall again!

Great to have you with us, Nick Fury [as drawn by Jim "Beefcake" Steranko]!

Got a cigar?

Got your shirt off?

Har har har!!

So you're going to teach us how to do proper CPR, huh?

I am. As an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and general badass extraordinare, I often find myself in situations where I need to be able to perform CPR and other lifesaving techniques. And I can tell you right now, Andy, that you should never go to visit a "con-soul are-pee-gee" player if you have a condition where CPR might save your life.

Why is that, Nick?

Because that fucking loser friend won't be able to save your life. You can hear it in the name, Andy. Console! There's a con in that console! And if he's been playing Final Fantasy 7 just seconds or minutes or hours or years before you fall down before him with a look that says "can't breathe can't breathe" and that's the only medical experience and only medical training he's ever been exposed to? You're dead, Andy. You're gonna be so dead it ain't even gonna be funny. And that friend of yours? He's gonna be in the papers and everyone's gonna write "hero friend tried to save Andy - failed".

Alright, can you tell us what Cloud is doing wrong here, Nick?



Nick?



There's not enough money or hookers in the world that could help me put into english what this Cloud-character is doing wrong. I'm out of here, Andy. Never fucking call me again.

What? But Nick!

Read Secret Invasion!

Son of a bitch! Oh well, I guess it's up to me then.

Hey, she's okay!

She is?

Yeah!

Whew! Well, I guess Nick was wrong about those console rpg players! You can save lives even if what you're doing is completely wrong! Here's a link I found in The Big Book of Knowledge! I think it should come in handy, should you ever wish to save another human being's life by kissing them inappropriately on the mouth.



That sure is one happy old guy!
...
...
What? There wasn't anything suspicious about that, was there?

Not at all, Cloud!


To be continued!

What was all that junk about Yuffie? She's one of the best characters because she gets good weapons and can attack from the back row. And one of her level 1 limit breaks is a 1/2 Max HP heal.

kingcomrade said:

What was all that junk about Yuffie? She's one of the best characters because she gets good weapons and can attack from the back row. And one of her level 1 limit breaks is a 1/2 Max HP heal.

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Yep. Yuffie + Aeris + Hypers makes for some MPless full party healing bullshit against moss bosses. Not that you'd actually need to do that mind you, unless you're insane. I liked Nanaki's the best myself. Haste + Berserk + leaving to make a sandwich ftw.

You're correct but I happen to value party members more how they are outside combat.

I always pick up Yuffie when I play through the game, but that's just to get that whole Yuffie sidequest thing later on.

SPOILAR

Locue said:

You're correct but I happen to value party members more how they are outside combat.

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I wasn't aware you had party members outside of combat in final fantasy games.

DamnedRegistrations said:

Locue said:

You're correct but I happen to value party members more how they are outside combat.

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I wasn't aware you had party members outside of combat in final fantasy games.

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Yes you do. In fact, in the upcoming updates the little upstart is going to one-up a poor shopkeeper and drive him out of business and stand between me and a very non-important item. I'll be able to get this item like a second later but still! :wink:

Okay, okay, Yuffie is a great character. Definitely the only female character in the game who can compare reasonable to the male characters. *hur hur TRANNY! hur hur*

Radisshu said:

I always pick up Yuffie when I play through the game, but that's just to get that whole Yuffie sidequest thing later on.

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What ungodly manner of creature are you, Radisshu? :wink:

Hi guys! Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy VII. My name, as always, is Barack Obama and I certainly hope you'll all vote for me when the time comes. Because remember; a vote for me is a vote for the first ever black lesbian president of the United States of America and I think what this country needs the most right now is a black lesbian president.

But I'm not here to tell you about myself. I am here to tell you about John McCain, the one candidate I would vote for. If he was as black and as lesbian as I am. The other one is Hillary Clinton.

Now, Hillary Clinton is definitely a good choice for president. As the wife of a used car salesman from Arkansas, she has developed many fine qualities fit for a president and I'm sure she would make a fine leader. But ask yourself this, dear friends: how many sexual encounters have Hillary Clinton had with women? And has she ever been black? You can scratch that back of your head all you want and you'd still have a hard time coming up with anything. The closest you can get is probably a picture of her in an OJ Simpson mask, giving daughter Chelsea a little kiss on the cheek and that, dear friends, just simply ain't enough! Hillary Clinton is a sound choice for presidency but she has never proven herself to be a black lesbian woman, like I have all my life. I even have a wife. I've been pushing the envelope all my black, sexually active life.

John McCain is the superior choice, but you probably know all this already! Really, as long as the candidate is a democrate you can be sure he's a saint. I read that in a newspaper and boy lemme tell ya; old Johnny McCain ain't no exception! Now, let's get the bad facts out of the way as quickly as possible; John is neither black nor gay. His spokesmen can try and trick us all they want - John is still a white man and Cindy McCain is still very much a woman.



A very manly woman perhaps but you can still look at her, get a mighty boner and call yourself a healthy heterosexual being that happens to get turned on by manly women. I might be a black lesbian surfer dude but I love my heterosexual brothers and sisters just as well! And I strongly support John's choice of heterosexuality - more so than I support Hillary Clinton's weird black cosplay fetishes, because John McCain might not be gay but his two fathers sure did what they could do steer him in the right direction.



Immediately upon emerging from the test tube, young John McCain strolled into the Navy and never looked back - confidently knowing that his fathers would be proud that he had chosen to walk in their jumpsuits, fighting the Japanazis no more than on eighteen hundred and six different occasions before finally calling it quits when that dreaded eighteen hundred and sixth mission took him deep beyond enemy lines to the infamous Hilton Hotel where his faith, beliefs and sexuality were constantly challenged by young, fit asian men for over five years and I would make a dirty Exitium joke here but I just didn't find room for it so sorry.



Surely, if I would vote for anyone I would vote for John McCain, if only he was as black and lesbian as I am this very moment and forever ever into the future of America.


In the next update we return to the Chronicles of Cloud Strife where I believe a mindfuck session with Colin Farrell is waiting for us. It's been a while since we had one of those so let's make the most of it! I have to clear my throat properly so expect it to take a day or two and if it takes more than a day or two, well, I guess it'll be up some time later.

See you then! And remember: don't stick your tongue in any pussy that I wouldn't stick my tongue in!

That reminds me I still need to play that game some day, too bad I'm already busy with other crap.

If only I could be reminded by crap that I have to play games.

The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch. Up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.

Jesus Christ you suck. Christopher Walken cannot be read. Christopher Walken must be seen! He must be heard! He must be EXPERIENCED!

So have a youtube link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kngBtoylIVM

I've always liked the way the kid snatches it at the end. Thats a fine piece of hand acting.

You all make fun of Yuffie, but she can hit 9,999 melee damage way before anyone else.

There's also the loli factor. Barret, Red, Yuffie - Hentai Dream Team. Too bad you can't ditch Cloud and make this a reality.

I love this thread. Keep it up!