Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

HURRRGHHH!!!

Ummmgah?

So we have 8 updates before we will get to the best part of FF7?

Hurry, I say.

Yes, the masses demand bread and circus.

Cloud getting ass-banged by Barrett in other wordes.

Sadly, we're not going to see Aeris take a bath this year. I think we'll at least go as far as pick up Cid, though. Maybe we'll get through date night too, but don't hold your breath.

I know you're all disappointed but it's not like you people got me any hay or anything to thank me for the service I'm providing here, ever.

Thank you for all you have done for Codexia, o noble, virile and majestic brown horse formerly known as an artist formerly know as Loque!

You spelled Locue wrong.

Also, UPDATE PLZ

Hey, man. I need some warehouses to store all that yummy hay in too, dammit!

Also: update on tuesday, believe it.

I actualy google'd "horse" to find something to make fun at you with and came across Luscombe Nordram, the biggest horse in the world.



http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3157/233 ... 25.jpg?v=0

Oh, and he's an aussie.

Ps. Moar!

Ah, you're just fucking with me, I just know it.

Moar's gonna arrive on tuesday, as I said. 'Til then, just chill and down some pills. I hear the blue ones are spectacular.

UPDATE TIME: NIBELFUCKHEIM

When we last left our roadtripping heroes, they were finally on their way to Nibelheim, Cloud and Tifa's hometown. Let's find out what happened when Cloud took his fine, young, highly unwilling bitches Aeris and Tifa with him.



Well shit.



That's what I thought,
Is this another one of your mindfucks?
I don't think so.
Something fishy is going on...



Cloud and his friends immediately stormed inside the inn and demanded an explanation for this bullshit!



Sephiroth burned this town to the ground FIVE YEARS AGO!!! Why is it that it's still here?
Yeah! You couldn't possibly have rebuilt it with that much time!
Well, actually they probably could have...
Shut up, whore!







Come on, Tifa! Let's look for clues!
Yeah! We'll unravel this mystery!
We should go back and get Nanaki! He'll be our Scooby Doo to our Fred and Daphne!
And her transvestite Shaggy-Welma!
Fucking hell...
I got an idea! Barret! Come in, Barret!
Yeah, wassup, boy?
There's a dog outside the inn. I need you to kill it.
A'ight, why?
It's that fucking Scrappy Doo fucker!!
Oh yeah?
Yeah!
Consider him sold to the chinese.
Yeah boy!! :D

They busted further into the inn in search for clues! And sure enough! In the very back of the inn, they found a strange, cloaked figure!



They asked him simple commands.



And he was as helpful as a september in august!





Well shit, that was as helpful as an august in september!
Let's try the shop!
Good idea!

And so they busted into the shop!



And they questioned the shopkeeper!



But the shopkeeper wasn't gonna stand for that shit!



You tell him, shopkeeper!

Further into the shop, like just a couple of kilometers to the right, there was another cloaked figure!



I have a strong feeling that these weird cloaked figures are zombies!
HOLY SHIT!
Zombies brought back to life by Sephiroth to stand around town and give INCREDIBLY VAGUE HINTS ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUTS!
You are a genius, Cloud.
I know. Sometimes I scare myself.
Where to now?
Let's see who lives in my old house.

And so they went in to see who was living in Cloud's old house!



See that bed? That bed right there? Totally masturbated in that bed.





Well, that was... I don't know what it was.
That's probably because you're a whore.
Alright, let's go take a look at Tifa's house.
Great!

Inside Tifa's house, they encountered... yet another cloaked figure!!





Fascinating.
Let's go upstairs!

Upstairs the found, not only A CLOAKED FIGURE...



... but also a piano!



Hey, hey! My piano ain't no wussy piano! It ain't no homosexual brand of piano!
Maybe the Shinra, in an attempt to cover up the failure of one of their agents, simply reconstructed the entire town and replaced all items good as new?
Shut up, whore! That's fucking ridiculous!
Yeah! I'll believe that when I see it in WRITING!
Hahahaha!!
Hahahaha!!
...idiots.
Hey, what's that?
It looks like Professor Hojo's private journal!
Awesome! He's talking about clones and stuff!



Furthermore, it looks like a SCIENTIFIC JOURNAL, DETAILING SHINRA'S MASSIVE, HIGHLY THEATRICAL COVER-UP OF THE NIBELHEIM INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED FIVE YEARS AGO!



AWESOME!
I was just thinking that's what's going on!
Tifa, you're awesome!
What?!
Shut up, whore! I'm awesome and that's awesome!

With Shinra's diabolical plans unveiled, the chaotic stupid heroes moved up towards the mansion! Two new cloaked figures stood around!





Gang?
What the fuck do you want?
I think we have to enter the mansion.
AWESOME!


TO BE CONTINUED!

________________
IN THE NEXT THRILLING EPISODE OF LET'S PLAY FINAL FANTASY SEVEN:

Gang?
What the fuck do you want?
I think we just entered the mansion.
AWESOME!

Wooooo-----ooow !

Liked the part where Cloud entered his old house the best. More stuff like that would be great, where you make up your own dialog for the characters and then provide an in-game pic showing dialog that goes with it. It's very humorous like that.

So, is the rocket town after this place, once you leave that mountain? I recall Cid being at least a little more interesting than the game's other characters and provides a little humor when cussing everybody out over tea.

Cloud and Zack have suppressed but intense affection for each other.

Andyman Messiah said:

Click to expand...

Dr. Evil?

Keep up the good work. Tres funoir.

I'm so glad that I never played this far.

Keep it up, O Majestic Hay Muncher!

Why do japanese fantasy worlds make me hate life?

poocolator said:

Why do japanese fantasy worlds make me hate life?

Click to expand...

Because you're a flightless bird wearing bad make-up?

NIBELFUCKHEIM FUCKMANSION



It's exactly as we left it five years ago, except a couple of monsters have moved in. We're mostly here to have a chat with Sephiroth but we'll also be picking up everyone's favorite norse übergod turned japanese shit Odin (Oden, really) and recruiting another "secret" character: Vincent Valentine. Oh joy.

Everyone bothering with the enemy skill hunt should pick up "????" from the floating scales. It's a fairly rare monster so get ready to waste a lot of time searching for it.

Alright, let's do it. Let's have a look at the journal over to the left first.





Alright, someone is offering us Vincent if we want him. Well, I suppose it can't hurt.



It is not necessary for you to participate... if you don't want to. Yeah. I guess. What's the deal, journal? What do we have to do?



I guess we have to open a safe in 20 seconds or less. Great. But first we have to search for the combination. Great. I fucking hate this. Let's just fast forward. Get a walkthrough instead of complaining.



Yay!



Yay!



Shit!

This is Lost Number. People tell me he's a difficult boss. These people have never bothered casting Big Guard and unleashing limit break on him. Kick his fucking ass. Two turns. Max.



When you beat him, you find a key and the fantastic Odin materia. We're done with bullshit now so let's cut back to Cloud commentary now.

Alright, let's go see Sephiroth!



Being here brings back memories. Are you going to participate in the Reunion?
I don't even know what a Reunion is!

DOUCHEBAGGERY: That's kind of sad, Cloud. Maybe you should ask Santa for a dictionary?

Fuck you, horse!
What?!
Not you, Seph! The horse!
The horse?
The horse!
Oh! The horse! Of course.
Yeah, it's the horse!
...right.
Will there be horses at the Reunion?
No. But Jenova will be there!
Yeah, but she's not a fucking horse now, is she?!
You would be surprised. Jenova will rejoin the Reunion, becoming a calamity from the skies.
Jenova, a calamity from the skies? You mean she wasn't an Ancient!?
...I see. I don't think you have the right to participate. I will go north past Mt. Nibel. If you wish to find out... then follow...
...Reunion? Calamity from the skies?
Fool! You're repeating yourself!
I'm a victim of poor writing!
Take this!



Ow!









Well, that's interesting.
No, it isn't.
After him!
It's too late.
Okay. Let's read stuff.









Gee, I wonder what all this is about?
*cough* No idea.
What nonsense!

With more of the plot revealed, it's time to put that key we found in the safe to use.

Shut up, horse!



Oh great, we're going to ask a vampire for help.
He's probably a nice vampire.
Opening the coffin... now!



Right. Closing the coffin... NOW!
Oh no, you don't.



We're on a quest to save the world!



Wait!



Do you want to recruit me? No/Yes.

Does the name Sephiroth mean anything to you?





...Fuck.
My thoughts exactly.
Tell me what you know about Sephiroth.
You first.
Alright.

The screen goes dark for a second to imply that Cloud has filled Vincent in with all the info. Fuck off, it beats miles of shit dialogue.

Well, that's interesting. So Sephiroth knows he was created five years ago? And about the Jenova Project?
Yeah.
He was missing, but has just recently reappeared. He has taken many lives and is seeking the Promised Land.
Yup.
Hmm...
Now, what do you know about Sephiroth.
Sorry. That's my business.



SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU POORLY TRANSLATED IDIOT FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!

Wow. Anger management issues!

FACT: The other characters' responses aren't that much better. Barret comes closest with his broken sentence "You lyin' whitefaced."





Oh jesus fucking christ.
Now please leave.
Can you tell us who you are first?
I get the feeling you're not going to leave me alone.
Not really.
My name is Davis.
Hah! Really?
No, it's Vincent. Now GTFO!
What kind of name is Vincent?



The Turks!?
Formerly of the Turks. I have no affiliation with Shinra now. ...And you?
Cloud, formerly of SOLDIER.
You were also with Shinra...? Then do you know Lucrecia?
Who?
...... Lucrecia. The woman who gave birth to Sephiroth.
...gave birth...? Wasn't Jenova Sephiroth's mother?
That isn't completely wrong, but just a theory. He was born from a beautiful lady. That lady was Lucrecia. She was an assistant to Professor Gast of the Jenova Project. Beautiful Lucrecia.
...A human experiment?
There was no way to cancel the experiment. I couldn't stop her. That was my sin. I let the one I loved, the one I respected most, face the worst.



SHUT UP!

Alright, now let's get the fuck out of here.



Fuckin' sigh...



Aeris, you have just redeemed yourself with this line.

Alright, whatever. Vincent is our buddy now. He shoots stuff and transforms into monsters. Got that? Alright, let go.


NIBELFUCKHEIM FUCKMOUNTAINS

Follow the directions. Occasionally you can avert from the path and get items, like the Rune Blade for Cloud.







You come out here, with this brand new spanking puzzle.



First let down this ladder so you can get back up.



Also, if you exit through the door you can relive the Nibelfuckheim Fuckreactor Fuckmemories for absolutely no reason at all. You can go through the caves though and pick up some items, like Vincents sniper fuck gun.

Anyway.



Jump down number two and number four, get the items, then go to the right and hug the big blue scorpion and press the action button to trigger the boss fight.



Kick his ass and leave.

Say goodbye to your desert travelling jeep. Good thing we managed to use it for at least two minutes.



Now head over to Rocket Town, a town based in the immediate vicinity of a huge, tilting rocket.



Finally a good character.

18 Fucks.

19 if we also count the one from GTFO

What fucking race are anime characters supposed to be? It's like a cross between a jap and whitey... oh and the hair, THE HAIR!

GarfunkeL said:

18 Fucks.

19 if we also count the one from GTFO

Click to expand...

Oh it counts, motherfucker.