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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

S_Verner

Scholar
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
153
poocolator said:
What fucking race are anime characters supposed to be?

What, the shit that they export or the stuff that people like us watch?

It's just artistic mediocrity, a way of making up for the fact that they cannot animate(hair) or color well enough to make one bit of the face look different from the other, and the hair is like that to say "we can't make the main character look unique because we suck".
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Welcome to the town.

2049_rockettown.jpg


Its main attraction is a huge rocket covered in moss.

2051_pleasedontfall.jpg


2052_goodquestioncloud.jpg


This is Cloud. He's not only our main character and the hero of the game. He's also dangerously stupid.

cloudstrife.jpg
Hey!

Well, what the fuck do you think they built the rocket for?

cloudstrife.jpg
Rocketeering?

Just shut up and enter the bar.

2053_sure.jpg


aeris_portrait.jpg
I love stories!
cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, tell your story!

2054_coolstorybro.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
That's all?!
tifalockhart.jpg
Cool story, bro.
cloudstrife.jpg
Stand back, Tifa! I'm going to kill this idiot storyteller!
aeris_portrait.jpg
No, you're not.
cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, maybe not.
tifalockhart.jpg
Let's see what the other guy has to say.

2055_METALGEAR.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Who's the Captain?

2056_uhhuh.jpg

2057_uhhuh.jpg

2058_uhhuh.jpg


aeris_portrait.jpg
Now that's a story!
cloudstrife.jpg
Whatever. Did you see a tall, goth'd up, samurai lookin' dude in a black cape?

2059_great.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Bummer.

So far this town is quite boring. What do you say, citizen?

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cloudstrife.jpg
Fear not, bored citizen! Cloud and his merry friends have come to shit this town up!

How fantastic.

cloudstrife.jpg
Shut up, horse. Let's enter that house.

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cloudstrife.jpg
I wonder who lives here...
aeris_portrait.jpg
Whoever it is, I'm sure he is capable of impregnating women with his mind.
tifalockhart.jpg
Or a really huge spear.
cloudstrife.jpg
Goddamn, Tifa...
aeris_portrait.jpg
Let's explore!

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aeris_portrait.jpg
It's a totally awesome miniature flying aeroplane ship!

2065_youfuckingthief.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
You fucking thief.
tifalockhart.jpg
Whore!
aeris_portrait.jpg
I didn't say we should steal it, I just...
tifalockhart.jpg
WHORE!!

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aeris_portrait.jpg
Uh, hello.
tifalockhart.jpg
She's stealing your flying machine!
sherry.jpg
What?

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Alright, planet saving dude and dudettes! Go find the Captain!

sherry.jpg
Not so fast, narrator horse! Who are you people anyway? Why are you running in and out of houses and stealing shit?
aeris_portrait.jpg
I'm Aeris.
tifalockhart.jpg
I'm Tifa.
cloudstrife.jpg
I'm Cloud. We're on a quest to save the world so it's okay for us to steal shit.
sherry.jpg
Right. Well, my name is Shera. I'm the...
cloudstrife.jpg
THE SUPERHOT BABE FROM HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE?! THE PRINCESS OF POWER?! THIS IS SO AWESOME! OMG! YOU WERE THE FIRST JERK OFF FANTASY I EVER HA...
sherry.jpg
Uh, no, that's my twin sister...
cloudstrife.jpg
...
sherry.jpg
...
cloudstrife.jpg
..oh.
sherry.jpg
I'm the Maid (and Occasional Lab Assistant) of Power!
cloudstrife.jpg
Okay. Not interested.
sherry.jpg
We have almost the same measurements though. Well, give or take a few fantasies.
cloudstrife.jpg
Not interested.
sherry.jpg
I have some of my sister's old clothes.
cloudstrife.jpg
Any lingerie?
sherry.jpg
No.
cloudstrife.jpg
Any panties?
aeris_portrait.jpg
Panties are lingerie.
cloudstrife.jpg
Right.

2070_surprisingisntit.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Why does everyone think we're with Shinra?

2071_ahahaha.jpg


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tifalockhart.jpg
RUFUS?!
aeris_portrait.jpg
RUFUS?!
cloudstrife.jpg
HANDJOB CHAMPION OF MIDGAR?!
aeris_portrait.jpg
:|
cloudstrife.jpg
:D
tifalockhart.jpg
Well, that was a "joke" I never thought would return.
cloudstrife.jpg
Blame it on Rufus.
sherry.jpg
Whatever, you strange children of stupidity. Go find the Captain.

Having met the Captain's assistant, Cloud and his merry friends set out to find the Captivating Captain, the most Captaineous Captain in a long line of Captains. The Captain that truly is THE CAPTAIN.

Thecaptain.jpg


Not that one, though. Unfortunately.

They found the Captain of Final Fantasy VII inside the rocket.

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cloudstrife.jpg
Excuse me?
cidhighwind.jpg
Yeah?
cloudstrife.jpg
Are you the Captain?
cidhighwind.jpg
Hah!

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cidhighwind.jpg
Need something?
cloudstrife.jpg
Hmm...

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aeris_portrait.jpg
Let's ask him if it's okay if we take the airplane.
cloudstrife.jpg
Hmm... Let's save state before we try this.
tifalockhart.jpg
Pussy. [F1]
cloudstrife.jpg
Can you give us the little airplane you got in the backyard?
aeris_portrait.jpg
We're on a quest to save the world!
cidhighwind.jpg
Hmm... Let me think about it for a little while... Hm...
aeris_portrait.jpg
Yes?
cidhighwind.jpg
Alright, I've been giving it some thought and...

2076_aww.jpg


FACT: Cid Highwind - the greatest Final Fantasy character ever.

cidhighwind.jpg
NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!
cloudstrife.jpg
Fuck! Load state! LOAD STATE!
tifalockhart.jpg
Pussy. [F3]

2077_tellmeaboutrocket.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, let's try this again.
cidhighwind.jpg
Try what again?
cloudstrife.jpg
What can you tell me about this rocket, Cid?
cidhighwind.jpg
This rocket? You want to know about my rocket?!
cloudstrife.jpg
...Yes.

cloudstrife.jpg
(Better be ready with that load state button just in case, Tifa.)
tifalockhart.jpg
(Pussy.)

cidhighwind.jpg
You know Shinra developed a lot of technological gadgets during the meaningless war, right? Now it's a Mako company, but in the old days it was a weapons manufacturer. Well, they came up with a Rocket Engine. There was so much experiment about the thought of going into outer space. Our dreams got bigger and bigger. They put a major budget into it and made prototype after prototype! Finally, they completed Shinra No. 26. And they chose the best pilot in Shinra, the best damn pilot in the world! Me! And finally we get to the day of the launch. Everything was goin' well...
cloudstrife.jpg
But?

2078_fuckyescidyouarethebestff7char.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
And so, Shinra mixed their outer space exploration plans. After they told me how the future was Space Exploration and got my damn hopes up... DAMN THEM! Then, it was all over once they found out Mako energy was profitable. They didn't even so much as look at space exploration!

2079_awww.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Look at this rocket. I was supposed to be the first man in space with this! But shit... everyday it tilts a little bit more. At this rate, I don't know which will come first; this thing falling down or me gettin' outta here. My last hope is to talk to President Rufus. He's a young man, surely he has dreams of his own.
cloudstrife.jpg
Well, good luck with that.

And so Cloud and his merry friends went back to the Captain's house.

2081_yesshera.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
What?
sherry.jpg
Did Cid say anything?
cloudstrife.jpg
Nope.
sherry.jpg
Oh.

SUDDENLY!

2082_goddamncidiwanttohavesexwithyo.jpg


2083_ijustcame.jpg


sherry.jpg
I...I'm sorry.
cloudstrife.jpg
Really, don't mind us.
cidhighwind.jpg
Shut up! Sit your ass down in that chair and drink you goddamn TEA!
cloudstrife.jpg
Uh... okay.
cidhighwind.jpg
DAMN, I'm pissed! Shera! I'll be in the backyard tunin' up Tiny Bronco! And make sure to serve them some tea! All right!?

I fucking love Cid.

aeris_portrait.jpg
He's a goddamn asshole!

He sure is, Aeris. He sure is. *sigh*

2084_becauseshesadumbass.jpg


sherry.jpg
It's because I fucked up.
aeris_portrait.jpg
What happened?
sherry.jpg
Well...


Let's go back in time...

2085_theresalotofasses.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Even the moon'd get tired of waitin' around for your ass!
sherry.jpg
I'm... I'm sorry.
cidhighwind.jpg
Don't take so much time checkin' that #*$#*&' oxygen tank! Shera, bein' careful's good, but it won't do any good, no matter how many times you check that oxygen tank. That thing wouldn't break even if hell froze over.
sherry.jpg
But...

2086_onlyasses.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
I will only accept asses, Shera! You're not stupid, so be more efficient!
sherry.jpg
I'm sorry......

2087_itstheredskinastronauts.jpg

2088_what.jpg

2089_fuckyeahcid.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Fuck yeah, I'm going to the moon!

BUT SUDDENLY!

2090_ohfuck.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
WHAT THE FUCK?!

2091_answermeimgonnarapeyou.jpg


sherry.jpg
It's Shera, Captain. Don't mind me, go ahead with the launch.
cidhighwind.jpg
Shera!? What are you still doin' in there!?
sherry.jpg
I was still concerned. The results of the oxygen tank test weren't satisfactory.
cidhighwind.jpg
You stupid little #$&*#! It's gonna get so hot in there that there ain't gonna be SHIT left when we blast off! You're gonna be burnt to a crisp! You're gonna die! You know that, doncha!?
sherry.jpg
I don't mind. If I can just fix this, the launch will be a success. I'm almost done.
cidhighwind.jpg
Almost done!? You're gonna die!

2093_apparently.jpg


2094_hegaveuponhisdreamtosavehisstu.jpg


Cid Highwind, the best damn pilot in the world, was suddenly forced to choose: save the life of his assistant or travel into space with a possibly broken rocket and the incinerated corpse of his assistant.

2095_fuck.jpg


He made his choice.

2096_fuck.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Shit!

2097_fuck.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
SHIT!

2098_fuck.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
SHIT!!!!!!!!

2099_fuck.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Whew! That was close... Hey, what's that... oh fuck...

2100_fuck.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
OH NO NO NO!!

2101_fuck.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
PLEASE DON'T FALL PLEASE DON'T FALL PLEASE DON'T FALL PLEASE DON'T FALL!!


Today...

2102_andthatshowitis.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Shit, why didn't you fall, you stupid fucking rocket!?

2103_yourstupidworthlesslife.jpg


sherry.jpg
That's why it's alright. I don't care what he says to me. I'll live my life for him.
tifalockhart.jpg
Sounds like a fair deal.
sherry.jpg
...Oh, I hear him coming.

2105_goddammit.jpg


sherry.jpg
Sorry!

2106_ohyou.jpg


But before our heroes can answer the heroic asshole...

2107_ohfuckYOU.jpg


It's Palmer!

cidhighwind.jpg
Well, if it ain't fat man Palmer. How long were you figurin' on keepin' me waitin'!? So? When's the Space Program gonna start up again?
palm_pilot.jpg
Hey-hey! I don't know. The President's outside, why don't you ask him?

2107_ohifuckingloveyoucid.jpg


2108_killhimwithagrenade.jpg


2109_ohexciteme.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
What'd you come here for?
rufus.jpg
I want to borrow the Tiny Bronco. We're going after Sephiroth, but it seems like we've been going in the wrong direction. But now, we think we know where he's headed. But, we have to cross the ocean. That's why we want your plane...

POINTLESS QUESTIONING: Apart from all the fucking buts in that terrible dialog, does this shit make any fucking sense to anyone? Seriously? They're the fucking Shinra! You'd think they would have access to something way better than Cid's shitty plane.

cidhighwind.jpg
$*#&! First the Airship, then the Rocket, and now, the Tiny Bronco. Shinra took outer space away from me and now you want to take the sky away from me too!?
rufus.jpg
Oh my... You seem to forget it was because of Shinra, Inc. that you were able to fly in the first place.
cidhighwind.jpg
What!?

2111_wtfisitnow.jpg


2112_ohthatfatfuck.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
That fat fuck? Stealing the plane? Ahahahaha!!
aeris_portrait.jpg
We have to stop him!
cloudstrife.jpg
Ahahahaha!! Yeah, whatever! Ahahahaha!!
tifalockhart.jpg
Quickly, Cloud!
cloudstrife.jpg
Ahahahahaha!!

2113_fatfuck.jpg


2114_yeahtellthatfatfuck.jpg


Alright, time for a joke boss fight.

2115_fatfuckingpalmer.jpg


This is Fat Fucking Palmer. His attacks consists of hitting his own ass with a seductive slap (which btw uses some MP) and firing a gun. Chances are you'll kick his ass before he even has a chance at firing it, or even slapping his ass. He slapped his ass when I scanned him for the picture. Lucky me.

When you beat him, the Bronco suddenly starts moving!

2116_planestartsmoving.jpg


Unfortunately, Palmer notices!

2117_palmerseesthattheplanestartsmo.jpg


And ducks out of the way!

2118_palmerducks.jpg


2119_whew.jpg


Whew! Close one, eh, Palmer?

2120_toofuckingbad.jpg


You fat fuck! Come here!

2121_ahahaha.jpg


Palmer!!

2122_shortcut.jpg


Oh my, this doesn't look good...

2123_AHAHAHAHAHA.jpg


Ow! Poor Fat Fucking Palmer! Well, he'll be back again, don't you worry. And now we can take the Bronco instead.

2124_evenmoreAHAHAHAHAHA.jpg


2125_takeoff.jpg


2126_theywantedtousethisplaneinamil.jpg


2127_wheeee.jpg


2128_fuckingwheeee.jpg


2129_fuckingyeahwheeee.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
CLOUD!
cloudstrife.jpg
WHAT?
tifalockhart.jpg
WHAT ABOUT CID?
cloudstrife.jpg
WHO?
tifalockhart.jpg
CID!
cloudstrife.jpg
I DUNNO!

2130_fuckyeahshitfuckwheeeee.jpg


2131_comingcloser.jpg


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2136_seesaw.jpg


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2140_theshootist.jpg


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FACT: Cid Highwind - Master of Rhymes

2146_IWANTEVERYONETOSTARTUSINGTHATI.jpg


FACT: Okay! I want EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, to start using that sentence IRL. Because honestly, have you ever heard anything so awesome before?

FACT: No, you fucking haven't.

2147_thatsalotofpiss.jpg


2148_wellthatwassurprisinglysoft.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Well shit, thanks for wrecking my plane.

2149_yeahinsteadofusinganactualboat.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Yeah, instead of, y'know, buying an actual boat or something.
cloudstrife.jpg
Well, I thought it was a good idea...

2150_Cidyouareintelligent.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
So anyway, what are you going to do now, Cid?
cidhighwind.jpg
Dunno. I'm history with the Shinra and I've given up on the town.
aeris_portrait.jpg
How about your wife? Shera?
cidhighwind.jpg
Wife? Don't make me laugh! Just thinkin' 'bout marryin' her gives me the chills. What're you guys gonna do?
cloudstrife.jpg
We're going after a man named Sephiroth. We'll have to get Rufus of the Shinra someday, too.
cidhighwind.jpg
Uh huh. You need someone to watch your asses then?
tifalockhart.jpg
We're quite proficient at watching our own asses.
cidhighwind.jpg
Heh, too bad. I'd watch yours in a flash.
tifalockhart.jpg
Well then, follow my ass.
cidhighwind.jpg
Hehehe...

2151_okaynotthatintelligent.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Maybe I can show you my... spear some time.
tifalockhart.jpg
Oh, I hope so.
cloudstrife.jpg
Whoa, whoa, WHOA!! Wait a goddamn minute now!

2152_CidHighwind-internationalmanof.jpg


FACT: Cid Highwind - International Man of Awesome

cloudstrife.jpg
... shit.

TO BE CONTINUED!


IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF LET'S PLAY FINAL FANTASY 7!

2153_nextonletsplayff7.jpg


2154_nextnextonletsplayff7.jpg


2155_nextnextnextonletsplayff7.jpg


IT'S THE TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS! ONLY ON LET'S PLAY FINAL FANTASY 7!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Unfortunately not. We're going to The Temple of the Ancients. You're thinking about The Forgotten City of the Ancients. Get it right, skyway! Jeez.

Storywise, it is time to date the crap out of Aeris. Before that, though, we're gonna do Yuffie's quest just because I feel like it. No Aeris dies for christmas, folks.

edit: Scratch that, we're going on a date first.
 

DefJam101

Arcane
Joined
Nov 11, 2007
Messages
8,047
Location
Cybernegro HQ
They should've killed the pilot after the crash--ya'know, like in The Mummy.

Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'UMMMGAH!
 

MetalCraze

Arcane
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
21,104
Location
Urkanistan
Andyman Messiah said:
oldmanpaco said:
I can only hope and pray I can drag my CotAB LP out 10+ months. You are an LP God.
Now I feel like shit. Thanks a lot.

Yeah you've spent 10 months of your life playing a shit game just to become a local celebrity among small circle of lifeless RPG nerds that won't bring you anything except several posts of appreciation on the forum nobody cares about. How does it feel to be a star?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
skyway said:
Andyman Messiah said:
oldmanpaco said:
I can only hope and pray I can drag my CotAB LP out 10+ months. You are an LP God.
Now I feel like shit. Thanks a lot.

Yeah you've spent 10 months of your life playing a shit game just to become a local celebrity among small circle of lifeless RPG nerds that won't bring you anything except several posts of appreciation on the forum nobody cares about. How does it feel to be a star?

Like a massive plasma ball held together by gravity.

edit: WAIT A MINUTE! "LOCAL CELEBRITY"??!! FUCK YEAH!! I'M A CELEBRITY!! WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

edit2: Also: you make me sad, skyway. I'm going to take a vacation and leave the thread hanging for a month again. :cry: :cry: :cry:

edit3: this is edit number 3.

edit4: this is edit number 8 minus 1 plus 5 multiplied with a glass of wine divided by cheese.

edit5: Now that I'm a celebrity, I can do wacky stuff like this. It's pretty much expected of me now.
 

asper

Arcane
Joined
Nov 14, 2007
Messages
2,207
Project: Eternity
MOAAARRRUMMMMTGAHHHHH SH----IT!! DONT PISS IN YOUR DRAWERS

this LP is the best entertainment I'm having these days, please don't stop
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
asper said:
MOAAARRRUMMMMTGAHHHHH SH----IT!! DONT PISS IN YOUR DRAWERS

this LP is the best entertainment I'm having these days, please don't stop
And once again, my readers make me feel horrible.
 

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