Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Where's the beer?

Andyman Messiah said:

Where's the beer?

Click to expand...

Don't drink it all at once.

+ seems like a winning combination.

Surprise!

Stereotypical Villain said:

seems like a winning combination.

Click to expand...

Thanks. I was wondering why I posted it

Still, I'll look a twat when Andyman changes his profile pic....again.

Chapter 54 - Search Your Feelings...

Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy 7, the lp where the author doesn't really give a shit about anything. When we last left our lovable chosen one Cloud Strife, his reality had just been forcibly challenged by challenging forces!

Now join us as we tear down the second plot twist!



Man! If only the game could have ended after this! Oh well, no such luck.



Of course it's an illusion, Tifa. I mean, you might be a bitch but not even you are bitchy enough to, for no apparent reason at all, continue a charade that have plagued me all my life.
Right, hehehe... heh... I wouldn't...







That I wasn't in Nibelheim five years ago. That's it, isn't it?
I see you finally understand.
What you are trying to say is that you want to confuse me, right? But... even making me see those things won't affect me. I remember it all. The heat of the fire... the pain in my body... and in my heart!

Good point, Cloud! What do you have to say about that, Sephiroth?



You are just a puppet... You have no heart... and cannot feel any pain... How can there be any meaning in the memory of such a being? What I have shown you, is reality. What you remember, that is the illusion.

Good point, Sephiroth! Cloud, your response?



Right.

Do you understand?
I don't want to understand.



Alright, Sephiroth. That's a fair question. Can you give Cloud a fair answer?



Oh well, worth a shot.

I want to take you back to your real self. The one who gave me the black materia that day. Who would ever have thought a failed experiment would prove so useful? Hojo would die if he knew!
Hojo?! What does he have to do with me?!

(Well, apparently he's your father...)

Five years ago, you were... constructed by Hojo, piece by piece, right after Nibelheim was burnt. A puppet made up of vibrant Jenova cells, her knowledge and the power of the Mako.



HOLY SPAGHETTI SAUCE UP THE ASS, CLOUD! WHAT... WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ALL OF THIS?!

*shrug*

Alright.



What's wrong, Tifa? I'm not affected by it. ..I wasn't paying attention to him.

Hi, I have a delivery of for a Mr Cloud Strife.

All that talk about Hojo constructing you is a lie! Don't we have our memories together? Being kids together, starlit nights...
Peeking at you in the bathroom...

:wink:
:evil:
Alright, alright...
Hahaha, Tifa. Why are you so worried and scared by those words? Hmmm... Shall I show everyone here what's in your heart. Hahahaha, are you not feeling well?



Why are you so scared? Don't worry about me.

WORRY ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING TO DO TO YOU IF IT TURNS OUT SEPHIROTH IS RIGHT!!

No matter how confused I am, I'll never believe a word Sephiroth says.

Yes, it makes too much sense!

Shut up, Guybrush!



There's a lot of things muddled up in my memories. But, Tifa... you said ''Long time no see, Cloud'', right? Those words will always support me.
I lied to you, Cloud.
WHAT?

UH OH! LET'S REWIND!!

..those words will always support me.
I li..
Yes? :D
I li...ke icecream.
Me too! Remember when we ate icecream?
Ahem, yes...
Man, I can't see why you're being weird, Tifa. I am the one you grew up with. I'm Cloud of Nibelheim. No matter how much I lose faith in myself, that is the truth. That's why you shouldn't be scared.

You know... when you've reached a point in your life where you get halfassed inspirational speeches from ex-mercenary ladyboys with psychological problems... yeah, you really should just kill yourself.

No matter what anyone else says to me, it's the attitude that counts.

ATTITUDE! YOU GOT SOME FUCKING ATTITUDE!

Turn that fucking thing down, asshole! Anyway, like I said, Tifa. As long as you got attitude, you can just...



What's not? Aren't I the same Cloud you grew up with?
That's not what I mean. I don't know how to say it.

"I'm sorry I lied to you" would be a good start.

Cloud, I need some time. Can you give me a little time for myself?
You... want to break up?
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.
Well, hehe, I didn't even know we had a relationship!
We don't. I'm just... I need to take a break.
We're stuck in the friend zone and you're breaking up with me?
Uh, I'm going to go over there for a moment if it's al..
Cid?
Yeah, I don't think this is any of my business so...
..Oh I see.
What?
OH I FUCKING SEE HOW IT IS!!
Uh, okay... "#¤%&!!
Cloud! What the hell is your problem?!
I've seen the way you have looked at him ever since he came into the group! Is that it, huh?
Is that what?!
You're breaking up with me because of him!
WHAT?!



A-HA!! SO IT IS TRUE!!
Is what true?
Tifa and Cid have been fucking each other behind my back!
How the fuck should I know about that?
WELL YOU SEEM TO KNOW EVERYTHING ELSE!!
WE'RE NOT FUCKING EACH OTHER!!
WELL WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING THEN?!!
NOBODY'S FUCKING ANYONE!!
...
...
...whew!
Well, except for me.
:!:
Oh no...
I FUCK ALL OF YOU! MOAHAHAHAHA!!!
I KNEW IT!
Knew what?
SEPHIROTH IS FUCKING ALL OF US!
YES!



THE PLOT TIGHTENS!
...what?
THE TIGHT PLOTTENS!
Oh! What does that mean?
It means that...



You mean...
Yes!
Jenova and Tifa...
Yes!!
Jenova and Tifa merged?
YES!! Well, their memories inside of you that is...
And Jenova is a girl?
..um, yes?
And Tifa is a girl too?
...
Well... yes.
That is... TOTALLY AWESOME!!
I think you're misunderstanding what I'm trying to say here. Let me clarify what I...
SHINRA TOTALLY PLANTED SEXTRATERRESTRIAL LESBIAN SEX SCENARIOS DIRECTLY INTO MY BRAIN!!
...
...
...
Right?
...
...
No!
Awww.... So I guess I'm just a clone of Sephiroth and a boy named Cloud that Tifa grew up with then?
I guess.
LAAAAAAAAME!!
Among all those memories...



What a *cough* coincidence.
Shut up, Goggles.



Ha, ha, ha... Oh, I'm sorry. You never had a name!
Shut up, Sephiroth.
You still don't understand? Do you remember that picture we took before we headed for Mt. Nibel? I guess it's not the best piece of evidence since this is a flashback controlled entirely by me, but I still think we should take a look at it.





FACT: Filename is 64_AHAHAHAHAHAHA.jpg



Five years ago, I came back to Nibelheim to inspect the reactor. I was sixteen. The town hadn't changed at all. What did I do...? Oh yeah... I saw my mom... the people in town. I went to Tifa's room. There, I...
Looked at my underwear.
Whoa, man!
Well yes, but I also played the piano!
You looked in my drawers.
Sure did. I even read a letter addressed to you.
Asshole.
I spent the night and went to the reactor in Mt. Nibel. I was excited about it.
That's really "#¤%&!! sad, boy...
Shut up, Goggles! It was exciting because...



Yeah. I always wanted to enter SOLDIER... SOLDIER... When did I enter SOLDIER?





I'm... I'm... That's right. I didn't have to worry about it, because I was...
Cloud?
Let's go, Tifa. I'm... I'm alright...


IS CLOUD REALLY ALRIGHT? WHAT ARE THE GIGGLE PARADE DOING RIGHT NOW? HOW LONG UNTIL BARRET IS TRICKED INTO GIVING UP THE BLACK MATERIA TO THE FORCES OF DARKNESS? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF LET ME PLAY FINAL FANTASY SEVEN FOR YOU, YOU DAMN DIRTY DEAD N' DUMB DESTRUCTOBOT!!

Awesome update! Really funny, I lol'd at several parts. Keep it up! :D

MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Also, needs moar nigger.

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Also, needs moar nigger.

Click to expand...

Stop using that word and I'll put some effort in it.

What word? Moar or Nigger?

I FUCK ALL OF YOU! MOAHAHAHAHA!!!


How true, how true...

Great update Andyman, or should I say Locue, or... damn, do you even know who you really are?? ...MINDFUCK !!!

Stereotypical Villain said:

What word? Moar or Nigger?

Click to expand...

Well, now that I think about it I'm gonna go with <s>need</s> both.

ghostdog said:

Great update Andyman, or should I say Locue, or... damn, do you even know who you really are?? ...MINDFUCK !!!

Click to expand...

Of course I do. I'm Guybrush Threepwood, a mighty pirate!

Ha ha damn, this update was great. Looking forward to moar.

Man that was an awesome update

Keep 'em coming

ghostdog said:

Great update Andyman, or should I say Locue, or... damn, do you even know who you really are?? ...MINDFUCK !!!

Click to expand...

Of course I do. I'm Guybrush Threepwood, a mighty pirate![/quote]



MINDFUCK !!!

This update is very very awesome.

Andyman Messiah said:

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Also, needs moar nigger.

Click to expand...

Stop using that word and I'll put some effort in it.

Click to expand...

Needs more DefJam.

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Andyman Messiah said:

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Also, needs moar nigger.

Click to expand...

Stop using that word and I'll put some effort in it.

Click to expand...

Needs more DefJam.

Click to expand...

I told you to stop using that word.

Andyman Messiah said:

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Andyman Messiah said:

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Also, needs moar nigger.

Click to expand...

Stop using that word and I'll put some effort in it.

Click to expand...

Needs more DefJam.

Click to expand...

I told you to stop using that word.

Click to expand...

Def... Jaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm...

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Andyman Messiah said:

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Andyman Messiah said:

Vaarna_Aarne said:

Also, needs moar nigger.

Click to expand...

Stop using that word and I'll put some effort in it.

Click to expand...

Needs more DefJam.

Click to expand...

I told you to stop using that word.

Click to expand...

Def... Jaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm...

Click to expand...

Oh jew!

http://www.empireonline.com/100greatest ... lt.asp?p=2

A faggot said:

Memorable for...
The shocking, heart-rending death of Aeris (or Aerith, if you were playing in Japan), the wide-eyed flower girl and the protagonist's love interest. If you didn't choke back a sob when Sephiroth ran her through and cast her body into the water then you've a heart of cold, black stone.

Click to expand...

Very awesome update. More of this, please.

Gragt said:

http://www.empireonline.com/100greatestgames/default.asp?p=2

A faggot said:

Memorable for...
The shocking, heart-rending death of Aeris (or Aerith, if you were playing in Japan), the wide-eyed flower girl and the protagonist's love interest. If you didn't choke back a sob when Sephiroth ran her through and cast her body into the water then you've a heart of cold, black stone.

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

Bitches don't know about my cold, black stone heart. Also, Cloud was actually the guy who threw her in the water.

More is coming soon.

Chapter 55 - ...You Know It To Be True.


Hello and welcome to Let's Play Final Fantasy 7, the lp where exclamation marks go to prove themselves as absolutely useless! In the previous update Sephiroth tried to convince Cloud that he was actually a clone of Sephiroth. Now join us when the evil giggle parade arrives!



FACT: Wow!! That's amazing!



FACT: It's all Materia!!

The outside is rich with Mako energy. The inside is a treasure trove of Materia. This truly is the Promised Land.
There is no such thing as the Promised Land. It's a legend... an old wives tale......it's utterly ridiculous.
Everything's as I imagined it to be. Isn't it splendid? It is that kind of dullness that makes you a second-rate scientist.
....

SUDDENLY! THE EARTH STARTED SHAKING!



It's coming from within the wall! Something's in there! It's moving!



HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK SOMETHING IS GIVING US THE EVIL EYE!!!

Weapon. Then it really does exist... I didn't believe in it.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE HOJO MOTHERFUCKER!!! PRESS THE RJD BUTTON!!!

What does this mean?

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, enough of that.

Weapon. Monsters... created by the Planet. It appears when the Planet is in danger, reducing everything to nothingness.

That seems really dumb.

That's what was stated in Professor Gast's report.
I never saw that report. Where is it?
Here. Right here.
Up your ass?! Man, you keep a lot of shit to yourself.
Well, it's my shit after all...


MEANWHILE! BARRET WALLACE WONDERS IF CLOUD AND THE OTHERS ARE GOING TO BE AWRIGHT!



NOT EVEN BARRET WALLACE SEEMS WILLING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION!



SUDDENLY A GREEN FOG SURROUNDS BARRET WALLACE, TRANSPORTING HIM INSTANTLY TO THE WEIRD TOWN OF MINDFUCK, POPULATION: BARRET WALLACE!

BARRET WALLACE IS ALONE IN THE GREEN FOG!



WHEN SUDDENLY BARRET WALLACE'S FRIEND TIFA LOCKHART, WHO MYSTERIOUSLY ENOUGH DOESN'T HAVE HER NAME WRITTEN ON THE DIALOG BOX, APPEARS!



BARRET WALLACE EXPLAINS THAT EVERYTHING WENT DARK FOR MYSTERIOUS REASONS AND EVIL PURPOSES AND THAT HE IS ALL ALONE BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T HOLD A VITAL KEY ITEM LIKE "BLACK MATERIA" DISAPPEARED WITHOUT A TRACE!!



TIFA LOCKHART EXPLAINS THAT CLOUD STRIFE IS IN TROUBLE AND THAT BARRET WALLACE MUST HURRY!!



RUN, BARRET! RUN!







MAN, WE JUST GOT SEPHIROTHED!!


MEANWHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Rufus: Hmm... Maybe we should go back to our ship now. We need to prepare for inspection anyway.

SUDDENLY!





Excellent question!



Excellent answer!



Better leave things to me and get out while you still can!!
Leave things to you? Hmph! I don't know what you mean!
This is where the Reunion is happening. Where everything begins and ends.
Cloud!



Ah, here's Barret right on time with that black materia you ordered, Mrs Jenova Sephiroth 2000!



Alrighty then, right now Cloud is like battling Mrs Jenova Sephiroth 2000 in his head or something so everytime we press the almighty action button three times he does this:



He... starts to cry? I dunno what the fuck. Once he's done he'll take one step forward and you have to press the button three times yet AGAIN to make him cry and take one step forward. All in all you have to press the action button nine times to advance the game, because only every three presses on the fucking button will activate the animation. I suppose they wanted this to simulate the inner struggle that's going on inside Cloud's mind or some shit like that.

I hope everyone in this thread knows that we have been in a fucking cutscene - with absolutely NO interaction besides pressing the action button, ever since we stepped into Nibelheim.

I want to die.



What's interesting about all of this - besides the fact that it is making my brain suicidal, is the fact that not one of the characters reacts at all to this. I guess they reckon Cloud's hair got into most of his eyes or something.



I fucking love this shit. Barret, take that fucking black materia and run for your life, buddy. You should fucking know better!



Seriously, look at him! That's some zombie-looking shit right there!

Btw, while all this is going on Tifa is screaming "Cloud!!" to absolutely no avail so I suppose Barret is either deaf, inside that green fog again or just... I dunno, ignoring her. Or maybe Cloud's just wearing his little outfit a little bit cuter today and is hypnotizing Barret or something? Or something? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!!

And Cid doesn't give a fuck. I wish I could have that luxury, fucking asshole.

Anyway!



Barret, you're an idiot.

Tifa, of course he can't hear your goddamn voice! You know the rules; if you want to be heard, put your words inside a blue rectangle.

So anyway. Barret of course hands Cloud the black materia even though it was firmly established SEVERAL TIMES that Cloud is not to go touchy-touch on any type of black materia ever since the infamous Ancient Temple debacle. Heck, Barret was the only one in the gang that actually seemed upset about that fiasco... Oh well. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!



Well, who cares about the past, huh? This is the now! Isn't that right?



Sephiroth?



Sutherland?!

Hello.

What are you doing he--

I was... in the neighbourhood...

...uh huh..?

Yes.

Wait a minute.



...



...

...oh fuck...



Oh. My. Fuck.

At last... THE BLACK MATERIA!!
Please wait! Just a bit longer!!
Make it snappy, phonebooth.











You've been so good to me..... I don't know what to say... I never lived up to being "Cloud". Tifa... Maybe one day you'll meet the real "Cloud".
Shit. What is this, a fucking AA meeting or something?!
Professor Hojo... Codename Colin Farrell reporting for duty.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!




Holy shit, what a marvelous update! What other revelations await us in the next update of...
Let Me Write For You The Worst Fan Fiction Ever!

To be continued!