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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Epic is just the beginning.
 

Imbecile

Arbiter
Joined
Oct 15, 2005
Messages
1,267
Location
Bristol, England
I was pondering trying to prompt you to say something amusing ending in "is only the beginning", but then realised that i couldn't really be arsed.
 
Joined
Feb 10, 2007
Messages
7,715
Andyman Messiah said:
I suggest jerking off to anime girls in the meantime.
It's hell getting through that game, a mountain of retarded text I don't care about, and then sex scenes I care even less about.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
sportforredneck said:
Andyman Messiah said:
I suggest jerking off to anime girls in the meantime.
It's hell getting through that game, a mountain of retarded text I don't care about, and then sex scenes I care even less about.
Then why play it? Hell, why do a goddamn LP of it? I mean, you'd be better off doing a game you actually like instead of some weird interactive novel where you fuck your cousin and her friends when they're dressed up in bunny suits. Just saying. Leisure Suit Larry is more rewarding.
 
Joined
Feb 10, 2007
Messages
7,715
Andyman Messiah said:
sportforredneck said:
Andyman Messiah said:
I suggest jerking off to anime girls in the meantime.
It's hell getting through that game, a mountain of retarded text I don't care about, and then sex scenes I care even less about.
Then why play it?
For the LP.

Hell, why do a goddamn LP of it?
For it's ridiculousness (and the awesome choices and consequences). It's so obviously made to egostroke small peni asians that I have to show it to the world. I can get through it, it's just that I have to do it in mostly 10 minute increments or so. Plus I have to play until the appearance of tentacles or rape. If there isn't any, then the game is truly defective.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 30 - Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack
Part One: Epic to the point of being very epic & The Memoirs of Barret Wallace

barretwallace.jpg
Coming back to my dear hometown Corel after all these years brings back a lot of memories. My wife, Myrna. My friends. Finally seeing the sunlight after a day down in the mines. The sun... Oh, it's a big, yellow ball of concentrated orange juice up in the sky. It gives us life. It gives us warmth. It also gives us cancer, but I like to think that's a collaboration with God. Damn Almighty can't make something that's just good now, can he? Every little thing's gotta have something negative in it. That's why we humans invent sun lotion and lubricants. We do this so we can go out at stormy, rainy, completely awful nights and put our fists in the air and yell, as the thunder strikes our houses and horses; "Hey, God, leave the sun alone, man! We don't want any cancer crap from you, man!" Then we go back in before we catch a cold. The next day we rebuild our houses and bury our horses. And we watch the sun as we hammer and we dig; it's the most beautiful thing ever.

748_doesntthislookabsolutelygorgeou.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Hey, Cloud! Get the fuck outta the way! You're ruining the fuckin' picture!
cloudstrife.jpg
Oh, sorry!
barretwallace.jpg
Too muthafuckin' late! Fuck! Fuck these disposable cameras!

barretwallace.jpg
I'm Barret Wallace. I fight for sunlight. This is my story.

750_thismustbringbackmemoriesforyou.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
This bridge... oh God...
cloudstrife.jpg
Huh? What's up, Barret?
barretwallace.jpg
Nothin'. NOTHING! I jest got a... somethin' in my eye.
cloudstrife.jpg
Uh, alright.
Redxiii.jpg
If you say so.
barretwallace.jpg
It's jest... ah, comin' back to Corel after all these muthafuckin' years...
aeris_portrait.jpg
We understand, Barret.
tifalockhart.jpg
Y'know you can, like, talk to us about anything, right?
cloudstrife.jpg
He can?
aeris_portrait.jpg
Yes.
yuffie.jpg
I dunno about that...
aeris_portrait.jpg
tifalockhart.jpg
He. Can.
Redxiii.jpg
Uh, okay.
barretwallace.jpg
Thanks, guys.
cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah. Uh, don't mention it.


751_lookrollercoaster.jpg


Redxiii.jpg
Don't say anything, but it would seem that we're currently walking on a rollercoaster.
barretwallace.jpg
Yeah. We used it to transport coal and mako and other stuff back in the day.
Redxiii.jpg
Right, right... But why a rollercoaster?
barretwallace.jpg
It made the job entertaining.
Redxiii.jpg
Oh.
barretwallace.jpg
Yep.
yuffie.jpg
...
Redxiii.jpg
So.. ahem...
barretwallace.jpg
Yes?
Redxiii.jpg
Uh... no, nevermind.
barretwallace.jpg
No, no. Please. Go ahead.
Redxiii.jpg
Ah... Haha.. It's just...
barretwallace.jpg
Hm?
Redxiii.jpg
Why wouldn't you build a normal..?
barretwallace.jpg
Because we like rollercoasters.
Redxiii.jpg
But...
barretwallace.jpg
WE. LIKE. ROLLER-FUCK-COASTERS!!
Redxiii.jpg
Eep.
barretwallace.jpg
That's fuckin' right!
yuffie.jpg
SUDDENLY!

752_donotjump.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Oh, oh oh oh oh!!
Redxiii.jpg
Stop reciting your porn script and jump!
cloudstrife.jpg
Too late!
tifalockhart.jpg
Oh shit.

753_minigames.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
I have a strange feeling that I can get an item if I hold left or right and flap my arms.
aeris_portrait.jpg
It's good that we get more than one chance to get these two treasures.
cloudstrife.jpg
It certainly is, Aeris. It certainly is.
yuffie.jpg
...
cloudstrife.jpg
Why on earth are you staring at me like that, Yuffster McKenzie-Adams Smith?
yuffie.jpg
..God?
cloudstrife.jpg
What?
yuffie.jpg
..nothing.

754_thenletsletthebridgedown-nanaki.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Oh, guess we gotta do something about that.
cloudstrife.jpg
Nanaki!
Redxiii.jpg
Yes, Kemosabe?
cloudstrife.jpg
Go sleep with the bridge's sister!
Redxiii.jpg
:|
cloudstrife.jpg
:D
Redxiii.jpg
:|
cloudstrife.jpg
Well, I thought it was a good idea.
Redxiii.jpg
You're a moron.

755_NOWAY.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Yes, I suppose we could do that too.
yuffie.jpg
We'll wait here while you, Barret and Aeris handle that.
aeris_portrait.jpg
Alright, gang! Let's lower that bridge good!

756_thatsITimturningbacknow.jpg


aeris_portrait.jpg
What? What about me?
tifalockhart.jpg
You suck, Aeris! Go to hell!
aeris_portrait.jpg
:(

757_yesitshouldright.jpg


aeris_portrait.jpg
Don't touch anything. Maybe we'll explode!
cloudstrife.jpg
Or maybe it'll just lower the bridge?
barretwallace.jpg
Yer a damn optimist, aren't ya, white boy?
cloudstrife.jpg
Hey, what can I say? It's how I was raised.

758_moveoffcamera.jpg


bauerarmed.jpg
See, the camera just moved so the game could load the new "lowered bridge"-background.
Colin-Farrell-004.jpg
Or maybe it just moved so the game could load the new "RESURRECTED VAMPIRE SEPHIROTH" boss fight?
bauerarmed.jpg
That's ridiculous, Colin.
Colin-Farrell-004.jpg
RESURRECTED VAMPIRE SEPHIROTH!!
bauerarmed.jpg
Shut the hell up.
Colin-Farrell-004.jpg
HE'S GOING TO DRINK OUR BLOOD!
bauerarmed.jpg
Jesus Christ...

759_cloudloadedthenewbackgroundyay.jpg


yuffie.jpg
Yay! Cloud loaded the new background!
Redxiii.jpg
Go, Cloud! Go!
tifalockhart.jpg
Aeris is a fucking whore!
aeris_portrait.jpg
:(
cloudstrife.jpg
Hey, Aeris. Look what me and Barret just found!
aeris_portrait.jpg
A rocketlauncher we can shoot Tifa with?
cloudstrife.jpg
No, but something that's just as cool!
aeris_portrait.jpg
What is it?
cloudstrife.jpg
Chicks!

760_awwKILLTHEM.jpg


761_whatthefuckdoesthatmean.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Those damn chicks're sittin' on sum damn kinda muthafuckin' damn treasure!

762_thetreasureisnotreasure.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Choices! :D
barretwallace.jpg
Consequences! :D
aeris_portrait.jpg
Cyrony! :D
cloudstrife.jpg
That was stupid, Aeris.
aeris_portrait.jpg
:(

763_barretwhothehellareyou-1.jpg


FACT: skyway has waited forever to see this screenshot put into context.
FACT: skyway is very disappointed and has gone on a epic journey to find me and skin me alive with a bread knife.

Anyway...

764_iguesswellfindout.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Yes, I know he's a black man with a machine gun attached to his arm.
barretwallace.jpg
I'll handle this, Cloud. This is about me.
cloudstrife.jpg
Uh, okay. We'll go stand over here.
barretwallace.jpg
Thanks.

765_ohmy.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
EPIC BITCHSLAP OH YEAH!!
tifalockhart.jpg
Shut up, Cloud.

766_barret-manwithapast.jpg


768_rly.jpg


769_ZING.jpg


770_techno.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Hey, hey, hey... what are they talking about, Barret?

771_somuchangst.jpg


Redxiii.jpg
Is this going to be trouble for us, Barret?
barretwallace.jpg
No. Don't worry about it.
Redxiii.jpg
Alright then.
cloudstrife.jpg
Let's look for clues about Sephiroth. He must have passed through here.

772_tattoos.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
That's Sephiroth! He must be inside the amusement park!
tifalockhart.jpg
Onward!

Redxiii.jpg
Hey, Barret? What happened to your town?

773_rly.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
It really only took four years to bury a town?
barretwallace.jpg
:|
cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, alright.
barretwallace.jpg
It got burn't down.

774_somuchangst.jpg


yuffie.jpg
I can feel so much angst.
cloudstrife.jpg
Initiate memoirs recorder machine!
Redxiii.jpg
Plug in the tape recorder, you mean?
cloudstrife.jpg
Yes! That! Whatever.

775_really.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Time passed and humans eventually created means and ways to make sunlight without sun or fire. They called it "electricisizzlelity". It proved to be a load of crap, sucking the energy from our lands and wasting our precious sun, but back then we were just happy to be safe from all the goddamn cancer, you know. So these people, the Shinra built a large structure outside of town. A reactor. It was really just like any other mine. My town had mined coal for as long as we could remember. Now we were gonna mine this thing called mako. Some of us were hesitant to give up our coal mines, said we couldn't turn our backs on our ancestors' labours. They had worked hard for the coal mines and so would we.

776_dyneequalsawesome.jpg


Dyne was my best friend, and one of the most adamant protestors. He felt it would be insulting to turn our backs on our ancestors labours. They had worked hard for the coal mines, and so would we. For me it was a no-brainer. Nobody used coal anymore so I knew that sticking with it would eventually spell the end for Corel. And Myrna and I were gonna have a baby. I was going to be a father. I had to make sure I could feed my family. Case in point, I fully embraced the future of mako energy and I trusted in the Shinra. They would help us. But... I was wrong. Oh, I was so very wrong...

777_whoaaaaa.jpg


778_whatswithyoupeopleandexplosions.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
I read about it shortly after. It was labeled as a terrorist act, and the whole town were responsible.
cloudstrife.jpg
What is up with you coal miners and explosions, big guy?
barretwallace.jpg
*stare that could give you herpes*
cloudstrife.jpg
Eep.

779_advantage.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Oh, how horrible, Barret...
barretwallace.jpg
Yeah, well... we all lost loved ones in the attack... Dyne took it the hardest.

780_maybeyoullseehimagain.jpg


aeris_portrait.jpg
Maybe you'll see him again?
barretwallace.jpg
Maybe.
yuffie.jpg
FORE-SHADOW-ING!!!
barretwallace.jpg
..what?
yuffie.jpg
Nothing. We better get on. That guy must be really tired of waiting on us now.
barretwallace.jpg
Alright.
cloudstrife.jpg
Maybe an amusement park will cheer you up!
barretwallace.jpg
Doubt it.

Redxiii.jpg
Wow, he's so distraught he forgot his black man accent.
aeris_portrait.jpg
I don't think he has one.
Redxiii.jpg
That's what I'm saying. I think he's...
yuffie.jpg
Whatever.

781_hellsyeahyuffster.jpg


aeris_portrait.jpg
Wow, you really are a bitch, Yuffie. :D

782_wheeee.jpg


yuffie.jpg
Yeah, I know. :D


To be continued!

In the next update: Flappyjack joins our party.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
FrancoTAU said:
Can we skip to Cid already?
For reasons that are unknown to all, including me most of all; no, we can't. I wish we could, but I guess we gotta paddle through all the ridiculous emo bullshit first before we can inject ourselves with MANLINESS that'll give us the strength to paddle further through all the ridiculous emo bullshit.

Also, this thread has provided more entertainment than actually playing FF7.
While that's not really saying much, I thank you. Thank you.

skyway said:
the sole context of this tells everything you need to know about the game.
The context of nothing. It's a beautiful thing.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Because that particular part of the background is animated to give away maximum cute-ness and I couldn't be bothered to make a gif.
 

Sovy Kurosei

Erudite
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
1,535
ghostdog said:
LarsTheSurly said:
763_barretwhothehellareyou-1.jpg


Why does the top one have two eyes on the same side of its head?
Mako Radiation

Mako radiation turns you into a sea blue eyed bishounen that will be fawned on by endless legions of fangirls. This is just regular old radiation.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
In retrospect, I probably should have made Bruce Channel and DJ Ötzi guest commentators.

DJ Ötzi's screaming his one song:

Haaey, haaey haaey baby!!
(OH!! AH!!)
I want to knoooooowww-owwww!!
if you'll be my chick!!
(OH!! AH!!)

And then Bruce Channel and Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey just comes in and just shoots him dead right between the eyes, right in the stomach and right in the groin. Brilliant!

Meh. Next update is gonna be a while due to me getting ready to move to another town in my everlasting quest for world domination and womanly studies. So entertain yourselves as best you can and Flappyjack'll see you in a little bit.

edit: btw, there's an embarrassing error in Barret's memoirs. See if you can find it before I get around to fixing it.
 

Elhoim

Iron Tower Studio
Developer
Joined
Oct 27, 2006
Messages
2,878
Location
San Isidro, Argentina
"There was an explosion at the reactor" was first, then came: "It happened when Dyne and I were out of town for a few days", not the other way around.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Yes, but not really. I prefer the reverse order. It sounds more badass when I read it out loud in front of my friends.

"It happened when Dyne and I were out of town for a few days. (dramatic pause) There was an explosion at a reactor."

See? Try reading that. It sounds fucking badass. Then try reading "There was an explosion..." first. Not so badass, right? Well, that's what you get for being an uncultured whore!

Also, yes, you win a prize. Three cheers for El Hoyme, spanish master of decadence!
 

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