Chapter 30 - Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack
Part One: Epic to the point of being very epic & The Memoirs of Barret Wallace
Coming back to my dear hometown Corel after all these years brings back a lot of memories. My wife, Myrna. My friends. Finally seeing the sunlight after a day down in the mines. The sun... Oh, it's a big, yellow ball of concentrated orange juice up in the sky. It gives us life. It gives us warmth. It also gives us cancer, but I like to think that's a collaboration with God. Damn Almighty can't make something that's just good now, can he? Every little thing's gotta have something negative in it. That's why we humans invent sun lotion and lubricants. We do this so we can go out at stormy, rainy, completely awful nights and put our fists in the air and yell, as the thunder strikes our houses and horses; "Hey, God, leave the sun alone, man! We don't want any cancer crap from you, man!" Then we go back in before we catch a cold. The next day we rebuild our houses and bury our horses. And we watch the sun as we hammer and we dig; it's the most beautiful thing ever.
Hey, Cloud! Get the fuck outta the way! You're ruining the fuckin' picture!
Oh, sorry!
Too muthafuckin' late! Fuck! Fuck these disposable cameras!
I'm Barret Wallace. I fight for sunlight. This is my story.
This bridge... oh God...
Huh? What's up, Barret?
Nothin'. NOTHING! I jest got a... somethin' in my eye.
Uh, alright.
If you say so.
It's jest... ah, comin' back to Corel after all these muthafuckin' years...
We understand, Barret.
Y'know you can, like, talk to us about anything, right?
He can?
Yes.
I dunno about that...
He. Can.
Uh, okay.
Thanks, guys.
Yeah. Uh, don't mention it.
Don't say anything, but it would seem that we're currently walking on a rollercoaster.
Yeah. We used it to transport coal and mako and other stuff back in the day.
Right, right... But why a rollercoaster?
It made the job entertaining.
Oh.
Yep.
...
So.. ahem...
Yes?
Uh... no, nevermind.
No, no. Please. Go ahead.
Ah... Haha.. It's just...
Hm?
Why wouldn't you build a normal..?
Because we like rollercoasters.
But...
WE. LIKE. ROLLER-FUCK-COASTERS!!
Eep.
That's fuckin' right!
SUDDENLY!
Oh, oh oh oh oh!!
Stop reciting your porn script and jump!
Too late!
Oh shit.
I have a strange feeling that I can get an item if I hold left or right and flap my arms.
It's good that we get more than one chance to get these two treasures.
It certainly is, Aeris. It certainly is.
...
Why on earth are you staring at me like that, Yuffster McKenzie-Adams Smith?
..God?
What?
..nothing.
Oh, guess we gotta do something about that.
Nanaki!
Yes, Kemosabe?
Go sleep with the bridge's sister!
:D
Well, I thought it was a good idea.
You're a moron.
Yes, I suppose we could do that too.
We'll wait here while you, Barret and Aeris handle that.
Alright, gang! Let's lower that bridge good!
What? What about me?
You suck, Aeris! Go to hell!
Don't touch anything. Maybe we'll explode!
Or maybe it'll just lower the bridge?
Yer a damn optimist, aren't ya, white boy?
Hey, what can I say? It's how I was raised.
See, the camera just moved so the game could load the new "lowered bridge"-background.
Or maybe it just moved so the game could load the new "RESURRECTED VAMPIRE SEPHIROTH" boss fight?
That's ridiculous, Colin.
RESURRECTED VAMPIRE SEPHIROTH!!
Shut the hell up.
HE'S GOING TO DRINK OUR BLOOD!
Jesus Christ...
Yay! Cloud loaded the new background!
Go, Cloud! Go!
Aeris is a fucking whore!
Hey, Aeris. Look what me and Barret just found!
A rocketlauncher we can shoot Tifa with?
No, but something that's just as cool!
What is it?
Chicks!
Those damn chicks're sittin' on sum damn kinda muthafuckin' damn treasure!
Choices! :D
Consequences! :D
Cyrony! :D
That was stupid, Aeris.
FACT: skyway has waited forever to see this screenshot put into context.
FACT: skyway is very disappointed and has gone on a epic journey to find me and skin me alive with a bread knife.
Anyway...
Yes, I know he's a black man with a machine gun attached to his arm.
I'll handle this, Cloud. This is about me.
Uh, okay. We'll go stand over here.
Thanks.
EPIC BITCHSLAP OH YEAH!!
Shut up, Cloud.
Hey, hey, hey... what are they talking about, Barret?
Is this going to be trouble for us, Barret?
No. Don't worry about it.
Alright then.
Let's look for clues about Sephiroth. He must have passed through here.
That's Sephiroth! He must be inside the amusement park!
Onward!
Hey, Barret? What happened to your town?
It really only took four years to bury a town?
Alright, alright.
It got burn't down.
I can feel so much angst.
Initiate memoirs recorder machine!
Plug in the tape recorder, you mean?
Yes! That! Whatever.
Time passed and humans eventually created means and ways to make sunlight without sun or fire. They called it "electricisizzlelity". It proved to be a load of crap, sucking the energy from our lands and wasting our precious sun, but back then we were just happy to be safe from all the goddamn cancer, you know. So these people, the Shinra built a large structure outside of town. A reactor. It was really just like any other mine. My town had mined coal for as long as we could remember. Now we were gonna mine this thing called mako. Some of us were hesitant to give up our coal mines, said we couldn't turn our backs on our ancestors' labours. They had worked hard for the coal mines and so would we.
Dyne was my best friend, and one of the most adamant protestors. He felt it would be insulting to turn our backs on our ancestors labours. They had worked hard for the coal mines, and so would we. For me it was a no-brainer. Nobody used coal anymore so I knew that sticking with it would eventually spell the end for Corel. And Myrna and I were gonna have a baby. I was going to be a father. I had to make sure I could feed my family. Case in point, I fully embraced the future of mako energy and I trusted in the Shinra. They would help us. But... I was wrong. Oh, I was so very wrong...
I read about it shortly after. It was labeled as a terrorist act, and the whole town were responsible.
What is up with you coal miners and explosions, big guy?
*stare that could give you herpes*
Eep.
Oh, how horrible, Barret...
Yeah, well... we all lost loved ones in the attack... Dyne took it the hardest.
Maybe you'll see him again?
Maybe.
FORE-SHADOW-ING!!!
..what?
Nothing. We better get on. That guy must be really tired of waiting on us now.
Alright.
Maybe an amusement park will cheer you up!
Doubt it.
Wow, he's so distraught he forgot his black man accent.
I don't think he has one.
That's what I'm saying. I think he's...
Whatever.
Wow, you really are a bitch, Yuffie. :D
Yeah, I know. :D
To be continued!
In the next update: Flappyjack joins our party.