Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Elhoim said:

I remember Cid falling asleep during that scene...

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Most likely because he's apparently sharing a room with Vincent.

My brain nearly melted past page 9, for I wasn't ready to see what I imagined to be not as bad as that, maybe because my expectations were based on comparing it with FF3, and it is certainly more passable than this in graphics, "translation" and plot. Also, having the main villain as a fag(Kefka) is not so jarring as having the main character as one.

Once I annex Soviet Union with Poland I might attempt to replay FF3, or perhaps Septerra Core, to "compare notes".

GarfunkeL said:

The Heavenly Horse is nearing the end of it's Heavenly Endurance, obviously. Quick, some carrots marinated in whisky or something to keep him going strong!

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Andyman Messiah said:

Elhoim said:

I remember Cid falling asleep during that scene...

Click to expand...

Most likely because he's apparently sharing a room with Vincent.

Click to expand...

Later that night...

Just hearing the words Forgotten City and Temple of Ancients makes me cringe at how generic sounding they are. I nearly lost all determination I had to finish the game when I first heard those names since they sound like the sort of places developers would call that serve no purpose other than padding hours to the game for marketting to hype.

I think the Forgotten City's music is pretty good, and it looks kind of cool as well.

Update motherfucker! Pic related

Maybe i'm just not used to comic book action scenes, but try as I might I can't figure out what the fuck is going on in that pic.

They're having a Thanksgiving feast and are about to cut the turkey.

Inziladun said:

Maybe i'm just not used to comic book action scenes, but try as I might I can't figure out what the fuck is going on in that pic.

Click to expand...

Actually it's just that the page there makes bad use of viewpoints, pace and transitions between captions.

All native american fellas look the same in that comic. They all have the same mean, beady eyes. Does the guy who owned that horse get killed or did he and his buddies gang up on the thief or did the opposite thing happen or what the fuck happened? I honestly wanna know.

Anyway, live journal entry go! I've been away for a hospital visit. Don't worry, my liver is still intact. (Though I recently had to fill out a form about how many drugs I do, so the government IS keeping an eye on me...) It was family that needed my company and I spent new years eve at the hospital. I'm back now, though, and everything is all right. Thanks for asking.

Update on the way.

Andyman Messiah said:

All native american fellas look the same in that comic. They all have the same mean, beady eyes. Does the guy who owned that horse get killed or did he and his buddies gang up on the thief or did the opposite thing happen or what the fuck happened? I honestly wanna know.

Click to expand...

I think I should scan some of the pages from this Finnish comic about Indians, since it's pretty much the best of the subgenre I've encountered. Probably the most realistic and unbiased as well. Here's the cover of the second album (it's about the Ghostdance cult, and thus mostly involves personal drama in the sidelines of real events):



Inside, it's black and white, but the artist (Petri Hiltunen) is one of those who knows how to draw skin colours as well as detailed faces.

Almost every page of Turok is like that:







what

Chapter 42 - Date Night


My name is Cloud!

Cloud is the most depressing dude ever.



My name is Aeris!

(Suck it, Barretfags!)

Aeris is, uh... well, the less said about her the better, quite frankly.

Anyway...

She want to go on a date with Cloud!



For some.................fucking reason...

Cloud would much rather continue watching the fake weather.

But Aeris was taught to never accept "no" for an answer.

He wouldn't dress like that if he didn't want some nineteen year old alien flower girl pussy.

"I'm going to force him to go on a date with me," she decides.



"Oh well," Cloud mutters to himself. "Maybe I'll get some pussy if I behave."

_______________________


Aeris is quite happy. She's a woman.

"Come on, Cloud," she says.

Cloud is quite terrified.

He's not very experienced.

Aeris is yelling "Whoooooo!! This is going to be so great!"

Someone is greeting them at the station.



This makes Aeris very happy.

"This is going to be the best date ever," she decides!

And Cloud seems to have gotten slightly less terrified!

"At least I won't have to pay anything."

Aeris want to go see a show!



How lucky!

Do they get anything?



Aeris jumps up and down with excitement!

She's REALLY happy!

The date is a success so far, Cloud!

How do you feel about that?

"Like my arm is fucking broken because the bitch fucking forgot to let go before she started to jump up and fucking down," he replies.

(Off-camera, of course.)

But wait! How will this work? Do any of you know how to act?

I'm getting nervous!



HELLO: Andyman Messiah used to be an actor, well he still is not just as frequently anymore, and he wishes to let everyone know that the piece of advice given by FF7 is not something any aspiring actor should take to heart. Despite being only twentytwo years old, he has seen way too much of this "sudden improv" bullshit and he will find you and rocketlaunch you to the goddamn moon.

FACT: Be cool like Andyman Messiah; stick to the script.

Moving on.



Poor Thomas Haynes Bayly!

"Who," Cloud asked?

Nothing. Read the script, punk.



The most fantastic story ever.



But Cloud didn't answer.

He couldn't read the script as it was in words and not images.



So the knight quickly and discreetly pointed to himself.

Cloud did the same.

Not as quickly and discreetly.



But at least Cloud seemed to realize what he was supposed to be doing.



Look, Cloud! It's the King!

Maybe you should talk to him?



Talk to him some more!



...fascinating.



Who might possess the knowledge we need, Cloud?

"I give up," Cloud says.

Talk to the goddamn wizard, you doltfaced doltaroonie.



Look Cloud, it's the great wizard Whoreman!

What do we want to know from him?



Incredible.

Well, what is that green fucker's weakness?



Fanfuckintastic.

Oh, what's going to happen next?



...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...



FACT: Ends in sex.



FACT: Fucking told you so.

Alright, jesus christ, kiss her already.



Jesus Christ that was lame.



Newest catchphrase, boys and girls.

Say after me: ARRGGAHHH!!





The fucking end.



Yes, Alfred married the Story and ditched the Princess.



"I'm lucky you're so fucking stupid," Cloud replied.

Alright, shit, let's ride the gondola.

I believe we're not in fairy tale fuck style narrative land anymore?

DAMN #¤%&"!! RIGHT WE'RE NOT!



TWO PLZ.



TWO PLZ.



THANK YOU WE WON'T.

I think it's for the best if we let this scene unravel without The CAPSLOCK Narrator.

ALRIGHT (M)ASSIVE IMAGE DUMP ROMANTIC DATE PART TWO LET'S GO!

Fantastic.





AARDWARK MOMENT OF SILENCE!

You're ruining the moment!

CAPSLOCK-NARRATOR SORRY!







CAPSLOCK-NARRATOR WANT TO SEE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE!







SUDDENLY!



AERIS STARTS TALKING ABOUT HER EX-BOYFRIEND!!













Uh huh.



...............?
I want to meet you.
But I'm right here.
I know, I know... what I mean is...



CAPSLOCK-NARRATOR THINK THIS IS THE WORST DATE EVER!



BUT THEN AGAIN... CAPSLOCK-NARRATOR HAVE NEVER DATED MANY INSANE WOMEN!

On their way back to the hotel, Aeris and Cloud run into...





Oh snap!

Well, a wild chase filled with exploding barrels and little old ladies eventually brings us to...



Fuck. Oh well.



Well, it's not like I didn't give you a couple hints.
How could we ever believe you would deceive us, Deceive?!
Well, not to put the blame on you or anything but... 1: I forced myself into the group; 2: You once pondered the thought that there might be a spy in the group; 3: For five seconds. See, if you were intelligent you wouldn't be surprised right now. Anyway, what do you say we forget all about this and continue on like nothing ever happened?



Then, what are you goin' to do? Kill me? You'd just be wastin' your time if you tried. This body's just a toy anyway. My real body's at Shinra Headquarters in Midgar. I'm controllin' this toy cat from there.
So you're from Shinra. Who? Who are you! Tell me!
Whoa, I can't tell you my name.
We're not gettin' anywhere.
See? I told you! Talking won't do any good, so can't we just continue our journey?
You think I'm jokin'!?
...Alright. Yes, I am a Shinra employee. But we're not entirely enemies. ...Something bothers me. I think it's your way of life. You don't get paid. You don't get praised. Yet, you still risk your lives and continue on your journey. Seeing that makes me... It just makes me think about my life. I
don't think I'd feel too good if things ended the way they are now.
......And so on, and so on...
He'll never tell the truth. Once a spy, always a spy. We can't go on
with someone like that. C'mon get real!!
...just as I thought. Talking won't make a bit of difference. But I prepared something in case this happened. Here, it's for you.



Oh noes! Marlene has been taken by the Shins!

You asshole!





So the following day...




HI GUYS NEXT UPDATE ITS TIME TO GO TO THE ANCIENT TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS ITLL BE AWESOME LETS DO IT!!!

ARRGAAHHH!!

CAPSLOCK-NARRATOR WANT TO SEE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE!

Click to expand...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0-Pc4GnjFg

ARRGGAHHH!!

Onwards to one of the shittiest parts of the game!

Good news everyone! Aeris just ditched on us! More in the update coming soon!

!!!

hmmm,. that play is a foreshadowing.
princess kidnapped by evil baddie. etc etc.
otherwise. yeah that date was VERY lame.

UPDATE TIME.




See that pyramid? Alien civilizations made it, dude.



Thank you, Aeris. What would we do without you?

I... know... I feel it... The knowledge of the Ancients... floating... You could become one with the Planet, but you're stopping it with the strength of will. For the future? For us?
What are you saying? Do you understand?
You're uneasy... But happy? Because I'm here? I'm sorry ...I don't understand.

Let's go inside!



Hey, it's another black cape dude with a tattoo!



PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: This will not be the first time in the update the game will go completely bloom on us, believe me. Make sure your eyes are ready because I've taken some of the most horrible screenshots ever.



FACT: Yes, he turned into a ball and disappeared. This game is awesome.

Now let's go inside!

Holy shit, it's Tseng! Tseng of the Turks! And he's been sliced and diced! How do you feel, dude?!

Uh... I've been had. It's not the Promised Land... Sephiroth's searching for...
Sephiroth? He's inside!?
Look... for yourself... Damn... Letting Aeris go was the start... of my... bad luck... The President... was wrong...
You're wrong. The Promised Land isn't like what you imagined. And, I'm not going to help. Either way, there was no way Shinra could won.
...pretty harsh. Sounds like something... you'd say. The Keystone... Place it... on... the altar...

Tseng moves outta the way real slow and careful, making sure his intestines won't fall out. I guess the game is trying to pull some "well, he's almost dead, isn't it sad" moment out of its ass or something as Cloud asks Aeris... without looking at her (for extra dramatic effect):



...Tseng's with our enemy, the Turks, but I've known him since we were little... There's not a lot of people I can say that about. In fact, there are probably only a handful of people in the world who really know me.

Uh huh. By the way;



Oh and Deceive, our Shinra spy who handed the keystone over to helicopter-Tseng in the last update? He got nothing to say to his boss. Guess it wouldn't be appropriate.

Anyway...



That's what my first boyfriend said!
Delightful.



And away we go.





That doesn't really make sense. I really should have taken Cid along. His line goes something like this: "HOLY SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT WHAT THE HELL'S WITH THIS FUCKING PLACE?!!" and not only does it make sense, it fits too!

Anyway, welcome to the ancient temple. While this might look like a maze, it's really not. It's incredibly linear, with only a couple easily spotted dead ends. Also don't worry about trying to collect the treasure chests. You WILL get them all eventually if you run along on the linear path. I really don't see how anyone could get lost here. (But obviously a couple of retards did.)

First of all we want to go to the upper left exit (follow the blue dwarf-like guy).



He's a shopkeeper, a portable bed and savepoint all-in-one. Aeris also provides some lore about him. Basically they're guardians and caretakers of the temple. Yeah, boring. Now the real point of interest is the lower left exit which leads to...



HOLY JUMPING INDY JONES ROLLING "C" PASSAGE OF DOOM, CLOUD!

The trick is to time it just right so you can run and crouch under the rolling "c" boulders. Yeah, bet you didn't figure that one out all by yourself. Once you get to the exit these boulders will disappear and Aeris will trigger the mysterious pool you ran past.



I bet it's another "HAHAHA! SEPHIROTH IS AWESOME! HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE HIM!" scene.



Well, eventually.

...knowledge...consciousness... a living soul... It's trying to say something. I'm sorry, I don't understand. What? What is it? ...Danger? An evil...consciousness? ...show? You're going to show me?
A show! I love shows! Anyone got any popcorn?
Cloud!
Sorry.



We're watching a show, remember?



Meh, I've seen this one already. That guy there? See him? Totally gets gutted by Sephiroth.
OMG THANKS FOR SPOILING THE SHOW DECEIVE!!! :evil:
No problem.

...I wonder. Anyway, we have to report to the President.
Be careful, Tseng.
Yeah... Hey Elena, how 'bout dinner after this job's over?
Th... Thank you very much. If I may be excused...

She's totally blushing.
She's totally escaping death.
Think she's in league with Sephiroth?
...no.



CUE OMINOUS MUSIC!



CUE OMINOUS PENIS!



CUE OMINOUS SEPHIROTH!



...and his penis!

So you opened the door. Well done.
This place... what is it?
A lost treasure house of knowledge. The wisdom of the Ancients... I am becoming one with the Planet.
One with the Planet?
You stupid fools. You have never even thought about it. All the spirit energy of this Planet. All its wisdom... knowledge... I will meld with it all. I will become one with it... it will become one with me.
...you can do that?
The way...... lies here.





We were kind of standing right next to you.
Oh right. I guess I forgot.
Jesus fucking Christ...



Sephiroth is waiting for me! I know he is! We need to find the ROOM WITH PICTURES ON THE WALLS!!
I once had a groom with pictures on his balls, but he ran away with his sister.
Tee-hee.
......
SEPHIROTH!!



HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S SEPHIROTH! WE'RE DOOMED!
It's just the past times crystal ball swimming pool thing.
Oh. Yeah, that's right. Kewl.

Moving on, our heroes stumbled upon the clock puzzle room!



HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S THE TIME GUARDIAN! WE'RE DOOMED!
Get a grip on yourself, Cloud!
Alright! Grip taken!
Fantastic.
Do I start moving my arm now?




HELPFUL ADVICE: I'll say this right now; if you don't give a shit about piss-poor equipment, items and Aeris' bestest weapon in the game... just make your way out six o'clock.

Yeah, but we obviously had to pick up everything anyway.
Of course! I need that weapon!
You're going to use it for maybe fifteen minutes!! Tops! What the hell are you going to need it for? You're not a melee fighter! And you don't need the extra materia slots! What the hell are you going to use it for?!!
For fun...
Fffffffff...kinghell!!



Aeris, shut the fuck up.
Hey, narrator guy! What's the deal with this puzzle?




...sigh. Anything else?



Fantastic.

TWO JUMP OFF THE CLIFFS AND TWO DOOR ENTERINGS LATER WE CATCH THE DWARF AND CAN PROCEED.



IT IS THE ROOM WITH PICTURES ON THE WALLS!!!
Oh, right. Yes... Sorry.
THE ROOM WITH PICTURES ON THE WALLS!!
Shut the hell up.



SUDDENLY!

Who keeps saying that?!
What, you nervous?
*giggle*
I don't like it when SUDDENLY happens!



See! Fucking suddenly Sephiroth's teleported in here!
Oh fuck.
Fuck suddenly!
It's Sephiroth!











It's english, Cloud.
...oh...
....
....
...embarassing...
I knew that!
Sure you did.
I was just testing you!
Whatever.



At what!?
...
I don't see anything!
At the fucking mural, Cloud!
What!?
...the fucking pictures on the walls.
Oh!
...
....
...
I fucking knew that! Alright! I'm looking! What am I supposed to...
AT THAT WHICH... ahem... At that which adds to the knowledge of...



Oh here we fucking go again...

Sephiroth disappears into thin air and the heroic trio chases him to a last sit.




I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!! BOOHOO!!



It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury. ...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha ha ha. And at the center of that injury, will be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with all the energy of the Planet, I will become a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet... I will cease to exist as I am now... Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every soul.
An injury powerful enough to destroy the Planet?! Injure... the Planet?



THE GREATEST PICTURE ON THE WALL!
Indeed.
THAT WILL NEVER BECOME REALITY!
Hahaha...



MY EYES!
Oh no, what's happening now?







Oh fucking great, he's possessed by Sephiroth!
Cloud! Get a grip!



Yes, your name is Cloud! Now, come on! Let's go!



MINDFUCK!



Cloud! Come on! What's wrong?!



FACT: I watch in complete silence as Cloud and his transparent double go through every single animation Squaresoft bothered giving him.



SUDDENLY!

Oh shit, here we go again...



Well, Cloud, you kinda went all possessed by an evil spirit on us for a minute. We were kinda worried. Maybe we should seek help for you before you do something disastrous? In the meantime, let's not have you do anything important until we know you're completely intact. Okay? That's the best possible answer.

But...



WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE SAY EVERYTHING IS FUCKING ALRIGHT WHEN THINGS AREN'T?! THIS IS A SHITTY GAME WITH A SHITTY BULLSHIT STORY AND EVERYONE WHO DEFENDS IT SHOULD FUCKING DIE, DIE, FUCKING DIE IN A SNOWSTORM, A FIRE, A CAR ACCIDENT, A PRISON RIOT, A CITY RIOT AND A TERROR ATTACK AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.

Srsly.

Now back to the game.



AFTER HIM!
Nah, he's too far away.
Alright. Let's look at the pictures then.



No, it's chocolate.



The ultimate chocolate.

SUDDENLY!

SHUT THE HELL UP! WE CAN SEE THE HUGE FUCKING DRAGON!

SUDDENLY!

...I hate you.



It's a red dragon. Kick him til he turns blue. Moving on.

SUDDENLY AFTER!





I can spell really well, you know.
Yeah, it's really something.
It sure is! Oh! Also...:
METAL GEAR?!
Thank you, Kiefer.



METAL GEAR?!
Kiefer Sutherland, ladies and gentlemen!



METAL GE--Oh sorry. I'm done here for now, right?
Yeah, we'll let you know if we need you.
Hey, what do we with this thing?
Hold on, I'll ask the dead people.

SUDDENLY LATER!






Jesus F. Christ...

Hmm, it's pretty hard. You see this is a device, which gets smaller each time you solve a puzzle. As the model becomes smaller, you become smaller too. Until it's small enough to fit in the palm of your hand.
So, if we solve the puzzles, the Black Materia will get smaller and smaller and we can take it out?
Yes, but there's one thing... You can only answer the puzzles inside the Temple. So, anyone who solves the puzzle will be crushed by the Temple.
I see... the Ancients didn't want dangerous magic to be taken out of the Temple so easily...
Guess stuff this dangerous is best left alone?
No. We've got to think of a way to get it out. Because Sephiroth has lots of different flunkies. It's nothing to him to throw their lives away to get the Black Materia. This place isn't safe.
So what are we going to do?



Ok.



Ok.

The heroes rushed to the exit. Deceive tagged along a little bit because he knew there was gonna be a boss fight.



That means the boss fight is warm.
What do you mean?

SUDDENLY OH SHIT!



OH SHIT!

You have a some-kinda-timelimit on this one. You gotta kick the wallman's ass before he crushes you. Easy enough. You should have picked up a new, shiny, sparkly, absolutely FAAAABULOUS dragon summon materia. Have Aeris use it.



Good.

BUT FIRST!



Jesus Christ, lady, get your mind outta your panties!
Come on, it'll be great!
I'LL TAKE THE CASE!
Yay!
Fuck.
Alright, the prediction says "you two are very compatible." Wow. And there's pictures too! Whoooooaaaa....
Yay!
Fuck.
Well, that's what the note says! Alright, I'm off to use my body in the name of the planet!
Have fun.
Don't come back a zombie!
Don't worry, I won't... Uh... I...
Got something to say?





I have a feeling you're deceiving us when you say that.
Shut up, Cloud! You can do this, Deceive! I believe in you! Be strong, Shinra cat spy guy!
Aeris...
Now hop! Hop! HOP LIKE THE WIND!!
YES, MA'AM!!
...oh jesus christ...



SUDDENLY!



YOU STARTLED ME! FUCKING ASSHOLE!

HAHAHA! CAPSLOCK NARRATOR IS AMUSED!

FUCK YOU!









SHUT THE FUCK UP!



GO INTO THE GODDAMN LIGHT!

OUTSIDE THE TEMPLE!



Think he's dead yet?
No idea.
Hmm...
Hey, what happens to Marlene if Deceive dies?
The Shinra will probably execute her, skin her, cut up into little pieces, paint them red and green and hang them on a christmas tree.
That's horrible!
But probably very accurate.



Holy shit, I wasn't expecting that.
Think that giant black energy ball surrounding the temple is a bad thing?
I don't know. I haven't seen many giant black energy balls surrounding temples.



Holy crap!
It seems like it made the second background layer disappear!
That's next-gen!
Oh well, let's go get the black materia.





That's great! That... oh hey, it's the PHS! Hello? Oh hi, Tif... oh, you wanna talk to Cloud? Well, I can... yeah, I can do that. Tifa's got something to tell you, on behalf of everyone else.
She doesn't want to talk to me?
She's afraid she'll get cooties.
....
Anyway, she thinks maybe I should hold the Black Materia so SOMEONE doesn't hand it to Sephiroth..
What? Why would SOMEONE had it to Sephiroth?
Hey, Tifa, why would... oh. She says maybe SOMEONE is easily possessed by dark spirits and prone to mindfucks? Then she swore and called me a dumb whore.
Hahaha, that's ridiculous! SOMEONE would never do some crazy stupid shit like that! Hahaha!
Well, maybe just in case she's right.
I refuse to have this conversation right now, Aeris. Hang up on that dumb bitch. Rest assured! Nothing bad will ever happen! Now... let's get back to the original script! Can you use this?
The Black Materia? Nope, we can't use it right now. You need great spiritual power to use it.
You mean lots of Spiritual energy?
That's right. One person's power alone won't do it. Somewhere special. Where there's plenty of the Planet's energy... Oh yeah! The Promised Land!!
The Promised Land!! No, but...
Sephiroth is different. He's not an Ancient.
He shouldn't be able to find the Promised Land.
...Ah, but I have.

SUDDENLY! OH SHI--

I am far superior to the Ancients.



And soon, I will create the future.
I won't let you do it! The future is not only yours!
Ha, ha, ha... I wonder?



SUDDENLY! OH SHI--









Look, up in the sky! Is it Sephiroth flying away with the Black Materia? Yes, yes it is.

Oh no...





Deceive! It's Cloud! He's... I think he's...




TO BE CONTINUED!

This game is crap.

It's actually the greatest game ever.

It's totally FABULOUS.

I can't believe I missed this update.

WELL, MOAR PLZ. I used to think that part was awesome when the game was new.

Somehow I've managed to suppress these painful memories in my mind. Thanks for allowing them to re-surface, driving me mad in the process.

Moar!