Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

The whole scene is pure genius as far as I'm concerned. The careful camera work, Christopher Walken's trademark acting and the way the kid is looking at Chris like he's fucking Satan, y'know. I'd like to think you pay really close attention if you're fucking Satan. It's the best scene in the entire movie. Probably the only good scene in the movie. I've seen Pulp Fiction lots of times and there's only two scenes that seem to stick: cheeseburgers in France and the watch. And the former is really only educational if you're planning on going to France and eat at McDonalds for some reason.

Angler said:

You all make fun of Yuffie, but she can hit 9,999 melee damage way before anyone else.

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All true. It's really considered cheating.

There's also the loli factor. Barret, Red, Yuffie - Hentai Dream Team. Too bad you can't ditch Cloud and make this a reality.

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Oh, you can be sure we're almost going to put this team together at one point in the story. I have to switch Red with Cid, though. Black guy + loli ninja + wife beating irish astronaut, yes I think Cid Highwind is irish. Even wrote Preacher-ripoff fan fiction about it. Do a search. I dare you.

I love this thread. Keep it up!

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Thanks, man! I love your comic.

This scene was also great... Willis end's up with Sephiroth's sword. And that mini-chainsaw was pure brilliance.

Well, I suppose since we did just saved the only child in the town from a horrible sea monster it would be a good time to take this hag up on her offer and rest up for a bit!



Colin! Oh, voice in my head! Do you have any idea how much I have missed you?
Shut up, Cloud.
Okay, Colin.
I heard that bullshit story you told the others back in Kalm. Do you think it made any sense at all? Did you think so yourself?
...no?
Exactly. It didn't! That's because it was all bullshit! Bullshit filled with plotholes, Cloud! Plotholes the size of Patrick Swayze's cancer! Cancer, Cloud! Cancer!
Cancer is bad...
Yes, Cloud! It is! Cancer is very bad!
So that means plotholes are bad...
Yes! For starters... where the fuck was Tifa when you and Sephiroth first arrived in Nibelheim?



Out for a walk?
Didn't you see her?
I thought I told you I just broke in her house and looked at her underwear?
Did that make ANY sense?
...yes?
Oh Jesus Christ!
Is this really a plothole?
Well, she just suddenly appeared!
A day after we arrived, yes. Well, most girls are like that. They're always a day late.
Just ask her!
Okay. Hey Tifa!



Answer me, bitch!
I dunno. Out for a walk?
Don't be cute with me, missy! I know what your panties smells like!
I honestly don't remember. It was five years ago, you know.
Oh yeah...
And I almost got killed by Sephiroth too!
Really traumashizzling stuff!
So EXCUSE me for trying to forget!! *storms out, slams door, kicks Nanaki in the face*
Ugh... WOMEN!! I'll just go to Fort Condor all by myself and kill Shinra mercenaries for a while!



(some killing later, Cloud returns to Junon with a completely stupid un-reward)

I feel revitalized! Hey, bitch! You calmed down?
Fuck you, Cloud!
Hey, blow me! I'm gonna buy you a calendar!
Please shut up, children. What is that music?



No idea actually. Locue doesn't play with sound enabled.
Why would he do such a thing?
Because he'd rather listen to something better than shit music.



Well, well, well! Look who's alive all thanks to my expert lifesaving technique!
Shut up, Cloud. Are you feeling better, Priscilla?
Did da creepy ol' man shizzle you inizzle your dirty spotizzle?
What? No, he's my dad! What are you talking about?
I askedizzletizzled you a questionizzley, little ladyizzle!
Too exotic, Barret.
Everyone's muthafuckinizzelly ignoring me??? Razzlefrazzle!!!
Just shut up, Barret.
Why did I get involved in this exactly?



Don't worry about it, Priscilla.
Well, I feel like I should give you a reward or something.



Holy shit.
Is this... is this SPECIAL?
All caps. Oh my god, it's all caps.
SPECIAL, BOY! THE SPECIAL SYSTEM!
Finally things are looking up! We're going to be just like Fallout!
Eh, everyone's using the SPECIAL system these days.
Shut up, Nanaki.
Yeah, shut up, Nanaki!
Finally, we're going to be taken seriously! Finally, we're going to become the roleplaying pioneers we were meant to be!!
It's my most favorite amulet! Take good care of it, ok?

...

You don't like it?
An amulet!?
An omelet?!
No, you stupid nigger! It's a fucking amulet!
Hey, don't call me stupid, white boy!
Don't call me boy, you horrible stereotype!
Don't call me horrible you little fuck!
Oh I'll show you little!
BRING IT ON, WHITE BOY!
Oh dear.
OH DEAR THIS!
Are they always doing this?

*A GIGANTIC FIGHT SCENE!!!!*

Priscilla?
It summons a really pretty naked lady and I thought you'd be happy to have it. Think about me while you're looking at her? She shoots ice out of her hands. It's very special to me.
We know, we know... We'll take care of it. Don't worry...HEY STOP FIGHTING YOU DICKS!! We're really grateful, Priscilla.

MUCH LATER!!!



It's metal, you fag!

Like, enough about your W.A.S.P. listenathon, gramps!

Shut up and go back to your Oasis cds, you underage little twat.

What's Oasis?

I AM ONE!!

Oh hey, in the next update: we use Mr. Dolphin to launch ourselves up on the upper level of Junon, participate in a military parade and maybe stow away ourselves on the boat to Costa Rica Del Sunflower Resort if we have time but if not it'll end up in the next next update instead.

MOAR FINAL FANTASY

I still don't understand why Tifa doesn't explain anything to Cloud about the massive holes in his memory. Like, they could have been indicative of a brain tumour. He could have got half-way through the game, gone blind, lost all his inhibitions and died humping an electric pylon.

Now let's see how much mileage you can get out of Barret's sexy sailor outfit.

MOAR Razzlefrazzle PLZ

Also I can't believe you prefer listening to Animal (fuck like a beast) and other hideous songs than the epic midi masterpieces of FF...

Better late than never. Nice update.

You know, Tifa does a great job of pointing out the fact that every male protagonist in a Japanese game is a faggot. I recently just replayed Ninja Gaiden Black. The main character has this hot blond chick in tight leather and thigh high boots that totally wants to get it on with him, but he simply refuses. It really pisses me off.

afewhours said:

I still don't understand why Tifa doesn't explain anything to Cloud about the massive holes in his memory. Like, they could have been indicative of a brain tumour. He could have got half-way through the game, gone blind, lost all his inhibitions and died humping an electric pylon.

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She's saving it up for the big dramatic reveal, you oaf!

My guess is that she thinks having Cloud freak out while they're trying to save the world would be a bad thing. Yeah, it's retarded but it's the only thing I can think of.

ghostdog said:

MOAR Razzlefrazzle PLZ

Also I can't believe you prefer listening to Animal (fuck like a beast) and other hideous songs than the epic midi masterpieces of FF...

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Animal sucks and it's a shame it's their most famous song. Most W.A.S.P. fans will agree on that and the rest who won't are just stupid. Blackie and his co-workers did a lot better once they had stomped up a big n' dangerous controversy = publicity. I especially recommend The Crimson Idol, their concept album from 1991 about a young guy with dreams of becoming a star. It's really good stuff.

Fat Dragon said:

You know, Tifa does a great job of pointing out the fact that every male protagonist in a Japanese game is a faggot. I recently just replayed Ninja Gaiden Black. The main character has this hot blond chick in tight leather and thigh high boots that totally wants to get it on with him, but he simply refuses. It really pisses me off.

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Well, you know that wiith great breasts must come great asexuality. At least for the player characters.

Also, you totally c-c-combo broke the Dogs MOAR!

(Thank you.)

Edit: I'll chime in here with an edit that updates will be a lot more regular from now on. At least I'll try harder. We'll see how it goes.

Locue said:

She's saving it up for the big dramatic reveal, you oaf!

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Hmmm. So it seems the entire plot of Final Fantasy VII can be summed up as Tifa being a massive tease? :D Well, it's easier to explain than all that bollocks about Sephiroth/Jenova/GHLUAGHLUAGHAGGG.

Fat Dragon said:

I recently just replayed Ninja Gaiden Black. The main character has this hot blond chick in tight leather and thigh high boots that totally wants to get it on with him, but he simply refuses. It really pisses me off.

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Aw, come on. If anyone dressed like Rachel - that is the lass in Ninja Gaiden, right? - approached me in real life, I'd run screaming before I caught Siphyllis. Even if I didn't catch an STD, I'd probably get shot by her minder for the contents of my wallet. I see trash wandering about in skimpy clothes all the time, and it's just not attractive. Instead, give me a lass who wears sensible shoes, wraps up during the winter, and doesn't poison her face with makeup.

And Tifa's REALLY annoying. I can't blame Cloud for not wanting to screw with the prattling, pathetic, clingy, immature... and several more abusive adjectives followed by a pithy noun.

Though none of this disproves that Cloud and every other JRPG protagonist is a massive faggot, so you still win.

Everyone who's gotten to disc four knows that the reason Cloud avoids Tifa is because he wants to get it on with Yuffie.

Needs moar Colin!

All caps. Oh my god, it's all caps.

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Locue said:

Animal sucks and it's a shame it's their most famous song. Most W.A.S.P. fans will agree on that and the rest who won't are just stupid. Blackie and his co-workers did a lot better once they had stomped up a big n' dangerous controversy = publicity. I especially recommend The Crimson Idol, their concept album from 1991 about a young guy with dreams of becoming a star. It's really good stuff.

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Actually I was being ironic, I love WASP , though I prefer Headless Children from Crimson Idol. Idol is great, but a bit too emo for a wasp LP.

Oh, and FUCKYOU animal is thier biest song YOU EMOFAGGOTT.

Anyway, keep those updates coming, the last one was hilarious.

ghostdog said:

Locue said:

Animal sucks and it's a shame it's their most famous song. Most W.A.S.P. fans will agree on that and the rest who won't are just stupid. Blackie and his co-workers did a lot better once they had stomped up a big n' dangerous controversy = publicity. I especially recommend The Crimson Idol, their concept album from 1991 about a young guy with dreams of becoming a star. It's really good stuff.

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Actually I was being ironic, I love WASP , though I prefer Headless Children from Crimson Idol. Idol is great, but a bit too emo for a wasp LP.

Oh, and FUCKYOU animal is thier biest song YOU EMOFAGGOTT.

Anyway, keep those updates coming, the last one was hilarious.

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YOU'RE STUPID!

Headless Children is great.

afewhours said:

Aw, come on. If anyone dressed like Rachel - that is the lass in Ninja Gaiden, right?- approached me in real life, I'd run screaming before I caught Siphyllis. Even if I didn't catch an STD, I'd probably get shot by her minder for the contents of my wallet.

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Yeah, well Ryu is a master ninja that doesn't really seem to give a fuck about anything, and even murders one of his own ninja in the first level. Why does he all of a sudden become a saint when it comes to women? He also seems to be immune to diseases since he gets attacked by bacteria infested demons constantly. Also, I've always been attracted to women in leather and thigh high boots, so maybe that has something to do with it?

I see trash wandering about in skimpy clothes all the time, and it's just not attractive. Instead, give me a lass who wears sensible shoes, wraps up during the winter, and doesn't poison her face with makeup.

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Ryu had a girl like that but she's murdered in the very beginning, right before he gets murdered for acting like a pussy.

And Tifa's REALLY annoying. I can't blame Cloud for not wanting to screw with the prattling, pathetic, clingy, immature... and several more abusive adjectives followed by a pithy noun.

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Tifa is just like that girl everybody wanted to screw in high school but didn't because she talked too much, and somebody talking during sex just ruins it. But seeing as how Cloud loses his chance with Aeris, who else does he got?

Though none of this disproves that Cloud and every other JRPG protagonist is a massive faggot, so you still win.

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We shouldn't forget about that Kaim dude from Lost Odyssey. He's spawned dozens of families so he's obviously not a massive faggot. Yet, he lets his ten year old granddaughter run around dressed like a hooker, so maybe he's an incest pedophile, which is even worse.

...I've found this Final Fantasy Tactics thing. And there's something really wrong with all FF franchise. anyway on one of the levels I had to fight ninjas - and it turned out to be that to win that battle I need to have some good long-range bombardment units like summoners. so I had a choice - to develop summoners or to stop playing this horrible emo shit. guess what did I choose?
the storyline is so shitty it makes me want to cry. even FF7 is not so emo. so somebody make a LP of this horrible emo-fest. it even has Cloud and you can make him join you. fortunately I stopped playing before that.

skyway said:

...I've found this Final Fantasy Tactics thing. And there's something really wrong with all FF franchise. anyway on one of the levels I had to fight ninjas - and it turned out to be that to win that battle I need to have some good long-range bombardment units like summoners. so I had a choice - to develop summoners or to stop playing this horrible emo shit. guess what did I choose?
the storyline is so shitty it makes me want to cry. even FF7 is not so emo. so somebody make a LP of this horrible emo-fest. it even has Cloud and you can make him join you. fortunately I stopped playing before that.

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You needed Summoners to get passed a certain part? I beat that game without ever needing to use one. The only hard part in the game was the fight against Velius. The story is good, but the bad translation ruins it. And there's nothing "emo" about the sotryline.

Final Fantasy Tactics is a horrible emo-fest? What the fuck.
Also, I never use summoners when I play, so I don't know what you're on.

Summoners were pretty useless in that game. Their defense was terrible so they're often cut down before they can cast a summon. If they do manage to cast it all of the targets have either moved out of the attack zone because the spell takes so long to charge, or the spell does little damage. I just used Archers for ranged attacks.

This is just embarassing.

so you will say that FF Tactics is not an emo-fest? how about "omg they've killed my sister - now I will betray my best friend, though he always helped me and now too" (and after that during 3 chapters he goes waa waa in every fucking cutscene where he appears)?
or "oh noes I'm not the real princess" and then like 5 cutscenes during which I had a strong wish to call a waaaaaambulance (seriously why every jap princess is a pussy? no wonder that their country lies in ruins because of such rulers). the shitty storyline design choice of "you've beaten me to death, but I'm still alive! c ya later! teleport!" which applies for almost every possible character in the game. or moments when storyline goes batshit insane like "brother I now know that you're bad" - "sister then I will kill you because you know that I'm bad". that's some motivation there. or the mercenary sent to kill the princess - "killing princess is the part of the contract and I will do it just now" - what? you were with her ALL THIS TIME and decided to kill her only after I arrived, stripped you of all your good equipment to put it on me and we've met the very powerful guy that could kick your ass anytime (which he did - and omg guess what mercenary did after he was beaten? why can't I teleport when my party is screwed?). wtf?
enough?

skyway said:

so you will say that FF Tactics is not an emo-fest? how about "omg they've killed my sister - now I will betray my best friend, though he always helped me and now too" (and after that during 3 chapters he goes waa waa in every fucking cutscene where he appears)?

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Delita never betrays you. In fact, he helps you out at a few points during the game. Delita never acts emo either. He's actually a pretty smart bastard that manipulates everybody so he can become king, and he actually succeeds.

or "oh noes I'm not the real princess" and then like 5 cutscenes during which I had a strong wish to call a waaaaaambulance (seriously why every jap princess is a pussy? no wonder that their country lies in ruins because of such rulers).

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I imagine most princesses would be pretty upset if they found out something like that. It's not "emo". Emo would be like that Squall guy from Final Fantasy 8. What a shitty game that was.

the shitty storyline design choice of "you've beaten me to death, but I'm still alive! c ya later! teleport!" which applies for almost every possible character in the game.

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It's been a while since I last played the game, but the only characters I remember doing that were Gafgarion and Elmdor. Everybody else that teleported away was always killed in the next fight, if I remember correctly.

or moments when storyline goes batshit insane like "brother I now know that you're bad" - "sister then I will kill you because you know that I'm bad".

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What are you talking about? Don't be so vague.

or the mercenary sent to kill the princess - "killing princess is the part of the contract and I will do it just now" - what? you were with her ALL THIS TIME and decided to kill her only after I arrived, stripped you of all your good equipment to put it on me and we've met the very powerful guy that could kick your ass anytime. wtf?
enough?

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Are you talking about Gafgarion? He was never hired to murder the princess, but to kidnap her and bring her to that Prince guy, I think it was Larg.

Fat Dragon said:

Delita never betrays you. In fact, he helps you out at a few points during the game. Delita never acts emo either. He's actually a pretty smart bastard that manipulates everybody so he can become king, and he actually succeeds.

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when his sister got killed his enemy said - PC used you - and Delita was like - omg you used me - bye bye - and then he stole the princess. and PC was like - wat?

I imagine most princesses would be pretty upset if they found out something like that. It's not "emo". Emo would be like that Squall guy from Final Fantasy 8. What a shitty game that was.

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she was emo even before. "oh I'm so kind to everyone, oh would you teach me how to blow melodies with leafs?"

It's been a while since I last played the game, but the only characters I remember doing that were Gafgarion and Elmdor. Everybody else that teleported away was always killed in the next fight, if I remember correctly.

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much much more. "killed in the next fight" - there was only 2 or 3 characters that did this after teleport. but total majority of them teleported and never appeared in first 3 chapters.

or moments when storyline goes batshit insane like "brother I now know that you're bad" - "sister then I will kill you because you know that I'm bad".

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What are you talking about? Don't be so vague.[/quote]
the very first fight with ninjas. where you have to protect the sister of some guy, forget his name already though.

Are you talking about Gafgarion? He was never hired to murder the princess, but to kidnap her and bring her to that Prince guy, I think it was Larg.

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remember that waterfall map? guys told him let's kill the princess. and he was like "ok it is a part of the contract".
then again why didn't he at least kidnap her? considering that other guys totally had no problems of doing that later in the game.

skyway said:

when his sister got killed his enemy said - PC used you - and Delita was like - omg you used me - bye bye - and then he stole the princess. and PC was like - wat?

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Took me a while t piece together what you was trying to say, but I'm guessing it's about the beginning where the princess is kidnapped at the church by Delita? Delita was never working with the merc group Ramza was, so he didn't betray him when he kidnapped her.

she was emo even before. "oh I'm so kind to everyone, oh would you teach me how to blow melodies with leafs?"

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So, even being a nice social person that likes everybody is considered "emo" now? Whenever I think of an "emo" person, Squall from FF8 always comes to mind.

much much more. "killed in the next fight" - there was only 2 or 3 characters that did this after teleport. but total majority of them teleported and never appeared in first 3 chapters.

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I see what you mean. But this doesn't really hurt the storyline or make it "emo".

the very first fight with ninjas. where you have to protect the sister of some guy, forget his name already though.

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That still doesn't tell me much. Sorry, it's been a good number of years since I last played the game.

remember that waterfall map? guys told him let's kill the princess. and he was like "ok it is a part of the contract".
then again why didn't he at least kidnap her? considering that other guys totally had no problems of doing that later in the game.

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Just took a look at the game script. Seems you're right about that, but I still don't see what the big deal is. He had reinforcements during that map to help him out and he wasn't expecting his current men to turn on him. It was the best time to do what he was hired to do, it just didn't turn out the way he expected.

Wow, what a thread derail. Locue will be pissed.

The only place in the game I can think of with ninja would be the rafa/malak arc. Maybe the shit translation confused you or something, but she never implies anything about Malak other than that he's being used by the man that raised them. To which his response is more or less "Fuck you liar! Daddy LOVES US!" Which is retarded, but then so are all of the characters involved in that mess. It definitely got tacked on as filler.

The teleporting thing always did piss me off. But then again, so did not being able to use a phoenix down on Teta or stripping all those shiny weapons off the dead. It's not like watching them walk away makes any more sense. If the game were entirely bound to the player's decisions, you could power level a bit and roll through the country demolishing every major leader. My only real complaints about the game was the poor balancing of abilities in general. Math, Summons, Holy Swords skills, abandon, move/mp switch, chemists... any one of those make the game obscenely easy. (It's an ironic fact that chemists are really the best class in the game.) Well, once it gets hacked enough that part should be better.

http://auritech.fantopolis.com/viewforum.php?f=8

Moar Fainaru Fantasii?

I was wondering when somebody would bump this thread with a "MOAR!" cry.