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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

DriacKin

Arbiter
Joined
Oct 9, 2008
Messages
2,588
Location
Inanescape
Andyman, if you're gonna keep doing updates (which you should), you should remove the 'ABANDONED' tag in the thread title.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
DriacKin said:
Andyman, if you're gonna keep doing updates (which you should), you should remove the 'ABANDONED' tag in the thread title.
There's always a chance it'll happen.

sportforredneck said:
I've never bothered to read this LP. Is it actually interesting?
The first update is the only serious one, about half into the second update I pretty much just gave up. You'll notice a huge improvement in the decline with every update.

Chefe said:
Not really. It's just 59 pages of people saying "Stop doing this. You suck, Andyman."
Moar like 59 pages of people yelling "moar" and posting pictures of horses.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
(Two updates in less than a month? Goddamn, am I on a roll or what?)


PREVIOUSLY, on Final Fantasy 7:

ff7211.jpg



AND NOW, on Final Fantasy 7:

ff7212.jpg


It's Weapon.

rufusshinra.jpg
There's been so many attacks lately. Can we handle it?
Heidegger.jpg
I believe so. Your orders?
rufusshinra.jpg
No need to ask.
Heidegger.jpg
Aye aye, Cap'n!

ff7213.jpg


ff7214.jpg


Heidegger.jpg
Give it a facial it'll never forget!

ff7215.jpg


Right, so for everyone wondering about this huge fucking cannon. Well, its name is "Sister Ray" (yes, like the Velvet Underground song) and it was constructed for no goddamn reason some time before the events of Crisis Core, the prequel to FF7. It is powered entirely by mako (Huge Materia to be exact). It is said that one blast alone can destroy entire cities and that the blast can reach well beyond the ocean and to the other continents. But enough about myth, let's talk reality. Sister Ray is an absolute piece of shit of a weapon that will never serve any purpose other than failing really goddamn hard. Don't believe me? Let's continue!

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Take that, water!

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The suspense is killing me.

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NO, YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU JUST SHOT THE GODDAMN WATER!

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WHAT?! THE BLAST DIDN'T EVEN HIT ANYTHING! HOLY SHIT, THERE WASN'T EVEN ANYTHING FOR IT TO HIT, GODDAMMIT!!

ff7225.jpg


Attack of the obnoxious blue boxes!

rufusshinra.jpg
How about the cannon?
Heidegger.jpg
It'll take time to reload.
rufusshinra.jpg
Then use regular firepower in the meantime!

Sigh.

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SIGH.

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You heard the lady. Gas! How will Tifa get out of this one? Oh, and how about that actioneous cutscene, huh? Whoa! I bet you wish I had captured the video and put it up on youtube or something. Well, too bad and fuck you. See you in the next update when we escape from Shinra! Again.

Fuck yeah!
 

Chefe

Erudite
Joined
Feb 26, 2005
Messages
4,731
Andyman Messiah said:
Chefe said:
Not really. It's just 59 pages of people saying "Stop doing this. You suck, Andyman."
Moar like 59 pages of people yelling "moar" and posting pictures of horses.

Same. I thought you would be better at pointing out sarcasm, Andy.

And I want to see you play out the Tifa/key minigame in excruciating detail.

Also it is interesting that Cloud and co. can take down a Weapon with a sword, shuriken, spear, gunarm, comb, fists, etc. after a few rounds, but Shinra can't with all the artillery fire in the world. Does this mean that Cloud and co. are more powerful than all of the nations in the world combined?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chefe said:
Andyman Messiah said:
Chefe said:
Not really. It's just 59 pages of people saying "Stop doing this. You suck, Andyman."
Moar like 59 pages of people yelling "moar" and posting pictures of horses.

Same. I thought you would be better at pointing out sarcasm, Andy.
I thought that was what I did.

And I want to see you play out the Tifa/key minigame in excruciating detail.
No.

Also it is interesting that Cloud and co. can take down a Weapon with a sword, shuriken, spear, gunarm, comb, fists, etc. after a few rounds, but Shinra can't with all the artillery fire in the world. Does this mean that Cloud and co. are more powerful than all of the nations in the world combined?
Cloud and the gang are the chosen ones. They can kill a god with an umbrella if they wanted to.

Brother None said:
How close are we to the end anyway
Kinda close.
 

SCO

Arcane
In My Safe Space
Joined
Feb 3, 2009
Messages
16,320
Shadorwun: Hong Kong
Actually, very far away.

Are you going to do the side-quests? Like get Vincent, the various map related hidden spots, etc?
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
ff7235.jpg

No wonder it's such a huge piece of shit, that thing is rusty as fuck. You'd think a military would want to keep its prototype weapons in top shape. Then again it's a military being ran by a teenager, a fat horsefucker, and a slut so what else could you expect?
 

Chefe

Erudite
Joined
Feb 26, 2005
Messages
4,731
Fat Dragon said:
No wonder it's such a huge piece of shit, that thing is rusty as fuck. You'd think a military would want to keep its prototype weapons in top shape. Then again it's a military being ran by a teenager, a fat horsefucker, and a slut so what else could you expect?

I wasn't always a teenager. It used to be run by a fat guy who wanted to find HEVAN!.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
HDKJGHDKHGKSHKJSH, on Final Fantasy 7!

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WUFUIASGHUFHAKHFJAKHFJAKHF, on Final Fantasy 7!

ff7237.jpg


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Quickly, Barret! Use your iongatlinglaserrocketmachinegun to blast that door open and save Tifa!
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Muthafucka can't, muthafucka.
puppet.jpg
Oh, alright then. HEY! TIFA! CHANNEL GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD!!

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But when B n' D exits the room...

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Scarlet locks the door!!

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You dumb motherfucker!

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Alright, let's just get the fuck outta here.
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Muthafucka what about Tifa muthafucka?
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I'm sure we'll be able to save her if we steal that airship and use it to get as far as possible away from here.
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Muthafucka that totally makes sense muthafucka! Muthafucka alright, let's do it muthafucka!

You dumb fuckermother!

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BLAH BLAH BLAH Yuffie joins our party.

ff7243.jpg


As opposed to where exactly? Wasn't this exactly where we were headed like a fucking minute ago? Are you telling me now you suddenly don't have a fucking plan?

I WANT TO GO HOME.

ff7244.jpg


Alright, so while these three idiots prepare to make their final stand...

ff7245.jpg


... Tifa is thrown into an aerobics-style minigame. When your only hope is a dimwitted marshmallow toy and a stupid Mr T impersonator... yeah, fuck that rescue attempt and bring on the minigame.

ff7246.jpg


So this is one of the most enjoyable minigames ever, in any game ever. It's easy, it's short, it makes... sense. I like it. Here we go.

ff7247.jpg


Wasn't that amazing?

Now let's just turn off the gas...

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... and open that damn door.

ff7249.jpg


You goddamn weaklings. What in the name of fuck are you eating? First Barret and now you? I'll bet anything that Yuffie could open that door with a poke from her pinky fing--SUDDENLY!!

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It's Weapon!

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He's using his laser breath to microwave open the roof to the torture chamber! How convenient! Thanks, Weapon!

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What a nice Weapon!

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Huh?

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HOLY SHIT THEY JUST SHOT WEAPON IN THE FACE!!

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That was pretty cool, actually. I guess I lied. Sister Ray is great when the target is like A METER AWAY!

Anyway, thanks to Weapon's bad breath, Tifa can climb the fuck out and escape the fuck out and totally get the fuck out.

ff7256.jpg


Expertly followed by Shinra-soldiers of course.

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The best way to capture a fugitive is to wait patiently for them to come back.

Anyway, speaking about fugitives...

ff7258.jpg


I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE!
I DON'T CARE!

ff7259.jpg


Meh.

So they're actually standing on the cannon now. Make what you want about that piece of information. Here things quickly evolve into a slapping contest.

ff7260.jpg


This is another minigame I absolutely adore. Let's do it.

ff7261.jpg


Wasn't that amazing?

Anyway, we have an airship to board.

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Look, everyone! It's Barret!

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He throws out a rope for Tifa to catch. She... does, and climbs up. The movie ends with a quick tour around the cannon, which I didn't bother screenshooting.

ff7265.jpg


That's what she said, et cetera. Anyway, we have a fucking airship now so that's pretty cool. It comes loaded with freshly defected crew members from Shinra's operation, a place to hang our chocobos and a pretty pointless meeting room (or "operation room" I guess..).

ff7266.jpg


In the next update we do some stuff.
 

Radisshu

Prophet
Joined
Jul 16, 2007
Messages
5,623
For some reason I found the weapon-getting-shot-in-the-face-bit really funny. I remember when I was like 12 and saw that scene for the first time, then it just seemed epic.
 

Brother None

inXile Entertainment
Developer
Joined
Jul 11, 2004
Messages
5,673
Elhoim said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsYlxEywO6w&feature=related

I remember seeing this scene in a THX cinema at my fathers work. It was pretty awesome.

It is pretty awesome. That's a damned good cutscene, really, even if the ending in-yo-face thing is slightly lulwutz. Kinda anti-climactic.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Last time on Final Fantasy 7 we got equipped with airship! Now join me as we talk about stuff that have happened.

ff7267.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
...great.
cidhighwind.jpg
Huh, ain't you excited?!
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Cid...
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Oh right. We lost that stupid kid.
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Well, technically we lost a stupid kid clone of a stupid samurai faggot alien thing. Or something.
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That's as far as we know at least...
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Yeah, yeah, we'll sum things up again when we know more about this shit.
tifalockhart.jpg
...
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...um, Tifa? Do you... Do you think we're strong enough without Cloud?
tifalockhart.jpg
Well, Meteor is coming and Weapon is on the rampage and Shinra is a bunch of stupid dicks... I don't know.
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Get ahold of yourself, Tifa! Let's think about this!

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FACT: Barret + Trains = True!

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If only Cloud was here, everything would be fine. He would... stand that cocky little way he did, and tell us what to do.
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Not on my "#¤%&! ship he would! I'd javelin him so hard in the ass he'd start to complain about gingivitis!
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..He'd say, "Everything's under control, Tifa."
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... SHIIIII--- When did you become such a wimp, Tifa?!
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I'm sorry. I'm kind of shocked myself. I'm so depressed.

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THE MORE YOU KNOW: Here, Barret does his Tarzan routine and storms off. It's effectively hidden by Nanaki's blue box.

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I know. That's why I have to see him again.
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Are you two continuing some other conversation? That doesn't make sense.
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No, the translation just sucks. We're talking about how the real Cloud should be out there somewhere, or something, and that we should go look for him. The horrible translation doesn't really make it clear.
cidhighwind.jpg
So we're gonna embark on a wild goose chase for some stupid kid?
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Just say what's on your mind, Cid.

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cidhighwind.jpg
But I gotta admit he was a strange dude. I mean, just when you thought he was cool, he'd go off and do some damn fool thing. And when you thought he was smart, he'd show how stupid he was! Everything about him from his movements to his speech were kinda odd. Knowing what I do now, I can see why he was like that.
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Yeah...
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Well, as long as you stay alive you might just see him again some day, so cheer up.

Cid Highwind. Father figure, plot analysis expert and all around good guy. It's like looking in a fucking mirror.

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.....I'll be able to see him someday?
cidhighwind.jpg
That's right. Well, if we can find out where he is, the Highwind can get us there in no time!
Redxiii.jpg
Hmm, maybe...
cidhighwind.jpg
Huh?

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Redxiii.jpg
Buried in the depths of the underground...
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Deep within the earth... Are you talking about the Lifestream?
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No, I'm talking about hell.
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Oh.
Redxiii.jpg
Of course I'm talking about the Lifestream! Um, sometimes it gushes out to the surface from cracks in the ocean floor. I once heard that such a place exists.
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WELL ISN'T THAT MUTHAFUCKIN' CONVENIENT!?
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Shut up, Barret. Go back to your corner and sulk.
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Muthafucka fantasy bullshit!
tifalockhart.jpg
So if we find that place...
Redxiii.jpg
We might find Cloud.
tifalockhart.jpg
Hmm... Interesting.

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barretwallace.jpg
We did just fine without him in the beginning. Right?
tifalockhart.jpg
...
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Shit, Tifa. What happened to that tough girl I used to know? Where'd she go?
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Well, I sure as hell don't know! Let's just take our newly acquired airship for a spin and see if we can find her.

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tifalockhart.jpg
Hey, pilot guy, I'd like to...

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Oh what the fuck now?
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Sorry, Tifa, but I gotta show this moron how to fly the ship properly. You look tired. Why don't you go to your room and rest up? Come back in a while and I'll have him prepped up for your every airship flying desire.
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Thanks, dad.
cidhighwind.jpg
Don't mention it.. wait what?!

And so Tifa went to the Operation Room, saved her game and picked up her party members Barret and Nanaki while Captain Dad Cid remained on the bridge and grinded his level 3 pilot character to a more competent level 3!

Hang on for a thrilling update I have named "I fly around and do stuff!" It should magically appear in the thread tomorrow. It'll be awesome.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
Patron
Joined
Feb 23, 2006
Messages
28,396
Location
Not Here
Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
Man, when I first had Cloud disappeared plot point, I thought there was an option to just proceed to the end game without him, ala Chrono Trigger. Turns out there isn't. You gotta grab Blondie to progress.
 

DriacKin

Arbiter
Joined
Oct 9, 2008
Messages
2,588
Location
Inanescape
Andyman Messiah said:
Hang on for a thrilling update I have named "I fly around and do stuff!" It should magically appear in the thread tomorrow. It'll be awesome.
Updates seem to be coming much more frequently these last couple of weeks. I like it. :)
 

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