Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

I... You... Ah, fine! I accept it.

Stereotypical Villain said:

I... You... Ah, fine! I accept it.

Click to expand...

What? You're just going to accept it? Man, you stereotypical villains sure have changed.

I'm gonna update tomorrow unless someone breaks into my house and fucking stabs me in the head with a fish or something. A man can dream.

I'm a multicult villain who gives up easily. But... hmm... I think i can provide those services, where do you live?

Aha, the location bar has failed you and i am even now on my way to this "Narnia" to stab the crap out of you with a stereotypical cod.

Chapter 63 - Cloud: retarded! Tifa: left behind! Barret: useless! Cid: new leader!


There is one town we haven't been to yet. I'm sure we'll find Cloud there.



This is Mideel. It is a Hot Spring town.



You heard it from me first, folks. Shove the fuck off, sleazebag.

You can find several new weapons and armors and materia gadgets here. Do talk to the crazy woman running around in each shop. This will make it possible to buy items in Mideel after Weapon destroys it later oh no spoilers. Then again, if buying shit isn't your style feel free to shit your pants. You can also get a curse ring. It can be very useful but it can also be very useless and I don't really need it myself since I am a professional who doesn't need to equip rings. Did you see what I did there, ha ha ha? I am the m4st3r of teh lulz.

Anyways, to find Cloud we just need to head over to the dog here.



Well, that's awfully assumptiousious of you, Tifa. Maybe he was just trying to take a big dump in the middle of the road but then you came over all of a sudden and started to bother him with your bullshit and now he's too fucking nervous to squeeze one out! Goddammit, I can't wait til you leave the group.

Anyhoo, the dog triggers a conversation between two men. Let's listen to what they have to say!



"Pokey-headed" huh? That could be...

Could be anyone.



"Long sword" huh? That really sounds like...

Could be anyone.



"Blue eyes" huh? That REALLY sounds like...



Holy jumping pancakes, a reaction!

Also: "Have you seen a young man with blue eyes around?"



Give the bitch a medal.

So we naturally ask them where the little fucker is and they say...



That's one of the most awkward awkward pauses I have ever seen in a japanese jrpg game (lol did u see what i did thar?!) and it can only mean one thing! Something EXTREMELY good is about to happen!

Tifa storms into the, uh, clinic and demands to know where the fuck Cloud is. This entire particular scene makes it evident that Tifa in no way was spared by the mentally challenged translation team's wrath.









I guess technically it's correct. His condition surely is here. Over here. Eh, fuck it let's go say hello to Cloud.



Hi, Cloud!

Yeah, so he's a vegetable now. It's too early to say if it's an improvement or not.



I congratulate the translation team for the use of the word "protracted".



I also congratulate the translation team for keeping Barret's color commentary simple and easy to understand.



Oh go to hell, Vincent.

So anyway, long story short, the doctor tells everyone to leave Tifa and Cloud alone, the lights get dimmed honest to god and Tifa gets down on her knees and asks...



Using every ounce of willpower, Cloud utters the word "blowjob" and Tifa proceeds to give him the sloppiest, most lovingly droolful suckjob in the history of cocksucking. I'm sure you can find footage of the thing on piratebay or something.

Alright, sorry, it's an emotional moment. No more lame shit like that. I apologize. Let's just read the last of Tifa's tearsome dialog in complete silence.

I came this far believing in the memories we have together. This isn't happening. It's too cruel.



BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH and the screen goes dark. We rejoin Barret and Vincent outside.



Before the quest compass, before the hintbook journal entries, there was Barret Wallace. The man who will repeatedly ask what the fuck is going on, ten seconds after someone else explained what the fuck is going on.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH LOTS OF MAKO POISONING BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

But I'll give him cred for one thing; along with Cid he really is the only one who continously questioned Cloud's mindfuckery, and now that Cloud's been revealed as a tard of the highest degree of tardery...



We can hear you, you know...
Shut up, goth. Talking to myself here!
........
What did he do for the world? What can he do for us here on out? He may be nothing but Sephiroth's shadow....



IS SOMETHING WRONG THE DOCTOR ASKS!



Whatever, Tifa comes out to tell everyone she got an announcement to announce to everyone and that announcement is...



Yup.

I.... want to be by his side...
That's probably for the best.

Barret Wallace: I change my mind about shit all the time.

I'm sorry.
Why you apologizing? We'll come back and check on ya.
Thanks.
Take care of Cloud. *Batman-style cape pose*



Just say your fucking piece, Barry.
Is he really your childhood friend?
I'm sure of it!



So there we have it. We came looking for Cloud and ended up leaving Tifa to watch his mako poisoned ass. Barret, being the man of action and natural leader that he is, immediately takes charge!



And he quickly informs everyone that they're most likely doomed since he have no fucking idea what to do. The crew is in awe, no one dares to answer. Cid is sleeping, cementing his status as bad boy and old man.

Huh. Ain't there nothing we can do? And don't tell us to wait for Cloud to get better.
Okay, I got some news.
Yeah, what? That you a spy?

For the love of fuck, Barret. That was a really long goddamn time ago, as Deceive is quick to point out... Alright, what's the news.

Both gya ha ha and kya ha ha are up to something. Wanna eavesdrop?

That would be Heidegger and Scarlet, and yes I do wanna eavesdrop. Let's see what amazing spy gadgets Reeve have at his disposal!



... is this a joke? He's just standing in the goddamn corner? Alright, fine, whatever. What's the information?

Now then, we're faced with two options. 1, Destroy meteor. 2, tear down the force field and kill Sephiroth. Any ideas?
Gya haah hah hah! We already solved the first problem.
We've been over this. The vaults have been overrun by intelligent molerats. We're still trying to open up diplomatic relations.
Meteor will soon be smashed to bits!
Oh?
The plan has already been put into motion. Namely, to collect Huge Materia from each region.
Well...
Huge Materia is a high density special type of materia made through a special compression process in Mako reactors. The energy extracted from it is 330 times the strength of normal materia!



Sounds like a really shitty plan to be honest. Shit, what IS the plan exactly? I don't think you ever got to that part.
We'll gather all the Huge Materia and ram it into Meteor! That will cause a Huge Explosion and blow Meteor to bits.
Do you think we have the technology for that?
Don't worry about that.

This scene is really boring so I'll just break off here, even though it's almost over anyway. Basically, Shinra have mobilized forces to retrieve the chunks of Huge Materia from around the world. They've already gotten the Nibelheim reactor HM and next on the list is Mount Corel and Fort Condor. Then Heidegger laughs.



And then Barret gets angry.



Yup.

So, blah blah can't let Shinra get the huge materia blah blah blah Barret wanna show Cloud the huge materia to surprise him (seriously, that's what he says) and Deceive tells him that he really do miss Cloud and Barret blushes and tells him to shut the fuck up blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!



Fuck yeah!



Fuck no!

Now, luckily Barret admits that he isn't leader material so I don't have hang myself or anything. Barret now begin warming up for a speech about how he never realized he wasn't much of a leader until he saw Cloud in a wheelchair or something. Luckily, Cid wakes the fuck up.







Thank you. Now maybe we can get some shit done. We got a fucking army to combat!



Oh god, I could write a million fanfictions about you, Cid. And I have. *squeeeeee*

But for us to fight, we gotta have Highwind, and you. We need it to save the Planet. An' who's running this ship? You! That's why you're our new leader. Ain't no one else can.

Barret Wallace: ain't just talkin' about trains!

I have no idea what you just said, but... Hmmm. This ship's gonna save the Planet, huh? Ain't that gonna be just a little tough? Oh man, that went straight to my heart.



You sure are, Cid. You sure are. *sigh*



YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!! LET'S GO KICK METEOR'S ASS!!



Hey, what the fuck is this? I'm the guy in charge here, shithead!
Just telling you to go and get two party members, dammit!
Alright, but you better "#¤%&!! think about how you speak to me from now on.



...fucking hell.


To be continued!

Hahah Cid has the funniest running animation in game.

Heh, I love his running animation. Really laidback and shit.

I must've stabbed the wrong unicorn cause here you are updating... I'm probably getting sued for this, thanks alot.

You know, I always wondered whether or not the party stopped Shinra's huge materia plan just out of spite. Since it's never really explained that it wouldn't work and shit.

Vaarna_Aarne said:

You know, I always wondered whether or not the party stopped Shinra's huge materia plan just out of spite. Since it's never really explained that it wouldn't work and shit.

Click to expand...

We're still playing the role of pseudo-environmentalists, at least when it comes to Fort Condor where Shinra's plans will result in the death of the condor. I imagine it's the same deal with Mt Corel, although in that case it's actually the party's dumbfuck actions that will put the town in grave danger...

None of these stupid fuckers are to root for.

Chapter 64: The Hunt For Eych Emm Eych!






Eyyyy!

How you doing, asswarts? Let's go mess up Shinra's plans for no reason whatsoever! Let's do it!



Fun, useless piece of trivia for ya, this pilot will level up every time you take off. He starts off as a fucking pansy but at level 100 he'll start speaking with a heavy german accent and grow muscles the size of Peter North's semen. What's even cooler is, you'll be able to send him to fight Meteor and Sephiroth and win the game for you! Bet you didn't know that. Well, now you fucking do! I highly advise you take the time to level him up.

Now, if for some reason you don't know where to go, you can just re-enter the ship and Cid will think about some cool locations you oughta visit. Right now, we have to visit Fort Condor and Mt Corel. Both have reactors that are still.... sorta functioning. We'll head over to Corel first.



You can talk to these folks and they'll tell you all sorts of useless info. Fuck these people, let's find some soldiers to beat up.



After beating the fuck out of these soldiers, the following exciting events happen!









Hey, is it just me or does this reactor look kinda cozy?



All the pretty lights and shit?



I bet you could open up a McDonald's restaurant here and noone would give a shit about the reactor.



They'd be all like "woaahh, look at all the pretty lights!"

And I'd be all like "hey look the fucking train!"



Goddammit, Cid. We give you leader privileges and you become just as retarded as the rest of the group. Fucking hell, man! Let's see how Barret and Yuffie reacts to this shit!

You damn boneheads!
What are ya gonna do! Huge Materia!?

Fantastic dialogue. Cid? Your response?

Hey, do you know who I am?

Ye--



Oh, I get it now. Cid is so certain of himself and his badassery that he wanted to give Shinra a headstart! Fuck yeah, Cid! Go get 'em!



Hey, hey... hey? What...? ...Oh, oh shiiii--





Hey, Barret. Why is Cid the one doing the Fat Albert impression? I mean, just out of curiousity?

I'm not that old, muthafucka! I grew up watchin' Richard Pryor!

Cid is two years younger, dude!

Guess he's just sum fuckin' asshole then! Or he's lyin' bout his age or sumthin'...

Hmm...

HEY HEY HEY!!
Man, just how old are you anyway?!



HEY HEY HEY, WE'RE COMING TO GET YA!!
Give it a rest, man.
Alright, alright.



No problem!
Have you ever done something like this before?
Nope.



HEY HEY HEY!!
Shut the fuck up, you old motherfucker! We're gonna die!
Don't worry! I can handle this kinda stuff. I mean, it's only two levers! How hard can it be to control something with only two levers?!
I dunno...
Just calm down and leave everything to uncle Cid, children.
...muthafucka children muthafucka...





MINIGAME TIME!

Instructions: You got two levers, alternate between them to catch up with the train and kick Shinra's ass. You get ten minutes to do this. If you fucking fail at this I will fucking find you and fucking peel off your fucking skin with a fucking tiny frenchfuckman.





Notice how Cid's character model look a hell lot better than Cloud's? Yeah. Think about that for a moment. Or two. You got plenty of time.

Jump from wagon to wagon until you get to the cockpit or whatever it's called. I'm no train expert. Every wagon has enemies you need to beat up but I'm not going to show that shit. Just imagine me pressing "Q" on my keyboard until everything unfriendly on the screen dies.



Wheeeee!!

FACT: Cid's running animation is fucking golden. Has to be seen in action!



HEY HEY HEY!!

Kick this lonely Shinra soldier's ass off the mountain and take control of the train!

Yeah! Get off my train, shithead!
Save it for later, Cid!
We're in deep trouble here!
I know, goddammit! Just shut up and keep quiet! We keep this shit up, we'll crash this fucking thing straight into Corel!
NO! Corel!! Muthafucka shit!! Do something, dammit!





This train stopping minigame is actually one of my favorite parts of the entire game, no joke. Incidently, that should let you know just how much I think the rest of the game sucks. It's an incredibly simple procedure and honest to god, if you have trouble with it... yeah, you know, but this is the type of minigame I like; easy and scripted with a focus on party banter. I don't have patience for anything complicated like riding a fucking snowboard.



What are you doing accelerating?!
Shit! Just watch. This time...

There are three button combinations you have to enter in order to stop the train. These are the combos I've used for every playthrough: up+triangle, down+x & down+x, and yes you have to fiddle around a bit with it before the game notices you.



Oh god fuck NO! Not you too!!
Shit, this stupid thing's just accelerating!

Some people tell me you can use other combinations but those have never worked for me so I'm pretty sure they're full of shit and worthy of a thousand kicks to the head.

Anyway,





Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in them!



Well, Corel. Nice visiting ya!





Oh, of course the train stops.



And we get the first chunk of Huge Materia! Go us!

Yes, the trick was apparently to just keep accelerating until Cid pulled the brake. Ain't that just about the greatest thing ever, huh?



They sure were, you disgustingly filthy miner motherfucker!



Touching moment if you give a shit, I suppose. Barret and the miners exchanges a couple of words about how they're all miners and were born and raised in the town and that they all love each other.



Poetry.

Next, the coal miners spill the beans on how they're going to fuck Meteor up: by digging a huge tunnel and hide in it.





Regret not crashing the train into the town? I sure do.



I'd do a joke about child prostitution here but I just don't give a fuck anymore. This shitty fucking town of cowards and assholes doesn't deserve my A class material. But he hands us a Ultima materia ball, which is very good magic if you care about that sort of thing so whatever.

CHOICE AND CONSEQUENCES! There are three different outcomes for this shitty adventure:

1: Stop the train, get the huge materia and ultima materia. This is the only preferred outcome.

2: Jump onto the train but don't stop it, you don't get the huge materia but you can pay like three million dollars for the ultima materia.

3: Don't jump onto the train. Seriously, fuck you if you manage to do this even for the lulz. I will predator your ass.

After spending the night in the inn, go down the stairs and enter the shack next to the well.



The woman will moan about how she's never getting married now that they're all going to die because of Meteor and hands you Barret's final limit break.

And that's it for Corel! Next on the list, FORT FUCKING CONDOR!!

But first, let's do something I forgot about doing while I was in Mideel; let's rob an old man.









STOP! YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW!

Meh, that one sucks. I apologize.



Fuck yeah!

Alright, wasn't that awesome? Now let's go to Fort Condor.



BLAH BLAH FINAL BATTLE BLAH BLAH DON'T LOSE BLAH BLAH





BLAH BLAH YOU WON BLAH BLAH WE OWE OUR LIVES TO YOU BLAH BLAH











Yes, another shitty fmv. Go outside and...



..laugh your fucking ass off. Holy shit what an abomination!



Just get the Phoenix materia and let it fly away. Hope it get stuck in a Boeing or something!

Go downstairs and get the huge materia from the old man...



...who then proceeds to tell you that they weren't fighting for the reactor, but for the condors... just like he told us back on disc 1. Yeah. Burn in hell, Fort Condor.

So, I guess the third piece must be in the underwater reactor then...
Must be. We gotta get there as soon as possible!
Yeah, but Shinra's probably on high alert since we always mess with 'em. Let's take a break and see how the little kid's doing...
You mean Cloud?
No, I mean that little fucker in Midgar that handed you a remedy way back in, like, update ten or something.
Why would we want to see him?
We wouldn't! We're gonna go see Cloud and Tifa, you morons.
Alright, alright... Shiii--
I'm worried about Tifa. Girl might have collapsed taking care of the little bugger.
Alright.
Let's check in on 'em! To Mideel!

And to Mideel they went! And to Tifa they talked!



WHEN SUDDENLY!



All hell broke lose!


In the next update, coming sometime june 2010 in an alternate universe, Cid and his friends kick Weapon's ass for disturbing the mentally ill while Tifa takes a dive into Cloud's mind! See you then!

WHO WROTE THIS?! I WROTE THIS!? GODDAMMIT I'M GOOD!!

Andyman Messiah said:

WHO WROTE THIS?! I WROTE THIS!? GODDAMMIT I'M GOOD!!

Click to expand...

"LOL, I wonder who wrote this."

"Wait."

"It was me."

"I LLLLLOOOOOOOO-"

Haeey!! Baaeby!!

Chapter 64: I Sverige gillar vi att äta pannkakor!

I förra avsnittet av FUCKING FUCK SEVEN hände följande:





Wow, snacka om att hela helvetets dansbandsklubb har skakat loss! Kom med mig nu när vi går ut och sparkar Vapnets röv! För första gången.

Men först! Låt oss posera lite tufft!



Wow!



Titta på det där! Det där är fanemig nåt jävla Han Solo-grej det där! Låt oss ta en titt till!



Wow!

Okej, nu går vi ut och sparkar stjärt!



Wow!



Det är det sannerligen, Cid! Det är det sannerligen!

Men engelska är svårt. Det är bäst att jag översätter från och med nu!

Vad är det frågan om?!
Inget! Gå in igen, lås dörren och försök att inte blåsa bort!
Okej!









Wow, vilket skrev!



Okej, det här är Vapnet! Han är ett stort Vapen med stort V och är därför oerhört mycket dum i huvudet. Hela konceptet med honom är att han är en robotdinosaurie som kan ändra storlek och bajsa. Bajsar gör han väldigt mycket. Han gillar att bajsa. Men å andra sidan, vem gör inte det? Jag tror alla gillar att bajsa. Det är något mycket tillfredsställande att kunna ta av sig rövfodralet och sätta sig ner och bara släppa taget om allt som oroar en.

Nåja, det här är inte en riktig bossfight, utan snarare en riktig bajsfight. Slå honom ett tag så flyger han snart sin väg, förmodligen för att han blev så jädrans bajsnödig! Det är lite surt att du inte får någonting för besväret men i gengäld bör nämnas att den skada du åverkar honom sitter kvar tills nästa gång du utmanar honom. Så bajsa lugnt, polar'n!



Du sa det, Yuffie!

Och på tal om kalops så är ju det något man blir ganska så skitnödig av. Jag talar av egen erfarenhet. Några av dom allra mest nödiga skitningar som jag har utfört har just haft kalops som sin utgångspunkt. Det ni.

Något som inte är lika tillfredsställande som att skita är när man måste fisa. Märk väl att jag inte alls har något emot att fisa men det är ju ganska onödigt när man lika gärna kan bajsa. Nå, jag har fisit en hel del i mina dar. Jag har sett andra människor fisa. Jag har till och med varit med om en planet som fes en gång! Och nu har jag dokumenterat det till och med! Wow! Häng med!



Jag har alltid tyckt att det har varit något mycket göteborgskt över Barret. Det är ingenting jag kan förklara. Nästa bild, tack.



Cid visar hur tapper han egentligen är. Väldigt få skulle ens komma på tanken att lämna folk att dö bara för att rädda sig själva, men Cid är inte som andra. Han tänker alltid tre tankar före alla andra. Cid Highwind = wow!




WOW: Det här är en korrekt översättning av vad hon faktiskt säger.

Härnäst följer fyra omsorgsfullt skärmdumpade skärmdumpar av den allra bästa filmen i hela spelet.



Ja, det är verkligen vad du tror att det är.



Det är Tifa som rullar iväg med en rullstolsbunden Cloud med planetens sura uppstötningar efter sig.



Mer dramatiskt än så blir det faktiskt aldrig tills du stänger av spelet.



Och nu ramlar dom ner i fismolnen! Osis.

I nästa uppdatering tar vi itu med Clouds undermedvetna, och för allas komfort återgår vi även till engelska. Vi ses då!

The fuck is this shit?

Swedish. The language of fags.

Don't make us kick your ass, Finland.

It's the Babel syndrome. It happens sometimes when ο εγκέφαλος του τυπά που κάνει το ελ-πι αρχίζει να λιώνει απ'την υπερβολική έκθεση σε ακτίνες Φάιναλ Φάντασυ.

΄Ωχ ! το έπαθα και εγώ !

Jag uppskattade den här uppdateringen. Jag uppskattade dess språk. Jag uppskattade dess innehåll.

Fucking foreigners.

Seven.

Haha, du är en sån jäkla idiot ibland.

Seems like being forced to learn the language of evil former colonialist oppressors came to some use at last. I understood 10% of it.

MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR*






* In English

When I invent the time machine I will travel back in time with a big nuclear bomb and make all of Russia explode until they are all dead and then the unfortunate events that happened in 1809 will never have happened and Finland will still belong to Sweden and also this thread will be finished.

It's all a matter of time, folks.