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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

PlanHex

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
2,053
Location
Copenhagen, Denmark
What happened to the character portraits in the last two updates?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Sovy Kurosei said:
I thought the race was called moogles, not mogs.
Says quite clearly that he's a Mog. Maybe he's just a special kind of moogle, I dunno. My theory is that the moogles probably exiled him to that mountain when they learned that he couldn't fly without sucking down a few nuts.

We can probably look into this some more but, honestly, why would we?

FrancoTAU said:
Do you win anything? I spent 5 minutes on it and never touched it again, so I have no clue.
Read the uppity upcoming update. The prize is quite spectacular.

PlanHex said:
What happened to the character portraits in the last two updates?
They're like totally controlling a robot so it's like a phone call, y'know. The portraits will return once the minigame session has ended. Which happens right about NOW!

It's go time!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
All this was created during one drunken session of mIRC. I've used it over 250 times without paying that guy money, btw.

Previously!

Andyman Messiah built a robot Cloud Strife in his basement!
Tifa and buddies used this robot to play minigames at a comfortable distance!
Nanaki almost got legally raped by Yuffie because of a bet!
Then Tifa brought in Al Wright, the 4chan meme known as God!
Al Wright shot Yuffie with a Deus Ex-style dart gun and made her go sleep!
Nighty nighty!
Al Wright/God revealed that Yuffie was/is indeed Bubbles of Pokemon Emerald fame!
I can't remember if anything else happened!
I'm sure nothing else did happen!
But anyway!
Now all hell breaks loose!
When we find out if Mog the Mog on Mt. Mog will be able to fly like a Mog?

26-itsminigames_aHaSuccess.jpg


Yup, he flies.
Looks like a pokemon.
Let's catch him! Maybe he'll evolve into something that doesn't suck.
It's a video game.
So is Pokemon!
Oh. Right. But still!
And so is Final Fantasy!
Yeah, but still!
Guys!
Yeah?
Flying!
Oh right. Sorry.

27-itsminigames_alrightguessthegame.jpg


Goodnight, sweet princess.
What?
I have no idea.
...
Haha, that's right, Yuffie!
Pow!
Give it a rest, Al.
Pow!
Hahaha!!

28-itsminigames_ohwhatthefuck.jpg


Holy fucking shit!
Is that a ribbon?
Yes.
Why does she have a ribbon?
So that everyone knows she have a vagina and isn't afraid to use it!
I have a vagina!
You sure do, Tifa. You sure do.
Hey, I don't know about you, Al. But until she put on a ribbon her sex is like totally undecided.
Haha, it sure is, Nanaki. It sure is.
Is that some catchphrase?
No.
Pow!
Hahaha! Stop shooting that poor girl with tranquelizzie arrows!
Pow!
Hahaha.
I wonder how long she's gonna sleep?
Each arrow adds an hour of sleep.
So how long is she gonna sleep?
I don't know.
Why don't we have any avatars?
Because we're controlling a robot and stuff.
Oh. But...
NEXT PICTURE!

29-itsminigames_waytobesubtlemog.jpg


Whoa, that little guy got really excited!
He sure did, Nanaki. He sure did.
Anyone else listening to Aerosmith right now?
I sure am, Tifa. I sure am.
That's great. What does it have to do with this?
Pow!
Ow, you shot me!
I sure did, Nanaki. I sure did!
But I'm still on my paws?
That wasn't a tranq dart, fella. That was a regular dart.
Holy shit, I'm bleeding!
Take a potion!
Thanks, Tifa!
No problem, Nanaki!
Haha!

30-itsminigames_yeahiguesshedoes.jpg


I thought we already covered that?
Next picture!
No, wait..!!

31-itsminigames_manbeingamooglesuck.jpg


Oh shit, now he's gonna send Joe Pesci after us!
Big fucking deal.
Yeah, come on. Let's help Mog have sex!
You're right.

32-itsminigames_moreinstructions.jpg


How many nuts should we give him this time?
Try three.
Why three?
I'm on Gamefaqs.com right now.
Oh. Alright.

33-itsminigames_threenutslater.jpg


Oh god, the excitement...
Tifa?
I can't watch!
I'll cover your eyes for you.
I'll cover your tits!
You're weird, Nanaki.
Hey, most girls will kill for a furry bra!
You're right. Most girls will.
But you're not a girl? What?
I don't even know where this joke is headed.
Me neither.
Let's just move on.
Alright, Mog! You can do this!

34-itsminigames_yay.jpg


Fuck yeah!

35-itsminigames_nofuckingcomment.jpg


Pff, yeah right!
Hahaha!
She's probably so desperate for some Mog cock that she don't have no time to play Jeopardy.
That's Favorites.
Trivial Pursuit?
What?
Go, Mog! Go!
What?
Hit that!

36-itsminigames_oohthetrainwentinto.jpg


Fuck yeah, sometimes later!
You think this is equal to the movie scenes where they kiss on a train and then the train goes into a tunnel and everything gets dark and stuff?
Yeah, but in this case everything got dark as soon as he put it in.
Hahahaha!!
I don't get it.
Hahahaha!!

37-itsminigames_ohmogyoudog.jpg


Alright, so Mog the Mog have gotten himself a Mog-friend.
They really should have come up with another word.
I think it's kind of cute.
Cute as in the same way you think incest is cute, I guess.
..uhh...
I think Yuffie is waking up.
Pow!
Hahaha!
No sleep for you, Bubbles!
Hahaha!

38-itsminigames_thatmeansshesspecia.jpg


Mag?
So they DID come up with another word.
It's her name. I bet she's a Mog too. Mag the Mog.
Mag the Mog totally sounds like a political satire with Robert DeNiro.
Wag the Dog?
Hahaha.
What?
Did you just call her a dog?
What? No.
You sure 'bout that?
Yes!
Hmm..
What does good-natured means?
Means she'll have sex with anyone that can fly around a treehouse on top of a mountain after eating enough nuts.
It also means she's specialized in speech and barter and stuff and that her combat skills are lowered and...
Huh.
Hold on, I'll go on Fallout-pedia.
Did you just say Fallout-pedo?
No.
You're such a Fallout-pedo!
That doesn't even make a sense.
You're like Bethesda. You rape Fallout in it's crib.
Hahaha!
Okay forget it, I'm not checking Fallout-pedia!
Hahaha!
I don't even think it's called Fallout-pedia.
Hahaha!!
What the hell is going on with Mog and Mag the Mogs of Mt. Mog?
They're still waiting for us to click ok so they can go on their "quiet date".

39-itsminigames_offtheygo.jpg


Awww...
That's cute.
You know he's gonna fuck her brains in, right?

40-itsminigames_heynarratorimgoingt.jpg


You have no sense for kissing on the toes, Al.
Haha, no, I'm afraid I'm afraid of feet.
Really?
Yeah, when I hear lots of tiny feet I just-OHMYMEWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?!!!

41-itsminigames_ITSAFUCKINGINVASION.jpg


IT'S AN INVASION!!!
Oh, looks like they busy.
Man, everything must go real quick when you're a Mog!
THEY EVEN GOT DIFFERENT COLORS AND EVERYTHING!!

42-itsminigames_hahahadumbkid.jpg


KILL THEM!
Now you're just being a little too much like Colin Farrell, Al.
THAT ONE RIGHT THERE! HE TRIPPED AND FELL! KILL HIM!
No. I think we won the game now.
We did?

43-itsminigames_ifearforthefuture.jpg


Whatever worries they may have...
LIKE DEVILISCIOUS OFFSPRING!!!
...is of no concern to us now!

44-itsminigames_FIN.jpg


Oh look, he's waving goodbye!
What does FIN mean?
It probably means Kingston is Mog.
Who's Kingston?
He's a FIN.
What?
Nothing. Bad joke. Sorry.
Well anyway! We're done now so let's get out of here!

45-itsminigames_pleasedontsayanythi.jpg


What, who the fuck are you?

46-itsminigames_imgoingtokillyounow.jpg


Hey, awesome! Monopoly money! We can like use this to buy stuff.
We can?
No.
Alright, alright, alright.
Yes, yes, yes?
We actually don't get anything for playing Mog House?
No. We're lucky that guy was standing over there, looking, watching, observing us and felt generous.
I want to kill something.
We all do, Tifa! We all do! Hey snowboard kid!
Yeah?
POW!
Holy shit, Al!
Hahaha... Bazooka dart!

47-itsminigames_imgoingtokillyounow.jpg


What is ??????????? ?
It's the best weapon in the game!
Really?
No, it's a nut.
That's totally nuts!
Eh, let's get the fuck out.

48-itsminigames_getmeoutofherenow.jpg


Redxiii.jpg
Ah, dancing men in chicken costumes...
tifalockhart.jpg
Yeah, there's nothing better.
Redxiii.jpg
Hey, where's Al?
tifalockhart.jpg
He's carrying Yuffie. He'll be a little late.
Redxiii.jpg
Man, I can't believe Yuffie is Bubbles!
tifalockhart.jpg
Me neither. Hey, do you think this is something Andyman Messiah had planned all along?
Redxiii.jpg
Hahaha, no fucking way. This whole LP is just a whole mess of random bullshit he makes up as it goes along.
tifalockhart.jpg
Really?
Redxiii.jpg
Yup.
tifalockhart.jpg
That's disappointing.
AlWright99.jpg
It's also wrong!
tifalockhart.jpg
Yeah, it is!
AlWright99.jpg
No, I mean Nanaki is wrong! Andyman Messiah is the Grant Morrisson of LPs. Nothing really makes sense in the beginning, but then you get into it a little bit and everything seems to fall into place!
Redxiii.jpg
Really?
AlWright99.jpg
No, I'm just fooling with you.
Redxiii.jpg
Oh.
AlWright99.jpg
No, I'm just fooling with you again!
tifalockhart.jpg
Oh.
AlWright99.jpg
There's a script, you know. Ever since Emerald.
tifalockhart.jpg
Really?
AlWright99.jpg
Oh yes. Final Fantasy 7 is a direct follow-up.
Redxiii.jpg
But what about our adventures?
AlWright99.jpg
Oh, they're in there as well. Don't worry.
tifalockhart.jpg
Uh, so... hm.
Redxiii.jpg
Wow.
tifalockhart.jpg
Yeah. Wow.
AlWright99.jpg
I know it's a lot to take in, but please... bear with it.
yuffie.jpg
Uhh...
AlWright99.jpg
Good morning, Bubbles!
yuffie.jpg
...God?
AlWright99.jpg
I sure am, Bubbles! I sure am.
yuffie.jpg
Can you hit me with a tranq dart again? I'm kinda sleepy.
AlWright99.jpg
No, Bubbles! I cannot! For we must rush to the aid of our companions!
tifalockhart.jpg
Cloud and Aeris? Hey, where are those two fucking morons?
AlWright99.jpg
They are well underneath this very place!!
Redxiii.jpg
What, in the basement?
AlWright99.jpg
No! In the prison!
yuffie.jpg
What prison? What is this shit?
AlWright99.jpg
The prison underneath this very place!!
Redxiii.jpg
Well, how do we get to this prison UNDERNEATH THIS VERY PLACE!!??
AlWright99.jpg
Haha, give me a sec.

*A sec later*

STOPRIGHTTHERECRIMINALSCUM.jpg

STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!

AlWright99.jpg
Ha-HA! Success!
yuffie.jpg
What the fuck did you do, God?!
AlWright99.jpg
Ha-HA! Trade secret.


To be continued!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
A'ight, we'll wrap this crap chapter up on thursday, but for now have a crap recap and chill out, oh yeah!
_______________


Our heroes arrived at the peaceful tanning créme resort Costa del Sol!

730_alright-welcometocostadelsol.jpg


They received directions from a hot girl in a bikini!

746_sincewemessedaroundweskippedthe.jpg


And immediately left afterwards!

747_yeah.jpg


They marvelled at the beauty of mako pollution.

748_doesntthislookabsolutelygorgeou.jpg


They walked on one of the most death defying-est rollercoasters ever!

751_lookrollercoaster.jpg


Redxiii.jpg
Don't say anything, but it would seem that we're currently walking on a rollercoaster.

And they fell down!

Redxiii.jpg
We did?

Yes, and not just once!

753_minigames.jpg


Not just twice!

753_minigames.jpg


But threece!

Redxiii.jpg
That would be thrice.

Threece times they fell down from the rollercoaster! And every time they managed to climb right back up again!

753_minigames.jpg


They let bridges down!

754_thenletsletthebridgedown-nanaki.jpg


They took the damn treasure!

762_thetreasureisnotreasure.jpg


They experienced the South first-hand!

765_ohmy.jpg


And they were forced into submission!

769_ZING.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Well, Barret was, at least.
aeris_portrait.jpg
Cloud!
cloudstrife.jpg
Just saying.

They struck up a conversation with a mineworker about tattoos and learned so much more!

772_tattoos.jpg


We learned of Barret's achy breaky heart and the childhood friend he thought lost.

780_maybeyoullseehimagain.jpg


Then we went to an amusement park!

783_WELCOMETOTHEGOLDSAUCER_3.jpg


And Barret became angry!

785_barrethasapoint.jpg


But that didn't stop Cloud and Aeris from befriending a fortunetelling cat riding a moogle robot!

803_ohhellnoyourenot.jpg


Meanwhile Tifa yelled "whore" at Aeris and controlled a Cloud Strife-robot together with Yuffie, Nanaki and God (of Pokemon Emerald-fame) to do half-assed telephone type commentary for the minigames!

24-itsminigames_ohlookwhatigotforyo.jpg


And so far the Pesci/Lee/Putin supergroup was nowhere to be seen!

bruce_lee2.jpg


Maybe it's the authority person running around in a banana hamock that scares them away? Who knows?

All I know for sure is... thursday, I'll raid my parents wine cellar!
*I promise I'll be really intoxicated.

Everything will be revealed - Nothing will be answered
Let's Play Final Fantasy VII
Star power... activated!


Honestly, I don't think anyone reads this crap anyway.

Oh and btw, it's much easier to get good pics of Bruce Lee than of John McCain. Yeah, rub an icecube around your nipple and sue me.

Thursday, bitches. Thursday.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
I'd be interested to hear what you think that strange contraption on Putins hand is. It started off as a gun, then I decided to make a cock out of it and now it looks like he's a vacuum cleaner or something, I dunno. It's not like I fucked up. Really, it's not. The damn picture didn't come with any hands attached and I wanted that sitting down picture so bad, but it'd look ridiculous if he didn't have any hands. Meh.
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
I honestly didn't think nothing of it till you pointed it out. Mega Man arm cannon? Shit, I don't know. I was more interested in that weird voodoo aura coming from Bruce Lee. Did Pesci and Putin hire some Hatians to bring him back from the dead to enslave the Gold Saucer?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Fat Dragon said:
I was more interested in that weird voodoo aura coming from Bruce Lee. Did Pesci and Putin hire some Hatians to bring him back from the dead to enslave the Gold Saucer?
I don't actually know what I was going for with that, but I'm so going to scrap thursday's update now.

edit: Jesus, imagine having Megaman cleaning your house.
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
Just look at Putin's smug douchebag sneer and Pesci's ecstatic grin. They've resurrected the mighty unbeatable god-tank Bruce Lee, and now nothing shall stand in their way while they go about conquering the grand casino Gold Saucer.

Nobody can stop them. Not even Dio.
Not. Even. Dio.

*EDIT*
Btw, is it true that Bruce Lee could knock the ever-living shit out of people just by punching them from a 1 inch distance? That's pretty badass.
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Fat Dragon said:
Btw, is it true that Bruce Lee could knock the ever-living shit out of people just by punching them from a 1 inch distance? That's pretty badass.
Yes. And he isn't the only one who can do that.

Also, the funnier thing is that in real life Chuck Norris would indeed have kicked Bruce Lee's ass.
 

FrancoTAU

Cipher
Joined
Oct 21, 2005
Messages
2,507
Location
Brooklyn, NY
And Fedor Emelianenko would destroy both of them at the same time.

Are we done with the minigames? I do have to say, it sounded a lot better in theory about the potential lulz. It's actually so dull that I don't think you're going to get anything outside of the batshit crazy Mog House.
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
FrancoTAU said:
And Fedor Emelianenko would destroy both of them at the same time.
The man who knows how to grapple as well as strike wins.


BTW, anyone else having this weird issue with hearing Putin instead of Bond in the new 007 trailer?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
FrancoTAU said:
And Fedor Emelianenko would destroy both of them at the same time.

Are we done with the minigames? I do have to say, it sounded a lot better in theory about the potential lulz. It's actually so dull that I don't think you're going to get anything outside of the batshit crazy Mog House.
We still have chocobo racing, but at least we'll be doing that one for a reason.
Getting the fuck out of prison.
 

Radisshu

Prophet
Joined
Jul 16, 2007
Messages
5,623
Andyman Messiah said:
Sovy Kurosei said:
I thought the race was called moogles, not mogs.
Says quite clearly that he's a Mog. Maybe he's just a special kind of moogle, I dunno. My theory is that the moogles probably exiled him to that mountain when they learned that he couldn't fly without sucking down a few nuts.

They're called mogs in FF games, and moogles in Secret of Mana.

Yes, I know these things.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Radisshu said:
Andyman Messiah said:
Sovy Kurosei said:
I thought the race was called moogles, not mogs.
Says quite clearly that he's a Mog. Maybe he's just a special kind of moogle, I dunno. My theory is that the moogles probably exiled him to that mountain when they learned that he couldn't fly without sucking down a few nuts.

They're called mogs in FF games, and moogles in Secret of Mana.

Yes, I know these things.
You're weird, Radisshu.

Thanks.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
According to http://www.ffcompendium.com/h/species/moogle.shtml they are Moogles, also known as Mogs or Moglis. I have never seen them referred to as "Moglis". I thought that was some wolf boy.

After chocobos, the second mainstay of the FF world are moogles. [...] In Japan, they are called Mogli. For FF6, the name was translated as Moogle, but in FF7 and FF8, they were called Mogs.
The sad part about this is the fact that I actually felt compelled to look it up.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
I stopped fighting Mareus a long time ago, went to bed and sent both my lithuanian hitman and my girlfriend after him.

Update is on the way. Give me five hours, give or take.
 

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