Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Well, we ARE going for the most sexually confused Cloud here...

Funniest LP I've ever read, keep it up.

Whatever it takes, just get more of badly translated flower girl while she lasts before the epic battle of girth versus length takes place. And the totally meterosexual scarlet pimpernel vampire as well. And more of the glaringly obvious plot or gameworld contradictions if at all possible.

And thanks for doing this....I remembered this game was pretty damn bad....but not this bad.

I think people remember this game as a lot better than it was as for many it was an early introduction into the genre or they were much younger when they played it.

I still enjoy it although I do find it amusing that I remember the finer details of certain gameplay aspects less than the people who supposedly don't.

Overall I think VII get's a lot of undeserved hate so much so that crapping on it has become dull as much as gushing over Halo/Gears of War.

I don't really see what's so bad:

1. Graphics: In a lot of the belated reviews you see it come up but really it's an old ass game. Having played the PC version and seeing the high-res background maps there's a lot of decent eye candy there. I have no problem visualizing the Popeye 3D characters as what they're "suppose" to look like any more than a 2D sprite.

2. Story/Setting: Modern-ish world is a plus for me. Also at the time the main character actually being a screw up and a loser not really different from the clones as opposed to being the Chosen One was pretty neat and more memorable to me than the killing of Aeris. The bad guy technically already being dead with just his "shade" running around was a nice touch too. It's fairly consistent IMO with even minor stuff like the cross dressing scene with Cloud pretending to be a woman tying into the bitch/butch relationship with Sephiroth. And each character gets a decent amount of air time including the secret characters (Yuffie has her own town and Vincent some scenes rewarding exploration) which is rare in any game.

3. Gameplay: As long you don't powerlevel it's not too easy. There are some choices you got to make when shuffling around with some armor and weapons depending upon what characters you want to use and how Magicky you want to make them.


A lot of boils down to one's tolerance of cheese and the type of cheese I suppose. Personally I don't really see anything else in gaming that isn't mired in it in one form or another.

Edit: "story" not "stoy"

afewhours said:

MOAR.

Locue said:

It's actually the battles that keeps me going. Sure they suck but they sure beat whatever happens whenever the characters starts talking.

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Yeah, I actually find random battles quite therapeutic, even when they're as simple as FFVII's. God knows why. I would sit there playing SMT:DDS and get awfully fidgety whenever the cutscenes started. I just wanted to get back to levelling my DA3M0NZ.

It's odd. The grinding annoys the hell out of me in MMO land, but in classic dungeon crawlers, I could do it for hours.

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I totally know what you mean, I guess I just have different tastes. It's probably due to the fact that I've played through or a well into _most_ of the RPGs for the PS1 and PS2, so cookie-cutter battle systems just make me want to put my head through the television.

Star Ocean 2, I remember killing stuff just for the fun of it, and levels were plentiful enough that it never felt like I was getting nothing out of it. Of course, I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite, as I couldn't stand the fights in Shadow Hearts, and thought they were a bit too unforgiving. At the same time, I love how much Nocturne will hand your ass to you without thinking twice about it.

Same with PC crawlers like Wiz VII and VIII, Wizards and Worriers, etc. etc.

I also think it's rather hilarious how much better this game looks piped through an emulator than it does on a PC, even after all the patches are applied.

SanguinePenguin said:

I still enjoy it although I do find it amusing that I remember the finer details of certain gameplay aspects less than the people who supposedly don't.

Overall I think VII get's a lot of undeserved hate so much so that crapping on it has become dull as much as gushing over Halo/Gears of War.

(...)

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I think much of the derision is as inappropriate for the game as the endless praise is. I don't claim it's terrible, but there really were better console RPGs out there, even at the time. You just had to look a bit harder for them.

Persona 2 had a modern setting, and very well written dialogue, and I think a more mature tone to it. It's just a ridiculously tiny fraction of the people that have played the FF games have touched it. And many that did probably gave up immediately due to the perceived difficulty.

ecliptic said:

At the same time, I love how much Nocturne will hand your ass to you without thinking twice about it.

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Absolutely. Lucifer's Call/Nocturne is possibly my favourite JRPG evah. The combat's a welcome change of pace from the usual attack-heal spamming of most JRPGs.

Yeah , nocturne, I'll have to finish it someday... SMT1 was better though.

Anyway , keep it up Locue, great LP ^^
And now we're coming to the most interesting and fun part of the prologue...

ghostdog said:

Yeah , nocturne, I'll have to finish it someday... SMT1 was better though.

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I still need to finish it too..

Also, unrelated, I can't believe how much people are paying for that game and the strategy guide on Ebay. Nuts.

Fez said:

I think people remember this game as a lot better than it was as for many it was an early introduction into the genre or they were much younger when they played it.

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Absolutely a mix of the two. FF7 was the first FF I played and, hey, I found it to be very good and very interesting. It mixed this weird art with a cool sci-fi story and it had battles that were like "cinematic Fallout battles" as I liked calling them, no joke. As far as introducing a genre of RPGs to the west, FF7 was a great success and I would've never gotten around to play other jRPG-series so early if I hadn't played FF7, like Suikoden who proved to be even better!

But of course, everything was so much more better when you were young. Go figure.

SanguinePenguin said:

1. Graphics: In a lot of the belated reviews you see it come up but really it's an old ass game. Having played the PC version and seeing the high-res background maps there's a lot of decent eye candy there. I have no problem visualizing the Popeye 3D characters as what they're "suppose" to look like any more than a 2D sprite.

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I liked the backgrounds but the lego-bricks style characters really turned me off and some of the backgrounds tend to reflect this. The scene with Aeris and Cloud on the church roof looks really Tom Thumby, for example. I managed to ignore my graphics whoring self to finish the game but I know that I would have had an easier time doing it if the characters had looked as good as the backgrounds. Hell, they went from lego to tall, lanky anatomy with FF7 and FF8. To me, that's a great leap with, what, only two years between them? They could have done better.

Incidently, for people who have the PC version - damn terrorists, there's an excellent mod that replaces the player character models with how they look like in the battles, and if nothing else it definitely proves I wasn't alone in my criticism. I think it's called Reunion Patch or something. It's very neat.

2. Story/Setting: Modern-ish world is a plus for me. Also at the time the main character actually being a screw up and a loser not really different from the clones as opposed to being the Chosen One was pretty neat and more memorable to me than the killing of Aeris. The bad guy technically already being dead with just his "shade" running around was a nice touch too. It's fairly consistent IMO with even minor stuff like the cross dressing scene with Cloud pretending to be a woman tying into the bitch/butch relationship with Sephiroth. And each character gets a decent amount of air time including the secret characters (Yuffie has her own town and Vincent some scenes rewarding exploration) which is rare in any game.

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No arguments here. I fully agree.

3. Gameplay: As long you don't powerlevel it's not too easy. There are some choices you got to make when shuffling around with some armor and weapons depending upon what characters you want to use and how Magicky you want to make them.

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Meh, I don't powerlevel. I'm still using Cloud's braver attack for christs sake (you only get new limit breaks for killing a certain number of enemies and using your existing limit breaks a number of times) and weapons/armor tends to only become better as your progress through the game. The first really bad-yet good armor we're going to find is in the Shinra HQ, the Four Slots. The defence on it sucks but it has more materia slots (four, obviously) making it a valuable magic users armor if you don't mind doing a little protecting.

As for the combat... well, I still find it easy but I guess I'm biased having played a lot of these type of games. Timing tends to work very well and as much flak the materia system gets for being a complete bastard, it's not difficult to use it and use it good. Pair up lightning bolt with an all materia in the beginning and watch your enemies fly up into the sky like little red pieces. If they don't, send in the rest of your characters with regular attacks to clean up.


And the Persona-games are freaking wonderful games. Anyone who's into RPGs, and not just jRPGs, should give them a try.

Locue said:

And the Persona-games are freaking wonderful games. Anyone who's into RPGs, and not just jRPGs, should give them a try.

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That's the first recommendation of Persona I've read on the Codex. Now I feel better about being a massive animefag and checking them out. Cheers. I'll happily take any recommendation from an SF avatar as long as it doesn't involve turning 'round and bending over.

Okay, maybe other people have mentioned Persona in a different sentence from "fucking JRPG bullshit" but I haven't read the entire Codex yet.

Locue said:

As far as introducing a genre of RPGs to the west, FF7 was a great success and I would've never gotten around to play other jRPG-series so early if I hadn't played FF7, like Suikoden who proved to be even better!

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I got on the JRPG boat a little earlier. It was FFVI that got me into the genre. FFVII seemed a little underwhelming by comparison, but you can't underestimate its importance, for better or worse.

Locue said:

But of course, everything was so much more better when you were young. Go figure.

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Ja, that's why I try to look at everything with young eyes. It makes me very easy to please, but it keeps me happy.

Locue said:

As for the combat... well, I still find it easy but I guess I'm biased having played a lot of these type of games. Timing tends to work very well

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I actually hate ATB with a vengeance. It's fine when you're fighting easy mobs. (eg. for the whole of FFVII) but for big encounters that actually require some planning it's the most frustrating thang evah. My reflexes are fast enough - I yam t3h uber fighting game mastah - but I'm a control freak, and ATB puts a dent in my planning. I was happy when pure TB made a reappearance in FFX, but FFX was fucking horrible, so, meh.

afewhours said:

Locue said:

And the Persona-games are freaking wonderful games. Anyone who's into RPGs, and not just jRPGs, should give them a try.

Click to expand...

That's the first recommendation of Persona I've read on the Codex. Now I feel better about being a massive animefag and checking them out. Cheers. I'll happily take any recommendation from an SF avatar as long as it doesn't involve turning 'round and bending over.

Okay, maybe other people have mentioned Persona in a different sentence from "fucking JRPG bullshit" but I haven't read the entire Codex yet.

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Well, I'm not a real codexer. I came here in 2003, became a registered user in 2004 and stuck around because I thought the people were really funny and I could see myself grow old with them. Of course, people come and go but it's still fun. Although maybe not as intelligent!

Locue said:

As far as introducing a genre of RPGs to the west, FF7 was a great success and I would've never gotten around to play other jRPG-series so early if I hadn't played FF7, like Suikoden who proved to be even better!

Click to expand...

I got on the JRPG boat a little earlier. It was FFVI that got me into the genre. FFVII seemed a little underwhelming by comparison, but you can't underestimate its importance, for better or worse.

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Yeah, the latter games in the series proved to be even better once I, eh, legally obtained them over the Internet, and to this day it's FF1 and 6 that really makes up my FF-love. 6 was great and 1 was awesome and had more in common with western dungeon crawlers and proved to be appealing as hell but they never succeeded in copying that formula again, did they.

Locue said:

As for the combat... well, I still find it easy but I guess I'm biased having played a lot of these type of games. Timing tends to work very well

Click to expand...

I actually hate ATB with a vengeance. It's fine when you're fighting easy mobs. (eg. for the whole of FFVII) but for big encounters that actually require some planning it's the most frustrating thang evah. My reflexes are fast enough - I yam t3h uber fighting game mastah - but I'm a control freak, and ATB puts a dent in my planning. I was happy when pure TB made a reappearance in FFX, but FFX was fucking horrible, so, meh.

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Heh, I'm the exact opposite. My reflexes are utter shit and I tend to mess up the timing a lot and get hit. Not enough to get my ass handed to me but...y'know. But I like this because it gives the battles a sense of urgency even it its an illusion type thing and you can just as easily get through the battles alive and well with taking a few hits.

I was going down a rail of thought (with my train) about how Sephiroth was actually a Space Marine. He has superhuman enhancements, he uses close combat weapons in a technologically advanced setting, he has implanted his geneseed into followers, his progenitor is in a strange state of half-life, has an angelic wing like Sanguinius, he makes everyone his bitch...

...but then I saw his shoulderpads were barely existent. No way he could be a Space Marine.

He is, however, yifftastic:

DAMN YOU KINGCOMRADE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

That pic is awesome and I want it. Hanging on my wall. Framed.

And so it begins...

Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy VII - the home for the educated and intellectual elite here on the Codex! I'm your host, that fucking guy. Now let's get it on, we have a fucking girlfriend to save!



Well, this is Wall Market. It's the first big town in the game and there's quite a lot to do here; mostly related to dressing up as a woman - something I have done many, many times. And let me tell ya, I looked absolutely smashing as a woman. Even more smashing than the women around me, which explains why they didn't want to talk to me for a year. Women are extremely insecure about their appearances, see, so when they see a man dress up as a member of their sex - and prove to be an absolutely stunning piece of ass to boot - they get jealous. This is how women operates. They get jealous. Jealousy is how women have survived over the years and we all know there's nothing men can do to fight this. Jealous women can kill the whole world with their minds, and I even considered sleeping with a gun under my pillow but it kept cocking at me and so it just made me even more afraid! I tried sleeping with my cat, Santana, but all cats have sworn allegiance to females so he tried to kill me by digging his fucking claws into my stomach! I COULD HAVE USED SOME MOTHERLY LOVE BUT MY OWN MOTHER WAS WAY TOO BUSY PLOTTING AND SCHEMING DIFFERENT WAYS TO KILL ME WITH POISONOUS CAKE! I WAS FUCKED UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR!

And all I did was dress up as a hot woman, so don't do it. It's not worth it.

Also, it's kinda gay.

Anyway...



Just as I tried to explain here on the picture, the structure with the item-sign isn't the actual item shop. It might look like the item shop. It even has a fucking sign to say it is the item shop. But no, it's not the item shop. It leads to a room where a machine gun turret tries to make you into swiss cheese if you mess around with the computer! No, the item shop is actually located behind the mad machine gun turret structure, inside the structure with a kid playing with a big robot mouse cat like thing outside. You'll be happy to know that you won't have to go there more than once.



Right-o! Let's go check out the town. Like many of these micro machines styled towns, it's not too terribly large. In the first screen you have one item ship, which you don't have to visit, an inn with a bouncer motherfucker telling you all the time anytime you get too close to him to go in and have a good sleep, which you don't have to visit and a materia shop way up in the right corner, which you don't have to visit. But as we're going to enrage Tifa's womanly juices - we're going to anyway! Because life is hard and I don't see any reason why it should be any different for Cloud.

Now you wait a goddamn fucking second! You have no idea what I...!

Too late, crybaby!

To the east of this first area, we have the first of two areas where being a woman might actually be a problem in this town. And even then... meh. It's the brothel or, since this is the PG13-game of 1997 - a burlesque house filled with gay men in shorts and pretty girls dressed up as bees. You'll be happy to know that unless you're actually searching, you won't find a brothel/burlesque house filled with gay men and pretty girls dressed up as bees. Because that's too fucked up to be advertised about in the open. Even in Amsterdam and you all know how those fuckers are! Fucking Amsterdammers!



A place where even codexers can get laid, although by gay men in shorts and pretty girls dressed up as... yeah, you know what let's just move on.

Asking that big fat fuck about Tifa, we learn that she was taken as a bride-to-be for the local blonde mohawk-sporting godfather fuck so let's head over to his mansion. It's just to the north of the first town screen. Ignore the fucking stores. We'll get to them eventually, you ADD-assholes.



Excellent plan, Aeris. You're a pretty girl so you'll be able to get in here and blast open that fucking door with a fireball and then we can raid the place, grab Tifa and get the fuck outta there!



But Cloud immediately puts a stop to that, because we all know magic doesn't work as a plot device. And he really want to enter the mansion too!

Cloud has just proven to me, to you, to the guard, to Aeris and to every fucking moron on this planet who could read those white symbols on the blue ass background, that he in fact isn't a fucking man. He's not a man, he's not a woman, he's not a dick, he's a goddamn pussy and everyone who's seen Team America knows where that joke goes. The rest of you fucks look it up.

Anyway, Aeris comes up with a brilliant plan.



WHAT!?
Yeah, you put on a cute dress, some make-up, a necklace big enough to hide that adam's apple, a pillow down your pants to help pass off that bulge as pregnancy. Some guys prefer girls like that, y'know. Pregnant.
WHAT!?
Oh, it'll be perfect!





WHAT!?
So I suppose we have to find a dressmaker. We're in luck, because there's one right here in this town. Let's head over there right now.
WHAT!?
Oh come on, you big crybaby.



Yes, make a dress for her! I think I'll go as an obvious trap, thank you very much.
Cloud, shut up.



Alright, I smell a quest! And all of a sudden we're in the local bar and...



Now, damn it!
Cloud, shut up. Turn around and play with yourself for a while.
Okay.



WHAT!?
I SAID PLAY WITH YOURSELF!



Alright, here's a choice that matters. What we want is the dress that'll make Cloud into the most fuckable woman a weird blonde mohawk-sporting faggot godfather have ever seen. So we want something that's soft and shimmering. This will give us the ULTIMATE SILK DRESS. Try not to stretch so much, Cloud.

Also, we helped reuniting a father with his daughter.

That's not enough!

Go fuck yourself.

Alright, so we have a kickass dress! Let's put it on!



WHAT!?

Yes, we clearly need a wig to cover that haircut up. To find a wig, we clearly need to...



Yup! To the gym!

This is incredibly stupid.

Get a move on!

In the gym we find the ULTIMATE BLONDE WIG MASTER holding the ULTIMATE BLONDE WIG!



To get it, we must engage in a little minigame.



And just because this game is for morons...



Press these buttons in order and win.



Aaaand, you get the ULTIMATE BLONDE WIG!

Are we done now?

No, since you smell kind of bad we should go find some perfume!
Cologne, you mean?
Oh right, yes, it's called cologne because he's a man.



I HATE YOU ALL!



Alright, to find cologne we need to find cologne! Let's head back to the bar and invade people's personal space.



We find this junkie on the toilet, asking for some medicine. Let's go find some, but first let's get something to eat. There's a nice korean place in the first area so let's go there. I'm sure they got cheeseburger on the menu too.



Alright, let's see what we can get here:



The Special sounds intriguing. Let's have that. After you're all done and finished, tell the nice people it was alright and voila, you get a coupon!



Let's spend it on something! Head on over to the item shop and get yourself a Digestive.



Here in Heavan, that's a cracker of some kind that you put in your mouth and chew but I don't know. Let's bring that over to the junkie.



And we get the ULTIMATE SEXY COLOGNE!

NOW ARE WE DONE!?
No, Cloud, you need a tiara.
I NEED A WHAT?!
Yes, Cloud, you definitely need a tiara.
DAMN YOU, COLIN!

Colin says we need a tiara so let's go find one. I heard a rumor that the materia shop guy have one.



He send us out on another quest. All we need to do is go sleep at the inn...

Ten bucks!?



And buy something from the vending machine.



Twohundred bucks!? Hell, I'll just get the one for fifty.
No, you won't.
Alright, Colin, but that motherfucker better pay me back!

And we bring it back...



And so we got the BEST ULTIMATE TIARA!

ARE WE FUCKING DONE NOW?
No, now we have experience a mindfuck session and have you put on some makeup.
WHAT!?
Now, now, Cloud. We find those items at the brothel!
Brothel, yay!

In order to get inside the brothel, we need a membership card. Luckily there's a guy handing them out just outside.



We're set! Brothel, here we come!
(Have you told him about the gay men and the bee girls?)
(Nope.)
(You're so bad, Colin!) :D
(I know.)



It sure is! Aeris is going to have to stay outside with all the other codexers while Cloud goes in for a good time, a mindfuck session and some makeup.


Alright, there are some stuff you can do here that I'm not showing because it's not very screenshot-friendly. You can peek in on what goes on inside the other rooms. It's explicit boredom so don't waste your time. Instead, just find an empty room and move on.



A censored four-letter word? Fuck? The Fuck Room? That sounds awesome, let's go!



Dim the lights... yeah, that's ni--WHAT THE FUCK?



MINDFUCK!



Yes, what the fuck are you doing here?



FACT: This is how Cloud will look with makeup.



Oh shit!





Oh fuck, he's dead! Colin! Get in here! Colin? Where's that goddamn little leprechaun fuck?

Do you know your eyes look just like space crystals, Aeris?
Oh, you say such beautiful things, Colin...

COLIN! GET! YOUR ASS! IN HERE! NOW!

*sigh* Alright, babe, duty calls.
Oh Colin, you're so brave.



What are you saying?
It's started moving.
What has?



Oh no...



Not the... no...



Not my...



Hey, that felt kinda nice, actually. Real relaxing... Oh hey, looks like light's coming back. Cool...



...



Well, it could have been worse.

For this little adventure, we receive the ULTIMATE SEXY LINGERIE!

WHAT THE FUCK I JUST GOT SHAT ON FOR THIS?!
Oh, you're going to look fantastic.
GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE, COLIN!
My pleasure.

Alright, now we only have to find some makeup. Lucky for us they have plenty of that in the dressing room. The only problem is that we don't know how to put it on so let's get some bee bitches to help us out with that.



ALRIGHT ALRIGHT WE'RE FUCKING DONE WE'RE FUCKING FINALLY DONE!



I DON'T LIKE THIS!



I DON'T CARE!



FUCK YOU, AERIS! FUCK YOU, COLIN! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE AS SOON AS I CAN!
Whatever, pretty boy.



This game is either filled with gay men or very ugly women. I prefer the first option. I have no idea why so many heterosexual men dislike homosexual men. I mean, fuck it just means less competition! It's the heterosexual women who should be complaining.

FACT: We all know there are no heterosexual women because women are sexual fiends who cannot settle to have sex with just one sex! Also: sex!



So that's exactly what we're going to do. Jeez, they really hand out directions all the time in this game. We find Tifa deep, deep in the torture dungeon. What's she doing there? No idea, she's not naked so I suppose she's just chilling. What better place to chill than in the local torture chamber? Anyway, she asks the most intelligent question in the game. Take it away, Tiffy!



It's part of his new identity.
Fuck you, Colin.


Why didn't you just kill people? There are only five guards here, you know.
Oh, I wanted to but the plot didn't allow it.
Oh, that plot is such an asshole.
Why are you here, Tifa?
Well...
Make it quick, we only have time for a short story.
Who are you?
I'm Aeris. I'm the Whitney Houston to Cloud's Kevin Costner.
He's your bodyguard?
Yes.
Right.
Alright, story. Why are you here, Tifa?
Well, Barret heard a rumor that there was a blonde mohawk-sporting crime boss here that had ties to Shinra and I wanted to investigate.
Brilliant move.
That's what Barret said.
I'm sure it was. Why isn't he here?
The plot.
Oh, that asshole.
But now I'm here. And you know what happens here, don't you?
I have my guesses.



No, I don't.
Well, he... they... y'know...
He fucks her.
Colin!
What? Someone's gotta say it, baby.
Oh, you're so bad, Colin.
Yeah baby.
Wait... three girls?



It's me, is it?
'Fraid so, chief. Just keep your cheeks closed, man.
He's actually kind of...
Oh. Well, I'm outta here, then! Ain't gonna be in no buttfucker's head!
I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT IN THE ASS!

And all of a sudden, the door opened and the guard screamed at the gang: hey, get in her, bitches! And Cloud tightened his butt cheeks and his grip on the sword which he had hidden under the wig.

Let's meet our destiny!



Jesus fucking Christ...

a: on a pogo stick!
b: I'm going to kill someone!
c: !!! (Jesus fucking Christ is an enough-sounding expletive but it needs more !!!!)



Alright, it's been good knowing you, man. I guess I have to go find someone else who can help me save the world.
I said I wasn't going to take it in the ass!
Sure, chief, sure.



You rapist, you!

Oh well.



Go on, Cloud-i! Give him a kiss.



What are you saying, Cloud-i?



Alright, folks. This is it. There's no turning back now. This is a plus five for Barret which makes him the definite date option.



That damn Barret Wallace sure gets around.

Alright, enough of this shit.



The most disturbing part is actually not that we dressed up as a girl to trick him, but how goddamn easy it was. Put on a silk dress, a fucking wig, a tiara, get some cologne and lingerie and makeup and voi-fucking-la you can trick anyone! Surprise your dad!

Alright, now we're calling the shots!



After a few empty threats about chopping, smashing and licking his balls, I don't remember exactly, he spills it all.



All I can think of for witty commentary is "no fucking way!?" Seriously.



Yes, remember that speech Jessie told us? It all comes back. Shinra is going to make a big Sector 7 pancake. We have to stop them! This is urgent! Let's listen some more.



PING! Who the fuck says PING!?



BAMMM! Who the fuck, ah let's just get out of here.

But first...



Ooooh, question!



Mickey Mouse is pointing to the correct answer.



FACT: No one ever checks the goddamn rugs for traps anymore.



Case in point.


Alright, update done! In the next update: sewers, trainz and pancakes.

Locue said:

Well, this is Wall Market. It's the first big town in the game <snip> COULD HAVE USED SOME MOTHERLY LOVE BUT MY OWN MOTHER WAS WAY TOO BUSY PLOTTING AND SCHEMING DIFFERENT WAYS TO KILL ME WITH POISONOUS CAKE! I WAS FUCKED UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR!

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Are you drunk again, Locue? Not that I'm complaining, it makes for some quality entertainment.

Oh if only all RPGs were like this. In my ideal world, all RPGs would revolve around cross-dressing, homosexuality, and surreal trysts in brightly coloured whorehouses. Add in the Mindfuckery and OH GOD ITS HEAVAN.

If only Square had kept up this level of silliness for the entire game... actually no, that might have started to hurt my brain after a while. Besides, I have Earthbound for that.

MOAR FINAL FANTASY

I feel kinda sorry for you. I guess the area after this is a massive downer, aye? We won't see this level of amusing faggotry until the inexplicable psychadelic Gold Saucer malarky. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts. Just know you have the 20 hour-long expository cutscene when you escape from Midgar to look forward to. Fnar, fnar, fnar!

This part is pretty bizarre. It's even worse if you encounter the bodybuilders and take a bath with them, though, but then you can't meet don Corneo.

...

Who, by the way, is the only person that Cloud kisses, in the entire game.

EDIT: BTW, to those who haven't played the game: one of the brothel rooms contains President Shinra engaged in some weird fetish larping act.

Radisshu said:

Who, by the way, is the only person that Cloud kisses, in the entire game.

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You can get a peck from the Yuffster as well.

Radisshu said:

EDIT: BTW, to those who haven't played the game: one of the brothel rooms contains President Shinra engaged in some weird fetish larping act.

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Dammit. I'm actually wanting to play this game again now. NO! I MUST RESIST YOU BASTARDS. GAH!

afewhours said:

Locue said:

Well, this is Wall Market. It's the first big town in the game <snip> COULD HAVE USED SOME MOTHERLY LOVE BUT MY OWN MOTHER WAS WAY TOO BUSY PLOTTING AND SCHEMING DIFFERENT WAYS TO KILL ME WITH POISONOUS CAKE! I WAS FUCKED UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR!

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Are you drunk again, Locue? Not that I'm complaining, it makes for some quality entertainment.

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Thanks for not complaining because that gives me more reasons to get drunk and write shit.

Oh if only all RPGs were like this. In my ideal world, all RPGs would revolve around cross-dressing, homosexuality, and surreal trysts in brightly coloured whorehouses. Add in the Mindfuckery and OH GOD ITS HEAVAN.

If only Square had kept up this level of silliness for the entire game... actually no, that might have started to hurt my brain after a while. Besides, I have Earthbound for that.

MOAR FINAL FANTASY

I feel kinda sorry for you. I guess the area after this is a massive downer, aye? We won't see this level of amusing faggotry until the inexplicable psychadelic Gold Saucer malarky. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts. Just know you have the 20 hour-long expository cutscene when you escape from Midgar to look forward to. Fnar, fnar, fnar!

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Yeah, this is pretty much as good as it gets until we get to... shit, I don't remember, the Gold Saucer? Then we get more boredom. Then it picks up a bit when Cid joins. And then it fucking goes down again like Paris Hilton! It's a difficult game to play. But I'm doing it, man. Don't feel sorry for me.

Edit: Fuck yeah, the President is a goddamn larper. I actually tried snapping it and using some of that in the update but it just didn't work out. I encourage everyone to play the game and see it if you want to know real pain. You can grab a save file from Gamefaqs or something I think so you don't have to play right up to the point.

Good update Locue, you also brought back memories of why i hated midgar city. :D
That damn squat contest against "Big Bro" the local tranny (not sure if he was gay) ,at the time at least for me it was damn hard to win and the bloody save point was so far away and not to mention going over the whole song and dance conversation again when reloading a save, not to mention the interaction with the honeybee girls (they thinking you are a gay perv) and that hottub full of guys @ the brothel.

update plz
I kinda became an addict to this thread, so I need my dose. NOW!!

also it's interesting how I've played this game and thought how horribly stupid and boring it was, but now that I look at it from the side it seems even shittier.

afewhours said:

. Just know you have the 20 hour-long expository cutscene when you escape from Midgar to look forward to. Fnar, fnar, fnar!

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Yep, that section is burned into my memory. You may need to be more than just slightly drunk to get through it.

I'm taking today off because I tore my head off at work. Really, if you saw me you'd say it looks fucking ridiculous. An update will be prepared, fine-tuned and posted tomorrow.

Also, I'm thinking about not getting drunk and fucked up for the rest updates. At least 'til we reach the world map and have to get ourselves a giant chick so we can cross a swamp and not get eaten by a snake. That chapter is going to have a certain amount of snake-fighting, I think. Just because snakes should be fought and save points are everywhere on the world map. It's convenient and fantastic. Need sleep now.