Putting the 'role' back in role-playing games since 2002.
Donate to Codex
Good Old Games
  • Welcome to rpgcodex.net, a site dedicated to discussing computer based role-playing games in a free and open fashion. We're less strict than other forums, but please refer to the rules.

    "This message is awaiting moderator approval": All new users must pass through our moderation queue before they will be able to post normally. Until your account has "passed" your posts will only be visible to yourself (and moderators) until they are approved. Give us a week to get around to approving / deleting / ignoring your mundane opinion on crap before hassling us about it. Once you have passed the moderation period (think of it as a test), you will be able to post normally, just like all the other retards.

Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 66: Connect The Dots

Part One

ff7432.jpg


ff7433.jpg


ff7434.jpg


ff7435.jpg


ff7436.jpg


ff7437.jpg


ff7438.jpg


ff7439.jpg


ff7440.jpg


ff7441.jpg


ff7443.jpg


Welcome to a special soul-searching chapter of everyone's most beloved jrpg let's play trainwreck thread. Some quick notes for you before we begin; this long story sequence consists of everyone speaking almost entirely in .....-language and will be broken up in three parts, and also hey we're speaking english again! How about that? Let there be much rejoicing.

Now let's go and understand why this game is on lists for greatest roleplaying games of all time! Alright, let's go. I have a date with an action button. Gonna click the shit outta her.

ff7445.jpg


ff7446.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Is this the inside of your dreams? Or is it... your... subconsciousness? You're searching, aren't you, Cloud? Searching... for yourself... I can help you. We'll work together to try and get the real you back!

Very well, let's sort through this damaged mind and see if we can't piece together the bestest anime hero ever. Let's start with the North Cloud seeing as the game is, lest we forget ha ha, really fucking linear and won't accept anything else.

ff7447.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
The gates of Nibelheim... Five years ago, Sephiroth passed through these gates...... And....... that's how it all started.......

FACT: 20% of the entire script, for all Final Fantasy-games, is all dots.

tifalockhart.jpg
It connects....... to Nibelheim........?

Well, OF COURSE it connects to fucking Nibelheim. Jesus on a trampoline, it's the place where shit happened! And the two of you fucking grew up there! Supposedly. Why would this fucking mess not be connected to Nibelheim?! GODDAMMIT, TIFA!

tifalockhart.jpg
That's right... It's probably best to start from there......

GODDAMMIT!

tifalockhart.jpg
Let's go have a look, Cloud. I know it's not easy, but I'll be right with you.

ff7448.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Here's the well. And that's Gramp's Inn, too.

ff7449.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
This is the Nibelheim you remember, right?

Oh sure. A well, an inn and some old truck. Definitely some of my best childhood memories.

tifalockhart.jpg
I wasn't talking to you, asshole.

ff7450.jpg

ff7451.jpg

ff7452.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Sephiroth... and a young, vibrant soldier. Can you tell me again what happened?

"Cuz lemme tell you how wrong you were, stupid!"

ff7453.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Five years ago... I saw the real Sephiroth for the very first time. But... to tell you the truth, I thought he was very cold. I remember... I felt something sinister about him.

ff7454.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
No.

ff7455.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
But, I'm not going to hide it anymore.

ff7456.jpg

ff7457.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
The two that were ordered here were Sephiroth and another person...

ff7458.jpg

ff7459.jpg

ff7460.jpg

ff7461.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
There's nothing..... I can say... You must find the answer yourself. If you can't, then you..... Take your time, Cloud. Slowly....... little by little, okay?


To be continued.
 

pipka

Savant
Joined
Apr 1, 2009
Messages
1,351
Location
The Penal Zone
Okay. I can't stand it.
I'd tried three times already to read this LP.
By the update number 2 i stopped every fucking time. I felt as i was loosing some kind of mental stat. Probably intelligence.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Is it the game or my lp?
If it's the game, well, don't worry about it.
If it's my lp, well, <s>fuck you</s> sorry.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 66: Connect The Dots

Part Two


ff7462.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
That starry night at the well..... And our promise that night... What if the memory was just a lie?
tifalockhart.jpg
Don't hurry, Cloud. Don't answer too quickly. Just keep checking all those emotions and it'll come back..... Slowly..... little by little..... Right... like the sky that night..... the heavens were filled with stars..... From the beginning... ok?

ff7463.jpg


ff7464.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
And that's you. You were so small then. And cute.

ff7467.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Did you imagine this sky? No. You remembered it. That night the stars were gorgeous. It was just Cloud and I. We talked at the well... That's why I continued to believe you were the real Cloud. I still believe you're the Cloud from Nibelheim.

ff7468.jpg

ff7469.jpg

ff7470.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
No, not memories. A memory is something that has to be consciously recalled, right? That why sometimes it can be mistaken and a different thing..... But it's different from a memory locked deep within your heart..... That's why it must be a fake. If he could recall up that memory.....

ff7471.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
I say something and you don't remember it..... But you say something, and I remember it too. Then we'll know that's our memory...

BRILLIANT!

tifalockhart.jpg
Talk to me. About anything, some important memory to you..... Now that you mention it, why did you want to join SOLDIER in the first place? I always thought it was a sudden decision you made...

Did I mention I've given up on this story? Well, I'm doing it *again*. Seriously what the fuck?

ff7472.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
I thought if I got stronger, someone would see me.
tifalockhart.jpg
Someone to notice you? Who?

ff7473.jpg

tifalockhart.jpg
Me?! Why?

ff7474.jpg

ff7475.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
It's important to me... I hate to say it, but... It's a very important memory...

ff7476.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
......a sealed up secret...... wish...... Tender memories......no one can ever know.........

ff7477.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Is it...

ff7478.jpg

ff7479.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah. It was my first time there.
tifalockhart.jpg
Was it?
cloudstrife.jpg
I only used to look up at it from outside.

ff7480.jpg

ff7481.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Was that the first day you came into my room? ...that's right. We lived next to each other. But I really didn't know you that well. I've known you since we were children and always thought we were close.

Two questions: 1, why?! and 2, are you depressed or something?

Anyway, Tifa shakes her head so I suppose...

ff7482.jpg

ff7483.jpg


Too obvious.

tifalockhart.jpg
That's right.
cloudstrife.jpg
I used to think... they were all stupid.
tifalockhart.jpg
What?!
cloudstrife.jpg
You were all childish, laughing at every stupid thing.
tifalockhart.jpg
But we were children back then.
cloudstrife.jpg
I know. I'm the one who was stupid.

How very true. Seriously, people who point out Squall as the most emoliciously fucked up protagonist in the series don't know shit about Cloud.

ff7484.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Then later... I began to think I was different. That I was different from those immature kids. That then.... maybe....

ff7485.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
I thought that might happen, so I hung around... I was so prejudiced..... and weak... That night, I called Tifa out to the well. I thought to myself Tifa would never come... that she hated me.
tifalockhart.jpg
Yeah... it was so sudden. I was... a bit surprised. But... it's true that we weren't THAT close but...

THAT close...

Too obvious.

tifalockhart.jpg
After you left town, I really thought about you a lot. I used to wonder how Cloud was doing. I wonder if Cloud was able to join SOLDIER. I started reading the newspapers, thinking that there might be an article about you.

"Bitches will love me when I'm famous!"

cloudstrife.jpg
Thanks, Tifa. Tell Him what you told me, later. He'll probably be so happy.
tifalockhart.jpg
Ok!

ff7486.jpg


SUDDENLY!

cloudstrife.jpg
This was the day... Tifa's mom...
tifalockhart.jpg
The day mom died....

ff7487.jpg


Oh, so that's why you only invited everyone but Cloud!

ff7488.jpg


SU-SU-SU-SUDDENLY!!!!

ff7489.jpg


What the fuck is this about? Your mom just died and you decide to climb a fucking mountain? What the fuck?!

ff7490.jpg


Spoiler: no, she didn't. Tifa's just totally fucked up in the head.

ff7491.jpg

ff7492.jpg

ff7493.jpg


So basically, Tifa got crazy when her mom died so she went to the mountains thinking she could meet her mom there and stuff and then when she and the gang reached the rope bridge everyone but her ran off but Cloud had followed her and ultimately the rope bridge breaks down for the quadbillionth time and...

ff7494.jpg

ff7495.jpg


A serial killer is born.

ff7496.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
We all thought she wouldn't make it. If only I could've saved her. I was so angry... Angry at myself for my weakness... Ever since then, I felt Tifa blamed me... I got out of control... I'd get into fights not even caring who it was. That was the first time I heard about Sephiroth. If I got strong like Sephiroth, then everyone might...

ff7497.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
So that was it...... Sorry, Cloud. If I had only remembered more clearly what happened, I could have done something sooner......
cloudstrife.jpg
It's not your fault, Tifa.
tifalockhart.jpg
But, I remember back when we were, eight! That's it! Now I know! You weren't created five years ago. My childhood memories weren't all made up! Hang in there Cloud! Just a little longer! You've almost found the real you! Let's go back to Nibelheim again......!

Yay.


To be continued.
 
Joined
Jun 14, 2008
Messages
6,927
I hope when you're writing down the text for avatars to say you don't skip on dots. This is very important you know. If you didn't have exact amount of dots that would seriously hamper the story.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Emotional Vampire said:
I hope when you're writing down the text for avatars to say you don't skip on dots. This is very important you know. If you didn't have exact amount of dots that would seriously hamper the story.
Believe me, I'm taking the dots very seriously. Every single dot has been faithfully reproduced for this lp just to give you, and all my other faithful readers, the very best lp experience time can buy.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 66: Connect The Dots

Part Three

Wanna know kinda what the fuck is going on? Read chapters 19, 20 & 21 wherein Cloud tells his fucked up version of the following events! Or don't. Just trying to help you out, jeez...


ff7498.jpg


Alright, let's do this!

ff7499.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
To the reactor! The Mako reactor of five years ago!

ff7500.jpg

ff7501.jpg


This scene and much more can be enjoyed to the fullest in chapter 21. It's Tifa getting thrown down the stairs by Sephiroth.

ff7502.jpg

ff7503.jpg


Chapter 21 also has the famous "Sephiroth walking through flames" scene! Don't be a pussy, go read chapter 21 today! Oh, and that's Zack from Gongaga Village and he doesn't give a shit about Tifa's broken body! At least not in this scene...

ff7504.jpg

ff7505.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
That's right! It was Zack who came to Nibelheim with Sephiroth! But then... where were you, Cloud?

ff7506.jpg


Waiting for Sephiroth to throw Zack out of the boss room apparently.

ff7507.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah... I saw...

ff7508a.jpg
ff7509b.jpg
ff7510c.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
I saw it all...

ff7514-pwnfinal.jpg


sephiroth.jpg
Aaarrrgh......who...who are you?
cloudstrife.jpg
Mom... Tifa.....my town...give it back...
sephiroth.jpg
Whut?
cloudstrife.jpg
I had so much respect for you... I admired you...
sephiroth.jpg
Ok, I die now. Aaarrrgh.

Oh my, who could this mysterious warrior possibly be?!

ff7520-undressingfinal.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
So that's what happened... You WERE there...

In disguise!

ff7520-undressing6a.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
You were watching me.

Well, actually he's watching Zack watching you.

tifalockhart.jpg
Meh. Details, bee tails.

ff7528.jpg


And that's Sephiroth without a face! Whoa!

cloudstrife.jpg
I never made it as a member of SOLDIER. I even left my hometown telling everyone I was going to join, but... I was so embarassed...... I didn't want to see anybody...

ff7529a.jpg

ff7530.jpg


Cloud Strife - slowest helmet putter onner in the world!
Tifa Lockhart - blindest not blind girl in the world!

ff7531.jpg

ff7532.jpg


Yeah, I think we all get it now.

ff7550-1.jpg


BCVIITifaresize.jpg
...You came. ...You kept your promise. So you really did come when I was in trouble...
BCVIICloudresize.jpg
Sorry... I didn't get here... fast enough....
BCVIITifaresize.jpg
It's all right... Cloud...

ff7551-1.jpg

ff7551b.jpg

ff7552-1.jpg


Alright, let's do this! Let's do this! Fuck yeah!

ff7553.jpg

ff7554.jpg


Oh well. At least we tried. Huh, Cloud? Cloud?!

ff7555-giveyoualift.jpg

ff7562.jpg


Whoa! That was fucking awesome!

BCVIICloudresize.jpg
Yeah, I'm going to pass out now.

Alright.

ff7565.jpg


Anything to heal your mind, Cloud. Are we done now?

ff7566.jpg

ff7567.jpg

ff7568.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Shit, my head... Uh, hello Tifa...
tifalockhart.jpg
Oh Cloud! It's really you isn't it?
cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah... We finally meet again...
tifalockhart.jpg
You stupid jerk! You had us all worried!!

Way to yell at the mentally handicapped, Tifa.

cloudstrife.jpg
Krg!!
tifalockhart.jpg
Cloud! What's wrong!?

You said he was stupid and now he's having an attack. It's simple mathematics.

cloudstrife.jpg
Voice... Their...
tifalockhart.jpg
I see... We're in the Lifestream, aren't we?

NO FUCKING SHIT.

ff7569.jpg


Wake up, Cloud and Tifa. Wake up.

ff7571.jpg

ff7572.jpg


Tifa Lockhart: Matt Murdock.

ff7573.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
I mean, I didn't really find him. Cloud found himself on his own...
barretwallace.jpg
Awright, I know... I shouldn't have doubted him. But I can't win against you. You're some kinda lady.
tifalockhart.jpg
People have so many things pent up inside of themselves... And they can forget so many things......

ff7574.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Strange...... isn't it...?

ff7575.jpg


.....
 

Elzair

Cipher
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
2,254
Is this what makes Cloud the bestest JRPG "hero" ever? I really don't get it. I have actually played through this game at least three times or so, and I still don't get it.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
All those playthroughs and you couldn't see the COMPLEXITY or BADASSERY?! Sephiroth thrusts his huge sword into Cloud's stomach and Cloud is just all like "what the fuck is this shit" and pulls it out and lifts Sephiroth up and swings him down into a pool of mako. Goddamn! You never saw fucking Squall do that, did you? I swear, that shit makes Cyan look like a republican.

Goddammit!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 67 - Optional Things To Do

Previously! Stuff happened, shit went down, everything went back to normal.

We rejoin our heroes in the all-important mission strategy war room...

ff7576-WELCOMEBACKCLOUDSTRIFE.jpg


Well, how about telling everyone just what exactly happened. Just in case they actually give a shit.

cloudstrife.jpg
I never was in SOLDIER. I made up the stories about what happened to me five years ago, about being in SOLDIER. I left my village looking for glory, but never made it in to SOLDIER...... I was so ashamed of being so weak; then I heard this story from my friend Zack... And I created an illusion of myself made up of what I had seen in my life...... And I continued to play the charade as if it were true.
barretwallace.jpg
Illusion, huh...? Pretty damn strong for a llusion, I'd say.
cloudstrife.jpg
I'm physically built like someone in SOLDIER. Hojo's plan to clone Sephiroth wasn't that difficult. It was just the same procedure they use when creating members of SOLDIER. You see, someone in SOLDIER isn't simply exposed to Mako energy. Their bodies are actually injected with Jenova cells...... For better or worse, only the strong can enter SOLDIER. It has nothing to do with Jenova Reunion. But weak people...... like me, get lost in the whole thing. The combination of Jenova cells, Sephiroth's strong will and my own weakness are what created me. Everyone knew that. I'm...... Cloud. ......the master of my own illusionary world. But I can't remain trapped in an illusion any more...... I'm going to live my life without pretending.

Motherfucking yawn.

ff7577.jpg


Shut the fuck up, you poorly developed character with breasts!

puppet.jpg
By the way, Cloud. What are you going to do now? Don't tell me you're going to leave the ship?
cloudstrife.jpg
......I'm the reason why Meteor is falling towards us. That's why I have to do something in my power to fight this thing.
barretwallace.jpg
Good!! Then you're gonna keep fightin' to save the planet!?
cloudstrife.jpg
It's like you always told me, Barret.

OH GOD NO PLEASE

barretwallace.jpg
Oh, uh, you mean that!
Redxiii.jpg
What?

ff7578.jpg


And they all do their little victory dances too. Please kill me.

Alright! So we have Cloud reinstated as party leader. Fuck. So what was it we were supposed to do now?

ff7579.jpg


Oh right. "Out of the blue" huh? Underwater reactor.

Well, we won't pick up le materia énorme le tiers in this update. There are a lot of other stuff to pick up, like Tifa's ultimate limit break and final weapon. There are also a couple of neat things you can do here on the Highwind as Cloud. Talk to Cid and he'll tell you what a pain it was to be the leader. Talk to Yuffie and you'll give her advice on how to handle her motion sickness. Talk to the pilot and you'll fucking leave and carry on with the goddamn game. Jesus Christ...

We start out next to Mideel, which is now destroyed and therefore immediately granted the status of best town in the game.

ff7580.jpg


If you talked to the cunty shopaholic in every shop before Weapon attacked, you can still buy stuff here since she bought everything and desperately needs money to start over. If you didn't talk to her, well, it's not like it actually matters.

We have a couple of things to do before we go to the reactor. First let's head to Bone Village and dig around in the mud for a hundred bucks.

ff7581.jpg


Yay. Let's revisit Midgar! It'll be fun!

ff7582.jpg


It's my key now. Anyway, things to do here:

1: see a glitch of Aeris in the church.
2: hang yourself.
3: pick up Tifa's ultimate weapon.

We're going to do number three exclusively.

ff7583.jpg

ff7584.jpg


Yeah, kick the shit outta that computer, Cid!

ff7585.jpg

ff7586.jpg

ff7587.jpg

ff7588.jpg

ff7589.jpg


The greatest game of all time, ladies and ladyboys. The greatest.

Alright, now get the fuck outta Midgar and travel over to Nibelheim and play Tifa's piano and you'll get her final limit break. Tifa is thus completed and can fuck the hell off. Vincent takes her place. It's time for the underwater reactor...

And then, after that... it's the submarine minigame.

The submarine minigame.

The submarine minigame...

The. Submarine. Minigame.

THE MOTHERFUCKING SUBFUCKINGMARINE MINIFUCKGAME!!

:D To be continued, it'll be fun! :D


killme
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
11,079

:Lithuanian hitman takes aim:
:incoming intercom communication:
"Stand down, stand down. Let him do the submarine shit. I repeat, let him do the submarine."
"Yes sir, understood."
:vanishes Aldair style:
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 68 - The Underwater Reactor

ff7590.jpg


Oh no my precious money no please don't take it i need it for mom's surgery stop

ff7591.jpg


YOU are not missing shit, you stupid fuck. But the CANNON sure as hell is missing from the MILITARY COMPLEX! I like to imagine that Cid and Vincent beats the shit outta Cloud after this.

ff7592.jpg


Are you ready for another hilarious stupid shinra soldier sequence?

ff7593.jpg


Oh man this is going to be great!

ff7594.jpg


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

ff7595.jpg


THEY WENT THE WRONG WAY!!

HAHAHAHAHA OH GOD

ff7596.jpg


Dude #1: How 'bout... whoever stays alive, gets to take her out?
Dude #2: All right! You're on!! But... What if both of us...
Dude #1: Whoa!! Don't even talk about that!

FACT: Actual dialogue.

ff7597.jpg


Slut.

ff7598.jpg


Looking kinda spooky there, poorly lit corridor.

ff7599.jpg


Well, here we are then. The Underwater Reactor!

ff7600.jpg


Yup! It's the Underwater Reactor alright!

ff7601.jpg


He sure is!

ff7602.jpg


We sure are too!

ff7603.jpg


We sure still are!

ff7604.jpg


YES FOR FUCKS SAKE GODDAMMIT GAME I HATE YOU SO MUCH

So anyway, the Huge Materia is picked up and carried away for transportation. Vincent says "we were too late" and Cid swears. In the next screen...

ff7605.jpg


I DON'T KNOW CLOUD WHY DON'T YOU ASK RENO HE SEEMS TO HAVE A BETTER GRIP ON THE ENTIRE SITUATION

ff7606.jpg


Huge Materia in red submarine. Check.

So ANYway... when Cloud walks near Reno, he's mistaken for a worker and told to give them a hand loading the huge materia into the submarine although we ALREADY SAW IT GET LOADED GODDAMMIT GAME I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD

Reno then turns around and is all "CLOUD?!" and Vincent is all like "I refuse..." and Cid is all like "I don't work for free!" and I swear to god that if I find a single person who laughs at that I will kill god and force that person to fuck god's dead asshole before I smother him to death with god's enormous ballsack.

It is one of the most poorly written moments in the entire game and I can't even squeeze out a desperate homosexual joke out of it. Why did they put shit "jokes" like this into the fucking game? Why couldn't they just have Cloud and the gang bust on in and be all like "Yo, Reno! We'll be takin' that there huge ass materia from ya, aight?!" and then Reno could be all like "Yo yo yo, what you sayin' here Goldie? You comin' in here tellin' big bad red Reno what to do? You be trippin'!"

ff7607.jpg


You and me both.

ff7608.jpg


So Reno calls for the Gropemaster 2000 robot, which is about just as threatening as the people that attend comic conventions.

ff7609.jpg


He's going to touch you in your dirty spot!

ff7610.jpg


DAMN! THE SUBMARINE!

cloudstrife.jpg
Well, don't worry! There's another submarine over there!

DAMN! THE SUBMARINE!

ff7611.jpg


Pick up all three treasure chests. Don't worry about the blue boys. They will do their best to not escape in the submarine and will in fact not fight you until you come too close for comfort. Jump into the submarine, fight three more losers and...

ff7612.jpg


Stumble upon three more losers! Now, these three are special. I don't know if you remember, but these are the very same soldiers that helped Cloud way back when with the whole parade and president salute minigame!

ff7613.jpg


They are what's usually called "comic relief".

ff7614.jpg


Choices, choices. Just take them hostage. That's what I do, mainly because I don't care for fighting three more losers. I think you should take every non-violent offer this game throws at you.

ff7615.jpg


Suddenly, Cloud demonstrates one of his many psychological problems, and the translation team's continued suckitude. Honestly, in a better written game the Shinra-soldiers would've fucking killed this claustrophobic idiot.

ff7616.jpg


Vincent here turns completely badass and gives Cloud the hand and tells him to hurry the fuck up because Reno is getting away. Cid, being the mechanically gifted one, starts up the submarine by punching it.

ff7617.jpg


Good. Now pilot the damn thing, you wuss.

ff7618.jpg


By all means read the manual if you suck at pushing a button. Sit the fuck down, Cloud. We're going to get this shitty minigame over with as quickly as possible.

ff7619.jpg


Now, yes, that only took seventeen seconds but that's seventeen seconds I could have spent stroking my penis instead of shooting down a red submarine surrounded by green shit.

Fuck.

ff7620.jpg


Yes, but SUDDENLY!

ff7621.jpg


nikkisixx.jpg
We've no choice but to respond.
cloudstrife.jpg
All right... This is Shinra No. 2. Everything is normal.
shinra.jpg
Really? Because your submarine is the only one that hasn't sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
cloudstrife.jpg
Well, there you go then. Everything is normal.
shinra.jpg
Okay, whatever. Return to dock.
cloudstrife.jpg
Roger.
cidhighwind.jpg
Alright, fuck Junon. Let's go pick up that huge materia and...

ff7622.jpg


nikkisixx.jpg
What?

ff7623.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
What the fuck are we following orders for?!

Alright, in the NEXT update we'll get our blocky hands on the huge materia. I think.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 69 - insert joke about the famous intercourse position here

In the previous update we sliced, stabbed and shot our way into the underwater reactor in order to get our hands on a piece of Huge Materia and when we were just about to go pick it up, the game managed to find a way to delay the vital "getting our hands on a piece of Huge Materia" part and this is why we're now, for currently unexplained reasons, going to follow an actual order from an actual Shinra officer and run all the way up to Junon's actual airport for a fucking debriefing. And then this happens:

ff7624.jpg


ff7625.jpg


That was Huge Materia #4 that just flapped away into the skies. The game doesn't really tell you this, well unless you talk to someone on the base or in the village under the base. Now, one question: why the fuck did this order go out to a fucking submarine crew? Surely we haven't killed all of Shinra's forces? And surely Shinra could assume we had better things to do, what with those Huge Materia snatchin' terrorists snowboarding around? Why did they just abandon Huge Materia #3? Why did this question suddenly transform into eleven questions? Where are the other questions? These are questions I want answered. Why don't you care about my feelings?

So after this ENTIRELY POINTLESS ADVENTURE Cloud immediately suggests that it must be headed for "Rocket Town of course!" so I guess that's where we'll go! Well, as soon as we're done

PICKING UP THE FUCKING HUGE FUCKING MATERIA #3 GODFUCKINGDAMMIT
DEALING WITH THE SUNKEN GELNIKA
AVOIDING THE CTHULHU WEAPON
VISITING VINCENT'S GIRLFRIEND
SHOOTING HEROIN
PICKING UP THE KEY TO THE ANCIENTS KEY

Alright, let's start from the top.


ALRIGHT HUGE MATERIA ALRIGHT

ff7626.jpg


ff7627.jpg


Check.


ALRIGHT SUNKEN GELNIKA ALRIGHT

ff7628.jpg


ff7629.jpg


renoturk.jpg
There were weapons and Materia developed solely to destroy Sephiroth.
rudeturk.jpg
But, it was attacked by Weapon and sunk to the bottom of the sea.
renoturk.jpg
I can't give you what's here. We're going to deal with Sephiroth. I guess this is our last meeting.
rudeturk.jpg
I won't let you get in my way.

Now that's some great writing right there.

After kicking their asses...

ff7630.jpg


..they teleport away. Alright, loot the place for Cid's final limit break and leave. There's nothing else you need.

Check.


ALRIGHT AVOIDING CTHULHU WEAPON ALRIGHT

AVOIDINGCTHULHUWEAPON.jpg


Check.


ALRIGHT VISITING VINCENT'S GIRLFRIEND ALRIGHT

ff7631.jpg


CAVE.

ff7632.jpg


TUNNEL.

ff7633.jpg


WATERFALL.

ff7634.jpg


SPOOKY.

ff7635.jpg


ABSOLUTELY.

ff7636.jpg


YES.

ff7636b.jpg


NO.

WHITESCREEN. (no screenshot)

Alright, kids. You oughta know what a white screen means by now. Yeah, time for another dive into the past! Let's see what Vincent was up to before Shinra got him all movie monstered up and stuff.

ff7637.jpg


NIBELHEIM! THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!

ff7638.jpg


The perfect place to meet women!

ff7639.jpg


...and, unfortunately, also the perfect place for women to suddenly run away from you!

Here's a hint, Vince; check your hair. Seriously. Remove your fucking emo bangs from your eyes! There's only one video game character that can get away with that shit and still manage to look absolutely badassticly fabulous.

ff7640.jpg


See that, Vincent? She picked the guy with two eyes, Vincent. What do you think about that, Vincent? I hope you learned something, Vincent.

nikkisixx.jpg
If she is happy then... I don't mind.

Pussy.

ff7641.jpg


INTENSE CHAIR SITTING ACTION.

(Yes, that's the entire scene.)

ff7642.jpg


TurkVincent.jpg
I'm against it!! Why experiment on humans?!
hojo.jpg
She and I are both scientists!!

HINT: Read Hojo's line as "I want to do things with her vagina!!" Seriously, it'll make a lot more sense.

nikkisixx.jpg
After that, a child was born to Lucrecia... That child's name is... Sephiroth...

See?

ff7643.jpg


INTENSE LYING ON THE FLOOR IN PAIN ACTION.

(Yes, that's the entire scene.)

ff7644.jpg


TurkVincent.jpg
ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY

ff7645.jpg


hojo.jpg
LALALALALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALA

ff7646.jpg


hojo.jpg
I SHOOT YOU WITH GUN.

ff7647.jpg


TurkVincent.jpg
I FALL DOWN DEAD BECAUSE OF GUNSHOT WOUND.

ff7648.jpg


hojo.jpg
I INJECT YOU WITH SUPERPOWERS NOW BECAUSE I AM EVIL.

ff7649.jpg


TurkVincent.jpg
I LIFT MY ARMS UP AND YELL REALLY LOUD BECAUSE OF WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO ME.

ff7650.jpg


nikkisixx.jpg
This body is... the punishment that's been given to me... I was unable to stop Professor Gast and Hojo.... And Lucrecia... I was unable to stop them. All that I was able to do was watch... That is my punishment...

ff7651.jpg


Didn't we confirm that already?

lucrecia.jpg
I wanted to disappear... I couldn't be with anyone... I wanted to die... But the Jenova inside of me wouldn't let me die... Lately, I dream a lot about Sephiroth.... My dear, dear child. Ever since he was born I never got to hold him, even once. Not even once. You can't call me his mother... That... is my sin.

Right.

lucrecia.jpg
Vincent... Won't you please tell me?
nikkisixx.jpg
.......What?
lucrecia.jpg
If Sephiroth is still alive? I heard that he died five years ago. But I see him in my dreams so often... And I know that physically, like myself, he can't die so easily. Please, Vincent, tell me...
cloudstrife.jpg
N...
nikkisixx.jpg
Yes, Lucrecia... Sephiroth is dead...

Well, technically that's true. I guess.

ff7652.jpg


Well, that was a delightfully fragmented and cryptic flashback but I'm pretty sure I understood most of it.

We're going to come back here after fighting a couple of battles, to hear the rest of the story and pick up Vincent's ultimate gear. Then we'll pick up the key to the ancients and go for a ride in Cid's spaceship. See you then.

Oh and before I forget:

ALRIGHT SHOOTING HEROIN ALRIGHT

[starcraft]Ahhh yeah, that's the stuff...[/starcraft]

Check.
 

PlanHex

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
2,053
Location
Copenhagen, Denmark
Here's a hint, Vince; check your hair. Seriously. Remove your fucking emo bangs from your eyes! There's only one video game character that can get away with that shit and still manage to look absolutely badassticly fabulous.
You can't just end it there and never tell us who you were thinking of.
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
PlanHex said:
Here's a hint, Vince; check your hair. Seriously. Remove your fucking emo bangs from your eyes! There's only one video game character that can get away with that shit and still manage to look absolutely badassticly fabulous.
You can't just end it there and never tell us who you were thinking of.
It's obviously Squall.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Vaarna_Aarne said:
PlanHex said:
Here's a hint, Vince; check your hair. Seriously. Remove your fucking emo bangs from your eyes! There's only one video game character that can get away with that shit and still manage to look absolutely badassticly fabulous.
You can't just end it there and never tell us who you were thinking of.
It's obviously Squall.
It sure is.

I'm playing it again. I don't care how flawed it is, FF7 can't hold a candle to gardens and seeds and shit.
 
Joined
Jun 14, 2008
Messages
6,927
I wanted to do FF8 LP. But then I thought about all the effort and was like, "meh".

True story.
 

As an Amazon Associate, rpgcodex.net earns from qualifying purchases.
Back
Top Bottom