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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Lumpy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 11, 2005
Messages
8,525
I've just found out that Barret literally has a gun for a hand. What the fuck? What kind of a person that has a child chooses his prosthetic limb to be a mini-cannon?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Well, he did get a prosthetic hand/arm-whatever at first, but then he realized that he really, really wanted to kill Shinra and so he scoured the planet for a mad doctor that could install a gun.

Is he man? Is he machine? Is he BOTH?!

Pretty soon, we're going to put a nice cannonball in its place. Because melee attack nigga action is for the win!
 

Radech

Augur
Joined
Sep 1, 2007
Messages
505
Locue said:
Well, he did get a prosthetic hand/arm-whatever at first, but then he realized that he really, really wanted to kill Shinra and so he scoured the planet for a mad doctor that could install a gun.

Is he man? Is he machine? Is he BOTH?!

Pretty soon, we're going to put a nice cannonball in its place. Because melee attack nigga action is for the win!

they are making a movie about his sister http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSpCWJnnWVI
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
That might very well be the most awesomest thing I have ever seen, but why do they have to scream all the time?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
cloudstrife.jpg
Welcome to part two of "Things to do in Nibelheim when you're a incomplete." The next morning we got ourselves ready to brave Mount Nibel. We put several candy bars in our pockets and quickly found... a guide.

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cloudstrife.jpg
Tifa? You're the guide?
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What a coincidence, huh? Well, I just happens to be the number one guide in this town!
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How old are you? Where are all the miners? Surely, they would be much, much better suited at leading us up a dangerous mountain?
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I dunno.
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Oh well, I guess you're hired then.
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What? No, I can't allow this! I can't involve you in something like this!
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It's my call, boy. If I say we hire this fifteen year old girl to lead us up a dangerous mountain, then I say we hire this fifteen year old girl to lead us up a dangerous mountain! Is that understood?
cloudstrife.jpg
Yes.
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Good. Come on now.
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Yay!

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We don't have time for that. Cut off that man's head!
cloudstrife.jpg
It's good PR. :)
sephiroth.jpg
*grumble-mumble-sonoffa...* Oh well! Make it quick. Maybe it'll come in handy in a plot twist from hell much later on.

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cloudstrife.jpg
Tifa led us on a straight and narrow path... To be perfectly honest I didn't really understand why anyone thought we needed a guide. We travelled far and wide over the mountains of Nibel. Everything was fine and dandy, like a good Kenny Loggins song! Until... we tried to cross an old rope bridge!

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I thought I was dead for sure but everything turned out just alright. We just landed on the alternate path leading to the reactor! We took out our candy bars and ate them. They tasted just as good as they would have if we hadn't fallen down a mountain. :D

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cloudstrife.jpg
We're missing one of the guards. My new best buddy here is the only one who landed next to us.
sephiroth.jpg
Well, it might seem cruel but we don't have time to search for that other guard. Don't worry, though, he'll find his way back to town. He's like a dog. Or a horse. Or something. Come on.

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I didn't like turning my back on the guy. Oh well, at least I had my new friend to talk to and practice poses with! How lucky it wasn't him who got separated from us, because I want him to see and hear everything we do! :D

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cloudstrife.jpg
Sephiroth always got kind of mushy when he talked about nature. I even think I saw a book about nature in his infinity pants once. Boy, was he embarrassed or what!! :lol:

sephiroth.jpg
Materia. When you condense Mako energy, materia is produced. It's very rare to be able to see materia in its natural state.
cloudstrife.jpg
By the way, why is it that when you use materia you can also use magic too?
sephiroth.jpg
You were in SOLDIER and didn't even know that?

MINDFU-yeah, you know.

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The knowledge and wisdom of the Ancients is held in the materia. Anyone with this knowledge can freely use the powers of the Land and the Planet. That knowledge interacts between ourselves and the planet calling up magic. Or so they say.
cloudstrife.jpg
Magic... a mysterious power.

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cloudstrife.jpg
Did I say something funny?
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A man once told ME never to use an unscientific term such as mysterious power! It shouldn't even be called 'magic'! I still remember how angry he was.
cloudstrife.jpg
What was that?
sephiroth.jpg
You mean "who"?
cloudstrife.jpg
Yes. Damn translation. Not even my memory is safe.
sephiroth.jpg
Hojo of Shinra, Inc. An inexperienced man assigned to take over the work of a great scientist. He was a walking mass of complexes.
cloudstrife.jpg
Sounds like everyone I know.

cloudstrife.jpg
It took a while, but eventually we reached the reactor.

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tifalockhart.jpg
I didn't say that!
cloudstrife.jpg
Yes you did, shit for brains.

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sephiroth.jpg
Industrial secrets... monsters in the freezers... you know. :wink:
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Haha, you so crazy, Mr. Sephiroth!
sephiroth.jpg
Yes. I know... :D Take care of the lady.

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tifalockhart.jpg
Well! I guess you better take extra good care about me then, blue boy.

cloudstrife.jpg
The interior looked quite different than all the other reactors we've seen so far. Actually, it wasn't much of a reactor. It was just a big room filled with some sort of capsules. Also I saw the word "Jenova" over a big door. I didn't know what it meant back then but... well... maybe it was some kind of boss battle room. :)
aeris_portrait.jpg
Maybe?
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I don't want to spoil it for you. Anyway, Sephiroth quickly repaired the reactor.

sephiroth.jpg
Why did it break?

cloudstrife.jpg
He looked inside one of the capsules.

sephiroth.jpg
Now I see, Hojo. But, even doing this, will never put you on the same level as Professor Gast. Cloud, this is a system that condenses and freezes the Mako energy... that is, when it's working correctly. Now, what does Mako energy become when it's further condensed?

QUIZ TIME!

cloudstrife.jpg
Uh, umm...... Oh yeah! It becomes a Materia.

OOH! BARELY MADE IT!

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What awaits behind the glass window? Find out in-sixte-oh well, I guess we might as well continue.

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There. It's a monster of some kind. Are you happy now?

cloudstrife.jpg
Is this some kind of monster?

SOME KINDA MONSTER HELL YEAH METAL!!!!

sephiroth.jpg
Exactly.

METALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

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And it's Hojo if Shinra that produced these monsters. Mutated living organisms produced by Mako energy. That's what these monsters really are.

AWESOME!

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Oh boy, I never should have asked him that! Next thing you know, ol' Sephie's hacking and slashing at the background. It looked kind of silly actually.

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AND THAT'S GOTTA BE WHEN YOU REALIZED HE WAS FUCKING INSANE AND EVIL BEYOND EVIL!!!
cloudstrife.jpg
Oh no. No, no.

sephiroth.jpg
Oh well. It makes no difference. I have always known...

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Normally, I'd make a pretty obvious joke here but this isn't that kind of LP! Go read Quest for Glory instead, you ridiculously purple twat.

cloudstrife.jpg
Oh, so you have accepted this already?
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Yes, I think I can actually live a normal life with this knowledge.
cloudstrife.jpg
Really?
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No, you idiot!
cloudstrife.jpg
:(
sephiroth.jpg
Leave me alone...

cloudstrife.jpg
THAT'S when I realized he was evil.
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...
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...
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...
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What?
cloudstrife.jpg
Oh yes.
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Because you were being fucking stupid?!
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Ah... well... yes.
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Oh dear god...
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Anyway, we were just about to wrap this up...

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But then!

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cloudstrife.jpg
All hell broke lose!

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Uh, yeah, whatever, shit for brains.
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What, but I just...
cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, you're not allowed to talk anymore.

549_keeptalking.jpg



In the next update: the mindblowing conclusion of Memories of Mindfuckery!
 

MetalCraze

Arcane
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
21,104
Location
Urkanistan
oh yay - the next episode of my favorite codex series

FF7 gets even more retarded further and further
this cracked me up
535_iwishtherewasafastforwardbutton.jpg

she put it like it was our own fucking choice
and that's without stuff like getting the teenage girl to the dangerous mountain as a guide and the survival after the falling from that mountain.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
Patron
Joined
Feb 23, 2006
Messages
28,396
Location
Not Here
Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
the lack of random encounters leading to the plant was quite out of the ordinary for FF game, but I suppose they just wanted to get rid of combat that does not give exp (since this is a flashback).

I remember FF8 had flashbacks that involve combat and exp. And there's a PC version so...anyone wanna LP it? ;)
 

MetalCraze

Arcane
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
21,104
Location
Urkanistan
Squall is boring.
he even does not try to pretend he is a cool guy like Cloud does - instead of that he's being all gay and emo.
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
11,079
I remember FF8 had flashbacks that involve combat and exp. And there's a PC version so...anyone wanna LP it?
By all means , yes... erm I mean HELL YEAH ! I could not stomach the hideous draw system and I quit playing it not far from the start. Let's see some FF8 emo-ness.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
"These are the ragtag bunch of stereotypes we're going to be getting to know. From left to right, we have Squall. He listens to Nickelback and carries a sword that's also a gun and oh my god fuck this shit."

Renzokuken is good for a laugh, though. Especially if you're swedish and in touch with your inner Bethesda employee.
 

Nightjed

Liturgist
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
675
Location
Wasteland
ghostdog said:
By all means , yes... erm I mean HELL YEAH ! I could not stomach the hideous draw system and I quit playing it not far from the start. Let's see some FF8 emo-ness.

actually the drawing system is not as bad as most ppl say, you can avoid some of the worst drawings if you know what is useless and distill some of it from items (ej, you can get curagas from 10 tents early in the game, saving you from drawing hp junction spells until the last part of the game).

upgrading weapons can be more annoying than drawing, but you can finish the game without upgrading, so you can avoid the whole stealing business

The story is even decent for about a third of the game but then goes to fuck when rinoa becomes the center of it.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Oh yes, Rinoa. Fucking whining bitch. If you guys think Tifa is bad, you have no idea how much worse Rinoa is.

I would applaud anyone that would attempt a FF8-LP, because, eh, I sure as hell won't do it. Not even if I didn't have this to work on.

That said, I would really love to read a LP on Final Fantasy IX as it's probably one of the best FFs even though it has a villain that wears a thong and a plot that goes totally batshit insane out the fucking window at the end.
 

TheLostOne

Savant
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
770
Location
Limbo
Locue said:
and a plot that goes totally batshit insane out the fucking window from the second you see that stupid fucking monkey.

I hated 9's dipshit characters. Racing fucking anthro hippos?! The Fuck?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Eh, FF9 have some of the best characters in the series. I know that isn't saying much but, eh, a Final Fantasy main character that isn't a fucking emo crybaby? Well, I find that very likeable.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
Patron
Joined
Feb 23, 2006
Messages
28,396
Location
Not Here
Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
..Loc. It's just stretching it too far to have a MY character, MYSELF having a shit dangling from my ass and have to deal with a little princess named after a sharp weapon as well as having a party member whose main motivation is to eat anything.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
Patron
Joined
Feb 23, 2006
Messages
28,396
Location
Not Here
Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
oh man >_> whatever i'm glad my PS1 memory card died while playing it. Saved me some pain.
 

Sovy Kurosei

Erudite
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
1,535
An LP of Chrono Cross would be alright, just so the author could explain what the heck was going on like in that one KOTOR2 LP on the Somethingawful forums.

Locue said:
I know that isn't saying much but, eh, a Final Fantasy main character that isn't a fucking emo crybaby? Well, I find that very likeable.

I was able to deal with FF9 just right until the time that monkeyboy started to go emo.

I have to give credit to the writers of FF7 for pulling off one of the more interesting takes on the amnesiac video game opening. Instead of just not remembering who you were yesterday, like in KOTOR,
Cloud assumes a twisted identity of Zack, sort of like how some creepy guy cuts out a picture of his head and pastes it on a photo of a celebrity. You then go through the story of where things just aren't adding up right, where Cloud goes through an identity crisis when Sephiroth plays mindfuck with him and eventually coming to the final resolution that, yeah, he was a blueshirt nobody in Shinra.

Also Tifa is a real bitch for not setting the story straight in the beginning and possibly have avoided having Cloud handing over the black materia that called on Meteor. :|
 

MetalCraze

Arcane
Joined
Jul 3, 2007
Messages
21,104
Location
Urkanistan
I wonder how Locue will work on this "massive storyline turn". considering that only now FF7 is started to gain the high amounts of absurd. also - after that turn Cloud went just ultra-emo.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
Patron
Joined
Feb 23, 2006
Messages
28,396
Location
Not Here
Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
av-14261.gif
 

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