Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Locue said:

Thanks, people. I'll do my very best to get through this game for everyone. And unfortunately for you, afewhours, I will get Yuffie and Vincent and every other little secret in the game. It's how I was raised. Can't help it.

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No! Don't do it! I... GHALUGHALUGLHAULGUHLAGHULAGUHLAGHAULGUAH

I see a tag waiting for me at the end of this.

don't forget to write your emotions when Aeris will die.

Welcome back to the LP. I'm Locue. You're my audience. This is Let's Play Final Fantasy VII.



Yeah, baby!

Now that we're done with the boring tutorial mission, you'll find that the game picks up quite a bit...

ahaHAHAhaHA!!!!

Anyway, we find our heroes - along with Biggs, Jessie and Wedge - hiding out somewhere and just talking about what they just did.



Again, we don't really know for sure and Barret seems to be giving it some serious head time.



FACT: Barret Wallace - (black) man and the very original Final Fantasy VII-emo. So get off Cloud's back, you horrible, horrible people.

Anyway, after a bit of hiding Jessie eventually says we should get moving.



So let's do just that.



Now we're actually in the city. Looks peaceful, doesn't it? Well, wait for it... Waaaaait for iiiiit...

OH MY FUCKING HOLY SHIT GOD COCK!



FACT: Final Fantasy VII have more pointless huge ass explosions than all Metal Gear Solid-games combined.

WHEN WILL ALL THE GODDAMNED EXPLOSIONS STOP!?



WE'RE IN THE CITY NOW YOU GODDAMN PRICKS! THERE ARE INNOCENT PEOPLE HERE! STOP BLOWING SHIT UP ALL THE TIME!



GODDAMNIT!!

Alright, let's move. Barret, black man of action, immediately takes charge.



What we're dealing with now, is a city in panic and we can use this to our advantage to disappear and get back to our hideout. Barret tells us to split up and meet up at the Sector 8 train station. So yeah, let's.



On our way through a city of panic, we observe citizens running around scared and tackling each other out of the way.



We meet a pretty girl selling flowers, but she's actually not the important thing now - it's actually her flowers - so let's investigate further!




See, flowers are very rare in the city of Midgar in this day and age, because they have evil life-sucking corporations and mad bomber freedom fighters to worry about. It's hard to be a pretty flower in this cold, old world and so the poor little things have to resort to prostitution to survive and get through college. It's really horrible.



So let's buy one and put it in our pocket.





The pimp girl wanders off to look for new customers. Let's continue our valiant escape!



See that electricity? Let's see what happens if we OH FUCK MY HAIR!



Goddamn these terrorists! Oh, looks like they have graffiti here. Let's have that old man over there read it for us!



Uh-huh.




Well, that's nice.

Alright, I guess we better escape. Let's try exiting to the south.



Uh-oh!

Alright, it looks like we've been spotted by some soldiers. We can handle this either by running away or fighting them.



Will this have consequences? Hahahaha, no! But if you don't decide quick enough, the game will pick the option Mickey Mouse is pointing at. And there's really no reason not to fight them as you get experience, money and maybe an item or two.

FACT: Of course, if you'd rather we didn't fight them then just pretend we didn't! 'Cause it all plays out exactly the same way anyway. Those two soldiers won't disappear just because we kill them. They just get replaced! It's just like the real army!



So we fight them - or run from them, whatever - and we run into more soldiers. We fight them too. Then we run into a third bunch of soldiers.



Goddamn! Was it something I said? GodDAMN!



Alright, now we're surrounded. The game doesn't give us any choices this time. Now, we're going to get killed for sure, right? I know that's what all of you unbelievers are thinking, huh? Well, screw you! Cloud has an ace up his sleeve.



He's a goddamn hero.



FACT: Cloud Strife, train surfer.



Great escape? OR GREATEST ESCAPE?!!


In the next update: come meet the resistance!

Locue said:

We meet a pretty girl selling flowers, but she's actually not the important thing now - it's actually her flowers - so let's investigate further!

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Ah! I understand now! The flowers are SYMB0L1K! Aeris is a prostitute who sells her "flower" to survive on the streets of Midgar. Isn't it great how FFVII is suitable for kiddies, yet contains H1DD3N M3SSAGES for an adult audience! Gawd! It's so deep! My brain is exploding.

You need to get a shot of Cloud doing his trademark *shrug*. Seeing that would probably kill half of the Codex.

CONTINUE MY GOOD SF2 AVATAR!









Oh yeah, I almost forgot: lol jrpgs lol

PLZ BE MORE SERIOUS!! :evil:

Trying to get 2 trophies at the same time, eh Locue?

Don't know why, but I like this LP better than the Pokemon one. Maybe because FFVII has an actual storyline that can generate potential lulz when you amplify its stupidity. Good luck on your comedy crusade!

Also, why the fuck is the main evil a greedy money-hungry corporation bent on wasting the planet's resources for profit? Was this game inspired by Captain Planet/developed by a Japanese Greenpeace branch, or something? I've never played FFVII so I don't know the details, but that's how it seems.

Suicidal said:

Trying to get 2 trophies at the same time, eh Locue?

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Eh, I guess. I keep telling myself I won't give up on Emerald but it's really difficult not to since I think the game's so fucking boring. I'm going to try to go through the game for as long as I have a scripted story. After that, I'll probably nuke it for good. It's a parody shits and giggles thread anyway.

Don't know why, but I like this LP better than the Pokemon one. Maybe because FFVII has an actual storyline that can generate potential lulz when you amplify its stupidity. Good luck on your comedy crusade!

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My thoughts exactly. Thanks.

Also, why the fuck is the main evil a greedy money-hungry corporation bent on wasting the planet's resources for profit? Was this game inspired by Captain Planet/developed by a Japanese Greenpeace branch, or something? I've never played FFVII so I don't know the details, but that's how it seems.

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I actually don't know. Most asian anime and manga and games and crap in general seems to have this as a theme. Evil people fucking up the world's life in some way for profit, so good guys have to help the friendly world spirits, Gaia or the lifeforce or whatever. I dunno. And then in the end everyone learns their lesson and starts recycling and shit.

Suicidal said:

Also, why the fuck is the main evil a greedy money-hungry corporation bent on wasting the planet's resources for profit?

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The Gaia fetish is a well documented phenomenon in animefag/JRPG land. Just watch Princess Mononoke and you'll get the idea.

Besides, the main evil is... MYSTARY! You will have to wait for Locue to reveal all.

Locue said:

PLZ BE MORE SERIOUS!!

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CAN YOU SEE THAT I AM SERIOUS?

JOIN ME OR DIE. CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?

afewhours said:

Suicidal said:

Also, why the fuck is the main evil a greedy money-hungry corporation bent on wasting the planet's resources for profit?

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The Gaia fetish is a well documented phenomenon in animefag/JRPG land. Just watch Princess Mononoke and you'll get the idea.

Besides, the main evil is... MYSTARY! You will have to wait for Locue to reveal all.

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Locue said:

PLZ BE MORE SERIOUS!!

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CAN YOU SEE THAT I AM SERIOUS?

JOIN ME OR DIE. CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?

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STOP SCREAMING AT ME!!!

Alright, enough of this shenanigans.

I am predicting right now this thread will culminate in people trying to analyze the storyline and coming up with various theories explaining it in long, formatted essays.

Jasede said:

I am predicting right now this thread will culminate in people trying to analyze the storyline and coming up with various theories explaining it in long, formatted essays.

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Meh, I can sum everything up in one sentence when the time is right.

No, you can't. See, the story is very deep and full of symbolism so you can't make it this easy. You must carefully analyze every plot device in its dramatical context and pay attention to the character-developmental synergies to properly appreciate the deep and thought-provoking story that should send an important message to all of us.

Jasede said:

I am predicting right now this thread will culminate in people trying to analyze the storyline and coming up with various theories explaining it in long, formatted essays.

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What? No, no, no, no. I predict it will end in a deluge of one line posts saying "lol final fantasy sucks."

Jasede said:

No, you can't. See, the story is very deep and full of symbolism so you can't make it this easy. You must carefully analyze every plot device in its dramatical context and pay attention to the character-developmental synergies to properly appreciate the deep and thought-provoking story that should send an important message to all of us.

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Bwahahahaha!!!

This is madness!!!

Jasede said:

http://uk.faqs.ign.com/articles/454/454384p1.html

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HOLY... uh, yeah. I didn't actually expect that someone had done something like that. Damn me for my positive outlook on life!

Don't expect something like that in this thread. I really don't care enough for the "complex" storyline to go to so great lengths to explain it. I will sum it up in one sentence. It won't be "this is madness" but it'll probably be pretty damn close.

I'm going to get back to work now.

Jasede said:

http://uk.faqs.ign.com/articles/454/454384p1.html

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What the devil?

Meh. Never mind. It warms my heart to see people spending hours and hours of time on something so utterly vapid.

At least the setting is more interesting than the Sword Coast.

Wow Talk about having free time on your hands.
To actually write something like that is incredible but i just remember on the now defunct techtv on the gaming show x-play they had a Final Fantasy tribute and they did a report on fans of the music and this one guy (Possibly 17 or 16) was with his mom and when the orchestra (yes orchestra) started playing the theme for FF 10 , the guy started screaming like how the young girls did in those old movies of the beatles performing live, his mother must have been of the opinion at least hes not in a gang or doing drugs. :D
So i shouldn't really be surprised theres an essay on FF 7 storyline.

Jasede said:

http://uk.faqs.ign.com/articles/454/454384p1.html

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Uuugh.. Wha?!... Ahhh... Nevermind. The internet is a dark and scary place.

The Walkin' Dude said:

At least the setting is more interesting than the Sword Coast.

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Even flash games you find on the internet nowadays have better stories and settings than Sword Coast RPGs. This one, for example, puts you in the shoes of a diseased zombie guy trying to escape a nazi millitary force that is getting rid of all the witnesses, or something. A few steps forward from the traditional (Ancient evil + Chosen one * generic fantasy setting with elves = fail^2) formula.

You should be aware that a similar document on Final Fantasy 8 exists and is about three times that long, going it very long tangents as the Rinoa<->Ultimecia theory is debated, refuted, picked up again and tried to be proven and disproven with references to the game and exact moments of the CGI movies that may or may not contain hints to the truth.

Final Fantasy nerds are like Bible researchers.

Jasede said:

http://uk.faqs.ign.com/articles/454/454384p1.html

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the plot analysis guy said:

INTRODUCTION - I decided to write this guide after the amazing feedback I got
from writing a similar plot guide for the Tekken series.

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That was enough for me.

Tekken had a plot? :shock:

afewhours said:

You need to get a shot of Cloud doing his trademark *shrug*. Seeing that would probably kill half of the Codex.

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Dear god, that game looks so incredible horrific and ugly that it was almost able to eliminate and replace the picture of my bathing grandma in my head.
I was 15 and stepped into the not-closed bath. Oh the horror
Someone hug me. Please.... fast....