Update 00: The epic intro movie
And that's Final Fantasy 8's epic intro movie! Hope you liked it.
Update 01: The first update
Following the epic training fight, (detailed in
the uncut epic intro movie) where Squall and Seifer pretty much tried to split each others heads open, we find Final Fantasy's first foray in the "story begins with hero waking up"-cliché.
(A cliché that actually isn't much of a cliché if you've played more than just Chrono Trigger and Terranigma.)
This is Squall Leonhart. He's seventeen and a mercenary-in-the-making. He takes his job very seriously, doesn't like to talk all that much and apparently also fails to realize he's living on a tropical island. I mean, dude, what is up with all that leather? Nevertheless, he's actually a pretty cool guy and his outfit is one of the least horribly designed in jRPG history. Simplicity. Right next to godliness.
I'm actually entirely willing to contend that he might just be one of the best protagonists in the entire Final Fantasy-series. I know them's fighting words, but I have several excuses and I would even consider two of them to be kinda sorta really y'know good, but they're all pretty much stemming from the two facts 1; I don't like Cloud Strife and 2; Squall's not Cloud. Seriously, fuck Cloud. You wanna see an annoying emo jerkwad idiot fuck? Cloud's your guy. Squall's actually pretty chill compared to that guy, and over the course of the game I will prove this with more than just a severe manhandling of the english language. But for now, though, you may write flattering descriptions about my penis and/or how wrong I am when it comes to exactly everything.
The doctor's name is Doctor Kadowaki, I think. We're not going to see her too much other than for y'know plot and hey cards. It'll be great. For now though let's get out of bed.
So while Quistis hurries to our aid, Squall seem to ponder the situation he's in.
NOT EMO. SCAR HURTS. Got that?
Oh hey it's some random girl. Hey, random girl.
What?
Uh, okay.
Hey, there's Quistis.
Meet Quistis Trepe. Not exactly Van Halen music video material but I suppose she'll have to do. She's eighteen and our “instructor”. She carries a whip and have creepy stalkers called "Trepies" all over the school. People really like the sigh she makes upon seeing Squall in bed. Many fanfics have been generated because of it and I have masturbated furiously to them all. I am not at all ashamed to admit this.
Yeah, Squall and Seifer have a reputation. So what? Everyone loves a bad boy. Don't tell me you don't get off on it, lady!
Another jRPG cliché: it takes a woman to get the protagonist out of bed. (Again, counting at least Chrono Trigger, Terranigma and this game.)
Texting tutorial complete! We now know how to push [X] in order to make the text disappear! Following is a walking tutorial.
Press [DOWN] to walk together with Quistis!
Press [DOWN]+[X] to dodge infuriating questions while walking!
Get laughed at (automatic, no button) not just by Quistis but also by the two girls behind her. That is so not cool.
What's so funny?
Funny? No, no, it's not that! I'm just happy. I feel like I'm beginning to understand my student a little. That's all.
I'm more complex than you think.
Aren't we all? Anyway.
Then tell me. Tell me more about yourself.
It's none of your--
Business!
*sigh*
*hahahahaha*
Man, what's the problem with you girls?! No wonder homosexuality was invented. Fucking bitches!
So hey, this is Balamb Garden.
It's pretty cool.
I'd give you a tour but Squall's about to do it in a few, so...
Yup.
Welcome to Squall's classroom. It reminds me about a classroom I had. Once.
Let's start with today's schedule.
Oh yes, let's.
There seems to have been some rumors flying around since yesterday... Yes, the field exam for SeeD candidates will begin later this afternoon.
Crap!
Those not participating and those who failed last week's written test are to remain here in study hall. Field exam participants will have free time until the exam. Just be sure you're in top condition. Meet in hall at 1600 hours. I'll announce the team assignments there. Any questions?
Seifer is so mad he heils at her!
Field exam participants, I will see you all later.
Fuckcock! What did we do now?
Anyway, freedom! We can finally move around on our own, access the menu and... sit down and take a look at the school computer. Quistis can wait. She's busy getting her ass harassed by those creepy Trepies. Don't use the whip, girl! They like that!
So computer, whassup?
I understand completely.
This is the Balamb Garden Network. I'll say this right away that it's not at all important that you ever look at this, like ever, but I'll cover it anyway.
Tutorial unsurprisingly teaches you how to play the game, but later on the menu will become important for the sake of getting money. Logging in here for the first time gives you your first two Guardian Forces (but Quistis'll give them to you anyway so don't bother).
The Basics, About Garden & A Message From Garden is all lore. You can read up on the history of Balamb Garden, find out how magic works, what kind of rules you must follow in the Garden, how old you have to be in order to enlist and stuff like that. Depending on how cool you are, chances are this might not be very interesting. I have a feeling it's more useful to have this information if you're going to write fan fiction or something. The very few important things listed here will be explained as you play the game, but I'll transcribe it all if you guys want to read it for some reason.
Garden Square is Balamb Garden's very own general discussion where people discuss how delicious it is to eat hot dogs everyday. I wish we could have discussions like that. Oh wait, no I don't.
The School Festival Committee is hilariously abandoned since it turns out noone wanted to work on some stupid school festival bullshit, but this is going to change in just a few updates. Later in the game this section will be sort of interesting.
Anyway, that's it. Now let's turn off that godawful computer and save Quistis from her godawful fans.
You won't be able to take part in today's SeeD exam if you don't pass this prerequisite.
(I was gonna go this morning, but Seifer...)
Hm? Do you have a good excuse?
Not really.
Then let's get going. I'll be waiting at the front gate, so come down when you're ready.
Hell yeah! What do you think about that, groupies?
...right.
Uh huh.
It should be said he ends this pitiful dialogue box by stomping and snapping his fingers.
Too bad it wasn't retardiness.
Strolling down the hall, Squall hears a female voice announce how late she is.
As pictured above.
A few seconds later, he can also see that very someone announce how late she is.
As pictured above.
He decides to do the right thing by blocking her way.
As pictured above.
She bounces off of him.
As pictured above.
And falls on her ass, which prompts Squall to do the right thing; asking if she's alright.
As pictured ab- ok I'll stop.
This is Selphie. She's the first outright annoying (main) character in the game, and unfortunately Square decided that she would be excellent comic relief, as you guys just saw. Wasn't that just hilarious? We're gonna laugh even harder later in the game, just you wait!
Anyway, turns out she got lost inside this BIG MAZE that is Balamb Garden so she asks us to give her a tour. What the heck. Anything for pussy.
Okay, maybe not anything.
I'll take you to this big, (almost) entirely unmissable map we have at the entrance. Why does this remind me about Caius Cosades?
On our way to the elevator we stop to talk some random guy. He's giving away some cards he got from his brother. Final Fantasy 8 continues the tradition of minigames by introducing Triple Triad, a card game that would see action at least one more time (in 9). Hey, another reason why FF8 is one of the better Final Fantasies; only one minigame, and it's entirely optional too!
Oh well.
I don't even want to know how you missed it.
Balamb Garden is pretty big. It's a good idea to check where you want to go, and select it here.
I have a question!
No, you do not. Consider yourself overruled.
You'll find the dormitory to the north. A majority of the students live in the dorms. There aren't too many students who commute.
Yeah, I'm in the dorms too!
You can rest and change in there. West of the north block is the cafeteria. There's always a big rush for the hot dogs. You better get used to waiting in line.
Got it!
East of the north block is the parking lot. We usually take the Garden car when a mission comes up.
The front gate is located to the south... (That's right, I have to go meet Instructor Trepe at the front gate.)
Hm? What's the matter?
Nothing. Next, we have the Quad. Located in the west block. There's an event being planned there...
I know! I know! It's the Garden Festival! It's going to be great! I'm planning to be on the committee. You wanna help out too!?
Let's just continue. South of the west block is the infirmary. This is where you get treated for injuries, but a lot of students just come here for advice. On the east block, there's the training center. It's the only facility open at night. It's used for training and they have real monsters running loose there. If you don't take it seriously, you may end up dead. Be careful.
(gulp) ...okay.
South of the east block is the library. There's a lot of material you can look up there, but the terminals in the classrooms are a lot more efficient. And you already know about the classroom on the second floor, right?
Yeah, I remember!
Alright. By the way, the headmaster's office is located on the third floor. You need permission to get in. His name is Cid Kramer. There's a rumor going around that he was an astronaut in an earlier life.
Cool!
Yeah.
Then maybe I'll see you again, later. I've already finished my training at my previous Garden. I'm taking the SeeD exam today. Good luck to both of us, huh?
Fuck you.
In the next exciting episode, we take a closer look around Balamb Garden before finally meeting Quistis at the front gate for a quickie inside a cave.
