This FF8 LP is totally dead.

[Crooked Bee]

What, totally dead!?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I moved recently.
I lost my discs.
Don't know where I lost them.
Probably in a cardboard box.
Lots of cardboard boxes.
Might have to torrent them.
The discs I mean.
Not the cardboard boxes.

In the meantime, read one of the good lps instead. Thread will resurrect when Stalin stops taking it in the butthole.

 

[anus_pounder]

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Welcome back.


Update 15: Let's get the fuck out of Timber!

Since you guys (but mostly just Zell and Seifer) messed up our brilliant Timber op...

............

...we have to stay away from Timber for a while. Is there a safe place you can take me?

.............

This is an order, an order from your client, remember?

........alright...

YAY!!!!!

........is it really so goddamn strange that I prefer to be alone and don't want to work with or be friends with these goddamn morons ever?

No, Squall. I understand completely.

And so do we.

Totally!

Thanks, guys.

Come over to my place until things settle down.

.....c-cafeteria lady....?

I appreciate it. Thank you.

Cafeteria laaaaadyyyy....

We can't. We have to get out of this town.

What are you waiting for, Squall? Come on!

I'm the squad leader....

Hot dogs....

Come on!

.....please somebody kill me.

Hot dooo—oww!! what the he—

Shut the fuck up!

Thanks, chief.

Chief?

She's the leader of the 'Forest Fox'. Almost everyone's a resistance member in this town. But right now, we're the only ones that are really active.

...alright, whatever.

Let's stay here for a-- what the hell is Zell doing!?

..hot dogs?

...

I think... he came to help us, the 'Forest Owls'. I talked about it a lot with him. So please... don't think too badly of him.

SUDDENLY!

Anybody in here!?

What is this!? I have two small children in there. Don't do anything to frighten them! (Upstairs, hurry!)

AND SO THE GANG WENT UPSTAIRS TO CONTINUE THEIR RIVETING CONVERSATION!

He was so angry when he found out it was only the three of you dispatched to Timber. He was all like—

WHAT!? THEY MIGHT END UP FIGHTING THE ENTIRE GODDAMN GALBADIAN FORCE! AND ALL YOU DISPATCH IS THREE ROOKIE SEEDS!? DAMMIT! I'M GOING TO TIMBER!

That's totally Seifer.

I never would have guessed he was serious about it.

(That guy is always serious. You should know that by now...)

(sigh) What's going to happen to Seifer?

He's probably dead.

How can you be so casual? I feel... sorry for him.

Hehehehehe...

What's so funny!? You're terrible! And, and---- okay, seriously, what is Zell doing?

Masturbating. I don't know.

Hot dogs?

So why do you think Seifer might already be dead, Squall?

(Because...)

The president of Galbadia and the sorceress joined forces. Seifer attacked the president. It's no surprise Seifer may have been killed because of it.

Even so! I still hope he's alive.

(Reality is not so kind. Everything doesn't work out the way you want it to. That's why...)

As long as you don't get your hopes up, you can take anything... You feel less pain. Anyway, whatever wish you have is none of my business.

You're mean.

I am SO not banging her.

You are SO going to have to.

I'm with Squall here. Rinoa is not even nearly hot enough to justify being this batshit retarded.

Look, it's in the script. I'm telling you don't have a choice here, son. Now apologize to her.

Yeah, maybe you'll score some points with the others.

This game doesn't have have amusement park date mechanics.

......

Sorry.

And this game actually DARES to call itself the sequel to the greatest game of all time!

......

Sorry.

Hiya! The Galbadian forces are withdrawing. Only the soldiers normally stationed here will stick around. If you're gonna leave town, now's your chance. You know how persistent those soldiers can be.

Alright.

(We have to get out of here first.)

Getting out is only the first step.

What do you mean?

Garden Code, Article 8, line 7.

(8:7..... In the event that returning to the assigned Garden is not possible, report to the nearest Garden.)

Head for the nearest Garden.

Very good!

Gold star, Squall!

Who's a good boy? Who's a good boooooy??

From here, that would be Galbadia Garden.

We can take the train from here and get off at East Academy station.

From there, we have to go through the forest west of the station to get to Galbadia Garden. I've been there several times. We should be ok.

Why is he going with Rinoa and Quistis?

Maybe he has some murder sex suicide pact with Quistis and they're gonna kill Rinoa, have a threesome and kill each other?

I wish. I'm really just taking them because Rinoa is my client and Quistis is not Zell or Selphie.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

But you're gonna follow your uncle Kief's advice now, right? Because that's so much better than actually doing anything else.

Not really.

Pussy.

The gang go outside and SUDDENLY there's a guard!

I like how everyone except Squall goes into battle stance.

Squall's badass. He's just, yeah, what you gon' do, girlfriend!?

.....

Yeah, what you gon' do, girlfriend!?

Never do that again.

Are you done? It's just that dumbfuck Watts guy.

*snaps fingers*

.....I hate you.

I got info! Almost all the trains have left already!

That sucks!

Yeah, but--

The one we're getting on hasn't.

Precisely, sir!

How lucky!

And convenient.

You're going too, right, Rinoa?

Yes.

You'll take good care of our princess, right, sir?

Yeah, don't worry. Client's orders. How about you, are you going to be alright?

Don't worry about me! I'll go gather more info, sir!

They're saluting each other.

How nauseating.

Stay safe, Watts...

(sigh) I hope we don't meet that other asshole.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU---

Zone!

You need to get to East Academy right? There are no more tickets left.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU---

Don't worry! I got everyone's ticket right here! Here, one for you. Three for you SeeD people, I'll give them to your leader.

Tha--

He means me. I'm the leader.

Oh, right. Sorry.

No, it's not. It's for Quistis. Give it to her.

But I...

GIVE-IT-TO-HER.

Take it.

I can't take it. It's yours.

FUCKING TAKE THE TICKET SO WE CAN LEAVE THIS TOWN, YOU DUMB WHORE!

Thank you, Zone.

No problem, miss--

Oh for fuck's sake.

Hurry! The train's leaving!

Zone, we're going to see each other again, right? No matter what, you have to survive. We have to liberate Timber together, remember?

I know, I know. I'll go... hide in a bathroom or something. Now git!

And git they did.

Alright, we-

Open up!

...made it--

Open up open up open up open uuuuuuuup!!

......

Dude! Come on!

(Better let her have her way.)

There. It's open now.

Tee-hee! Thanks!

Blow me.

So... Squall, you were saying something?

Yeah, it's not important, but.... We made it.

I have to thank Zone for that.

I'll keep that in mind.

I'm sure Quistis is just rolling her eyes at that shit.

She totally is.

Like "yeah, I'll keep that in mind... little girl."

Totally.

So fucking what if the guy is reading fucking porn mags? I mean, what the shit does that have to do with anything?

Absolutely nothing!

Quistis' gonna ride Zone's dick so hard!

So hard she'll grind him into fine powder!

Totally!

High five, Kief!

High five, Olly!

We failed the mission and now we're wanted for the attempted assassination of president Deling of Galbadia. We're the best mercenaries in the world!

Let's check up on Selphie and Zell. God I hate writing their names.

Selphie is still cheerful and singing nonsense about trains.

Zell is depressed because he doomed his entire country and everyone he loves to be hunted down and killed by the galbadian military.

Get over it, you wuss!

Now, we COULD continue on with the rest of the game and head over to Galbadia Garden...

BUT we're not gonna! We have shit to do over in Dollet!

Do we really?

Yes, and I'm going to leave it to you two.

How come we're always getting roped into doing the optional shit?

Hey, Kief.

Yeah?

Kief.

Yeah?

Listen to me, Kief.

What!?

This is important.

Is it?

The readers depend on you and Colin to get this shit done, Kief.

Fine. Let them. I don't give a fuck.

Don't worry, man. I'll handle this.

Alright, cool.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF FINAL FANTASY VIII...

What!? No!

FIND OUT WHAT HORRIFYINGLY HORRIBLE HORROCRUX HORRORS AWAIT FAMOUS AND HANDSOME ACTORS COLIN FARRELL AND KIEFER SUTHERLAND!

Goddammit.

IN POST G-DAY DOLLET!!!

....graduation day?

TO BE CONTINUED!

Might wanna wait a while before changing the thread title, mods. Who knows how long this'll take.

 

[Cassidy]

Now all we need is for Stereotypical Villain to melt the Ice from the Prisoner.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

And if he don't, well, I've been toying with the idea to steal Prisoner of Ice from him for a long time.

 

[laclongquan]

You've gone a long way from the innocent days of yore, horsie!

 

[RK47]

Fucking. Amazing. Resurrection. Horse.

 

[SCO]

I've played this game. Three times.

 

[spekkio]

Squal Abides

 

[hello friend]

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

Prisoner of Gnägg

And if he don't, well, I've been toying with the idea to steal Prisoner of Ice from him for a long time.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Much love to my horse-bro.

 

[Coyote]

Fuck yeah! Andyman's back in business!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I've played this game. Three times.

If I could brofist that post three times, I would.

Here are the other two:

edit: Before I go, the next update-- "Colin and Kiefer duke it out in the Dukedom of Dollet feat. Dave Mustaine" --will be p. late because of my celebration of the Jesus Christ Superdupermegastar. I KNOW. SHIT SUX. I'm sure you'll manage. It'll be up wednesday, if not tuesday or earlier depending on when I get back home. After that though, my goal is TOTALLY to try and have weekly updates. Maybe not the longest updates but updates at least. Whatever. That's the plan. We'll see how it goes. Maybe Volourn drags me into an alley and murders me with a screwdriver or something. Anything's possible. Fucking canadians, man.

 

[hello friend]

Fucking Volourn, man.

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

I must know what happens to effeminate scarface!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

It's still wednesday where I am.

Welcome to Optional Shit #1: Optional Shit #1

Welcome back to Dollet!

We've been here before?

Yeah. I mean, no, not exactly, WE haven't been here. Last time THE READERS saw this place, the heroes were fighting against a bunch of galbadian soldiers and a huge mechanical spider.

Should have brought in Will Smith for this one.

Looks like a nice town.

I like how they can't stick with a theme. They start out with a fucking medieval castle entrance, then it becomes some sort of Monaco-like city with steampunk steam machines all over, and then the inside is..... normal.

Normal. Yeah. I guess.

Was there really a war here? Don't seem like it left much of an impression, or, well, anything really.

No, there's just some debris from the robo spider and some girl crying about her dead mom.

How sad.

Sure. Breaks my heart. What are we doing here?

I'm checking gamefaqs.

See if there's a gameshark code for "beat the game" we can enter.

There isn't.

Check it.

No.

CHECK IT.

Look, I know there's no code like that!

CHECK IT.

Let's just check every house and see if something happens. Look, there's one right there.

CHECK IT.

I so wish we could uncheck it.

Dude, you don't even know what's going on.

Yeah I do. Something retarded.

I'm going to guess what this sidequest is about.

Go ahead.

The old dude is a painter and the boy is his grandson.

Don't quit your counter-terrorist uniting-day job.

So anyway.

All ears.

The kid paints bones somewhere on his grandfather's paintings.

Sounds reasonable. Well, it doesn't really, but... yeah.

Yeah, yeah, so because the paintings motive is a location in the city, I bet that there's some kind of x-marks-the-spot-kinda deal going on.

Hmm...

So the bone marks the spot?

Yeah. What do you think?

Worth a shot.

Mm.

Well, let's go then.

Should we comment on anything these people say?

We'll never stop talking if we do.

'Cuchi-cuchi-coo' sounds sinister.

Let's just speedrun this bitch.

That's certainly a hint if I ever saw it.

Final Fantasy 8. Integrated UHS system.

Fucking abbreviations, Kief.

CIA. FBI. CTU. PMS.

STD.

Hell yeah!

Here's a bar and casino thing.

According to Gamefaqs, there's a Timber Maniacs magazine here.

Alright. Done.

Also there's a guy right next to it that will give us cool stuff if we beat him at cards.

Alright.

I have a feeling that this is one of them funny guys.

You're correct. This is one of those annoying comic relief characters.

Fantastic.

Luckily, he's never seen or heard from again.

That's because I will murder him the moment we're done here.

I have a hard time believing people "depend on us" to do this shit.

Well, at least we're not playing.

We're not playing? But then... who is playing?

Why, I'm playing, of course!

Dave Mustaine!?

Sure.

But why?

Why not?

That's fucking good enough for me!

But..

But why, Colin! BUT. WHY.

FINE.

Have you boys met Jesus?

I hope he's not gonna be a regular.

Are you saying you want Al Wright, God, Flappyjack and Bubbles to come in instead?

Hey, man, you know that any Metallica song ever that doesn't suck and isn't on their Garage Inc. cover album?

....

I wrote it. Even years before they wrote it.

Well?

I'm still thinking.

Of course, when I say they wrote it...

You mean that they stole it, yeah we gotcha.

Dave Mustaine, what are we doing in this room?

There's one item we need to pick up.

Do we have to play cards?

No, we just have to click on this pile of books a lot until we get it.

Acceptable.

Done!

Amazing. Anything else?

We can talk to the man again.

Let's not.

He just want to give us a bunch of cards.

Why?

Says it's because we're the second, well, SQUALL is the second to come in and beat his ass at cards, so he should have a prize.

Are the cards any good?

Nope.

Figured. So who was this other guy?

He's mentioned in this diary over here. Let's see...

I'm confused about that "won a lot" thing. Did he win a lot from this Lag-guy or did Lag-guy win a lot from him? The way I understand everything else, the Lag-guy beat the guy at cards.

He did. This is just a translation fuck-up, I think.

I guess. Well, whatever. Lag is obviously Laguna, right?

Probably.

Probably. What was he doing here?

Well, he did say he wanted to become a traveling journalist.

Yeah, he did, didn't he. Welcome back, by the way.

Thanks. So Laguna probably went on a journey all over the world.

That can't be good. Dave, anything else in this room?

Not unless you want to read about how the old dude met the love of his life and losing her and shit.

Yeah, we definitely don't want to do that.

Moving on then.

Shouldn't we talk to the Queen of Cards?

That's exactly what we're gonna do.

Blah-blah-blah she says she gave the MiniMog card to her son and if she gets her hands on a Kiros card (try Deling City) she can make a Sacred card.

We done?

We done.

Bone quest!

Watch me do a Squall impression!

Blow me.

Eh? Eh!?

Authentic.

Hey, there's that dog.

So what's the reward?

Reward?

It's gotta be something awesome, right.

Well...

...

Yeah.

I guess this is only the first of many treasure hunts in Dollet?

Yeah.

Will the.... treasures...... become more valuable?

......yeah?

........

........

......I see.

Maybe it's best if we just fast-forward this quest?

I'm going home!

Kief, wait!

[>>]

Is it over? Is it safe to come out?

Yes. All done.

Alright, I trust youAIIIIEEE!!

You fucking told me it was over!

Dave is just winning back the MiniMog card from the kid.

We need to get out of here, Colin! This is a stupid town full of stupid!

There's just one little thing.

What!?

I've checked you two into the hotel so you can sleep for a week.

...

What do you think, Kief?

Room service, Colin?

Room service, Kief.

I'll leave the two of you alone.

Thanks, Dave Mustaine!

No sweat. Just don't forget to grab the Timber Maniacs magazine. And... well, don't listen to the staff.

Why not?

Oh sweet merciful ghost of Ronnie James Dio!

I'm sure the room service doesn't speak like that.

It better not.

Have fun!

Bye!

...................LATER THAT DAY

What are we doing in Dollet, Squall?

Look! Timber Maniacs magazine!

Did you forget where we're going?

Magazine!

Man, you guys are the worst mercenaries in the world!

I'm going to have to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuu!


TO BE CONTINUED!

 

[SCO]

IIRC, you can do parts of that inane hidden object game when you are assaulting the town.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

IIRC U DRC.

IIRC, that is.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Inaaaaa~nity
Is such a lonely word

 

[RK47]

wow that looks so unfun that i wondered how i finished the pc version before. i must've finished the game by spamming some hypershot or some shit.

 

[laclongquan]

No you cant. The only quest you did during that assault is NOT talkee to your mates.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

wow that looks so unfun that i wondered how i finished the pc version before. i must've finished the game by spamming some hypershot or some shit.

FUN FACT: First time I played FF8 I downloaded a save file right at the final boss as soon as I was done with the graduation mission. The save file had been hacked to have all spells and unlimited HP and MP. I beat the shit out of Ultimecia and watched the ending and, honestly, I didn't miss ANYTHING by jumping ahead. That's how I first beat FF8 and I don't regret it. In more ways than one, Locue was a lot smarter than Andyman Messiah. But at least I'm honest, unlike that Louce guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck him right in the masturbation.

How about wednesday. I think it's time to dream about Laguna again.

 

[RK47]

wow that looks so unfun that i wondered how i finished the pc version before. i must've finished the game by spamming some hypershot or some shit.

FUN FACT: First time I played FF8 I downloaded a save file right at the final boss as soon as I was done with the graduation mission. The save file had been hacked to have all spells and unlimited HP and MP. I beat the shit out of Ultimecia and watched the ending and, honestly, I didn't miss ANYTHING by jumping ahead. That's how I first beat FF8 and I don't regret it. In more ways than one, Locue was a lot smarter than Andyman Messiah. But at least I'm honest, unlike that Louce guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck him right in the masturbation.

How about wednesday. I think it's time to dream about Laguna again.

I should do that with Emotional Engagement as well.