This FF8 LP is totally dead.

It appears the horse is not planning to update soon.

So, post more comics.

Bitte.

I'm afraid only the power of LIONHEART can save us now, this thread has sat in decline for too long. Hurry, my brother!

I will try and hold off the decline while we wait for LIONHEART!



...

Crap, time for plan B.

Good job in ruining LP.

Post old comics, the new ones are all bad. Fucking bionic animals? GTFO

Tails said:

Good job in ruining LP.

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You better update your LP often or the same thing might happen there.

So is this a Deus Ex 3 LP?

Cool.

That was one epically pointless "featuring the JLA!"

Ok, now the other guy needs to post the rest of the lion comics.

It seems the horse has forsaken the LIONHEART.

Don't do it horsie! We need it! We need more LIONHEART!

Andyman Messiah said:

Fuck you.

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Fuck yeah man. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck them all. Fuck this shit. You've been betrayed. By who? By History of course. All the time... this terrible. Then you wake and why. Why do I step out of bed today. And then I do. And then I don't. And then fuck this. But then I remember. I have something to hate today. Or something to love. It's all the same bullshit, but it makes you move right? So fuck you.

Serious_Business said:

Andyman Messiah said:

Fuck you.

Click to expand...

Fuck yeah man. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck them all. Fuck this shit. You've been betrayed. By who? By History of course. All the time... this terrible. Then you wake and why. Why do I step out of bed today. And then I do. And then I don't. And then fuck this. But then I remember. I have something to hate today. Or something to love. It's all the same bullshit, but it makes you move right? So fuck you.

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Kiss me out of the bearded barly nightly beside the green green grass swing swing (swing swing) swing the spinning step you wear those shoes and i will wear that dress ooooh kiss me

And this thread was ruined when I posted the first update. Notice how it says "welcome to a trainwreck" on the first page? Yeah, it's that kind of thread. I'm just taking a time-out. Lionheart will resume... later!

Yea, in case people don't remember some FF7 LP updates were long coming, but they were always worth the wait.

Sehr gut.

Now it is time for pride of baghdad.

We need some LIONHEART to brighten up our dark and weary days.

:evil:

MOAR LIONHEART.

Posting in a soon to be dead LP.

CrimHead said:

Posting in a soon to be dead LP.

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Don't know. Andyman pulled this on more than a couple of occasions with FF7, too. He even claimed that that LP was abandoned at least once. He'll come back, they always come back to the Lionheart.

I BELIEVE IN YOU, ANDYMAN MESSIAH

Don't worry, lads. We'll have a pretty gay time soon.

whosaprrtygrrrlthen

Too bad we have to keep bumping away from these goddamn comics. But a fresh new page brings new opportunities!

Oh glorious horse, we beg of you: Let the light of the lionheart shine on us once again.

Update 05 part two: Update 06

When we last left off we had a war to fight and then we saw a bunch of soldiers soldiering their soldiery asses up to some kind of tower and we thought it would be cool to see what the fuck they were up to so here we go and also there's some scanlines and smoothing and unsmoothing and some other irregularities but I don't care.



The bridge. This is where I grind those darn one hundred billion dollars!!!!! required kills you need for a perfect rank. The G-joes come in ones and threes here which means that it'll take slightly less forever. Also look at that moon. Whoa, that's some moon. Moon on, moon! Moon on.

Mooning on, we encounter several wounded Dollet soldiers. We can't talk to them, perfect rank and all, but if we move up a little we'll find one who'll talk to us! Isn't that swell? I sure hope he has a good reason! Other than being fatally wounded, that is.



Don't worry. We're SeeD candidates. We've been dispatched by Garden.

Yeah, one thing that always bugged me is how everyone says “Garden” and not “the Garden”. It's like “Garden” is some fucking living entity or something and not, in fact, the place where they all live and grow up to be pretty... SeeDs? Hey, that's another thing that bugs me! Shouldn't it be FloweRs or some shit? I don't know a lot of things but I do know you plant seeds in a garden and they'll grow up to be flowers and stuff eventually if you take care of them. They're not supposed to stay as seeds! In fact, that's what you want the absolute least! Seeds are like no fucking progress at all! Shit, did anyone think this through?! So goddamn angry... Alright, go on.

So what's going on up there?
The Galbadian soldiers have entered the Communication Tower. On top of that... that place has always been a nesting ground for monsters. If you guys are goin' up there, be caref...



I had a joke about tentacle rape planned here, but I realized there's just no way you can make a joke about a joke. It's like wiping your ass with shit. Why would you wipe your ass with shit? Please don't answer that. Here's a huge snake.



Hehehehe... huge snake...

So I suppose you can all see how my grand grind adventure has affected our hero quite a bit. Yup. Also: Seifer is really great at taking shits. There's no penalty if he gets his ass kicked. So kick the shit out of him.

So where were we now, oh right the huge snake gets strangled and

Monsters, huh?
That sucks.
More fun for us. Come on...



I find it extremely distasteful that Square made Zell the voice of reason. I mean, what the hell, Square. What the HELL?! Eh, whatever. I'm tired. From now on we'll encounter monsters as well as G-joes, which is cool, I suppose. I mean, who cares? Monsters? Foreigners? Same, same.

We come to this... I dunno, mini-cliff.



Let's see what's those wacky G's are up to!

The generator is up and running!
No problem with the boosters!

...the hell they doing?

Cable disconnection confirmed! Beginning exchange process!
Roger!

Repairs...?



This must be your first real battle. You scared?

YOU FUCKING SLICED OPEN MY FUCKING FOREHEAD WITH A HUGE FUCKING SWORD AND I SPENT MOST OF FUCKING TODAY FUCKING UNCONSCIOUS IN THE FUCKING INFIRMARY AND THEN I FUCKING HAD TO FUCKING KILL A FUCKING FIRE DEVIL ALMOST FUCKING IMMEDIATELY AFTER AND NOW I'M FUCKING STUCK ON A RETARDED FUCKING MISSION WITH A RETARDED IDIOT AND AN IDIOTIC RETARD!! So, yes, as a matter of fact, I am a little scared.

I don't know. I try not to think about it.
I love battles. I fear nothing. The way I look at it, as long as you make it out of a battle alive, you're one step closer to fulfilling your dream.
What!? Your dream?
You have one too, right?
Sorry, but I'm gonna pass on that subject.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass on that subject because it's fucking retarded! What is this shit about dreams all of a sudden?



I bet Zell's dream involves sausages. Sausages of every kind filling every hole. Lots of ketchup.

Mind your own business.

Yeah! Dream talk is for cool kids only, you wussy chicken you!

Frickin' hell!
What's the matter, Zell? Swatting flies?



Off he goes.



Yeah, Zell enjoys punching the ground when he gets upset. It's not at all unlike what I do when things take a turn for the worse in games.



DRAGON FIRE PUNCH!! Holy shit, there's a hole in my floor now! Things must have taken a turn for the worse! I wonder what...



Oh crap.




It's Selphie! Falling. But not getting hurt. (God damn it.)



You know what they say: a good dose of stupid rarely comes without a shot of annoying. And hey, there's some *hawt* semi-pantyshot, I guess.



Say hello to Selphie, or Zell-Fi as I like to call her.



She's a mixed bag of fucknuggets. Let's leave it at that for the moment.

Wait a minute... You're the guy who showed me around, right!? Thanks! I don't get so lost anymore. Oh yeah, I haven't told you my name yet.
No need. Andyman spoiled it in the first update.
What a douchefuck! Well, I'll do it anyway just for the sake of sakeness! I'm a messenger. Name's Selphie, from Squad A. Take me to your leader.
What?
Uh, the squad captain. Seifer, right? Where is he?

SUDDENLY!



Hmm...



There he is.
One of these days I'm gonna tell ya 'bout my ROMANTIC dream!



Well, can you really say sudden shit about romantic dreams and then NOT run away laughing like a supervillain? Think about it.

(sigh) This sure is tough... Captain! Wait up!



Holy shit she just jumped off a fucking cliff!! Bitch is crazy!! Damn!!



Sorry, but no, we're gonna take the road. See, jumping off the cliff here deals a blow to your future FloweR rank. Something to do with dignity, I think.



Runnin'...



...Much quicker? Pu-lease... ...You wouldn't normally jump off a cliff, okay!? Ain't that right, Squall?
...Yeah, I guess so. You wouldn't normally jump that.
Hmm... I don't know... Well, anyway. Let's get goin'. Has everyone equipped a GF? You haven't forgotten... Have you?

Another huge hint about that one goddamn plot twist. Reading up on GFs on the computer you'll find out that using GFs comes with certain side effects. Too bad nobody can remember what they are. (Haha, I crack myself up!)

Hey, tower.



Sure is. Well, I guess we better bust on in and find Kie I mean Seifer. Knowing him, he's probably cleaning shit up.




Or chasing shit out.



There he is, Selphie. Inform him of your message!

HEEEY!

...or just shriek like a fucking banshee.



HEEEY! Don't walk away from me! HEEEY!



Holy cucumber, shut up!



GODDAMMIT.

Did he go up?

Only one way to find out! While Squall and his unlovable fucktards ride the elevator let's cut to the introduction of yet ANOTHER comedy relief duo!



It's Lieutenant Wedge and Major Biggs! Another stupid installment of Final Fantasy's recurring Star Wars homage. In FF7, we had the luck of watching them die horrible deaths. In FF8, we're going to stay with them until the bitter end of disc 3. Hell yeah, it's going to be great!

There has been a report of a monster-shaped shadow on top of the tower. Major Biggs? Are you listening?
Be quiet! I'm busy! This goes like this... and... Geez, what's with these crappy old tools? And... and... Why do I have to make all the repairs!? AHHH!!!
Sir, I'll check around while the repairs are being done.
Whatever. Let's see... Hmm.... Put this here.... and.... This goes here... and...



Right on time, motherfucker!

So yes, the communication tower is repaired. Rejoice.



Fans.



Stuff.



Satelites.



Squall, his hair and some glowing stuff.



The biggest satelite.



The glowiest thing on the biggest satelite. Possibly some sort of death pulse ion ray cannon.



In short, the gay paradest tower in history is back online! Yay. Now let's get back to business.



I think I saw a screwdriver fall down.
Shut up.
Screwdriver!



H-Hey! What happened to all the soldiers down below!?
They probably don't know how to call the elevator.
WEDGE! Take care of these twerps!!!



It's so sad.



Poor, lonely Sergeant Biggs...

Well... ah... I seem to be done here, so I'll just be on my... I'm leaving!... Move it! Move! Move!

BUT SUDDENLY AS POOR, LONELY SERGEANT BIGGS REACHES THE ELEVATOR!



Holy shit, that Seifer came outta nowhere!




Man, Seifer is so cool. I bet he's going to be a really cool villain!

So. Fight with Biggs, with Wedge showing up after a while. Wedge gets a severe pay deduction for being absent and nobody really finds that funny. Eventually Biggs and Wedge gets blown off the tower by an easily defeated wasp/bat/duck hybrid with a Siren inside and Squall takes a huge bite out of his own arm, no really.



He eats his own arm. That's badass.

Anyway, how about that message, huh?



I bet it's important.

S'cuze me! I have new orders!

New orders, huh?

All FloweR members and FloweR candidates are to withdraw at 1900 hours. Assemble at shore.
Withdraw!? There are still enemies around!
I know, but I'm just a messenger.

I don't care. Shoot her.

An order to withdraw takes priority. I don't want to miss the vessel.
What time'd you say?
Like I said...! All CarroT members and CarroT candidates are to withdraw at 1900 hours. Assemble at the shore!
1900 hours... We only have 30 minutes!

Oh snap.



Double snap.



And off he goes. Man, Seifer's such a fucking dick.

Heeey! Wait for us!
Who the hell does he think he is!?
Why don't you ask him?

HEEEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, 30 minutes to get out of here and run all the way back to the vessels. Can it be done? Find out in the next exciting update of Let's wait patiently for Andyman to update his shitty jrpg thread! No, I'm just kidding, we're gonna wrap this up right now real quick.

Those of you with special eagle vision should have noticed Biggs behind Seifer. You should also have noticed Biggs' remote control thing next to Squall. Yeah, let's watch as Biggs put it to some fucking good use, eh?



And prepare the Yakety Sax!



....shit.



Time limit + annoying mini-boss = seriously easy.
Time limit + annoying mini-boss + getting the best grade = also easy.

Alright, to get the perfect grade we need to get to that fucking beach in 5 minutes or less, and we need to save a dog. This is perfectly doable. It is also perfectly doable to defeat the spidertank, and it adds one level to your rank if you do so, but seeing as how the mission ends I've always considered it as an out of place thing to do. Not to mention stupid. I mean, these are games where you should avoid enemies as much as possible, not running into them! What kind of bullshit is that? So we're gonna run and do this shit properly. Here we go.



So we fight the spidertank, it breaks down and we escape. This is the only time you're actually allowed to fight this walking buttscratcher. The rest of the time, you're gonna have to AVOID it. It's easier done than written, actually, and if you have trouble I will find you and castrate a dog in front of you, and then I'll tell the dog you're the one who gave the order and every dog on the planet will rise against you. So don't have trouble avoiding spidertanks, you sick son of a bitch.

So we run down, left, walk down, run right, left, right, down, oh hey dog.



We talk to the dog. This prompts him to run the fuck away from the spidertank. Good dog. You lose ten points if you don't save him. So save him. Like on that show Smallville.

OHSAAAAAEEEVMEEE!!

*gunshot*

More running. You'll notice that Selphie and Zell start running on their own at this point, and that they appear ten meters in front of Squall. You will also notice the spidertank fucking up a car.



Yup. That car sure got fucked up by the spidertank.



Hey, wait for your goddamn leader, fuckcunts!



...fuck.

Cutscene!



Squall landing after the spidertank knocks him.



The spidertank watching as Squall gets up.



Squall running from spidertank.



Your new wallpaper if you find it in better resolution.



Squall running from spidertank (again).



Squall making a... jump? Flying? He tries to get to the vessel. Good lord, look at that teeth.



Quistis shooting Squall down.



Well, ok, no, but it would not have shocked me if she had.



Damn.



All of a sudden it's muthafuckin warrior woman Quistis. You know, this scene would've been cool, but knowing that we're never going to see her this badass again it's just so sad. In just a few minutes (in the game, that is) you're going to hate Quistis more than anything. And no, I don't think that's a spoiler. Nobody expects anything badass from these characters. Nobody. I've done a poll.



Yeah, just firing bullets. So fucking boring.



Finally. SPIDERTANK DEFEATED! Now fuck off back home to Balamb. I've seriously run out of steam.



Squall with closed eyes. Or orgasming. I've come to understand that it's pretty much the same thing.



Mission complete!


NEXT TIME: We play cards with Zell's mom! Squall, Zell and Selphie graduate! Seifer doesn't! Squall holds up a wall at a groovy party! Hypnotism makes white boys dance! Also Quistis turns out to be one of the most emoest characters that ever emoed! And Squall doesn't give a shit about anything! It's going to be awesome! See you in a month!

Thank you, o mighty Wyrmlord, for this here update.

Your increasing graphicwhorism was noted...

spekkio said:

Thank you

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Thank you.

o mighty Wyrmlord

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I take it back.

Hey Wyrmlord, thanks for picking up Horsie's LP! Good update and you imitated his style really, really well!