Let's Smite Some Ragheads as the Knights of Rhodes!

[jonnypolen]

I am in awe!

 

[Hellraiser]

Too bad there are still muslims in unreachable parts of Asia. Unless you manage to force them to convert as part of a peace treaty or something.

Still bro.

 

[Nex]

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

While the ferocity of the Order wins it victory against its foreign neighbors, the enterprise of the Order wins it new land in Africa. Although certainly not vital, the colonies have proven to be very valuable assets, so the Grandmaster does not need any convincing to provide funding for further colonial expeditions and settlements.

A look at the European great powers. Presumably i am not on the list because it's either AI only or because of my shitty administration. I'm somewhat confused as to what the numbers mean precisely, but i can tell that Russia and Spain are allied.

Despite the immense cost (seriously, what the hell?) a military academy is established for the Knightly officer class. I notice that the benefits are temporary. Does the military academy just fall apart after a set period of time?

Despite his intense hatred of the Order, the Pope decides to negotiate an increase in the royal patronage of the Jesuit order in the Ethiopian colonies.

The first goal to the eradication of the Islamic faith is to destroy any connection to its birthplace. This means a conquest and total conversion of Arabia. The Grandmaster declares war on the Omani Sultan, with the intention of completely annexing the Arab state in the next war.

They don't stand much of a chance. The attrition will be the killer here.

In a very close naval battle, the Moroccan fleet is sent crying home to their Sultan.

The Order can always use more sand and angry nomads!

The Moroccan and Algieran forces link up in Gafsa. This army is large enough to give the Order general pause for thought. Instead of direct confrontation, a divide et impera strategy is used. Past defeats fresh in his mind, the Sultan of Algiers accepts a white peace. With half the army returning home, the Berber force instantly becomes isolated and vulnerable.

The day is won, but any conquest of Algiers will have to wait for a decade or so.

The second Omani army is routed. They would have been better off if they had combined their armies, avoided direct battle and used the attrition rate to their advantage. Unfortunately that would make for an interesting and challenging war, so instead they divide their armies into two parts, refuse to withdraw and get tastelessly raped.

The Grandmaster makes good progress down the Persian gulf, but as you can see the combination of attrition and high level forts is pretty brutal.

The Moroccan fleet tastes a further defeat. The battle is won off the coast of Tunisia. Several well built if outdated Berber ships are captured.

With his army mauled by attrition and weary from the constant bitter fighting, the Grandmaster feels he has used up his initiative. The rest of Oman could be occupied, but there would be no point to it, and it would be very slow.

The Grandmaster settles for the northern Omani land, formerly belonging to the Sultans of Haasa before annexation by the Omani Sultan.

The fleet moves to blockade Morocco and force them to accept peace. If possible the destruction of their fleet would also be very helpful in case of a future war with the Berber states.

Unfortunately, a major mistake is made by the admiralty. To effectively blockade all of Morocco the fleet is divided. This allows the Moroccan fleet to achieve victory. A bold young blockade squadron leader manages to turn the tables back in the Order's favor, by attacking the weary Moroccan fleet immediately after their victory. The main fleet recovers swiftly from the defeat and returns to help. The battle for the Moroccan coast is won.

A counter raid is financed to avenge the Moroccan Barbary pirate raids on Southern Greece.

It is an average success. At least they will be reluctant to attack our coasts again for a short time.

The Moroccan fleet is finally completely sunk. Primarily a naval nation, this leaves the Moroccans completely defenseless. The pigheaded Sultan is finally willing to concede that he has lost.

It'd be so much easier if you didn't bother fighting back. The outcome is the same regardless.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

It's kinda annoying how you can't add Casus Bellis to an ongoing war. I mean, you should be able to add ones like Reconquest and similar to replace a casus bellie or create one.

 

[Esquilax]

Hey FFF, loving your LP's. The Kurland one was great, and this one is awesome as well. Could we by any chance get a picture of a world map, so that we might see the purple in its full glory?

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

I think that's a matter for the final update.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Yeah Vaar. One major weakness is when you attack a junior PU partner. Even if you have cores on every province you still have to demand it from the senior partner for 4 infamy a piece. Either that or you force release and then wait for the truce to end, which is bullshit. Likewise with vassal-lord wars.
The CB should apply to the provinces you can take, regardless of who you go through to take them.

I'll include a world map and a rundown of everything that has happened across the world at the end of the last update. Unfortunately nothing much of interest has happened really. Even with my meddling with two of the major powers the only real oddities are how the colonial nations have formed, and the utter clusterfuck that is Mongolia.

 

[Azira]

And spain inheriting denmark.

 

[Luzur]

the best part.

 

[ironyuri]

It's kinda annoying how you can't add Casus Bellis to an ongoing war. I mean, you should be able to add ones like Reconquest and similar to replace a casus bellie or create one.

Sounds like Victoria II has perverted you.

 

[eklektyk]

Lets The Purple Spread.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

No update tonight bros I'm afraid. Despite this, i intend to do some very large updates in the next few days. This one has been running for quite a while and i want to bring it to its conclusion soon

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Unfortunately I'm a bit pressed for time today so i can't manage a big explosive update full of war and annexation. Instead I've decided to do something different with a look at how my Empire actually functions, and how i manage to keep it afloat despite its sheer stagnant rotting shittiness. I will also include a prelude to my next major war. Updatan.

 

[marooned]

That would be great.

Edit: involuntary bump.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

As attentive readers will already know, our Empire is truly mighty, and large to boot. Many millions live (un)happily under the Grandmaster's (tyrannical) benevolent rule. Essentially the key to my Empire is my military and the proper organization of troops over such a vast area. That and praying everyone doesn't attack at once. Marching 50,000 men from Mecca to Constantinople takes quite a while. It feels even longer when the Austrians or some other group of foreign sodomites are lubing up to invade.

There's also our retarded little brother, Transylvania. We don't talk about Transylvania any more. They will form a meatshield against the Protestant Balkan states, but that's it. They're pathetically weak in every respect and i can't really rely on them. They're not particularly loyal either...

Now a look at my income and economic situation. You may note that i am minting an awful lot. This is all that is keeping me afloat economically at this point. My monthly income from production is gigantic, allowing me to mint enough to maintain my army of almost 140,000 men. My tax income is high due to the sheer number of provinces i own, but the military upkeep is extremely huge, so i have to mint far beyond my inflation limit. This is exacerbated further by my horrible administration caused by the rampant expansion.

The problem is not so much the amount of men, or even my manpower, but my forcelimits. Not only are they low, but the fluctuate rapidly. Often they fluctuate downwards. This means that i only barely make enough to get by even with the heavy minting. It is worth it however. At this point i can wave goodbye to economical development. The only thing holding the Empire together is my ability to blitz through the enemy until they hurt enough to accept peace with my 50k doomstack.
Without my army I'd give the Empire a few years if I'm lucky. With efficient whack a rebel and plenty of luck in regards to diplomacy, i can remain successful despite my horrendous economic situation.

Originally, rapid religious conversion to increase tax income was the basis of my economy. This has changed now unfortunately. My administration means tax income is worthless. I rely heavily on production income and minting now, just to keep me afloat. As with my army, it is organization and sheer mass that makes me economically strong despite my inefficiency. I have so many provinces and high technology that it all eventually adds up to a significant amount.

My morale is decent. My lack of military ideas besides elite regiments means that my morale is significantly inferior to the major military powers like France or Austria. What makes me superior is that i combine mass and discipline. This means i can take whatever they deal out, and i can deal out a lot more than they can take. No matter how high your morale is, 50,000 men with a 60 or so percent casualty boost is going to fuck you up. Even if i technically lose the battle, i always win in terms of casualties. Combine this with my doomstack's ability to instantly take even level four and five forts, and i can rapidly blitz through enemy territory.

My manpower is low, but because i am so large it replenishes rapidly. My maximum manpower fluctuates between 60,000 and 70,000 depending on administration levels and war exhaustion. The thing is that it replenishes by roughly 2500 a month. Assuming I'm not fighting on multiple fronts this is easily enough to sustain a bloody doomstack blitz. I do have to pull out and reinforce every now and then, but it allows me to occupy a huge amount of land before my momentum dissipates.

My generals are usually average. Thanks to the recent warmongering i am gaining military tradition rapidly. Troop leadership is an avenue i am actually improving in now. This is a nice contrast to the economical assrape of my administrative decline.

Finally a look at my ideas and sliders. In terms of sliders i have a lot of extreme right or left policies. Seeing as i don't have to care about inefficiency or internal chaos i don't have to moderate myself at all. Being shit can be liberating in an odd way.

Essentially, to summarise; My military is excellent due to its sheer mass and killing power. The problem is that moving it around is slow, so multiple front wars are difficult and dangerous. So long as my army is where it's supposed to be i cannot lose a war. Economically i am kept afloat by minting to sustain my army, which in turn puts down revolt and wins wars. Now that the end is drawing near and my land technology is past 50 i no longer need to care about inflation. My infamy is too high to turn back now. The hole I've dug is so deep that i might as well dig deeper. It can't make things worse. My very shittiness is an advantage, because i can revel in my shittiness and disregard things like infamy or administration.

So let's dig that hole deeper! Now that I've revealed to you how to make the most of a steaming turd, I'm going to beat some Muslims to death with said turd!

All the conquered territory is pretty useless. besides perhaps for production income. I can essentially just map paint freely at this point until i end up with a large multiple front war. I figure i should replace the irritating Qara Koyunhu green with a superior Byzantine Imperial purple. I should also be able to take another bite out of Khorasan and maybe the Golden Horde.

The Trannies honour the call to war. It's not like they'll be useful, but at least now they're a vassal state the Grandmaster can throw decadent church sponsored orgies at their capital whenever he likes.

The conversion work continues to go quite well. The yellow has been slowly spreading across Mesopotamia and into Iran. Now it has also begun its slow but inevitable spread into Yemen as well.

Raghead nomads raid into a nearby Arabian city. The Grandmaster doesn't care about the city or the nomads, but it does mean less tax income to build the next few hundred cathedrals with, so he decides to come down hard on the nomads.

Silly rebels.

Their capital is cracked open by my crude blitzing technique. This will probably be a pretty boring war...

Or not!

: x

(Can Hungary be considered a potatoland?)

 

[Nex]

the end is nigh

 

[Lumpy]

Do Wallachia after this, if you think you can go somewhere with it.

 

[Fens]

(Can Hungary be considered a potatoland?)

nah... hungary is bell pepper country

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

I've been trying to keep count. I think my record so far is 200,000 rebels killed in one year. You'd think year after year of that would make a dent on their morale. Updating.

 

[Gondolin]

You'd think the news of a huge fucking army coming their way should be enough to make them run back to their hovels, but no. Oh, well.
______

Gondolin

 

[gromit]

You'd think the news of a huge fucking army coming their way should be enough to make them run back to their hovels, but no. Oh, well.

They tell us, sir, that we are weak; unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak if we make a proper use of those means which the God of nature hath placed in our power. The millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us. Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just God who presides over the destinies of nations, and who will raise up friends to fight our battles for us. The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave. Besides, sir, we have no election. If we were base enough to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable--and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come.

It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace-- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

8862, you have a strange signature. I must alert the authorities.

As i explained in my previous update, if my army is where it needs to be then i can win any battle and crack open any fort easily. The obvious problem is how can my army always be where it needs to be when it is fighting across such a massive Empire? During a multiple front war i am forced to rely on weaker provincial armies. Actually campaigning through Hungary will be a slow and tedious process, so instead i will fight them to a white peace and go for territorial gain in the east.

Their land technology is significantly behind mine. I may be able to beat their larger army in direct battle, but i would most likely be unable to push the advantage if the dice chose to go in Hungary's favour. Generally it is better to avoid battle if you aren't actually certain of the outcome.

Meanwhile, i don't have to worry about direct battle with the Muslims. I very much hope that in the MM game nations with inferior technology will have other viable military strategies. At the moment all of the Muslim nations nearby are around 20 land tech levels behind me. They'd really only stand a chance if they had a numerical advantage, which they don't.

The blitzing stratagem gives me what's left of Iran and Azerbaijan. It's pretty crude but I am an evil oppressive Empire. I can afford to completely disregard the well being of my soldiers.

Isn't the map much nicer without that horrid green stain?

I forgot to take the battle screen, but it goes down pretty much the same as the next battle.

I still feel bad for all those poor horses.

The campaigning army is moved into Khorasan, but in all the micromanagement i forgot about them. They decide to stand there like morons and shit themselves to death, until they get the order to assault.

This one was extremely close. You may mock the potato, but respect the bell pepper. Granted they probably wouldn't have followed up the victory and they are cheating to get so much cavalry, but nevertheless i have gained a healthy respect for this race of nun-raping Protestant barbarians.

That's pretty derp. I blame my tranny allies. The Grandmaster was probably too busy having decadent orgies with their Duke to effectively lead the army.

I would love to, but the -2 stability makes it a no go. Why does everyone give such a shit? Stupid public morality.

Ah well. I also take another bite out of Khorasan. The Hungarians have lost their momentum, and eventually I'll be able to fuck them up if they don't accept a white peace.

I think it's safe to say i have surpassed the Ottomans in size, if nothing else.

I don't understand why the Mali are so important in a Middle Eastern holy war, but at least they are inclined towards peace.

This is tedious and annoying, but at least these events are actually dangerous because they forcibly occupy the province. It still often comes to just moving troops into the rebelling province, but if this happened more often with, say, revolutions, then rebellion would actually be dangerous rather than target practice for my soldiers.

The Hungarians split their army up into two small besieging forces and their main army, all split up to besiege Trannyvania. Their main army is reinforced by fresh recruits, so it is still formidable, but by destroying the smaller armies i relive some pressure off the Duke of Trannyvania. He manages to occupy an area of Carpathian mountain fortress. This finally tips the scales firmly against Hungary, allowing the Grandmaster to successfully propose a white peace.

Now for a few years of peace time. I think i will get my WE down, then force convert my new territory en masse. I'll wait for all the truces to expire and spend the last decade just conquering everything in sight, particularly to the east.

 

[Gondolin]

The 13 colonies were in a better position to revolt than any of the provinces held by FFF's current empire. But, yeah, hope dies last and all that.
______

Gondolin

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

I am alarmed by your rhetoric, 2747. Even if you have a point, i think they would be more inclined to peace after their entire population has been slaughtered a few times over.