Let's Smite Some Ragheads as the Knights of Rhodes!

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Meanwhile, in Krautsylvania, the Austrian Archduke devours one of his inferiors. They're Protestant, so there is no obligation to reap immediate bloody revenge.

Anyways, now that i have achieved enlightenment and converted some provinces, It's time to dig my hole ever deeper. Arabian hegemony will be pretty useful for securing my flanks, and it will nicely unify the Arabian purple. I move my armies into position for some metaphorical sodomy, and the war begins.

Potato and Multi-headed Eagle hitting ass and leg both warn me. If i keep this war short they shouldn't attack. I'll need to really blitz through Oman. Hopefully my army will hold up. If i need to reinforce then the few extra months could lead to a multiple front war.

Their northern border is overwhelmed with ease. Winning battles is not a problem. Manpower, reinforce speed and attrition are most important. I need to be able to instantly crack open forts. Otherwise i will be forced to split up my army to avoid attrition. The war will drag, and it'd probably evolve into a multiple front war. Speed is key, no matter how many men i lose.

The Order manages to wrest control of the other half of the Straits of Hormuz. The remains of the Oman army are routed.

Their capital is occupied. Mass really does seem to have a multiplying effect against forts. 10,000 men is usually worthless against any fort, while 20,000 can take anything up to a level 3 fort fairly easily.

Delicious sand. One of the primary exports of the Order alongside corpses and metaphorical urine.

Glorious. By the bravery and strength of our Catholic soldiery, the Arabs have been made to bow to the Purple.

Strangely my administration improves. It seems to take several months for an improvement in AE to take effect, so it will probably decrease again in a few months.

Yellow and purple, a deadly duo.

Green and orange are the colours of Satan! Impulsive declarations of war are the way of God and the Lord Jesus Christ!

 

[LusciousPear]

what is this I don't even-

 

[Luzur]

question.

how did you manage to annex them totally like that? you changed something?

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

I believe i have explained that. Yes i modded it, It's very easy to mod. Oddly enough though if you mod the annex limit with the beta patch you still can't fully annex them if their province cost is greater than 100%. Updatan.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

The decision to attack is impulsive, but the declaration is not. I move my armies into position to properly sodomise the Russians. After this preparation the Grandmaster moves his armies in with no real objective but to take as much territory as possible.

The Crimea is pillaged by its own garrison. The Russians and Potatoes march straight into the Tatar populated area. The scum starve by the thousands. Not so tough without your precious potato, huh?

The main army immediately marches straight across the Russian Black Sea.

Fucking Italian sodomites.

Get the fuck out of my land, Russia. Go back to Finland!

I'm digging those uniforms. Too bad about the whole being mortal enemies thing.

The Russians manage to march their armies to the Crimea surprisingly quickly. I am forced to avoid them until a window of opportunity opens up. Another glorious victory is won against the foul Tsar of the Orange Heresy.

Suck it, Stalin.

Interestingly the Potatoes perform much better than the Russians. They avoid a catastrophic defeat, although they still don't have much hope.

Who here likes mashed potato?

The Grandmaster marches his force along the snaking, bloody turd of Poland. More Lithuania than Poland at this point, actually.

The Polish campaign draws momentum away from the Crimean front, but the Grandmaster is still determined to acquire some Potato in this war.

One by one, the once proud cities and castles of the Potato Empire fall to the relentless onslaught of the Order's random imperialism.

Unfortunately the province cost is too high for me to annex the Potatolands entirely.

The Polish serpent turd is painted a proud and imperial purple.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Bro, what are you doing? What about the real enemy, the Mohammedan rabble?

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

I had a truce with every Muslim state bordering me. That's what happens when they all ally together.

 

[Cassidy]

To be honest, I'm very curious about the Aztecs right now. I hope you plan to show them once the Byzantine Empire tale is concluded.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Bro, how do you change flags again?

 

[kazgar]

the end is near! the glory of the knights of rhodes will be remembered forever more!

 

[LusciousPear]

Bro, how do you change flags again?

It's a file in the EU3 directory somewhere...just replace it

I had to change the hideous Byzantine flag to something far more epic:

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

It's graphics/flags i believe. There should be a separate flags folder in your MMU folder.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Bro, I exchanged MMU for Divine Wind, remember?

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Well, it should just be graphics flags in your EU3 directory then.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Oh shit. Napoleon is going to be gunning for my balls if i don't hurry this up.

Hehe, "black dealings." That's a double meaning right there!

Rather than heading south, the Grandmaster decides to go straight for the Bear's testicles. He smashes through Muscovy with intent to occupy the Russian capital city.

With the main army absent the Russians manage to gather some momentum. A garrison army is sent up from Azerbaijan to resist their advance until the main army arrives. Then the Russians can be smashed, and the Tsar will be forced to peace.

The Knights of St. John tear off and set fire to the Bear's testicles. Moskva is occupied. The Grandmaster spends the day on the Tsar's throne, and his palace is sacked. The Tsar himself is busy in the Crimea attempting to gain the initiative. The Grandmaster marches south to meet the Russians, while the Azerbaijan garrison moves to halt the Tsar's advance.

The warpath turns back south.

The Russian Tsar detaches some troops to try and occupy some of the Order held Potato. The Grandmaster marches through the Purple Potato to conscript some Potatolanders to fight off the Russians.

Zaporozhia is occupied. This province is vital, as it will unite the Purple Crimea with the Purple Potatoland.

With his balls handed to him on a plate, the Tsar has no option but to accept peace. A small slice of Russia is painted purple. I am quite surprised at how totally shit Russia is. I blame the lack of Siberian gulags to motivate their officer class.

The Tsar is humbled. The random expansionism can be focused back to the East.

Ah... my severe butthurt is alleviated by my enlightened state. You will not tempt me towards the comforting fire of impotent rage, Czar Ivan.

 

[Gondolin]

The Knights of St. John tear off and set fire to the Bear's testicles. Moskva is occupied. The Grandmaster spends the day on the Tsar's throne, and his palace is sacked.

This is... beautiful... :single tear:

 

[LusciousPear]

The Knights of St. John tear off and set fire to the Bear's testicles. Moskva is occupied. The Grandmaster spends the day on the Tsar's throne, and his palace is sacked.

This is... beautiful... :single tear:

Sacked the sack, lol

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Bro what happened to your military maintenance?

 

[Lumpy]

Lol @ the capital of Poland being Jedysan - wat?

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

That...

Yeah. I actually don't recall that happening in this war. I thought it happened in the next one, so i was going to write it into the next one. They got a successful army infiltration on me which lowered my forcelimits to 11.

The result was predictable, but i for some reason didn't get pictures.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Comment more and i will be more inclined to update earlier. Updatan.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

You may notice the money bag icon at the top of the screen. You may also notice that i have over 1800 ducats. Allow me to explain. In MMU the espionage system has been changed fairly significantly. There are preliminary missions for most of the main espionage missions. These involve infiltrating the branch of government in charge of whatever you want to explode with your spies. Espionage on paper does look pretty powerful. The only problems are the huge costs involved and the pretty much obligatory need for the two espionage ideas.

What happened here was the Russkie scum got lucky and managed to infiltrate my land forces. The preliminary missions have some very temporary effects. For land and naval forces the preliminary missions lower you force limits for a few months. Problem is my force limits are already shit. My force limits dropped to 11, and i immediately went into debt. This will linger for a few more months, so at this point I'm pretty fucked. I'll probably run into bankruptcy in a few years.
Bankruptcy is pretty fucking horrendous. In the long term it is awful, but even in the short term it can really fuck you too. It causes troop morale to decrease drastically, to the point where you are militarily impotent until the effects go away. I am now actually fucked, and It's going to be pretty impossible to successfully campaign for more than a few years. Might as well go out with a clusterfuck and damn as many of my citizens to rape and oppression by foreign rulers as possible.

There we go.

No shit?

My enlightened state expands. I am a corpse, so why rage about the crows devouring my genitals? My Polish/Russian territory is pretty phallic, anyways.

Alas, India is a slippery dream far outside our now meager grasp. Worry not, for we make see more of India in the future.

Enough of that, back to the oppression of religious minorities. The Jews are undoubtedly behind the recent economic collapse and impending bankruptcy. The Jewish agents must be removed from the Empire, lest they spread their devilish Jew fingers further.

It's go time, Raghead scum.

I'll probably lose, so let's try and slaughter as many infidels as possible.

Really Spain? You want *my* help?

ALLAHU AK- wait, never mind.

We march for the capital. Let's see how many Krauts they can rape while they busy themselves destroying our Empire. Pfft, let them have the darn thing.

We win a great victory against the Berber scum!

Unfortunately this is offset by a crippling defeat dealt out by the Khorasani infidel dishcloth wearers.

Uhh.

Well shit. Our army is now officially inferior.

Bravo.

I occupy the Hungarian capital and steal all their bell peppers. Onto Vienna!

The best part about this is that i was so busy just clicking through all the damn generic province events that i Didn't even notice this. They just attacked themselves and got this.

Depressing.

Nope! This war will easily be won.

Haha NO.

Get me back my potatoes, maggots!

Also, the MM team released a new developer diary. Check out the other ones if you haven't already read them, too.

http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum...RELIGIOUS-FERVOR-–-The-Eternal-Flame-of-Faith

 

[LusciousPear]

Bro, it was a good try bro.

 

[Gondolin]

Aaaaand the Wagnerian ending. Forward, into the Faggötterdämmerung!

 

[ironyuri]

Aaaaand the Wagnerian ending. Forward, into the Faggötterdämmerung!