Let's Not Play Space Rangers 2: ITZ Here

[sportforredneck]

AFRICANAMERICAN AFRICANAMERICAN AFRICANAMERICAN AFRICANAMERICAN

 

[DefJam101]

Johnny Cash ruined NIN's best song and you know it.

This shows the general quality of NIN songs, yes.

 

[sportforredneck]

I did all that posting for no update? Bastard.

 

[Admiral Rimjob POOBUM]

Deedle deedle doo. A fresh new chapter in Crotchduster's life has begun, as a reminder and that sort of thing. All his foes are dead, he never made any friends in the first place, and nobody will give him a job that isn't the goddamn impossible RTS ski resort I am going to manage that fucker one day.
So it's time for new horizons, and new colourful adversaries.

A wacky pirate called Jazzy Hoodlum who flies a... Bladonga?
Yes, I would say this guy makes for a colourful adversary. Let's go for it.

The Sol system comes under attack somewhere between me leaving and me arriving at the next one along. It can probably defend itself pretty well, and I'm on a kind-of-tight schedule, so I ignore it. I'm exciting that way.

Who could the "oppressing enemy" of private business be? A chance to strike back against the State in the name of small businesses??

Oh.
No you're annoying go away I get like three requests like this per system.

doodle doodle doo

Next guy along, my conscience gets the better of me and I decide to help him out against Corsair Bloody.

pew pew

pew pew

pew pew

pew pew

poo poo

This game's really good at knocking you down a peg or two whenever you scrape together a scrap of self-worth.

You look like an easier target. AKA you look identical and I'm just going to chance it.

I decide to actually be sensible and accept his money this time. This could be a good source of income.

Not that I'm going to pass up on his loot, naturally. Hey, I didn't see an honour rating to keep high or anything. And he's a fucking pirate.

Pretty purple sparks of orgasmic joy

Okay, got a fair amount of time left, assuming I can catch him before he jumps system again...

A cloud of loot! Valuable loot! And loot that, thanks to my now-considerable free hold space, I can actually take in full! Life is good for Not-Quite-Cadet Crotchduster. Still no sign of Jizzy Rascal or whatever his name was, though.

Oh.
That would be his cloud, then.

What?

What the fuck?
Can anyone actually understand half these dialogues? I've ended up just reading the blue words.
Anyway, I figured the system was pretty stable/peaceful, so I just took the job and decided to carry on my way. Pretty sure it won't get blown up even without me there.

Ooh a Battleship.
I want a Battleship.
Pretty small for a fucking Battleship though. Considering some of the Dominators I've seen. Good luck with that one, mate.

Ellinia hates me now, apparently. I don't know what I did. Smuggling? I didn't smuggle. Killing Bitchboy? He hung out here quite often. In fact, I think it was around here I met him... sniff... the bittersweet memories of a love gone wrong.

Back to good old Venus, having destroyed the fearsome Bladonga. I'm really curious as to what the Bladonga looked like. Oh well.
HEY BUDDY YOU HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTS FOR ME???

NVM

This micromodule reduces maintenance costs considerably; given that I still spend a lot of time running away or chasing people, putting it on my engine seems the natural choice.

And attached. INTERESTING SCREENSHOT HUH

Ah, finally, enough experience to increase my accuracy again. Will have a look at the other stats next time, but I like being able to hit things well.

heehee
I am good bodyguard, let me just get back to the same solar system as my charge

What the fuck? I'm a Dirty Kamikaze? I hate talking to these people. Having a face like a dick with ludicrous excess foreskin doesn't excuse this kind of gibbering tomfoolery.

Okay, guess so. No, don't bother telling me where to look up the location of the ship, I know a man with sources for this kind of thing. Good taste in headwear too.

Hatman delivers again.

Oh fuck off I'll get there without about a week left to go I can't really be bothered.

I decide to be a good soul and defend the Starship Enterprise against some pirate launching missiles everywhere. Kind of hoping I could get said missile launcher out of it, too.

lol ur firin the wrong way
I think they're all homing in on the Enterprise anyway. I love meatshields.

Oh fuck you Picard.

lol bi

Barely any damage. Crotchduster is such a man's man.

Beetlejuice (Elinia system) is under attack! Hopefully single-handedly saving them all will reconcile me without having to pay fucking money for it. With this totally noble and selfless goal in mind, Not-Quite-Cadet Crotchduster sets out.

LOOT EVERYWHERE

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL
OH GOD I'M A WORTHLESS OLD SCAVENGING WHORE (LOOT EVERYWHERE) I'M TOO LATE TO SAVE-

Holy mother of god.
This is not the safest decision I have made in my ranger career.
This is not the safest decision I have made in my ranger career.
This is not the safest decision I have made in my ranger career.
I repeat this statement over and over in my head while I stare at that fucking monster.
But you know... it still can't drown out the sweet, sweet chords...

...of our favourite song.

HELP me you ABSOLUTE fucking CUNTS
JESUS

This guy hits hard. I didn't get any screenshots, but he's doing 45 damage a blow, and hitting very frequently. I dive down to Ellinia once at the very start because he's taken off 150-200 HP in a couple of "rounds".

I'M THE GODDAMN HATMAN

...holy shit did I just manage that

Yep. That kill went to me.

Cadet Crotchduster, you are a fucking god among rangers.
We salute you.

Here you can see the milisecond before I get hit by the third meteor of this play session. I think I'm going to petition ranger command to declare them a bigger threat than the Dominators.

Whalozaurus?
Whale-o-saurus?
Really?

Oh I suppose.
I attack, he recognises me as the Dread Pirate Crotchduster, slayer of That Fucking Huge Dominator Guy, and tries to flee... through a jumpgate to Kephrone...

...just a second too late.
That was satisfying.

Oh fuck off you still haven't forgiven me
I just blew up a Dominator mothership the SIZE OF YOUR FUCKING PLANET
Also, note confirmation of the war being in full swing now. Thankfully, Crotchduster is in full form to do his duty and destroy the Dominator menace.

I leave my probes here on my way to the next galaxy along (heading to the military center). Mainly taking this shot so I can look back and remember where I left them.

Vitta Pryonis, eh? No problem for Crotchduster - if he can defend a system against such juggernauts as he brought down in flames in the skies over Ellinia, what's taking a system back? The Dominators pose no threat to the Cadet.

I have an eager look at this new fuel tank he's given me. Here's my current one... weighs 34, carries 41.

Weighs 43, carries 42.
Uh huh. Looks like an easy 1740 for me.

To Vitta Pryonis, and glory! A squad of 4-5 fighters passed me on my way to the base, presumably heading there, so the battle should be in full swing by now.
I enter the system, and look around...

Oh.
Well.
Cast your eye to the minimap; light blue is Dominators, yellow is loot, dark blue is me. The other coloured dots are other ships, usually fighters/rangers/transports.
"But jimbob," you cry, "there aren't any other-coloured dots?"
Correct.

IT'S NOT A RETREAT IT'S A STRATEGIC WITHDRAWAL

SMELL YOU LATER
SUCKERS

 

[Admiral Rimjob POOBUM]

For my staggering legions of adoring fans: I finally gave up and used a trainer to get past that fucking RTS mission. I used a trainer which gives me infinite materials, and infinite unit spawns. I won, but the red team still managed to spawn more robots than me.

 

[Admiral Rimjob POOBUM]

Okay, I can take a hint, fuck this.

An epilogue: Crotchduster ended up #5 ranger in the galaxy, up from #11 in a few minutes after seeing the five in front of him die. He may have ended at #4, not sure who survived longer. Rangers #1 and #2 almost certainly died just afterwards.

Preeeettty sure that was the galaxy's last stand. It was kind of like that thing Cleve was talking about.

 

[sportforredneck]

You could always start over AND SAVE THE GALAXY!

 

[DefJam101]

What difficulty was this, btw?

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

Okay, I can take a hint, fuck this.

An epilogue: Crotchduster ended up #5 ranger in the galaxy, up from #11 in a few minutes after seeing the five in front of him die. He may have ended at #4, not sure who survived longer. Rangers #1 and #2 almost certainly died just afterwards.

Preeeettty sure that was the galaxy's last stand. It was kind of like that thing Cleve was talking about.

Hey, it lasted longer than Prisoner of Ice. You should be proud.

 

[vazquez595654]

@ Admiral jimbob

You suck. The RTS missions are easy. You just have to be aggressive and make sure to set up defenses for everything you capture.

 

[Nedrah]

Most RTS missions are easy, some are not.
Anyways, I believe setting those Dominators to hard may have been a bit of a small mistake for your first playthrough. I'm also quite surprised that you ended up not getting any more text missions. You should really go back to the game just for those, at some point - pure genius.

 

[Sovard]

You know, I have never gone into a black hole. You make me want to try it, however, my SR2 is the one with starforce cooties.

Too bad you ended it and all, I was living vicariously through you... only I failed less.

 

[Morkar Left]

Damn, that was a fast end... It was very enjoyable to read and explained the gaming experience very well.

I believe the difficulty of the RTS missions drastically increase by the dominator difficulty settings. On normal I got only vibed out by that mission at my first try. The second try was easy (with the better armor selected and faster reinforces).

 

[Admiral Rimjob POOBUM]

@ Admiral jimbob

You suck. The RTS missions are easy. You just have to be aggressive and make sure to set up defenses for everything you capture.

I played two more - I probably got in about three hours' playtime after the last update, which was where I decided I couldn't be bothered with an LP nobody seemed to be reading anymore. They were much, much easier; general consensus seems to be that that first one is by far one of the hardest.

You should really go back to the game just for those, at some point - pure genius.

I haven't given up playing, could probably even salvage that save and will definitely start a new game if not. Just doesn't look like it's proving a very entertaining LP once all the basics are covered, which I more or less agree with. I have about 150 screenshots here for updating with anyway, if I come back to it.

 

[RaXz]

No more crotchduster adventures? Why not fight it out till the bitter end, the last stand against a invasion in the only system left. My last Hardboiled game I ended up being the last ranger alive, I gave up when the invasion force came in the only system left, and there was nobody there besides me.

I guess Crotchduster is too traumatized by seeing his fellow rangers die to carry on..

I decided I couldn't be bothered with an LP nobody seemed to be reading anymore.

Seemed, I always look for updates. And even learned some stuff from this LP.

They were much, much easier; general consensus seems to be that that first one is by far one of the hardest.

Mauna Roa Island, that mission sucks, with a stupid interior base for the green side. The pathfinding isn't helping either.

 

[Admiral Rimjob POOBUM]

I had the opportunity to post three updates back-to-back on different days without any posts in between, there's attention whoring and then there's losing interest when that happens. I need to announce my retirement just to get people to post! Suppose there's just not much to actually comment on. But I suppose it's pretty much close enough to the bitter end that I could finish it off with a glorious last update or two.

Mauna Roa Island, that mission sucks, with a stupid interior base for the green side. The pathfinding isn't helping either.

The spawning was absolutely ludicrous. I used a trainer to be able to spawn infinite robots with infinite materials, and just tossed endlessly-producing rocket troopers at them until they were overwhelmed. They still somehow managed to spawn more than me.

 

[sportforredneck]

I find jimbob's commentary far more interesting than the screenshots themselves. I'll mostly just glance at them and read what he says.

 

[Nedrah]

I had the opportunity to post three updates back-to-back on different days without any posts in between, there's attention whoring and then there's losing interest when that happens. I need to announce my retirement just to get people to post! Suppose there's just not much to actually comment on. But I suppose it's pretty much close enough to the bitter end that I could finish it off with a glorious last update or two.

I think you really got fooled by the lack of comments to your updates. I know that I've been following this LP and I'm willing to bet that so were many others. You can only write "Hey, cool installment, please post the next one" so often without feeling a bit silly. I definitely vote for continuing crotchdusters glorious exploits. Or fuck him and start a new char, now that you know what you're doing - just keep the SR2 LP coming.

 

[Quilty]

Noooo, Crotchduster, come back!

The LP was a lot of fun, I encourage you to go on and pick up a few of those text games.

 

[Morkar Left]

Noooo, Crotchduster, come back!

The LP was a lot of fun, I encourage you to go on and pick up a few of those text games.

This. I think the full potential of the LP and of CADET Crotchduster isn´t reached yet.

 

[Admiral Rimjob POOBUM]

hkkggrughfh

fine guilt trip me

I know it's hard to reply with anything that isn't utterly vapid, so it wasn't so much the lack of attention that I stopped over, it was... okay, it was a bit. These things are done for an audience. But more that pages get a real pain in the ass to load when there are 3 or more 60+ image posts in them (STOP BOUNCING). Maybe I should be next-gen and do a video LP hahaha no
Well, I'll put in a new update as soon as I can properly replicate the situation that led to the dramatic final showdown I had yesterday, suppose we'll see from there. Starting uni soon and all, might not even have much time to update this very often.

 

[Admiral Rimjob POOBUM]

This is the tale of the day that was like that thing Cleve was talking about.

Look well upon the following picture.

The best of the best. Eight of these nine Rangers will today fight for freedom, the exception being Schwarz. Everyone below #10 is basically a complete freshman who's only here to fill in for dead rangers. A couple of them will turn up too. Nobody will really notice.
Of these eight brave heroes, mark their names and faces well.

Kephrone system faces obliteration at the hands of the Dominators. As you can see from the map (light blue/grey systems are Dominator-owned), the foul creatures own 17 known systems to the sentient races' 6; and given the spread, it's likely that all the other regions of space are owned by them as well.
Kephrone is in danger of being taken over. This will place Betelgeize and Sol in grave danger, and with them fallen, the other three - already each nearly or completely taken over in the past - will swiftly follow.

We will not give another 1800 million miles.
Today, we make our stand.
We, the few.
We, the brave.
We, the Space Rangers.

Ranger Grumando. The Fourth, a mighty warrior with over forty Dominator kills to his name.

Ranger Olmilay. The Fifth, a rugged, agile mercenary.

Ranger Dahana. The Sixth, a noble Gaalian warrior and veteran of the Dominator wars.

Ranger Ratzokkish. The, er... guy I kept calling a cunt and eventually overtook on the ranger rankings. Nice guy really.

And our brave hero, the last great hope for humanity, Cadet Crotchduster. May his name be remembered.

Our heroes set out, one representing each of the five sentient races of the galaxy. Noble fighters, fearless heroes, Warriors of Diversity. Word reaches us that Rangers Lea-Aoaran and Gerhard are already in or approaching Kephrone. The time to strike is now.
Let's listen to our favourite song, one last time.
Today, it is not a dirge. It is not a hymn of victory. It is an epitaph.

BROTHERS
WE ARE HERE

One of the two butterfly-like ships was already weak, and we managed to destroy it quickly.

Part of the main body of the force. They're still a decent distance away, but they move fast.

Chasing down the other one of the butterfly ships. I got a little cocky here, had to turn around quickly and escape. Slight explanation here; this update is made up of about 3-4 different attempts spliced into an attempt to create a coherent narrative, so it might be slightly jumbled. Just don't look at my money count and suspend disbelief.

Looking around for the nearest planet to heal up, I discover that the Dominators have the closest one - Half-axel - covered. Bugger.

I retreat temporarily, training my guns on my pursuer. Daddy Ranger Lea-Aoaknaya speeds past me as I go! Warmed and encouraged by this mighty companion, I turn to watch his progress...

...as he flies right through the middle of their force.

LEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Olmilay died somewhere off-camera too. Note Crotchduster's new Hero status. At least he has that going for him, in his final hours.

Grumando! My friend, my stalwart ally, watch where you-

GRUMAAAAAAAAAAAAANDOOOOOOOOOOOO

As I fly by the main force, I drop a disconnect program on the biggest of the bunch. Should put him out of commission... might give those of us who remain a fighting chance. Every inch they take will be paid dearly in blood.

Corsair Vampire! Pirate though you may be, surely you will... at least draw their fire until I can land on Half-axel!

OH GOD ITZ HERE

Ahem. Here we go again.

The butterfly ship falls again.

Ratzokkish and Lea-Aoanlawdawd! I let you fall once, Daddy Ranger, but today... you can make it to landing! I believe in you!

Motivational chants are apparently not enough to resist torpedo barrages. Good life advice in general, that.

Do I even need to describe the outcome of this?
Grumando falls again, to join his brothers in the halls of legend. Remember his name.

Dahana! Their backs are turned... engine boost! Land! Land! LAAAAAAAAND

DAAAAHAAAAAAANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Well, at least Cadet Crotchduster will end his career in the top four Space Rangers of all time... that gets his family a good pension, right?

Zalos! Highest-ranked of all mercenaries...

Make that top 3.

ZAAAAAAAAAALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS

Sobbing, Crotchduster spots Ranger Gerhard - the last of his companions in this dreadful battle, this Alamo - and desperately makes his way towards him. At least they will die together. At least he will be able to confess the feelings he never had the courage to confess...

Yeah that didn't work

Goodbye, Cadet Crotchduster.
It may be just as well that you did not live to see the victory.
I do not feel it will be a victory sported by any sentient race.

 

[Hoaxmetal]

You're a goddamn war hero, son. The light be with you!

 

[Nedrah]

Looks like your universe might have, indeed, truly be fucked to begin with. Which is a shame, because you really only got to see a tiny portion of what the game has to offer. Anyways, thanks for finishing the Crotchduster-saga, he'll forever be... well, thanks.

 

[Ashery]

For that island mission: It's possible to hold entire waves with two mobile troops (4x rocket + 4x repair) near some rocket turrets. The repair bot stands near one of the turrets while the rocket bot constantly moves/patrols in front of the turrets. Thanks to how projectiles work, the rocket bot should avoid 80%+ of the incoming fire and can step back to repair when needed.

With the flank taken care of, your nine other troops are free to move around in a clockwise direction along the beaches and once red is taken out, move in for the kill against green.

Also, use manual control when taking out the turrets. Not only can you kill every turret without getting hit, it's easy as hell to bait the constantly spawning bots into your seven rocket bots.

Now if there was only a way to get more cash, ugh...Fucking dominators always target and destroy the loot that drops from my kill.

Wonderful way to end the LP.