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Let's Not Play Space Rangers 2: ITZ Here

Hoaxmetal

Arcane
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
9,161
Hmm...

Oh, and we're there. Update, you nigger.
 
Joined
Jul 30, 2006
Messages
5,934
Location
Being a big gay tubesteak hahahahahahahahag
Pretty good timing there because

Warning in advance: this is a very favourite-song-friendly update

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oooh hello sailor

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I rarely notice game music, but one of the space travelling tracks is really good. Absolutely unfitting to space travel, of course, but upbeat and merry and catchy. Just thought I'd let you all know. I boogie to it.

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Ranger Mutterer has been convicted of crimes so slight they didn't even bother naming them.
This is the kind of person who's showing me up.

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I trade in some Dominator nodes (bits and bobs that come off their corpses). My rating has improved! I feel like a true Space Ranger now.

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To wander the galaxy, indebted to no man, fighting injustice and tyranny wherever it lurks. The Man With No Name, the eternal freedom fighter. Wherever the fire of liberty burns, the Dominators (more like neocons) shall never triumph. :tearofaneagle:

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Oh fuck off :(

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I buy a couple of new parts, with the main objective of clearing up some hold space; new radar, new gripper, both a good bit better and considerably smaller. Nothing too exciting.

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Buy a couple of probes to explore uninhabited planets...

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And decide to make a name for myself by discovering, erm, Saturn. Pretty sure that should've been explored pretty thoroughly by now. Oh well.

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This bit's not very interesting. But you might find it interesting. I do. So there.
Basically, you select an area for the probe to cover, depending on the probe's qualities and the makeup of the planet. As with a lot of things in this game, you're pretty much left to work out the details for yourself. My other probe seems to only be good for covering plains, which Saturn doesn't have, so I just put out the better (and heavier) one and head off to let it do its thing.

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Here you can see me being hit by a fucking meteor. This happens all the fucking time. Fuck.

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:ecowarrior:

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No sooner have I got off the planet than the hippy is demanding I help him fight a bunch of pirates who aren't actually attacking him. Great. Thankfully, the pirate just lands on a planet after being slightly grazed and given a mild nosebleed, as they do, and my charge forgets he ever existed. We move on.

I decide to leave him to his own devices for a bit, keeping an eye on him all the same, and another guy asks me to help him against one of those puny-looking pirate corsair things. I decide to have a chat with it first.

(now play: our favourite song)

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Did he really just use a smiley
really
there's only one fitting punishment here really

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boom boom boom wee

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see all those numbers
that's damage I'm doing to him
see that nice shiny 43

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I idly wonder if there are any repercussions to taking the money then blowing him up anyway. But Cadet Crotchduster is a man of honour, so he just...

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...slaughters the hapless fool begging for his life? Well, at least he didn't trick him out of his money first. That's what counts.

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Why not? We're on a roll here, men. Crotchduster is finally asserting his true place in the galaxy.

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Let the pirates quake! Let the Dominators tremble! Leave no dick unlicked! Crotchduster cometh!
Also where the hell is the guy I'm guarding.

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Oh.
Him again, eh? Come, fool, face the wrath of Crotchdus...

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Or land on a planet you could do that too.

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Quite a haven of activity we have here. Probably because this is the only system that's going to last another week.

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I'm really not sure where this guy is going. Well, I'm sure he can survive a week by himself, so I'll head back to the planet for my reward.

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Wha... what? What? What the fuck? What the fuck is this?

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He's even repeating himself. What the fuck.

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I was kind of hoping the reward would repeat itself too. But it didn't. Okay, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Even in the great utopian future, Earth is still a bewildering idiocracy. This is like that thing Cleve was talking about.

Let's see where I am on the ranger rankings...

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Sigh.
I'll catch you soon, fucker. Least I'm still ahead of Bitchboy.
Bitchboy... there's some unfinished business.

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On my way to the next galaxy over, I stumble across a black hole. Hmm.

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Why not? It ended so well last time.

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pew pew pew

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zoom zoom zoom

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budda budda budda

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weee vroom vroom

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You know, I'm beginning to think the whole black hole thing symbolises a psychedelic trip. Too many flashing colours and shit. And health pickups. And pills. The ship eats pills.
The setting represents the id, the uncoordinated, random, instinctual part of the brain. It forms itself into wackee and incomprehensible shapes and colours. The ship represents the super-ego; attempting to triumph over the chaos of the id and return safely to normal reality. The uh... the pickups are the ego, helping the ship along and... the enemy ship represents... The Fear?
I'm onto something.

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Having made everyone who actually knows anything about psychology cry helplessly, I finish off my opponent - symbolising the triumph of the self over existential crisis and resolute will defeating unreasoning instinct - and make my way back to reality.

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You know, I'm never sure where these things are. I don't think I get them automatically, but nothing came out of the ship. Oh well.

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Okay, if last time is anything to go by...

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Yep.

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Yep. I'm in the one system that's under attack.
Yep.
Well, I'm right next to the galaxy exit, so I could actually flee this time, but...

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Cadet Crotchduster does not flee.

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Who are they to challenge me? Two stupid little pod things and something that looks more fragile than those corsairs I was taking out without any damage? Ha ha ha!

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ow fuck

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Note to self: pod things pack a fucking punch. Target them first.
But wait! Who's that, emerging from the planet below, to flee the scene of battle like a coward... like a...

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...Bitch.

That's it. He can hate me for no apparent reason, but to leave a fellow ranger to die at the hands of Dominators? At least I'd have the courage to take him out personally.
And, given that if he emerges from that planet and I'm not there to distract them, dying at the hands of Dominators is exactly what will happen to him...
Looks like I'll have to fight my way through their army just to get my final revenge.

And that suits me just fine.
 

Lord Chambers

Erudite
Joined
Jan 23, 2006
Messages
1,018
When you finish the black hole arcade battles you always get an artifact. It lists them as "remaining equipment" but it's in your ship inventory. Sometimes you'll get weapons left behind too.
 

Nedrah

Erudite
Joined
Mar 14, 2005
Messages
1,693
Location
Germany
Here, waiting for the next installation of your epic endeavors. I'm a bit surprised you aren't seeing more text quests, so far. I seem to remember getting a lot of them rather quickly.
 
Joined
Jul 30, 2006
Messages
5,934
Location
Being a big gay tubesteak hahahahahahahahag
Here we go. Are you ready to ride with Cadet Crotchduster as he single-handedly liberates a star system, not out of heroism, but for the sake of wreaking his vengeance against the Ranger who wronged him?
You better be.
Dark and gritty and mature, this is the new shit.

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It begins. Crotchduster waits a few days for the Dominators to split up, then lures the ship away by itself.

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KISS MY BELLY FROM THE INSIDE

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One of those node things. Wary of its firepower, and of his own weakened hull, Crotchduster prepares to flee if necessary...

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Ha! Seeing the mighty champion they have on their side, the cowards have finally come out to steal the glory by joining the battle! So be it. Let them have their delusions. All who matter shall know who was really responsible for this victory.

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oh fuck it's the Daddy
Not sure how strong this guy is, but he looks reasonably intimidating.

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Thankfully, the probe thing runs in the opposite direction. Crotchduster follows, but it's doing some damage... can our hero hold out?

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A transport, fleeing to another system. Just the sucke... help I need.

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THAT'S RIGHT KID YOU ARE A HERO GET STUCK IN THERE

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YOU'RE DOING GREAT KEEP IT UP

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I feel a bit guilty. And the probe's attention is on someone else, so it's a good opportunity.

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Fuck.
Yes, yes, we've all seen the screen that appeared a few seconds later. Moving on, I decide to not get cocky and land on a planet to heal up.

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Good lord. It did say the planet was a dictatorship. That's... that's some zipper.

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Back out to the battle and holy mother of god that's a lot of missiles.

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Yes, the Daddy Dominator is called Smersh Barcode.
No, it doesn't make him less intimidating.

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Okay guys, you attract the missiles while I attack him. Thanks for your co-operation. I got this.

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YES SEE ALL THE DAMAGE I AM DOING (I AM NOT)

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FUCK YER
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP BOYS NOT THAT IT WAS NEEDED

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Mop up the remnants, scrape together a lot of nodes. Hopefully this'll make the bastards at Blue Fire treat me with something less than utter contempt.

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Oops, forgot the probes.

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emo-emot-smug.gif


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And that's a wrap, folks. System saved.
Just got one bit of unfinished business to clear up...

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There you are.

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I like to imagine Cadet Crotchduster's head popping up on Bitchboy's comms screen and roaring "AND WHERE WERE YOU WHEN CROTCHDUSTER WAS SAVING THE UNIVERSE, DADDY" before cutting out again and blowing him apart. It's unfortunately not an actual dialogue option. A man can dream. It might've been lost in translation.

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Above is me, below is him. Don't worry, the similarity will soon be lessened. Only one of us will be in one piece.

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Target locked, and fate sealed.

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Bitch...

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...cowardly-ass nigga like you, tryin' to land on that planet even as we speak, 'stead of fightin' like a man...

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...you wasn't nothing but a footnote in the early pages of my illustrious career.

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And then I realised that put me squarely at the bottom of the ranger rankings.
Bugger.
Well, I think it was worth it. I sigh momentarily, thinking of the roasting and hostility I'm going to get for murdering a fellow ranger.
It was worth it.

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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Head back and pick up those probes. They have borne fruit! Fruit I... can't carry most of. Fuck.

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Am I just going to have to take this goddamn suicide mission before they start giving me easier ones, or what?

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Hmm.
Why not.

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Quickly realise that there are two bad guys this time.

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Not that that was any hindrance to the Scourge of the Dominators, of course.

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The storage space involved in carting my loot back, unfortunately... was. Sigh.

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Wait
Cadet Crotchduster... isn't actually qualified to be a Cadet.
Jesus. It was such a catchy title too.
I hate this universe.

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Impossible to totally avoid combat in Space Rangers 2? Ha, eat your words, critics! I am now able to engage the enemy in diplomacy!

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Kephrone is currently under dominator attack. After an agonized period of deliberation that must have lasted all of four seconds, I decide to leave them to their own devices. Blue Fire has a new years' gift for me, and I intended to be their first foot - if I am, they have to give me shortbread (this may be meaningless to non-Scots).

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Galaxy hoppin

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Galaxy hoppin

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You fucks. I just saved a star systems you absolute fucks. I feel like a fucking neglected wife. I feed the dog, I clean the house, I prepare the dinner, I fight off hostile evil robot armies, but it's never fucking enough, is it? IS IT?

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Well, let's see if they think better of me after I deposit the 70 units' worth of Dominator nodes I've been carting about.

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:(

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Don't take it to heart, Crotchduster. You're young, you're free, and you're finally starting to kick some serious ass.

Yes... things are definitely starting to look up for Not-Quite-Cadet Crotchduster. Fuck the haters.

Jesus Christ, I actually got somewhat emotional typing out that last bit. I'm getting attached to this little guy who I initially forgot to give a display picture other than the default. I love alcohol.
 
Joined
Jul 30, 2006
Messages
5,934
Location
Being a big gay tubesteak hahahahahahahahag
I jerked myself today
Shoved fingers up my bum
I focus on orgasm
Try real hard to cum
The penis tears my ass
The old familiar sting
Try to fuck the pain away
But I remember every dick

What have I fucked
My sweetest slut
Everyone I fuck
dies of AIDS
In the end
And you could have it all
My well-used track of dirt
I will let you cum
I will make you spurt

I wear this crown of cum
Upon my torture chair
I have a broken boner
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of cum
The bloodstains disappear
You are found not guilty
I am still a queer

What have I fucked
My sweetest queer
Everyone I know
Wants my dick
In their rear
And you could have it all
My well-used track of dirt
I will let you cum
I will make you spurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would still be gay
 

Nedrah

Erudite
Joined
Mar 14, 2005
Messages
1,693
Location
Germany
Admiral jimbob said:
I jerked myself today
Shoved fingers up my bum
I focus on orgasm
Try real hard to cum
The penis tears my ass
The old familiar sting
Try to fuck the pain away
But I remember every dick

What have I fucked
My sweetest slut
Everyone I fuck
dies of AIDS
In the end
And you could have it all
My well-used track of dirt
I will let you cum
I will make you spurt

I wear this crown of cum
Upon my torture chair
I have a broken boner
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of cum
The bloodstains disappear
You are found not guilty
I am still a queer

What have I fucked
My sweetest queer
Everyone I know
Wants my dick
In their rear
And you could have it all
My well-used track of dirt
I will let you cum
I will make you spurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would still be gay

beautiful *sob*

now go dust some crotches.
 

DefJam101

Arcane
Joined
Nov 11, 2007
Messages
8,047
Location
Cybernegro HQ
Admiral jimbob said:
I jerked myself today
Shoved fingers up my bum
I focus on orgasm
Try real hard to cum
The penis tears my ass
The old familiar sting
Try to fuck the pain away
But I remember every dick

What have I fucked
My sweetest slut
Everyone I fuck
dies of AIDS
In the end
And you could have it all
My well-used track of dirt
I will let you cum
I will make you spurt

I wear this crown of cum
Upon my torture chair
I have a broken boner
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of cum
The bloodstains disappear
You are found not guilty
I am still a queer

What have I fucked
My sweetest queer
Everyone I know
Wants my dick
In their rear
And you could have it all
My well-used track of dirt
I will let you cum
I will make you spurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would still be gay

I never would have pinned you as a NIN fan, Jimbob.

BUSTED!!
 

pipka

Savant
Joined
Apr 1, 2009
Messages
1,351
Location
The Penal Zone
LEAVE NIN ALONE!!! :x

but continue with updates. You should destroy one of Doms lords already!

Got Keller once on my first year. It's doable, but he can be easily destroyed in black holes.
 

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