Chapter 69 - insert joke about the famous intercourse position here
In the previous update we sliced, stabbed and shot our way into the underwater reactor in order to get our hands on a piece of Huge Materia and when we were just about to go pick it up, the game managed to find a way to delay the vital "getting our hands on a piece of Huge Materia" part and this is why we're now, for currently unexplained reasons, going to follow an actual order from an actual Shinra officer and run all the way up to Junon's actual airport for a fucking debriefing. And then this happens:
That was Huge Materia #4 that just flapped away into the skies. The game doesn't really tell you this, well unless you talk to someone on the base or in the village under the base. Now, one question: why the fuck did this order go out to a fucking submarine crew? Surely we haven't killed all of Shinra's forces? And surely Shinra could assume we had better things to do, what with those Huge Materia snatchin' terrorists snowboarding around? Why did they just abandon Huge Materia #3? Why did this question suddenly transform into eleven questions? Where are the other questions? These are questions I want answered. Why don't you care about my feelings?
So after this ENTIRELY POINTLESS ADVENTURE Cloud immediately suggests that it must be headed for "Rocket Town of course!" so I guess that's where we'll go! Well, as soon as we're done
PICKING UP THE FUCKING HUGE FUCKING MATERIA #3 GODFUCKINGDAMMIT
DEALING WITH THE SUNKEN GELNIKA
AVOIDING THE CTHULHU WEAPON
VISITING VINCENT'S GIRLFRIEND
SHOOTING HEROIN
PICKING UP THE KEY TO THE ANCIENTS KEY
Alright, let's start from the top.
ALRIGHT HUGE MATERIA ALRIGHT
Check.
ALRIGHT SUNKEN GELNIKA ALRIGHT
There were weapons and Materia developed solely to destroy Sephiroth.
But, it was attacked by Weapon and sunk to the bottom of the sea.
I can't give you what's here. We're going to deal with Sephiroth. I guess this is our last meeting.
I won't let you get in my way.
Now that's some great writing right there.
After kicking their asses...
..they teleport away. Alright, loot the place for Cid's final limit break and leave. There's nothing else you need.
Check.
ALRIGHT AVOIDING CTHULHU WEAPON ALRIGHT
Check.
ALRIGHT VISITING VINCENT'S GIRLFRIEND ALRIGHT
CAVE.
TUNNEL.
WATERFALL.
SPOOKY.
ABSOLUTELY.
YES.
NO.
WHITESCREEN. (no screenshot)
Alright, kids. You oughta know what a white screen means by now. Yeah, time for another dive into the past! Let's see what Vincent was up to before Shinra got him all movie monstered up and stuff.
NIBELHEIM! THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!
The perfect place to meet women!
...and, unfortunately, also the perfect place for women to suddenly run away from you!
Here's a hint, Vince; check your hair. Seriously. Remove your fucking emo bangs from your eyes! There's only one video game character that can get away with that shit and still manage to look absolutely badassticly fabulous.
See that, Vincent? She picked the guy with two eyes, Vincent. What do you think about that, Vincent? I hope you learned something, Vincent.
If she is happy then... I don't mind.
Pussy.
INTENSE CHAIR SITTING ACTION.
(Yes, that's the entire scene.)
I'm against it!! Why experiment on humans?!
She and I are both scientists!!
HINT: Read Hojo's line as "I want to do things with her vagina!!" Seriously, it'll make a lot more sense.
After that, a child was born to Lucrecia... That child's name is... Sephiroth...
See?
INTENSE LYING ON THE FLOOR IN PAIN ACTION.
(Yes, that's the entire scene.)
ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY
LALALALALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALA
I SHOOT YOU WITH GUN.
I FALL DOWN DEAD BECAUSE OF GUNSHOT WOUND.
I INJECT YOU WITH SUPERPOWERS NOW BECAUSE I AM EVIL.
I LIFT MY ARMS UP AND YELL REALLY LOUD BECAUSE OF WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO ME.
This body is... the punishment that's been given to me... I was unable to stop Professor Gast and Hojo.... And Lucrecia... I was unable to stop them. All that I was able to do was watch... That is my punishment...
Didn't we confirm that already?
I wanted to disappear... I couldn't be with anyone... I wanted to die... But the Jenova inside of me wouldn't let me die... Lately, I dream a lot about Sephiroth.... My dear, dear child. Ever since he was born I never got to hold him, even once. Not even once. You can't call me his mother... That... is my sin.
Right.
Vincent... Won't you please tell me?
.......What?
If Sephiroth is still alive? I heard that he died five years ago. But I see him in my dreams so often... And I know that physically, like myself, he can't die so easily. Please, Vincent, tell me...
N...
Yes, Lucrecia... Sephiroth is dead...
Well, technically that's true. I guess.
Well, that was a delightfully fragmented and cryptic flashback but I'm pretty sure I understood most of it.
We're going to come back here after fighting a couple of battles, to hear the rest of the story and pick up Vincent's ultimate gear. Then we'll pick up the key to the ancients and go for a ride in Cid's spaceship. See you then.
Oh and before I forget:
ALRIGHT SHOOTING HEROIN ALRIGHT
[starcraft]Ahhh yeah, that's the stuff...[/starcraft]
Check.