GONE MOPPING: Let's play Space Quest Zero!

[Crooked Bee]

LET'S PLAY SPACE QUEST CHAPTER O: REPLICATED!

Latest update: 8: In which Roger's janitorial training is put to use!

LPing an adventure game is pretty much always a terrible idea. Those are the kind of games you're better off playing yourself, if only to struggle with and suffer through pixel hunting, clunky interface, and "adventure game logic" (tm) -- three things commonly inherent to this old and venerable genre. Make it four when the game in question uses text parser input.

LPing a fan-made prequel to one of the best adventure game series, however, is a terrible idea cubed. Everybody knows prequels suck. Oh, and fan-made games as a rule suck too.

So it should come as no surprise that it's exactly what we will be doing here.

Space Quest Chapter 0: Replicated (2003) is set before the first game in the series, with janitor Roger Wilco waking up from yet another nap only to find all his crewmates dead. In this game, we join Roger as he escapes the station, travels to Labion for the first time, manages to die in literally dozens of creative new ways as he struggles to figure out just what happened aboard LOS10 and--if he plays his cards right--save the universe from a fate too terrible to mention.

Will this get anywhere? Or will I abandon it after the first two updates? IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN!!

First update incoming... sometime. I'll just leaving you hanging there for now. You bastards.

Oh really?

P.S. What, you don't know what Space Quest is? Then what the hell are you waiting for? Go read up on this Space Quest series LP, and hurry!

 

[Azira]

Space quest! Ahhh.. Will be watching this thread, and knowing you Bee, this LP will be completed. I've only seen you abandon one LP, and that was because the character I came up with was just too annoying by far.

 

[Yeesh]

You are some sort of machine.

 

[KickAss]

Woohooo! Another quality Bee LP!!

 

[Crooked Bee]

Quality? Who said anything about quality?

 

[Crooked Bee]

Update 1: How many janitors does it take to retrieve a keycard?

They should fucking imprison those who think beginning a game with a Star Wars opening phrase reference is a good idea.

Flagellation would be okay too.

A no pop-up future? Okay, I'm sold.

OR DOES IT?

You know your world is fucked when a lone janitor is your only hope. Yes, even if said janitor's name is Roger Wilco.

Roger that.

Cloning facility? Now that doesn't sound illegal in the least.

Who could that red-haired girl be? Did she kill that flat-looking man? What's with that green liquid? And who's that entering the room from the right? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!

Okay, the last one's easy. It's our Roger!

Emerging from the stale darkness, you rub your eyes and instantly notice the body of a fellow crewmate.

Booh, Roger, who cares about some stupid body. Don't tell me you failed to notice the mysterious gal!

(Naturally, in the proud Space Quest tradition, the game begins with Roger waking up while the station is under attack.)

SPOOKY.

We aren't even in our own vocabulary!

But officer I'm clean I tell ya!

> examine liquid

That liquid just reeks of illegal scientific activities. Oh yeah, cloning facility!

> taste liquid

> drink liquid

Ah I see they even stayed true to the good old Sierra text parser behaviour.

> get liquid

Aw bummer.

BUT WHAT IF WE WENT BACK THE WAY WE CAME?

> look

A crowbar? To smash alien skulls with?



> take crowbar

Pocketing a crowbar? In mah adventure game?

Not seen much use? Despair not, o crowbar! Roger Wilco's here!

So... let's have a look around, shall we?

There is an elevator entrance in the rear of the room as well as two maintenance room doors on the right wall.

The elevator is where the red-haired girl went to. In a typical adventure game fashion, we'll need to make some manipulations before we can access it.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. There's that corpse in the middle of the room.

> examine corpse

> search corpse

You search the body and find...

Swell.

> examine keycard

> take keycard

> take keycard

> take keycard

> examine keycard

BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR AVERAGE KEYCARD?

> fuck keycard

DO NOT LECTURE ME GAME

IT'S AN RPG BECAUSE YOU PLAY THE ROLE OF A PERVERT

OH YEAH? YOU FIGHT LIKE A COW

> fuck body

And with that, the game quits to Windows.

No, really.

What I mean is

THIS ISN'T SPACE QUEST II, KIDS

Such a wonderful reference opportunity wasted.

 

[MMXI]

Quality? Who said anything about quality?

KickAss did.

Woohooo! Another quality Bee LP!!

 

[janjetina]

You are some sort of machine.

 

[Cowboy Moment]

THE MORE LPS YOU START THE MORE LPS YOU ABANDON

WHY DO YOU HATE LPS SO MUCH CROOKED BEE

WHY

 

[Kz3r0]

Don't listen to the defeatists, proceed.
And, it's just me or this is your LP with the highest number of profanities?

 

[Crooked Bee]

And, it's just me or this is your LP with the highest number of profanities?

It's all the text parser's fault.

 

[Sceptic]

Such a wonderful reference opportunity wasted.

Well it's an SQ4 reference instead, kinda. Though the execution in SQ4 was even funnier and is the best drop-to-OS gag ever made.

How good/bad is the game btw? Is it worth trying to play, or should I instead spoil it and follow the LP? Part of me wants to try it because I love SQ, but I also love your work in Playground too much.

 

[Crooked Bee]

How good/bad is the game btw? Is it worth trying to play, or should I instead spoil it and follow the LP?

Follow the LP, of course.

As to how good/bad the game is... just follow the LP and see for yourself.

 

[Tramboi]

Oh. A keycard. In a Space Quest.

 

[Crooked Bee]

Oh. A keycard. In a Space Quest.

Quite a shock isn't it?

 

[Crooked Bee]

Update 2: To shreds

In every adventure game, there comes a moment when you must somehow get out of the room you're in. That moment is now.

So let's have a closer look at the elevator door.

The keycard slot beside the elevator door consists of a slot and an access light.

The access light is currently red... NO ACCESS.

But wait! We've got the keycard!

Before we insert something into the slot, however, let's examine that console.

How to play an adventure game: When you see a button, push it!

> push button

I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.

Oops sorry wrong game.

Yeah I see how well you beefed up security.

Alright, the only thing that remains to do is to bury our dead comrade.

Tough luck.

Out! I want out!

We enter the elevator and take a good look around.

Three buttons?! This game is fucking confusing.

I feel your pain, Mike. Let's try them in order!

> press one

Oh.

> press two

Railroading?

> press three

Railroading!

I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED HERE

OH NO EVERYTHING'S ABOUT TO COLLAPSE

(And no, spellcheckers don't exist in the future.)

Oh come on gimme a break. Nothing is more appropriate in a Sierra(-like) game than the protagonist's death. Nothing, I tell ya.

Another one of our crewmen.

> examine body

> search body

You search the body and find...

I got plenty o' nothing
And nothing's plenty for me

> kiss body

Sounds like a plan!

> examine wall

Meh. Nothing interesting here, so let's head... uhm... west!

There are two escape pods along the back wall and a garbage chute on the left.

Unfortunately, we can't hop in an escape pod just yet.

BUT MAYBE THE CHUTE COULD BE OUR WAY OUT OF HERE?!

Bah! Warnings! Whoever pays attention to those?

> read sign

Oh FFS.

> read sign

Bah, a Jewish conspiracy no doubt, to prevent our intrepid janitor from escaping.

Let's get a-rollin'!

FREEDOM HERE WE COME

FREEDOM BEYOND LIFE AND DEATH

Should've invested more points in Perception.

Next time?

Next time, yay!

Death count: 1 (x1 gone garbage-chuting)

 

[Tramboi]

More AGI gore!

 

[procrastinator]

Been drinking again, eh?

 

[Crooked Bee]

Been drinking again, eh?

HOW DO YOU KNOW

 

[Crooked Bee]

Update 3: Face that only a mother could love

He will live... but only for a time. His death will occur in many years' time on a forgotten planet, saving the lives of others. But it will be his choice, and he will have no regrets.
-- MCA on Roger Wilco's future

Back from the dead, Roger takes a long, hard look around.

Oh yeah... ESCAPE PODS!

WHY THANKS FOR THE EXHAUSTIVE EXPLANATION, GAME!

> use pod

[Intelligence] Must be a power outage.

Let's go look for a way to turn the power back on, then.

A holeful of machines!

Power outage confirmed.

As if we needed another confirmation, duh.

Onwards -- to the east!

HOW MORE GRUESOME CAN THIS GAME GET?!

As far as I'm concerned, the decor could use colours incorporating the always favoured black with autumn hues.

Searching the first body produces no result. What about the second one?

The fuck you're staring at?!

OH WAIT THERE IS NO SECOND BODY

"Dientigrated"? Is that some sort of acronym? A denigration? A special disintegrating diet?

> search body

HOW DOES MY HEAD STAY UP THERE, THEN?

Oh, just shut up already.

A note? I fucking love notes!

> read note

Oh you tease.

> read note

Captain Picante? Hmm. Nope, doesn't ring any bells.

And here we are: THE BRIDGE!

There are two ensign's chairs in front, as well as the main viewscreen, and three officer's chairs at center.

Oh my look at all these bodies! You could say the crew has been--

ABRIDGED!

Rated R for RRRAMPAGE!

This was Captain Picante. Get your facts straight, game!

Captain? More like A BUM!

WHAT HAPPENED HERE

RIP Lieutenant Smorf With a name like that, your life must've been hell anyway.

There is something in his right hand.

Shiny?

> search body

You search the body and find...

No shiny.

Ah well, some loot is better than no loot.

> take microchip

> examine microchip

Why, yes, Roger is pretty ignorant. Why do you ask?

And while we're at it, why don't we examine those back wall consoles, one by one.

There must be major damage to this area of the ship.

No first aid for us.

No automap for us either.

Although the main controls seem to be damaged, this information could probably be helpful later.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU HANDHOLDING!

But yeah, the above is almost certainly probably helpful.

And even science and engineering ARE NOT ALL POWERFUL AFTER ALL

It appears to be the end of a previous transmission.

Now that is a face of evil if I ever saw one.

And have YOU, dear reader, seen this face before? TELL ME ABOUT YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES, READER.

 

[Crooked Bee]

DON'T WANT THIS LP TO CONTINUE? YOU CAN HELP STOP IT! VOTE YES FOR LOBOTOMIES FOR ADVENTURE GAME DESIGNERS!

4: Girl -> virus -> crash time

Previously on Space Quest Zero... WE SAW A FACE!

"At last I will reap sweet revenge on the scientific community that mocked me!" quoth the face.

OR DID IT?

WE DO NOT KNOW YET.

To the east of the bridge is some kind of control room with a whopping two pylons.

What do we do here? Do we construct additional pylons? Do we recharge the two current ones? Do we...

No, we just walk off the edge.

So that's what you call living on the edge, eh, Roger?

Hmm, I'm pretty sure I already saw those sharp protrusions in another Space Quest game.

Yeah, fuck you too.

So where do we start?

> examine couplings

Oh really?

In the future, consoles are EVERYWHERE. Doesn't that frighten you, Codex? AREN'T YOU AFRAID?

> push button

Hey wait we've got the chip!

> use microchip

PYLONS RESTORED

Hell yeah. Now we can finally push that button!

> push button

Welp.

Back on our way to the escape pods, we notice the machinery is now operating.

Great! Maybe we can escape from here, after all!

OH MY IT'S THAT MYSTERIOUS RED-HAIRED GIRL

OH WAIT SHE'S ALL BLUE AND ALIEN

STOP THAT YOU PERV THIS ISN'T A BIOWARE GAME

Unfortunately, Roger is slow and the girl escapes before he can react.

Does that girl mean harm? Or do I sense a xenoromance looming on the horizon? OR BOTH?

It is a mystery for now!

But the important thing is, we can now flee the station! Thankfully there were two pods, and not just one.

Open Sesame!

Finally.

Hmm now what do we have here?

> examine monitor

> examine buttons

There are also four multicolored buttons: purple, blue, orange, and green. Each represents a level of hailing frequency, and has different meaning. You vaguely remember that one of them was a distress signal.

Ooh yeah so that hailing frequency table we saw earlier should be helpful after all.

Let's check it out... Hmm, orange button = distress signal. Got it.

> pull throttle

Or should I say...

FULL THROTTLE

Oh FFS.

> push power

DAT HAND

You hear the locking mechanism on the hatch behind you. The interior of the pod comes alive.

Let's now have a look at the monitor.

> examine monitor

Virus detected? What? WHO PUT IT THERE?

Eh whatever. Let's just ignore that for now. Nothing should come out of that, I'm sure.

NO THAT GREEN BLEEPING DISK DRIVE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING WHY DO YOU ASK

None of the buttons can be pressed at the moment...

...but we can finally pull that throttle!

Is this the moment where we can just sit back and watch?

Yes because it's...

CUTSCENE TIME!

First the blue alien girl's escape pod safely leaves the screen, and then we follow...

BUT WAIT WHAT'S THAT

Oh damn the engine has died on us.

Just our luck.

Okay, so let's just sit back while we peacefully drift off into space...

This isn't happening.

No no no this is so wrong.

KABOOM

I guess we should've paid attention to that virus warning, after all.

Rewind...

Yeah let's eject that disk.

Virus contained now. Phew.

Next time you want to get rid of a virus, folks, just eject the disk.

But back to our grind...

The engine dies again, but at least this time the pod doesn't freakin' explode.

Which means we can just activate the distress signal and sit back and...

WHOA

Crash time!

SLAM DUNK

WELCOME TO LABION

UNDERWATER LABION

Oh my this isn't looking good

And we're being pulled by the current!

Being under water is bad for your health!

I see.

Death count: 4 (x1 gone garbage-chuting, x1 gone flying, x1 gone into space, x1 gone swimming)

Next time: "Labion sucks!" (c) Richard Cobbett of RockPaperShotgun shame

 

[Kz3r0]

Congratulations in escaping the Next_Gen PS2 controller.

 

[lightbane]

This fangame does not contain enough deaths .
Thanks for the lp, though, the game is more or less funny.

 

[CappenVarra]

In the future, consoles are EVERYWHERE. Doesn't that frighten you, Codex? AREN'T YOU AFRAID?

Not only that, but the station is controller-shap... Damn, Kz3r0 beat me to it

But yes, I am afraid

 

[procrastinator]