GONE MOPPING: Let's play Space Quest Zero!

Update 8: In which Roger's janitorial training is put to use!

Previously on Space Quest Zero, a murder most foul took place! A murder... by coat hanger!



It must have taken a great deal of strength to kill Dr. Bowdler in such a manner as this.

You know what, suddenly I don't think going after the murderer is such a good idea anymore.

Why's that?

Well, er... They say a murderer always returns to the scene of his crime, you know. So I guess I'll... just wait for him here.

......

Yeah, no rush, right? Let's take our time. It's not like the clock is ticking or anything.

Hey, Roger?

Yeah?

What if the murderer... actually comes back here?

What?

Just think about it for a moment.

.....

.....

...............

.....

Okay, let's not.

Let's not what?

Let's not dilly dally. So.... They also say a murderer always makes some slip. Let's find one. And then get out of here.

Not that's the Roger we know and love!

Shut up. ...Please.

> look



There is a table to the south, and a doorway and media case to the north.



Let's examine it all in order, one by one.



Feng shui? What is this, a Chinatown lab?



Now let's take a look at the media case over there.

The media case contains a wealth of cartridges, most of which are uninteresting to you.



Closer to... where?

Here?



Nope.

Here maybe?



> take blue

You take the blue cartridge.



Fuck yeah, time to quit that boring janitorial work and become an insurance salesman!

Hey, I love my job!

You do?

I do.

.......

Took you by surprise there, eh?

Whatever. Let's get back to searching through the media case, shall we?



Another cartridge!

> take green

You take the green cartridge.



How do you feel about cloning, Roger? I hear it can bring a ton of fun...

...and profit?

Oh come on, you know I don't care much about profit.

You don't?

I... Oh you. Nevermind, you can stick to mopping floors your entire life for what I care. Moving on.



The bed looks comfortable, despite its size.

> search bed

There is nothing of interest in or on the bed.

Nothing there.

> examine replicator



And what about that couch in the middle of the room?

> examine couch



> search couch

Searching the cushions of the couch you find...



Hmm, interesting...

> read paper



So there's a group of people who want to stop another group of people from artificially producing even more people?

Producing slaves, most likely.

How do you know?

Intuition.

Bah. What good your intuition has ever been?

I'll let that slide.

Slaves are handy, I think. Doing all your work for you, massaging your feet... Mmmm.

You're... a capitalist, Roger!

What?

Good gosh, my (adopted) son is capitalist scum!

Wait... you're a commie? I'M STUCK FOLLOWING THE ORDERS OF A FUCKING COMMIE?! Fuck this shit. I want out of here. I want nothing to do with you.

Wake up, son. You're a goddamn space janitor. You can't be a janitor and a capitalist at the same time.

I... I can! The laboratory production of humanoids will sublate that contradiction!

A janitor, a capitalist, AND a Hegelian. Oh my. Too bad I'm in control of things here, Roger. I'M the one playing this game. So as a punishment... I'll make you my bitch.

Hey! Wasn't that supposed to be my line?

Quiet, Romero. We're having a heated moment here.

.......

I'll MAKE you go against EVERYTHING you hold dear, Roger. We'll make the cloning stop... together.

Nooooooooooooo!

That's what you get for speaking against your mother, Roger.

Now bear with me.



The treadmill is for working out. Just walk onto it and push the button.

Roger that.

.......

Haha.



Work it out, Roger!

You turn the machine on.





More!

Enough!

MORE!!





Now for a most non-intuitive thing...

> use beaker



Hear that, Roger?

I'm more troubled by the fact I've just collected my sweat into a beaker, truth be told.

You haven't really been following this game's puzzles, have you?

......

I knew it.

We NEED your sweat, Roger. Sweat it out.



What if we exit the room right after working out?



The bees! They're getting closer!

Uh-oh. They're probably attracted by my sweat--- Aaaahhh!





Guess we forgot one important detail: the bees are attracted to sweat.

So what do we do?

Why, we put you into the decontamination chamber, of course!



Think of it as taking a shower.

> use chamber



Golden shower!

......

Heehee.

I hate you.



We safely make it past the bees and back into the lab.



The main control button is plainly marked "analyze."

Now we must put your sweat to use, Roger.

> analyse sweat

Analyse this!




A few salty crystals are all that remains of the beaker and its contents. You put them in your pocket.

> examine crystals



Look what your sweat has been turned into!

Ewww.

My, my, aren't we tender today!



Rejoice, Roger! A brave new world awaits us behind that door!



Really?



Or maybe not.

> look



There is also a loud humming that seems to be caused by the two large generator bays.

> examine generators



An actuator! You think we should take it, Roger?

No! That's illegal! What if by shutting down that generator we cut somebody off life support?!

> take actuator



*Sigh*



Oh shit someone's coming this way!



A purple alien guard!

How do you know it's an alien? He's in full armor!

Meta-gaming knowledge.

That's neat. So you also know what happens next?

Sure I do.



Bam!



Grrr.

Sticking out of cover is NEVER a good idea, is it? Mass Effect taught me that much.

I've no idea what you're talking about.

You lucky bastard.

So... the guard comes down here for a few seconds, then goes back up the stairs for another few, then comes back down, goes back up, etc. What do you think we should do about it, Roger?

Um, run for my life maybe?

Wrong. Ever heard of a game called Thief? It's even on GOG now!

You want me to stealth my way through? You're crazy!

I am, and I do. Now get to it!



Aha, perfect! Hide in the shadows!

Now to the corner near the garbage---



Wait, what's this? You heard something?



This might be important! Let's hear it out!

But I may be killed if I just keep standing here!

Oh shut up. You know the game pauses whenever text pops up.

Oh, okay then.



"I want you to shoot anything that comes up those stairs, no exceptions."

You heard that, Roger?

Sure I have. So what's next? We launch our poor slime devil up the stairs or what?

Nah, I have a better idea.



You kidding?!

Come on, Roger, your janitorial training's got to be good for SOMETHING!









So what do we have here?

We have a corpse. Of a guard.



His pulse rifle lies on the floor next to him.

In full armor. With a pulse rifle nearby.

.....

......

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Roger?

You bet I am.

> take rifle

You take the pulse rifle.



You strip the poor guard bare, and pocket his snazzy new threads.



He's.... he's green!

Told ya.



....

Don't even THINK of taking his underwear, Roger! This isn't a Japanese game!

*Sigh*

Shouldn't you, like, wear your new armour?

Sounds good!

> wear armor

You put on the armor.



Hey, you're looking damn fine, Roger! This armour suits you.

Thanks, mom!

Hmm, let's see... Pulse rifle in hand, fully armoured and ready to kick ass...

Okay, maybe this game isn't so bad after all.

Death count: 11 (x1 gone garbage-chuting, x1 gone flying, x1 gone into space, x1 gone swimming, x1 gone plant feeding, x1 gone berried, x1 gone chasm crawling, x1 gone spike climbing, x1 gone down the drain, x1 gone bee-feeding, x1 gone out of cover)

Next time: oh show me the way to the next pretty girl whisky bar
oh don't ask why oh don't ask why

I AM NOT MAD

Just a little bit bored.

Nope, I'm afraid not.

> drink sweat

....



Phew, almost got me worried there for a moment.

Damn straight.

Just like this game was inspired by the original Space Quest.

Sorry, folks, my real-life workload has picked up, but I should be able to do an update in a few days. Stay tuned.

Eh, don't worry. There are people on the codex with weirder fetishes