A Fistful of Collars: BEASTMASTURBATION

[oldmanpaco]

I laugh at your first updates! The massive amount of content will crush you like Micoselva trying to solo the Twisted Rune!

edit: Also the way to go is with Nalia not Jan.

 

[MicoSelva]

I laugh at your first updates! The massive amount of content will crush you like Micoselva trying to solo the Twisted Rune!

Yeah, that might be the one first place I'll go down from Insane to Core difficulty. Maybe.

edit: Also the way to go is with Nalia not Jan.

What? No!

Please, give the boot to Yoshimo, recruit Jan.

This.

 

[Crooked Bee]

Please, give the boot to Yoshimo, recruit Jan.

This.

 

[oldmanpaco]

Why would you take a multi-class thief/mage over a pure duel class thief/mage.

You don't need thieves! Looks like he didn't install any mods so he can stack potions of thievery if he needs to.

Of course with that being said since there are not difficulty mods installed either he probably won't need 3 lvl 20 mages at end game.

 

[MicoSelva]

Jan is more fun to have around.

 

[Darth Roxor]

The master has our nuts. He has forced us into concubinage.

Time to get this show on the road. That is, get Jan

 

[PrzeSzkoda]

The mob demands a minstrel show!

 

[Edward_R_Murrow]

So, working on Episode 1 now, and I've got a little issue. I need some avatars for a few NPCs with extended amounts of dialogue. Does anyone know of some sort of repository of sprites or "paperdolls" especially for humans/demi-humans? If not, I can MacGyver something, it would just look better if I didn't have to.

 

[oldmanpaco]

5000 here.

http://portraitcity.blackwyrmlair.net/

edit: hmmm. I seem to recall being able to download zip files with all the portraits. Maybe that was from someplace else.

 

[Crooked Bee]

MOAR!

 

[procrastinator]

 

[Edward_R_Murrow]

Episode 1Not) At Baldur's Gate (S1E1)

Not much information here).

This merchant has little information either, nor much useful right now.)

:Yoshimo, you know anywhere we might find some gear?

:You could try the Adventurer's Mart...it is close by.

:Adventurer's Mart? You mean they have a whole store dedicated to serving adventuring types? You've got to be kidding. How would they stay in business?

:No. I imagine they do a good business equipping noble sons and daughters who desire some sort of diversion from their typical lifestyles.

:Not much here that we can afford. Though we can sell off some excess loot. Maybe we can find an inn somewhere and rest for a bit too.

****

:Alright then, now we need a plan.

:No, really? I thought we would just wander around aimlessly and then do the bidding of the first person to wave a purse of coins in front of us, ordering us to retrieve some item or kill some creature. Then repeat until every task, quest, and job in a thirty mile radius has been completed. Then we travel and do it all over again.

:That's a good plan. I think we should do that.

:*snicker*

:That's what we did to stop Sarevok. We even took it further! We wandered around miles of woods, plains, and seacoast! Great fun too!

:Oh yes, and we owe that glorious and oh-so-efficient campaign to our brilliant captain. We may have taken months to sort out the Iron Throne, but golly, we sure did pull a lot of petty gems out of gibberling crotches, deliver plenty of winter wolf pelts, and even commit genocide against a few xvart villages.

:Yes we did! Evil was righteously kicked in the rump!

:See...look at the support for your our dear leader and the cunning plans he comes up with. Truly a ringing endorsement!

:We got the job done. Without the experience and things we acquired, we may never have prevailed against the Iron Throne.

:Yes, killing endless gnolls translated perfectly into fighting well-armed warbands...

:If I may interject...we may be best served by going to the Slums district, the Copper Coronet in particular. All sorts frequent that place...including information brokers.

:Someone here can at least come up with constructive input...

:*rolls eyes*

:Let's move out.

:Yoshimo, you heard of this man?

:Alright...we'll talk this over with you.

****

:Just who is this organization?

:Sure thing, we'll get the gold. (Just accept the offer for now, maybe a better one will come up. Too early to be burning bridges.)

****

Meanwhile...at the Cowled Wizard's HQ

imoensay:Listen to me please, I didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to be stuck with him. Please!

:Stop protesting, girl, they're not listening. You are coming with me...

****

:I know you've been through some shit, we all have, but can you try to be less of a goddamn bitch, Jaheira?

:I think you already wished so.

****

:Hey, you two, we're trying to get into the Copper Coronet.

:Oh look, tough guys.

:Not so tough now...I'd say you're more tenderized.

:Alright, let's go in.

****

:Hey...what do you mean by lots of your kind?

:Oh. My. God. I am, like, so totally sorry. That was, like, totally insensitive of me. Ugh! Just my rich white privilege speaking out.

:Yeah...whatever....just didn't peg you as the type to associate a lot with mercenaries.

:Uh...oh! Yeah, mercenaries! That's what I meant! Yeah, I help mercenaries and adventurers a lot! They're just so...interesting and dangerous. Why they're so totally different from my, like, boring rich family.

:Rich family? *eyebrow raise*

:Oh right! Yeah! I, like, need some help about that! Our families keep, which is completely overdone and so not sustainable, has been besieged by monsters! I mean, creatures of poor socio-economic standing. They probably just need something to eat...

:Yeah, like my blade. Lots of iron, good for those poor, anemic monsters.

:...and my family is, like, totally in danger! You need to help them!

:Two questions: First, what's the payment? Second, how come you aren't there with your family?

:Well, like, I'm here because I hate the oppressive environment my family puts me in! They make me learn etiquette and tell me I don't behave “like a proper lady”. My aunt is always complaining about how much of a tramp I look like, and they want me to marry some stuffy noble! I'd rather be with some big, hansome, muscular...

:Aaaaand what about the money?

:Well, maybe, like, I dunno, ten thousand gold, or something?

: Done! We'll meet you there in a few days. We just have to take care of a few things.

:So you just signed us up on some fool's errand in which we get to repel an invading force when we know neither what it is made of or how many there are?

:I have to agree. She did not give us much information. Seems fishy.

: Don't worry. It can't be much, probably just a tribe of goblins or something driven close to human lands.

****

:Hey, what sort of things can you do in this establishment?

:Well, I think it's time we had a little fun.

:Fighting...

:And...uh...watching fights. (Damn...that gnome didn't stand a chance...the house makes a killing off these fights...)

aybe we should go rest now. I'll see you all later.

:Girl, why is there a tent in the room?

:You know, never mind, I don't care.

****

:So how was your rest?

:Great! Especially seeing as I didn't have to share a space with your nagging mouth!

:Alright, I got a lead on some stuff going down on the Docks. Maybe we can find some more work there. We need the money to finance the expedition we'll be taking in a few days.

****

:What are you saying? You piss them off?

:In a way. We had best meet with the local leadership of the organization, one Renal Bloodscalp, in order to...reconcile before any sort of conflict might occur.

That could be advantageous...meeting with a higher-up like that.)Alright, let's go.

****

Damn! This situation looks familiar! Another one of those strange women tearing through some thieves.)

:That was strange. Anyone have any idea what that was?

:Boo says that lady may have been a vampire. Boo is very smart about these things.

:Yeah, sure thing...(He could be right. But what are vampires doing killing thieves?)

:Shepard. Look at this.

This might be the guild war we've heard about.)

:Let's go see that Renal.

****

erhaps we could come to some sort of agreement here. Anything you need done? We need some cash.

:Yes, I do have something you could help with. Outsiders would be very helpful in dealing with a problem I have.

:And that is?

:You see, I believe a leiutenant of mine, Mae'Var, has gotten a bad idea, namely deposing me and taking over business in this area. Naturally, I find that to be unacceptable.

:So you want us to take him out?

:Not exactly, I need proof of his treachery.

:So what do we do?

:One last question; how well does this pay?

:Get the job done, then we'll discuss payment.

****

:This looks like the place.

****

:We've been transferred here.

:Really, and why would I believe that? Why shouldn't I have you killed on the spot now?

:I want you to go and steal a holy symbol from the high priestess of the Talos temple. She wears it most of the time, so you may have to get creative about it. Go now.

****

:Looks like that takes us to the Temple district.

****

:Damn! An ambush! Get ready!

:Jaheira, get us some backup!

:*drinks a potion and spews out flame*

:Shit! That mage just took out Yoshimo with a lightning bolt! Focus on her!

:Suck it mage! Let's finish this!

****

:Good thing we're headed to the Temple district, we can get Yoshimo resurrected.

:Why do you trust him?

:He just died for us. I think that speaks volumes. Plus, we need a thief for this operation.

****

:Welcome back to the world of the living Yoshimo.

:I...did not expect you to be so kind. I am in your debt.

:No problem.

****

:A bunch of crazies. Let's keep moving.

****

:Here we are. What's the plan?

:I could try and pickpocket it off her, though it is risky.

:We might not have much of a choice. If things go bad for us, we'll just have to make them go bad for her.

:You don't intend to actually fight a whole temple of Talosians, do you?

:If need be...yeah.

:You never cease to amuse. Good luck Yoshimo, for all our sakes.

****

Hmmm...this isn't it....I'll have to try again.)

Got it! Time to get out of here!)

:I got it.

:Alright, let's scram.

The crew now has a possible lead on Irenicus and Imoen, and has taken up some jobs to try and raise the funds necessary for the information. But who are they buying it from? Tensions flare in the group as well. Will they be able to keep together long? Will there actually be meaningful content or plot development? Find out in the next episode of A Fistful off Collars.

 

[Darth Roxor]

 

[korenzel]

All this antagonism towards Jaheira... I can't see her remaining with the party for long, especially when another single class druid is available.

 

[Rod Rodderson]

All this antagonism towards Jaheira... I can't see her remaining with the party for long, especially when another single class druid is available.

Cernd isn't very good, though. And is the most boring party character in the game. Jaheira can get really good.

Anyway, this LP seems to have started off rather nicely. Let's hope it continues that way (for all parties involved).

 

[MicoSelva]

I like.
Great that the updates keep appearing and hope it stay that way

Spoiler

all the way to killing Amelissan.

 

[RK47]

Will there be sex?

 

[ghostdog]

All this antagonism towards Jaheira... I can't see her remaining with the party for long, especially when another single class druid is available.

You mean especially when you can get Viconia, after all motherfucker Shepard isn't going to be a goody two-shoes, is he ?

 

[Crooked Bee]

Great update!

I thought we would just wander around aimlessly and then do the bidding of the first person to wave a purse of coins in front of us, ordering us to retrieve some item or kill some creature. Then repeat until every task, quest, and job in a thirty mile radius has been completed. Then we travel and do it all over again.

A true sis.

Ugh! Just my rich white privilege speaking out.

 

[MicoSelva]

How about an update, Mr. Murrow, sir?

 

[GarfunkeL]

Haha, that was quite amusing and surprisingly well written! Can't wait to see how you play Jaheira and Viconia against each other!

 

[Edward_R_Murrow]

Episode 2: Get a Haircut and Get a Real Class

Last time, Shepard and his party had accepted the job of one Renal Bloodscalp; a job to infiltrate the guildhall run by a scheming subordinate. As part of this infiltration, they were given a task. Steal the Weathermistress of Talos' gaudily huge necklace. The crew succeeded in the endeavor, but tensions have flared, and the group has agreed to split up for a day or two, and go their separate ways.

:Yes...I am very interested in that book of yours. (Come on, look away now.)

:Ah yes...that's a popular one with the kids today. They love their lich romance novels. They aren't even real liches though...they don't have any of the defining flaws.

Good, he's going on a rant. He won't be paying much, if any attention to his wares, especially his scrolls.)

:They don't have their souls in vulnerable phylacteries, they just regenerate!

:*nods*

:And they don't even practice necromancy and demonology...nope, it's all just flashy stuff. Fireballs, lightning bolts, and meteor storms...not even a horrid wilting or a skull trap!

:That is quite, uh, disturbing...*grabs a bunch of scrolls in a surreptitious manner*

:And that's not even the worst thing! The sun doesn't burn them, get this, they just shimmer in it!

:Truly it is a great decline in the high standards of novels with a lich protagonist, falling from the lofty heights they once occupied. *manages to grab an entire case of scrolls*

:Yeah! You get it! You understand my complaining! Tell you what, I'll give you a discount!

:That would be most appreciated. My, uh....daughter will be most pleased. Thank you very much.

****

:Oh...great idea, sending Yoshimo to pilfer a huge portion of a merchant's wares. What happens when he finds out a great quantity of his merchandise missing? What happens when he calls the guard? Do you ever try to think ahead?

:And what is he going to say? Magic isn't exactly legal here. “Oh hey, Mr Amnish Soldier, my illegal magical wares were stolen, could you please go get them back? Pretty please?” You need to think a bit, Jaheira.

*Yoshimo returns*

:You get em?

:Yes, though I don't know what you intend to do with them.*hands Shepard all the scrolls*

:I've got some plans. We'll all meet at the Copper Coronet in two days or so, alright?

:*nods*

:Wherever the hell that is...(Not like I care.)

Mundane fighting skill might not be enough. I need something more.)

Magic might be exactly what I need to be able to more effectively grab collars. I'm gonna need more firepower to fight Irenicus and anyone fool enough to follow him.)

:Hold on to your butts.

Montage time!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYaQgp8DFCk

Frustrated, degraded, down before you're done
Rejection, depression, can't get what you want
You ask me how I make my way
You ask me everywhere and why
You hang on every word I say
But the truth sounds like a lie

Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes
Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall

Obsessive, compulsive, suffocate your mind
Confusion, delusions, kill your dreams in time

You ask me how I took the pain
Crawled up from my lowest low
Step by step and day by day
'Till there's one last breath to go

Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes
Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall

Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' in
Let another round begin, live to win
Yeah, live, yeah, win

Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes
Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting 'till you fall

Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' in
Let another round begin, live to win
Live to win
Live to win

:One last thing to take care of.

:I just got a haircut, and got a real class.

Still haven't got my fighting skills back, have to hope I can handle what comes my way for a little bit more.)

****

:What seems to be the matter here?

:Something's gone wrong at the circus.

:What? The lion tamer didn't do a very good job?

****

:Welcome to the master Kalah's domain. To pass further you must answer a riddle.

:Always with the riddles, huh? Fine. Shoot.

Suddenly I feel much more experienced after answering a simple riddle...weird.)

****

:Shit! An ogre that can speak almost perfectly! You must be one of the circus attractions!

:I'm not an ogre! This is just an illusion!

:So you aren't a circus freak?

:Well...um...not really...no...

:So what's going down here?

:Kalah! He...he..he's gone mad! I don't know how he did it, but he turned the circus in..into this.

:He was always just a silly gnome illusionist. Never even good at magic. I don't know how he could do this.

:You'd be surprised what people could learn about magic in a short while.

:Anyway, is there a way to break this spell?

:You would have to stop Kalah. Oh, you have to stop him before he kills anyone else!

:I'll see what I can do...

:Wait! There's some things you should know. It looks like there are peasants here b-but...

:I'll go pay those “peasants” a visit then.

****

Can't fight too well now...I'm gonna need to try a spell...maybe a stoneskin spell. Maybe I can polymorph myself too. A sword spider might do the trick.)

:Just your friendly neighborhood man-spider here!

:That worked well enough. (I might not even need my fighting skills back...)

:Here. *gives the “ogre” the sword*

*the illusion is dispelled*

:Oh thank you. I'm back to my true form. Now, you have to stop Kalah! You have to find my Uncle Quayle!

Quayle? That name sounds familiar.) How am I supposed to find this guy? I don't think I know him well enough to pick him out of all the illusions here. You want to come along to help me identify him....or his body?

:Right, let's go find him then, and put a stop to these illusions.

Looks like I can use my fighting skills again. Score!)

****

And not a moment too soon!) Werewolves! Watch out!

Huh, that should've been a hit...are these not real?)

Knew it! They're illusions. Can't hurt you if you know they aren't real.)

:Hey girl, the werewolves aren't real.

:O-okay...

:Gimme a sec.

:That should take care of them.

:Wow...you sure are good at magic. How long have you been studying it?

:Well, I started about 6 hours ago...

:Tee-hee...you're funny too.

:Whatever, let's find this Kalah.

:Be ready for anything...we seem to be close to Kalah's place.

****

:Ah...I see my beast has brought a plaything. Good work my beast.

:I..I'm not...

:That's it. I've had enough of this. You're dead Kalah.

:Wha-AUGH!

:There's a new ringmaster in this circus.

:*dies choking on his blood*

*the illusion is dispelled; the circus returns to normal*

:Thank goodness. Kalah's madness is at an end.

:And it's all thanks to you..um...

:Shepard.

:Well, thank you Shepard. You saved everyone here.

:Have we met before? Maybe near Baldur's Gate?

:Couldn't tell you. A lot of shit happened to me recently...everything is a little fuzzy. We may have met, and if we did, it was probably on decent terms. People that meet me on bad terms tend to not live long.

:Er....right.

:So all this was that gnome, huh? *gestures at Kalah's corpse*

:Yes, though where he got the power...I couldn't tell. He was never much of a wizard. Just a silly circus performer who everyone laughed at. Pitiable, really. Anyway, thanks again for stopping that madman. Anything I can do for you?

:Gold's always good. I need some to rescue a close friend of mine.

:Wow you're such a heroic type, aren't you? Rescuing people, stopping evil...

:Sorry, but I don't have much gold. Reparations are going to be in order...I'll be lucky if the circus stays afloat after all this business. The barristers are going to take me to town for this...

:So this was all pro bono adventuring?

:Well...err....

:I know! I can go with him, and help him find his friend. I'm a good healer! I can help out! Really!

:I don't know if that's a....

:Uh...well...if you want to, okay....but I'll miss your...help...around the circus...

:Really, that might not be the...

:Oh, you're so nice Uncle Quayle!

Are they even listening?)

:Alright...come along if you want...uh...Aerie.

:This is going to be so exciting! I've never seen much outside the circus. Thank you so much.

****

Alright, I've got to ditch this girl. She's got to have some issues. Way too clingy. Also seems like she's kind of the circus ride...Quayle seemed pretty jealous, and it's definitely no coincidence that Kalah made her into an ogre and himself into an ogre as well. I got enough shit on my plate without babysitting someone like her.)

I'll just get into a fight with some thugs, she'll see real combat, not illusions, and go running scared. I'll let her down easy. Perfect plan. Nothing can go wrong.)

:So, Aerie....

:ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!

What's going on here?)

I can't control my body. Can't control my speech.)

Is someone controlling me?)

Why would they be doing this?)

They're...I'm going to an inn...oh please...good...separate beds...)

A dream? What's going on?)

This is one hell of a mind screw.)

Who's doing this!? Why?!)

:I WILL TEAR YOU APART SHEPARD, PIECE BY PIECE!

Who are you?! What do you want?!)

:I WILL SHOW YOU TRUE POWER!

No use. Whatever this thing might be, it ain't going to spill it.)

At least it isn't doing anything too crazy. Playing therapist for an emotionally damaged elf isn't that bad; I could be watching myself charge a nest of dragons.)

Yeah, you are pretty despicable. Do you ever stop whining?)

No argument here.)

Aw hell no...)

I don't like where this might be going...)

I'd love to go to those places as well...just minus one set of damaged goods. But no, if I get control of my body back, I'll likely be going from rape dungeon to sodomy stronghold for year after year, killing hordes of goblinoids, undead, and other assorted evils.)

This ain't good...)

AW! HELL! NO!)

FUCKING HELL! An amputee! A GODDAMN AMPUTEE! WHY?)

:I KNOW YOU FEEL THIS SHEPARD!

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I FEEL THIS!)

OH GOD! THE STUMPS!)

This is some fucked-up, repugnant shit...I'll never forgive your ass for this!)

:RELEASING CONTROL!

:Wha-my body! I have control of my body back!

:That good, huh?

Sometimes I really hate my life...)

****

:Yeah...bye...

:I am never going to the circus again. Never.

Shepard's crew separated, leaving him alone to focus on becoming a mage. After doing so, Shepard, on his own, investigated a circus under the spell of an illusionist gone mad. He put an end to the power trip, saving the circus. Afterwards, a young elf woman, Aerie, joined him and Shepard found himself under the control of some mysterious being. Who is this being, and what does it want? And what of Shepard's friends; how did they fare in the past two days? Find out (maybe) later in A Fistful of Collars!

 

[procrastinator]

 

[Darth Roxor]

Poor Shepard, made to endure the most bioware of the bioware romances

 

[Lindblum]

How did you gain all those Exp for training?