Ivar the Boner
Arcane
Well I send myself wrong saves for Heimdall and since I can't continue Heimdall LP yet, I decided to do something else in meantime..
Welcome to let's play of a game that is now (quite rightfully) forgotten and overshadowed by it's sequel: Crusader Kings Deus Vult. I'm doing this as a tribute to something that once was my favorite Paradox game (untill they released sequel) and also as a tribute to the Codex, because codexian LP of CK (as a kingdom of Castille) was first Let's Play I ever saw/read.
This is going to be "in-character" LP but I won't completely "LARP" it, I will only make shit up based on events. Also, please remember that even though characters at the start of the game are based on historical rulers I will NOT treat them as such and I reserve myself right to disrespect them when I will feel like it.
Now let's start this shiat:
"Wiedzcie, panowie, kto nie ruszy dziś. Tam, gdzie Bóg poniósł śmierć i z martwych wstał..."
A call to crusade, call to liberate place of birth and death of Christ from heathens. But we are not entirely sure where exactly christ's place of birth is, and since we are going to play as polish duke - we will start looking around Lithuania...
----------------------------
TABLE OF CONTENT:
Duchy of Mazovia
Update 1 Władysław Herman
Update 2 Władysław Herman
Update 3 Władysław Herman
Update 4 Władysław Herman, Zbigniew (Herman), Jerzy (Herman)
Update 5 Jerzy the Sceptic
Update 6 Jerzy the Sceptic
Update 7 Jerzy the Sceptic
Update 8 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
Update 9 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
Update 10 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
Update 11 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
WE LITHUANIA NAO
Update 12 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 13 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 14 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 15 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 16 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 17 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 18 Gościwuj the Wrathful (now Cumanicus)
Update 19 Gościwuj the Wrathful (now Cumanicus)
Update 20 Imram Who's Father Was Killed By Cumans
Update 21 Imram Who's Father Was Killed By Cumans
Update 22 Imram Who's Father Was Killed By Cumans
Update 23 Paweł Piast
Update 24 Paweł Piast
Update 25 Paweł Piast
Update 26 Paweł Piast
Update 27 Paweł Piast
Update 28 Piskla the Restorer
Update 29 Piskla the Restorer
Update 30 Ziemowit Piast
Update 31 Ziemowit Piast
Commonwealth of Both Potatoes
Update 32 Ziemowit Piast
Update 33 Ziemowit Piast
Update 34 Zygmunt Piast
Update 35 Zygmunt Piast
Update 36 Zygmunt Piast
Update 37 Zygmunt Piast
Update 38 Zygmunt Piast
Update 39 Zygmunt Piast
Update 39 Zygmunt Piast
----------------------------
Update 1 - Władysław Herman
Welcome to let's play of a game that is now (quite rightfully) forgotten and overshadowed by it's sequel: Crusader Kings Deus Vult. I'm doing this as a tribute to something that once was my favorite Paradox game (untill they released sequel) and also as a tribute to the Codex, because codexian LP of CK (as a kingdom of Castille) was first Let's Play I ever saw/read.
This is going to be "in-character" LP but I won't completely "LARP" it, I will only make shit up based on events. Also, please remember that even though characters at the start of the game are based on historical rulers I will NOT treat them as such and I reserve myself right to disrespect them when I will feel like it.
Now let's start this shiat:
"Wiedzcie, panowie, kto nie ruszy dziś. Tam, gdzie Bóg poniósł śmierć i z martwych wstał..."
A call to crusade, call to liberate place of birth and death of Christ from heathens. But we are not entirely sure where exactly christ's place of birth is, and since we are going to play as polish duke - we will start looking around Lithuania...
----------------------------
TABLE OF CONTENT:
Duchy of Mazovia
Update 1 Władysław Herman
Update 2 Władysław Herman
Update 3 Władysław Herman
Update 4 Władysław Herman, Zbigniew (Herman), Jerzy (Herman)
Update 5 Jerzy the Sceptic
Update 6 Jerzy the Sceptic
Update 7 Jerzy the Sceptic
Update 8 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
Update 9 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
Update 10 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
Update 11 Jerzy the "Sceptic"
WE LITHUANIA NAO
Update 12 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 13 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 14 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 15 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 16 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 17 Gościwuj the Wrathful
Update 18 Gościwuj the Wrathful (now Cumanicus)
Update 19 Gościwuj the Wrathful (now Cumanicus)
Update 20 Imram Who's Father Was Killed By Cumans
Update 21 Imram Who's Father Was Killed By Cumans
Update 22 Imram Who's Father Was Killed By Cumans
Update 23 Paweł Piast
Update 24 Paweł Piast
Update 25 Paweł Piast
Update 26 Paweł Piast
Update 27 Paweł Piast
Update 28 Piskla the Restorer
Update 29 Piskla the Restorer
Update 30 Ziemowit Piast
Update 31 Ziemowit Piast
Commonwealth of Both Potatoes
Update 32 Ziemowit Piast
Update 33 Ziemowit Piast
Update 34 Zygmunt Piast
Update 35 Zygmunt Piast
Update 36 Zygmunt Piast
Update 37 Zygmunt Piast
Update 38 Zygmunt Piast
Update 39 Zygmunt Piast
Update 39 Zygmunt Piast
----------------------------
Update 1 - Władysław Herman
From Duchy of Mazovia chronicle "God's Will" by Wańko the Lustful
"There is land that was directly touched by God's hand. Land of justice and wealth, land where food is plenty and technological advances are making people lives easier... but this land is not subject of this chronicle. I'm going to tell you history of most backward part of kingdom of Poland: Duchy of Mazovia..."
Wańko The Lustful circa 1066 anno domini
Since starting as a king is quite lame but I haven't played this game in years so I decided to start with something relatively easy. Historically Mazovia was a shithole during middle ages. Thanks to constant Lithuanian raids it was poor and depopulated (Real chronicles says about astronomical number of polish slaves kidnapped during lithuanian raids, we can't really trust them becuase whole of fucking Lithuania would be speaking polish by thirteen century if those number were true) also it was most narrowminded part of Poland, thanks to being Mazovia I guess. But CK don't really depict it right and duchy of Mazovia is clearly strongest vassal of Poland. Also, our main dude Władysław Herman became king after Bolesław Śmiały went apeshit on a deceitful bishop. But I will do everything to NOT become king of Poland and instead try to form kingdom of Lithuania.
Our duke Władzio himself. With martial skill of 4 he can hold a sword, but not much beyond that. And with intrigue of 10 he can backstab someone... sometimes. He's also selfish, deceitful, arbitrary and indulgent. Cheery guy.
- I might be selfish, deceitful, arbitraty and indulgent... But I'm brother of a king so you can all blow me
"All was well in Mazovia, people were zealous and our liege was wise..."
And this is our bro, king Bolesław Śmiały (The Bold). He's quite good but nowhere as overpowered as they made him in CK2 where he can clean the floor with El Cid with his martial skills. As you can see we are his succesor so we WONT kill him untill he got a son. We don't want to be a king... yet.
And this is how our political situation looks like. We directly control county of Kujawy and Płock and we have Czersk as vassal. The rest is pretty much in hands of our bro because all other vassal of Poland are weak as shit. Poland itself is far from being strongest nation but is extremely secure. "Germans" should leave Poland alone and Russkies are in their "Pizza state" so they should be in no position to threaten Poland.
- Damn Krauts and Fucking Russkies are not our only neighbours though, we also have unwashed pagans at our gates...
"And full of compassion to other people, even those of different status and faith..."
- Wańko! bring me the council member!
Well, we really have only one dude in the council and since its spymaster you can clearly see where Władysław's priorities lays... Sieciech Topór (interesting last name, it means "axe") is pretty good spymaster, we are not planning to assasinate anyone yet but in CK your domain size is dependant on your INTRIGUE skill, reasoning behind this is beyond me.Now we really don't how much to do so we shall start the game, wait for
events and more courtiers (so we can have actual council) and then we'll let Władzio do the talking...
- My Lord, I was busy looking for suitable wife for your highness and I think I found a good, young lady of noble family. She is known for having all skills good wife should have, she's kind...
- Show me her picture Wańko!
- ... Here you go sir.
I choose Sybil because she looks like total bitch and her last name is Montgomery. I don't give flying fuck about here skills or traits.
- Send my marriage proposal Wańko!
Count of Sussex agreed to Władysław'sdemand proposal to marry Sybil. We are poor fuckers so we choose to take duty (not taking it would give us 4 prestige, meh).
- Le daughteeer! you shall mary a duke-e! rejoice, this will be le fantasie moment for the whole familee-e!
After month of travel from Sussex to Płock.
- People of Mazovia! rejoice! Our lord shall marry Sybil de Montgomery!
- Sybila Montgomerska!
After marriage celebration we unpause the game and wait for some royal fucking to commence and hopefully bring us some heirs. Also fun fact, While one of polish dukes was putting poland back together as a kingdom he besieged one castle in Mazovia because guards there did not recognise said duke army right to enter Mazovia. When asked why, they said "Because you are polish!" (in perfect polish language), dukes army leader then asked "Who the hell are you then?" there was much confusion in Mazovian ranks after this question...
While we were waiting for our wife to arrive in Płock we managed to got few more courtiers and now we have whole council assembled. And it's actually quite decent council. We made Sybil our chancellor, since she's Norman she probably know french language so she should be great diplomat...
With monthly income of 6.62 we managed to save enough money to start building forestry in Płock. This will improve our income in Płock by 5%.
There will be a lot of fighting in near future so I decided to start "researching" slashing weapons. Discovery of shortswords and raising noble power in our counties should greatly improve numbers and quality of our knights (best units in the game).
Slightly east from us lays extremely weak chiefdom of Galindia. Unfortunately they are allied with tribe of Prussians who can field more men than we do. To make matters worse Władysław suck donkey balls at warfare so for now we can only stare at pagans and look all scary and shit.
Some time have passed and all royal bedroom gymnastics proved to be still in vain. But we apparently have great reputations and people of Mazovia are proud of us. We gained 'Just' trait (+1 stewardship and -1 martial).
Good job władysław!
After royal tumbling Sybil if fucking speaking in tongues!
She turned out to be pretty decent. She's not prodigy but our child have pretty good chances not to be complete failure.
- Sire, we received letter from our Vassal, count Jarosław of Czersk, he's congratulating you on making Sybil pregnant! this man is devotely loyal to our cause.
Well, is he? REVOKE HIS TITLE!
- But sir...
- DO NOT QUESTION ME!
We done this because MAZOVIA MUST GROW LARGER and we can't wage war with martial skill of 2... also forestry was build.
We have a son!
It's a boy my lord!
- He shall be called Zbigniew!
Władysław decided to celebrate by hunting boars with bishop of greater poland.
Glory is all mine!
Then I noticed that Pommeranians are at war with county of Lubeck. We can raise more troops than Pommeranians AND their leader is hunchback with martial skill of 3. This is our chance to wage sucessful war. Now, there is problem with waging war while being someones vassal. Pommeranians at first will try to sign peace with us but then they will try to do it with our liege and our liege will accept it and this will end our war. Then we will have to declare war on them right away (loosing 100 prestige for declaring war during truce) and they should have no money left to peace out our liege. It's annoying but that's how it is.
We declared war on tribe of pommeranians. Notice that that other people in poland are also at war with them now. But they will just have their armies stand in one place not doing anything. Their armies can be useful if we got our asses handed to us though (which is quite likely with martial skill of 2).
- MEN! RAISE! LET SPILL SOME PAGAN BLOOD!
- This will be glorious!
We joined our regiments and our army outnumbers pagans quite soundly. There are bad news though... Władysław is leading this army.
- FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!
Well, we won but we were fighting only 600 hundred guys led by fucking hunchback.
What the fuck Sybil?
- Immaculate conception...
Whatever, we got siege on our hands!
Pommeranians decided to attack us while we were laying siege to Danzig. Fortunately for us they did not join their regiments and are sending them at us one at the time.
- Well, yeah pregnency is fucking hard to hide!
We decided to "Keep here under watchful eye" (from Danzig). Unfortunately we didn't got 'Suspicious' trait and Sybil is now friends with our spymaster Sieciech, so hes probably the one we ordered to keep eye on her, fucking great.
We crushed pommeranian army and their chief is trying to sign white peace with us. No way!
County of danzig signed peace with the king and we have to "re-declare" war on them loosing 100 prestige.
And then Władysław showed heroism fighting 78 guys...
TWICE!
We are broke and we have to spend some piety and prestige not to get stability hit. We are going to do it beacuse you can't raise realm stability in this game, you have to wait for random event raising it.
We finished the siege on our bro accepted peace offer from Danzig... he got 7 gold pieces for it.
Aaaand we had to declare war on danzig again, it brought us to negative prestige.
Now we have to choose who will raise our heir Zbigniew. We shall do it ourselves loosing some money in the process.
Our son have problems learning to talk so we beat the shit out of him (while sieging Danzig, we probably told him to push siege tower or something). It worked, he learned to talk and did not get any trait for it.
We completely annahilated what was left of Pommeranian army and we continue to lay siege to Danzig. Then I noticed that french landed in stettin, they are our allies but I don't want their help. I don't want france to have any land anywhere fucking near me.
... And then chief of pommerania revoked chief of danzig title and signed peace with king of Poland for 8 gold pieces. We have to declare war on them again.
When it rains, it pours...
Time to lay siege to danzig for the third time!
Guy who is screwing my wife showed me "proof" that my first son is bastard. He's trying to set HIS son as my heir.
Go fuck yourself, he's mine.
We gained 'Reckless' trait. Now we have martial skill of 1.
"Our" second child turned out to also be a boy. He's name will be Jerzy.
AI is constantly sending stacks of 100 guys at us and they managed to severly wound our marshall during one attack.
We finally finished the siege of danzig.
We immidiately send peace offer, demanding ONLY Danzig because I'm scared that our bro will sign peace with them again.
They accepted, and we gained one more county. Unfortunately we loose a lot of money and shitton of prestige and it will take us some time to recover. Beating the shit out of some random pagans around us and accepting shitty peace deal to gain prestige is out of the question since our bro will keep accepting their peace offers and we won't get anything from them.
Mazovia grow larger and Poland now have access to the sea. Problem is, Danzig is pagan and have different culture (Weneds, also slavs but not poles). We set clergy power in Danzig to maximum to speed up religious conversion process. I have no idea how to change speed of culture switch of provinces so we shall leave it as it is for now.
And that's it for this episode. We married a norman chick, make a baby with her, gone to war and our spy master also made a baby with her. Then we conquered Danzig after declaring war on it 4 times.
"There is land that was directly touched by God's hand. Land of justice and wealth, land where food is plenty and technological advances are making people lives easier... but this land is not subject of this chronicle. I'm going to tell you history of most backward part of kingdom of Poland: Duchy of Mazovia..."
Wańko The Lustful circa 1066 anno domini
Since starting as a king is quite lame but I haven't played this game in years so I decided to start with something relatively easy. Historically Mazovia was a shithole during middle ages. Thanks to constant Lithuanian raids it was poor and depopulated (Real chronicles says about astronomical number of polish slaves kidnapped during lithuanian raids, we can't really trust them becuase whole of fucking Lithuania would be speaking polish by thirteen century if those number were true) also it was most narrowminded part of Poland, thanks to being Mazovia I guess. But CK don't really depict it right and duchy of Mazovia is clearly strongest vassal of Poland. Also, our main dude Władysław Herman became king after Bolesław Śmiały went apeshit on a deceitful bishop. But I will do everything to NOT become king of Poland and instead try to form kingdom of Lithuania.
Our duke Władzio himself. With martial skill of 4 he can hold a sword, but not much beyond that. And with intrigue of 10 he can backstab someone... sometimes. He's also selfish, deceitful, arbitrary and indulgent. Cheery guy.
- I might be selfish, deceitful, arbitraty and indulgent... But I'm brother of a king so you can all blow me
"All was well in Mazovia, people were zealous and our liege was wise..."
And this is our bro, king Bolesław Śmiały (The Bold). He's quite good but nowhere as overpowered as they made him in CK2 where he can clean the floor with El Cid with his martial skills. As you can see we are his succesor so we WONT kill him untill he got a son. We don't want to be a king... yet.
And this is how our political situation looks like. We directly control county of Kujawy and Płock and we have Czersk as vassal. The rest is pretty much in hands of our bro because all other vassal of Poland are weak as shit. Poland itself is far from being strongest nation but is extremely secure. "Germans" should leave Poland alone and Russkies are in their "Pizza state" so they should be in no position to threaten Poland.
- Damn Krauts and Fucking Russkies are not our only neighbours though, we also have unwashed pagans at our gates...
"And full of compassion to other people, even those of different status and faith..."
- Wańko! bring me the council member!
Well, we really have only one dude in the council and since its spymaster you can clearly see where Władysław's priorities lays... Sieciech Topór (interesting last name, it means "axe") is pretty good spymaster, we are not planning to assasinate anyone yet but in CK your domain size is dependant on your INTRIGUE skill, reasoning behind this is beyond me.Now we really don't how much to do so we shall start the game, wait for
events and more courtiers (so we can have actual council) and then we'll let Władzio do the talking...
- My Lord, I was busy looking for suitable wife for your highness and I think I found a good, young lady of noble family. She is known for having all skills good wife should have, she's kind...
- Show me her picture Wańko!
- ... Here you go sir.
I choose Sybil because she looks like total bitch and her last name is Montgomery. I don't give flying fuck about here skills or traits.
- Send my marriage proposal Wańko!
Count of Sussex agreed to Władysław's
- Le daughteeer! you shall mary a duke-e! rejoice, this will be le fantasie moment for the whole familee-e!
After month of travel from Sussex to Płock.
- People of Mazovia! rejoice! Our lord shall marry Sybil de Montgomery!
- Sybila Montgomerska!
After marriage celebration we unpause the game and wait for some royal fucking to commence and hopefully bring us some heirs. Also fun fact, While one of polish dukes was putting poland back together as a kingdom he besieged one castle in Mazovia because guards there did not recognise said duke army right to enter Mazovia. When asked why, they said "Because you are polish!" (in perfect polish language), dukes army leader then asked "Who the hell are you then?" there was much confusion in Mazovian ranks after this question...
While we were waiting for our wife to arrive in Płock we managed to got few more courtiers and now we have whole council assembled. And it's actually quite decent council. We made Sybil our chancellor, since she's Norman she probably know french language so she should be great diplomat...
With monthly income of 6.62 we managed to save enough money to start building forestry in Płock. This will improve our income in Płock by 5%.
There will be a lot of fighting in near future so I decided to start "researching" slashing weapons. Discovery of shortswords and raising noble power in our counties should greatly improve numbers and quality of our knights (best units in the game).
Slightly east from us lays extremely weak chiefdom of Galindia. Unfortunately they are allied with tribe of Prussians who can field more men than we do. To make matters worse Władysław suck donkey balls at warfare so for now we can only stare at pagans and look all scary and shit.
Some time have passed and all royal bedroom gymnastics proved to be still in vain. But we apparently have great reputations and people of Mazovia are proud of us. We gained 'Just' trait (+1 stewardship and -1 martial).
Good job władysław!
After royal tumbling Sybil if fucking speaking in tongues!
She turned out to be pretty decent. She's not prodigy but our child have pretty good chances not to be complete failure.
- Sire, we received letter from our Vassal, count Jarosław of Czersk, he's congratulating you on making Sybil pregnant! this man is devotely loyal to our cause.
Well, is he? REVOKE HIS TITLE!
- But sir...
- DO NOT QUESTION ME!
We done this because MAZOVIA MUST GROW LARGER and we can't wage war with martial skill of 2... also forestry was build.
We have a son!
It's a boy my lord!
- He shall be called Zbigniew!
Władysław decided to celebrate by hunting boars with bishop of greater poland.
Glory is all mine!
Then I noticed that Pommeranians are at war with county of Lubeck. We can raise more troops than Pommeranians AND their leader is hunchback with martial skill of 3. This is our chance to wage sucessful war. Now, there is problem with waging war while being someones vassal. Pommeranians at first will try to sign peace with us but then they will try to do it with our liege and our liege will accept it and this will end our war. Then we will have to declare war on them right away (loosing 100 prestige for declaring war during truce) and they should have no money left to peace out our liege. It's annoying but that's how it is.
We declared war on tribe of pommeranians. Notice that that other people in poland are also at war with them now. But they will just have their armies stand in one place not doing anything. Their armies can be useful if we got our asses handed to us though (which is quite likely with martial skill of 2).
- MEN! RAISE! LET SPILL SOME PAGAN BLOOD!
- This will be glorious!
We joined our regiments and our army outnumbers pagans quite soundly. There are bad news though... Władysław is leading this army.
- FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!
Well, we won but we were fighting only 600 hundred guys led by fucking hunchback.
What the fuck Sybil?
- Immaculate conception...
Whatever, we got siege on our hands!
Pommeranians decided to attack us while we were laying siege to Danzig. Fortunately for us they did not join their regiments and are sending them at us one at the time.
- Well, yeah pregnency is fucking hard to hide!
We decided to "Keep here under watchful eye" (from Danzig). Unfortunately we didn't got 'Suspicious' trait and Sybil is now friends with our spymaster Sieciech, so hes probably the one we ordered to keep eye on her, fucking great.
We crushed pommeranian army and their chief is trying to sign white peace with us. No way!
County of danzig signed peace with the king and we have to "re-declare" war on them loosing 100 prestige.
And then Władysław showed heroism fighting 78 guys...
TWICE!
We are broke and we have to spend some piety and prestige not to get stability hit. We are going to do it beacuse you can't raise realm stability in this game, you have to wait for random event raising it.
We finished the siege on our bro accepted peace offer from Danzig... he got 7 gold pieces for it.
Aaaand we had to declare war on danzig again, it brought us to negative prestige.
Now we have to choose who will raise our heir Zbigniew. We shall do it ourselves loosing some money in the process.
Our son have problems learning to talk so we beat the shit out of him (while sieging Danzig, we probably told him to push siege tower or something). It worked, he learned to talk and did not get any trait for it.
We completely annahilated what was left of Pommeranian army and we continue to lay siege to Danzig. Then I noticed that french landed in stettin, they are our allies but I don't want their help. I don't want france to have any land anywhere fucking near me.
... And then chief of pommerania revoked chief of danzig title and signed peace with king of Poland for 8 gold pieces. We have to declare war on them again.
When it rains, it pours...
Time to lay siege to danzig for the third time!
Guy who is screwing my wife showed me "proof" that my first son is bastard. He's trying to set HIS son as my heir.
Go fuck yourself, he's mine.
We gained 'Reckless' trait. Now we have martial skill of 1.
"Our" second child turned out to also be a boy. He's name will be Jerzy.
AI is constantly sending stacks of 100 guys at us and they managed to severly wound our marshall during one attack.
We finally finished the siege of danzig.
We immidiately send peace offer, demanding ONLY Danzig because I'm scared that our bro will sign peace with them again.
They accepted, and we gained one more county. Unfortunately we loose a lot of money and shitton of prestige and it will take us some time to recover. Beating the shit out of some random pagans around us and accepting shitty peace deal to gain prestige is out of the question since our bro will keep accepting their peace offers and we won't get anything from them.
Mazovia grow larger and Poland now have access to the sea. Problem is, Danzig is pagan and have different culture (Weneds, also slavs but not poles). We set clergy power in Danzig to maximum to speed up religious conversion process. I have no idea how to change speed of culture switch of provinces so we shall leave it as it is for now.
And that's it for this episode. We married a norman chick, make a baby with her, gone to war and our spy master also made a baby with her. Then we conquered Danzig after declaring war on it 4 times.