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Well hey, nice bowl of emergency meat ya got there! On that note, who we gon chop up for pelmani while we wait for these things to fuck off? I say butcher that one-eyed fuck Boot or the pampered new guy, kid wanna die anyway and the shifty ass fella can't even clean a shitter without cryin like some space-ho who didun get paid.
Also since we gonna bunker up how about I get to work makin mah silver club huh? Might need a lot of raw materials for, uh... Prototyping an sheit!
Hey, this isn't a tie. 4 people voted for house, 3 for Grimlin. We using special counting system here?
I see Luka-boy's vote doesn't count because he voted for "and traps". Very clever communism tactics, to divide the House vote like this.
If the KKKommissar feels daring (or is more drunk than usual), he can make Boot the new Private Greenbutt. Boot gets his 5 mins of fame, we get a distraction, Grimwulf gets new paint for the Grimlin. Everyone wins.
Well hey, nice bowl of emergency meat ya got there! On that note, who we gon chop up for pelmani while we wait for these things to fuck off? I say butcher that one-eyed fuck Boot or the pampered new guy, kid wanna die anyway and the shifty ass fella can't even clean a shitter without cryin like some space-ho who didun get paid.
Wait whu-!? What morans tipped the fightan vote? Oh figures, fuckin GRIM and Cheato trying to kill off the crew to keep all da bonas! Well hey boss as the residunt melee expert how about I keep watch *behind* blipblob this time around, to keep it safe from attacks yeah?
BAD JUJU! Ain't takin a fuckin step outta dem doors.
Don't worry, you gonna fight them INDOORS.
We can solve our food problems if we kill a few of them, sir. We should try and pick some off. Carefully.
CAREFUL is my second name, private Butt!
It's Boot.
*turns to Bliblablubb standing on her bed* BARNACLE! What do you say?
*GURGLE*
I knew you'd say that! Dat's my gurgle gurl!
Promise me you will protect my child.
No.
But we can always make another one. *winks*
Kommissar! It's high time to make a decision! I say we should stay inside and hold our ground!
Fight! Kill all of them! *crying* Please...
Grimwulf. Listen to me. You must trust my experience on that one. These are no ordinary goats gone mad - I've seen beasts like that befor--
Look me in my fuckin' eye, jackass! LOOK!
...
The other one.
...
Well? Want to know how I got that scar?
Not really.
Fighting a MAD GOAT - that's how!
Heh heh h-- wait, WHU?!
TO ARMS, KOMRADES!! LOCK AND LOAD!!!
You are making a mistake.
What's yer name, boy?
*sigh* Reinhardt.
Then REIGN THESE GOATS HARDER!!
CHETAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!!!
*yawns and mumbles* Grimwulf's battle yelling, huh... *arms her rifle*
Everyone, ON YOUR POSITIONS! KALIN, BLOBRA - you take the central door! CHEETAH, REIGN KHAN - to the workshop door, pronto!! PRIVATE BUTT and UGLY SPANIARD - you're comin' with me to the back door! THAT RAIN OUTSIDE WILL NOT WASH AWAY THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES, I SAY!!!
A moment later.
What about me?
SHUT UP!
*POP*
*long hellish BLEATING outdoors*
ARE YOU READY, KOMRAAAAAAADES?!
*cacophony of warcries, swearing, gurgling, grumbling and weeping*
CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!
*FURIOUSLY crawls outside*
*GURGLE*
*SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK*
*kicks open the door and starts shootin' like there is no tomorrow*
DIEEEEEEEEE!!!
*both open fire at black goats*
*BLEATS AND CHARGES AHEAD*
Bimbo, fall back!
*GURGLE*
*bravely DASHES FORWARD to protect his master*
SLAUGHTER, NO!!
*bites on hellspawn's flesh*
*keeps throwing bullets and insults at the goats*
*bleating becomes enraged, otherworldly, too numerous, too loud - unbearable*
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! TOO MANY OF THEM! BAD JUJU! CLOSE THE FUCKING DOORS, GIT BACK INSIDE!!
Why? In the end... It doesn't matter. *OPENS THE FUCKING DOOR*
Whu-- LIZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURD!!!
*closes his eyes and steps forward to embrace his death*
Fucking retard! *grips his halberd harder* Stay back, Cheetah.
*extends her tentacles, trying to pull Lizzurd back*
SHODAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
BOOT, SPANISH FUCKFACE - FOLLOW ME!! Komrades need help, we shall attack from the flank!
S-Sen--
YES, SIR!
Mierde! MIERDE!!
*goat horde breaks the central door in flinders*
*takes a painful one in his foot* ARGH!
Rein, STEP ASIDE! *shoots the goat*
*BLEATS in agony*
AAAAAAAARGH!!!
*the horde piles up on Reinhardt*
CHEETAH, FALL BACK!! FALL BACK!!!
*tries to keep calm and aim her rifle*
RRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *fighting the URGE TO TEAR EVERYTHING APART*
*completely overwhelm Reinhardt, furiously bleating all the way*
Nnnnnnngh! RUUUUN!!
Damn! *runs to the dining room*
*tries to break free from the goats*
*falls down after a particularly painful strike*
*fires TEH LAZOR as fast as she can*
Fuck, fuck, FUUUUUUUCK!! Too many of them, TOO MANY!!
*pokes the goats with his utterly useless hot branding iron* Senor! SENOOOOOOOR!!
*fires like a berserk* Shoot them, Boot! SHOOT THEM, DAMN YOU!!
*pulls the trigger*
*projecting mindwaves with a menacing, growling urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
*SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEKING call for the dogs*
*aims at the goats, but SHAKES HER RIFLE at he last moment for no reason, then FIRES*
*screams like Conan the Barbarian* UUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Oops.
*pokes the useless stick and swears in Spanish*
SIR, if we die here today - IT WAS AN HONOR, SIR!!
Keep SHOOTING!!
*charge ahead, barking*
*makes a threatening howl, ignoring the pain*
DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS, DIE!!
*both swing their weapons at ever-growing pile of black flesh*
I'm empty! KEEP THEM AWAY, MEN!
*shoot their weapons, but the goats just keep coming*
Burn. *fires another bolt*
Ooooh, nice shot, Senor!
*assaulting the goats from another flank*
You're messing with the wrong colony. *fires*
*SHRIIIEEEEEEEKs and fires too*
*almost gone mental* GWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA *shoots the whole magazine*
*step aside to avoid friendly fire*
*fires her last round*
That's it. Finish them off without me! Reinhardt needs help.
Hahhh... hah... Huff, puff. *breathing heavily*
Sir... I think that was all of them.
We... won?
*PROJECTS MINDWAVES, calling the dogs back*
Come 'ere, you piece of shit.
*charge at the last goat standing*
*crawling back inside*
*but SUDDENLY turns around and FIRES TEH LAZOR*
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! WHAT FUCKING AILS YOU, STUPID SPACE VEGETABLE?!
*almost had a heart attack*
*comes outside with a cigar in his mouth*
None of this matters...
*pshhhhhh* Heroes, I salute you. Today we can sleep in our own houses, in our own beds. A victory well deserved. You've made your Kommissar content. Over and out.
What a ride.
Why am I so aroused?
Can we get some rest now?
NEGATIVE, private! Grab a goat and haul it to the fridge! Then provide medical aid to whoever needs it the most!
... Yes, sir.
*enters the fridge* Lizzurd?
Kek?
You are a mess... Why did you open that door?
Kekeke... The door was opened long before we came here.
Riiiight. You should go to bed.
Can't you hear them calling your name?
*walks away*
A bit later.
You did good today, Grim.
Any casualties?
My dog took some heavy ones for the team. Oh, and Reinhardt too.
*psshhhhh* KOMRADES, dis is your Kommissar again. Make sure the dog receives only the best treatment. Over and out.
Thank you.
Let's go to bed. Could use a nap right now.
I got a better idea...
Meanwhile.
What a day, huh? Fucken Lizzurd nearly got us all killed. And dat veggie too.
They were lucky I didn't have to use my martial arts.
*makes a sound of a dying horror*
SHUDDUP *spits on the goat, hits Luka-boy's ear instead*
Meanwhile.
*clenches his teeth in pain*
Does it hurt?
I'm... hnnnggg... fine. Just do your job and leave me be.
Hold on there, bro.
Don't we have real medicine?
Reserved for the dogs. Kommissar's orders.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
It's either tea herbs or anal candles. Which do you prefer?
... Herbs.
A bit later.
Treatment time, ladies and gentlemen.
Herbs? Again?
Jejeje, no. We are all out of herbs.
B-but there is a bullet in my head!
No need to worry, my angelic hippopotamus. I found a looooot of anal candles.
... Where?
Kommissar gave me a box with "Property of Azira" written on it. I found those anal candles inside, along with three empty bottles of vodka and a "Piloting for dummies" handbook with most of pages torn out. Must have been an interesting person.
Motherfucker thinks he can TORTURE ME AFTER HE DIED?! No! FUCK NO!!
I promise to be gentle. *tosses crudely-shaped anal candle in his hand*
FUCK OFF!!! I have a damn BRUISE on mah FUKEN ARM!!!
Kommissar said that it just needs a liiiitle push.
Meanwhile.
*observes the battlefield*
*dying goats all looking at Lizzurd with what seems to be a sinister smile on their faces*
*smokes another cigar*
This was just the beginning.
I know.
Bow to their will.
What a night.
No casualties among komrades. Yet.
Even if they die from infection or sumth, less mouths to feed. It's a win-win.
Cheetah's husky will be limping for the rest of his glorious life, but it was worth it.
Goddamn Grimdeer will pay for everything, I swear it on Blobra's lazor and Kalin's bonus.
Lukas was pushing the candle back and forth, and not in a gentle manner!
Anal candle..? There is a gunshot wound in your head! It doesn't look so good either...
Don't say you didn't like my special treatment, Senora. My heart will break.
*blushes* I did...
Oh Heavan, am I falling in love again? My beautiful Meatball Queen - neither a man, nor a woman...
Will you fucking SHADDAAAAP?!
I've tended to Kalin as well.
How are you holding up, Kalin?
MY ASS HURTS MORE THAN MY FAKEN ARM - dat's how!!
Which means your arm is healing.
Someone needs to drag the goat corpses to the fridge. I can cook something tasty out of their putrid flesh.
Eh. Let the dogs do it.
*enters the room* What if we are all dead, and everything we see is just a part of some greater being's imagination?
I'm gonna drown ye in the wash bucket - imagine that!
Water is life, kek. Me? I see death...
Da fug are you talking 'bout?
*finishes Krivol's treatment* I'll bring you something to eat.
Thank you, sweet, sweet child!
A bit later.
Do we have something else to eat..?
Mm? It's your own cooking.
I know! It's Shoggoth porridge, silly. Not inteded for humans to eat.
... Just... *sigh* We need to clean all that blood to stop further infections.
*enters the barracks, limping and barely coping with agonizing pain* Morning, everyone. *wipes his face*
SLEEP, MOTHERFUCKERS - WHY WON'T YOU SLEEP?!
Anyone seen my halberd?
MY HALBERD!!
It should be right where you left it.
*nods and walks outside*
*grumbles to himself* Fooken' kommies not lettin' da Space Cop have a moment of well-deserved rest...
*goes on with grumbling* Well, ya know wha? Say GUDBYE to the good Space Cop then! Say HELLO to DA SPACE WITCHA!
Hmpf. How do I make a silver club..?
As you can see, there is no silver club option availiable. I'm pretty sure it's possible, though.
My guess is we need to research Smithing first, then set up a smithy with proper tools. Medieval forge doesn't have the option either.
Your space witcher career will have to wait, Kalin.
Later that morning.
*comes back to his senses* So tired. And my arm hurts like hell...
I know exactly how to relieve your pain, jejeje.
What do you think you're doing with that chisel..?
It's not a chisel, amigo. Drop your pants and bend over.
Meanwhile.
Someone's screaming in the barracks.
Routine medical procedures in KKK.
We need to make more space in the fridge, Kalin. Grimwulf wants you to start mining right away.
What else does he want me to do? Wash his pants? Water his flowers, maybe? Imma mutherfuggin' CITIZEN!
Everyone who's not under intensive treatment should get back to work - Kommissar's orders. Would you rather have another candle?
Fuck you both!
Meanwhile.
*screaming and crying*
Have some respect, Sasha! Lukas is trying to help you!
Your wounds are griveous, Senor Lizzurd! And I only have one last candle left...
NO MORE! Get off me, Luka-boy!!!
You can call him... father.
What, NO!!
Come on. Give me a hug, both of you - we are a family now!
Meanwhile.
Why isn't anyone working?
Hey, Grim.
Fucking Kalin, I swear... *opens the fridge door*
*turns around and throws his pickaxe at Grimwulf, hits dead goat instead*
Since that goat is just about as productive as you, I call that friendly fire.
*spits on his own foot by accident* Fuuuuuuuck! What a shitty morning!!
*grabs a bowl and enters the dining room*
Kommissario!
Luka-boy.
Y-you remember my name!
Yah. You managed to hold an overwhelming goat force with just a useless poking stick, giving enough time for me and Boot to shoot them all. That counts for something.
Team work! HIGH FIVE!
*eats the broth*
*hand still hanging*
Are you going to work or what?
*makes it look like he was stretching* Senor Kommissar, I think we should build another house.
No. Grimlin comes first.
Doesn't have to be huge. A small one. As a symbolic reward for a man most deserving.
Hrmpf...
I've been asking around - most of us agree this is a worthwhile project.
Yeah, fine. Whatever makes you fark off.
Want a hug?
No.
*pop-pop*
Back from hunting, my sweet veggie? But... where is the game..?
*waves her tentacle at fridge and gurgles about something in a complaining manner*
I don't understand...
*GURGLE*
Why don't you just... Oh, wait. The fridge is full.
*pop-pops and crawls to the barracks*
I just hope you didn't kill all the deers, leaving them to rot outside...
My bad.
Later that day.
Private house? What a waste of precious time and resources.
I'll finish it in no time, just you wait and s--
Fark's sake.
Who will be the unlucky owner?
Don't know, don't care. Let them decide by voting or sumth.
*pshhhhhhh* Oi, Grimwulf, you greedy bastard!
*pshhhhhhhh* What is it, Kalin?
Ah can hear bad juju sounds outside. Probubly one of dem goats ain't dead yet.
Then go check it out, you moron.
See, I'm under STRICT ORDERS to break my back diggin' granite. Can't really go anywhere while I'm at it.
I can't hear any bleating nearby. Are you sure it's not your SPESHUL MIND playing tricks on you?
Okay, so that MIGHT NOT SOUND AS BLEATING, but... Seriously. I don't like the sound.
Let's get this over with, Grimwulf. Lots of stuff to do today.
A bit later.
*approaching the back door*
Hooommmmmmmm... Maybe we should call for backup?
Shuddup, Greenballs, before I turn you into No-Balls! *opens the door, immidiately noticing motion in the dark tunnel*
What..?
Holy shit.
What IS it?!
Don't know, don't care. This is my motto for today. *starts shootin'*
GET REEEEEKT!
More are coming from the tunnel!
*keeps shooting*
I've killed a goat legion yesterday - YOU THINK YOU CAN FUCK WITH ME?! *doesn't stop shooting* THINK AGAIN!!
Watch out for the little ones!
I HAVE ENOUGH USELESS MAGGOTS IN MY KOLONY AS IT IS!!
Close that door, Grim!!
Fuck! *steps back into the room and closes the door* At least they won't get us inside.
HOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
You moaining AIN'T HELPING, Greenballs!
Kommissar Grim Wolf!!
WHAT?! I'm thinking.
We are naught INSIDE!
What are ya blabb-- Oh. Fuck...
KKK has some sort of DOOR CURSE on it, I swear! *runs to the workshop*
What's up with the shooting?
CHEETAH! No time to explain - make your sweet butt ready for WAR! *kicks the door and opens fire*
Grim, what the hell is going on?!
Wait, what's THAT?!
My. Gods.
*a HISSING that makes your ears bleed*
*pshhhhhhh* WE ARE UNDER ATTAAAACK! AGAIN!!
What?? We don't have anything to fight with! No ammo!
WHERE IS BLOBRA?!
I don't know!!
FUCK!!! *aims for the giant insect's head and shoots its brains out*
YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY KOLONY WITHOUT A FIGHT!!
That's it, Grim! Kill them! KILL THEM ALL!!!
I'VE SURVIVED SOVIET FACTORIES - YOU THINK I CAN'T SURVIVE BUGS?!
Kommissar, FALL BACK!
Fuck, FUCK! *falls back and closes the door*
This is a prank, rite? Tell me this is a prank.
We haven't even slept properly since our last battle!
Both of you, take the front door. I mean... front doorway.
Oh, you gotta be fuckin' me.
MOVE! NOW!!! *reloads his gun*
*spots a bug and gasps in terror*
*CLUBS the bug with DETERMINATION*
*shouts* KALIIIIIIIN! Watch yer balls - there is a FUCKTON of them outside!
*shouts back* Yeah, THEY AIN'T COMING HERE!
Then WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!
DESTROYING THE BUILDINGS!!
WHAT?!
*dog whining in the distance*
SENOR KALIN!! AEEEEEEEEEEEEE, I AM AFRAID OF BUGS! Gross! GROS!!!
You goddamn PUSSY! *BASHES and SMASHES whatever insect crawls inside*
*runs for his life, spilling blood all around*
HEY!!! NOBODY TAKES DOWN MY BUILDINGS, BUT ME!! *shoots and swears*
We could use more people right now!
WE HAVE NO MORE PEOPLE, CHEETAH!! Everyone's either wounded, or retarded!
Where is Bimbo??
*shooting the bugs* BLOBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUU?!
Meanwhile.
*guuuuuurgles and sloooowly aims*
*fires TEH LAZOR*
*satisfied, cheerful pop-pop*
Meanwhile.
Die, die, DIIIIIEEEEE!!!
This isn't working! RETREAT!
Grrrrrr, FUCK!!
*fires a flaming bolt, misses*
MORE ARE COMING! Everything is CRAWLING outside! OH, WOE!!
The situation is even worse than last night!
I KNOW, DAMN YOU!!
*wounded and limping, the dog STILL walks outside without even looking back*
Slaughter, STOP! *attempts to grab the dog's collar*
*holds Cheetah's hand* Don't.
Let go! *tries to break free*
Hey, HEY!! Calm the fuck down! We need EVERY KOLONIST out there fighting, YOUR DOG INCLUDED!
Then send Lizzurd, Krivol - ANYONE!
I said--
AAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE
Help the others hold the front door. GO!!!
*rushes towards the dining room*
*jumps on top of the giant monster-insect, attempting to bite and claw through its skull*
*OBLITERATES Cheetah's dog Slaughter with its MASSIVE claws*
*Slaughter's mutilated body falls down*
NOOOO! Boot, shoot the giant one with your flaming bolt, FASTER!!
I'm out of bolts, ma'am...
Isn't it just FUCKING FANTASTIC?! FUCK!!!
*crawls inside, towering over the kolonists*
*everyone takes a step back almost reflexively*
*menacing HISSING, saliva drippin from its jaw*
Bad juju...
*gulp*
*whispering* Easy now...
*drops down his hot branding iron* You asked for it. MARTIAL ARTS-- AAARGH
*jumps on Luka-boy so swiftly, nobody gets a chance to react - now the Megaspider is standing right on top of him, clawing Luka-boy again and again and again*
*paralyzed by the sight of Megaspider turning Luka-boy into minced meat*
*drowns in his own blood*
*opens the barracks door* CHEETAH!
*runs to the barracks*
Oh, FUCK NO!!! *runs to the workshop*
Kalin, what the fuck?! GET BACK THERE!
*locks the door* No! NO!! FUCK YOU!!! *spits*
We are TRAPPED!
*thinks*
*hides under the blanket, shaking*
*screaming and hissing can be heard on the other side of the door*
WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Damn it!
Lizzurd. Give me your grenade.
Wh--
Faster!
*puts the frag grenade down*
NOOOOO!!! LUKA-BOY IS OUT THERE FIGHTING!
He doesn't put up much of a fight. *looks at Cheetah* It's the only way, ma'am.
*barely takes a moment to think it over* Do it.
Hhhh... hhh... hell--
*throws the grenade at Megaspider and Luka-boy*
HNG?! Nnnooooooooooooooo
*a hissing full of desperation and RAGE*
*both fall down from the explosion wave*
AAAAAAAAAAAGH! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! *realizes he just lost another toe*
It isn't over yet. Lizzurd, your knife!
*hands the knife to Boot, too afraid to ask questions*
*goes away to finish the job*
My Kolony is ON FIRE!!!
*crawls outside, burning and hissing in agony*
HESUS SPACE KRIZTO!!!
*walks out of the guest room, barely standing on his feet* I heard gunshots and expl-- *notices the fire* Fucking hell...
*pshhhhh* I WANT EVERYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE BEATING OUT THAT FIRE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
SLAUGHTER!!! *pshhhh* Grim, I can't reach my dog from here!
I got NO TIME FOR THIS SHIT, Cheetah!!
Hnnngg... It's okay. I got this.
*the dog is clearly experiencing extreme pain - tears dropping down from his eyes, remaining paws are twitching, the whining is unbearable*
It's okay, boy. *lifts the dog with a huge effort* It's gonna be okay.
Wait, where is another labrador? KALIN, go find her!
Someone must destroy the hives.
What hives?
Long story, ma'am. Just trust me. I'll be back soon.
Boot, take car--
Mm?
Take care of those hives. Make sure you destroy them all.
Yes, ma'am.
*handles the hives like a professional*
*choking* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Shut up and help me beat it out!
The vomiting dog will probubly die, Grimbo.
NO DOG WILL DIE ON MY WATCH!
*coughs* If they won't die from bloodloss, they will CHOKE TO DEATH! DO SOMETHING about that fire, damn you!!
Ch-Cheetah?
*angry* What?!
You're bleeding...
It's nothing.
Your hand...
SHUT UP! Focus on the fire!
Oh, God... Luka-boy... *struggles not to vomit, looking at Luka-boy's corpse*
*GURGLES in shock*
Oh, so NOW you show up?!
*pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop*
*whines*
Shhh. It's all over now.
*also whines*
What a nasty cut...
*waves her tentacles in panic*
You killed him, Cheetah...
Shut it.
You and Boot killed Luka-boy in cold blood... I can't believe it!
I said SHUT UP!! Luka-boy was dead already!
Murderer. Traitor!
Did what I could for the doge.
What do you want, a MEDAL?! GIVE ME A HAND HERE, YOU BASTARD!
In hindsight, both battles could go better. Should have transformed Reinhardt during the Night of Goats. Shouldn't have thrown that grenade during the Day of Bugs. It was a panic decision, I guess - dogs were dying, many kolonists bleeding out, Blobra too far away, and Grimwulf being the only one with ranged weapon. No chance to beat that thing in melee. I guess we had a chance to make it without casualties, but it was a fat chance.
Just noticed that it was Cheetah who proposed marriage, not Grimwulf. Oh, well. Call it MY INTERPRETATION of things.
If anyone wonders why is Luka-boy lying naked or why did Grimwulf move that brazier - I had a problem with beating fire out. It just refused to be extinguished. Tried many things, only then noticed there was a pile of fuel on the floor.
And that's it, men. Will pop one last update tomorrow, so stay tuned.
