Andyman Messiah
Mr. Ed-ucated
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDGY!
DRAGON AGE 2: LEGACY aka AKA SHIT 2: SHIT
Let's see how much stupid, wrong and just plain annoying I found in the newest DLC for BioWare's most critically acclaimed game ever. Let's do it in numbers style, fuck yeah ladyboy! Also there's going to be a spoilers. If you don't want spoilers and want to play Legacy and marvel at the most epic story-driven adventure of the century, you probably don't want to read this. Let's begin.
1. THE PRICE! aka FUCK ME THIS IS SOME HORRIBLY OVERPRICED PIECE OF SHIT!
Legacy costs 10 America Dollars. It seems to be the standard price tag for DLC, but considering you only get three hours worth of linear point and click adventure hack n' slash I would say that 10 dollars is too much. Especially considering that the newest New Vegas DLC, Old World Blues, give about 7-8 hours of content for the same price. Legacy is a ripoff. Fuck you, BioWare and EA.
2. THE SETUP! aka THE LACK OF A PROPER SETUP!
What setup? You begin playing Legacy by clicking on a gold griffon statue that appears somewhere in your house. Do you want to play Legacy? Yes/No. Then you're immediately teleported to a desert where your party members do their best to explain why we're here. There's no seamless integration with the vanilla Dragon Age 2 game like the other DLC did. Fuck you, BioWare.
3. THE SETUP! II aka WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE!
So turns out the reason why we're out in the wild chasing shit is because Hawke has been attacked by the carta (aka the retarded dwarf mafia) and now Hawke has had enough and decided to put an end to their shit. Now, people that have played Dragon Age 2 know that you get attacked ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Day and night you're constantly bumping into gangs that attack you on sight. Now, question. What makes Hawke chase after the Legacy gang? They can't be any more special than the other gangs. What makes them so special that Hawke decides to leave Kirkwall and go to the middle of "nowhere" and "fuck you I'm lost"? That's some devotion to keeping the streets safe, let me tell you. Either way it's retarded. Fuck you, BioWare.
4. DUNGEON CRAWLING! aka DUNG CRAWLING!
Legacy is a dungeon crawl. You kill shit and you pick up loot. There is a lot of goddamn loot. Useless loot especially, so fuck you, BioWare. There's also a lot of puzzles. Shit puzzles. Remember how Dragon Age 2 didn't have any puzzles? That was actually a good innovation. But Legacy brings puzzles back, so fuck you, BioWare.
edit: I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THIS. THE PUZZLES NEED A REALLY GOOD TOP-DOWN CAMERA. BUT BECAUSE OF DA2'S SHITTY CAMERA THAT CAN ONLY ZOOM OUT SLIGHTLY BEHIND YOUR CHARACTER, PUZZLES ARE FUCKING TEDIOUS!!!!!!! I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH IF YOU SAY SHIT TO ME ABOUT OBSIDIAN. THEIR CAMERAS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO LEGACY'S PUZZLE BULLSHIT CAMERA.
(ALSO I WRITE IN CAPSLOCK BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SOUND ANGRY WHEN YOU READ THIS. INNER MONOLOGUE AND STUFF. AWESOME SHIT. SO ANGRY!)
5. KILLING SHIT! aka KILLING IS SHIT!
Enemies still spawn. The difference is BioWare covers it up by having them come out of small siderooms (that have no other exits or door textures painted on the walls, mind you). There are a lot of obvious ambushes. If you go through a room into another room to loot shit don't act surprised if the other room is crawling with enemies. Tedious shit.
6. THREE THINGS! aka STUFF NOBODY BUT ME GIVE A FUCK ABOUT, PROBABLY.
* Continuity is inconsistent. Over the course of Legacy you will be treated to various banter between the various party members and Hawke. For example, Anders tells Hawke he should write to Carver (and Carver is standing right next to him) before their mother dies (and their mother has already died). No big deal? Maybe not, but all these things are actually acknowledged at other parts in the DLC. Actually, depending on whether Hawke's mom is alive or not has a subtle change to the ending, which I actually liked. Yeah, figures that the thing I like about Legacy is when I get to stop playing it, eh? Meh.
* In the same playthrough I ran through the dungeon with Carver and Anders (and Varric), at one time Carver decides to explain the horrible mindrape Anders is experiencing ever since we entered the temple of evil. The helpful Carver explains: "It's Corypheus. He can hear Corypheus." NO SHIT, YOU LITTLE CUNT. Now, yes, Justice (or Vengeance), the spirit living in Anders' head, do come into play in the story (one time only, shortly after Carver's line) but there's no mistaking that it's the ANCIENT ALL-POWERFUL JEAN GREY PHOENIX DARKSPAWN THAT CAN TELEPATHICALLY COMMAND THE TAINTED EVEN WHEN HE'S ASLEEP. Besides, it's just such a goofy goddamn comment. It's Corypheus. He can hear Corypheus. THANKS FOR THE INPUT YOU FUCK. I NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED.
* Various potions are now actual bottles you find standing on tables. You have to click them individually to pick them up. What was wrong with having three potions in a box? It was fast. Now I have to click all three bottles. What is that about, BioWare? Was this on the list of things to fix? Talk about useless bullshit. Fuck you.
7. SHADES OF GREY! aka THERE'S GOOD AND EVIL!
The only choice you get to make in Legacy is one of black and white. You have a choice between an old Grey Warden that want to stop the ancient evil, and a group of Grey Wardens, led by a character that is so obviously evil and moahaha that she doesn't even need to wear a t-shirt that says "hey, I'm the evil choice!" You get that anyway. Not that it matters anyway.
8. CORYPHEUS! aka HOW THE FUCK IS IT SPELLED? ALSO SHIT!
I seriously don't know. I also seriously don't care. Seriously. The big bad boss only shows up in the last ten minutes of the DLC and during the extremely brief time we can chat with him, he has absolutely nothing of importance to talk about. I can't say I was disappointed but I'm sure there are some who expected to get SOMETHING substantial out of him. Instead it's just more rumor talk. I can't even compare it to Mass Effect 1's "your feeble minds...".
9. BOSS FIGHT! aka LET'S SOLO THIS BOSS!
Corypheus is actually a sort of entertaining boss fight, so good one, BioWare. Parts of it are tedious but they do a pretty good job making it fun. Just be prepared to do it all without party members because it's a fucking lost cause to try and keep those assholes alive with all the area affecting spells and shit this guy throws at you. Of course it doesn't help that your party is stupid as shit as well and need to be micro-managed at all times. So just let them get killed. The weapon you get is overpowered enough to deal with everything this DLC throws at you.
10. LEGACY! aka WHAT LEGACY?
The only connection to Hawke is that it was dad Malcolm that imprisoned the ancient evil Corypheus on orders from the good warden (that utilized the good old "by any means" type of incentive) and all he leaves behind to his kid is a few audio clips and an extremely overpowered weapon. That's the only legacy in Legacy that I've found. Corypheus doesn't mention Malcolm. He doesn't mention his imprisonment at all. He pays no attention to Hawke whatsoever. So where do the legacy part come in? Oh, the two audio clips, the overpowered weapon and the exclusive right to free and attempt to kill an ancient evil darkspawn is all we're gonna get? Fine then. Fuck you, BioWare. And fuck you too, Malcolm. Fucking in the middle bullshit.
11. CHOICES AND NO CONSEQUENCES! aka WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER FINISHING THIS?
If you side with the good Warden, you fight the evil Warden and... release the ancient evil so you can kill him. If you side with the evil Warden, you fight the good Warden and... release the ancient evil so you can kill him. And either way at the end, you get the most obvious piece of shit foreshadowing. Basically, the warden you sided with thanks you for his/her release. If the piece of shit had winked at the camera, like breaking the fourth wall, it would've been comical and therefore slightly more okay. Now it's just sad. Because Hawke totally eats that shit up. It's so obvious that the ancient evil jumped into the warden! Fuck you, Hawke, you stupid protagonist. Commander Shepard wouldn't have fallen for that. Just saying. Seriously, FUCK YOU.
12. LASTING WORDS! aka WORDING LASTS!
Legacy feels just as rushed as Dragon Age 2. This is a problem.
Fuck this game.
DRAGON AGE 2: LEGACY aka AKA SHIT 2: SHIT
Let's see how much stupid, wrong and just plain annoying I found in the newest DLC for BioWare's most critically acclaimed game ever. Let's do it in numbers style, fuck yeah ladyboy! Also there's going to be a spoilers. If you don't want spoilers and want to play Legacy and marvel at the most epic story-driven adventure of the century, you probably don't want to read this. Let's begin.
1. THE PRICE! aka FUCK ME THIS IS SOME HORRIBLY OVERPRICED PIECE OF SHIT!
Legacy costs 10 America Dollars. It seems to be the standard price tag for DLC, but considering you only get three hours worth of linear point and click adventure hack n' slash I would say that 10 dollars is too much. Especially considering that the newest New Vegas DLC, Old World Blues, give about 7-8 hours of content for the same price. Legacy is a ripoff. Fuck you, BioWare and EA.
2. THE SETUP! aka THE LACK OF A PROPER SETUP!
What setup? You begin playing Legacy by clicking on a gold griffon statue that appears somewhere in your house. Do you want to play Legacy? Yes/No. Then you're immediately teleported to a desert where your party members do their best to explain why we're here. There's no seamless integration with the vanilla Dragon Age 2 game like the other DLC did. Fuck you, BioWare.
3. THE SETUP! II aka WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE!
So turns out the reason why we're out in the wild chasing shit is because Hawke has been attacked by the carta (aka the retarded dwarf mafia) and now Hawke has had enough and decided to put an end to their shit. Now, people that have played Dragon Age 2 know that you get attacked ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Day and night you're constantly bumping into gangs that attack you on sight. Now, question. What makes Hawke chase after the Legacy gang? They can't be any more special than the other gangs. What makes them so special that Hawke decides to leave Kirkwall and go to the middle of "nowhere" and "fuck you I'm lost"? That's some devotion to keeping the streets safe, let me tell you. Either way it's retarded. Fuck you, BioWare.
4. DUNGEON CRAWLING! aka DUNG CRAWLING!
Legacy is a dungeon crawl. You kill shit and you pick up loot. There is a lot of goddamn loot. Useless loot especially, so fuck you, BioWare. There's also a lot of puzzles. Shit puzzles. Remember how Dragon Age 2 didn't have any puzzles? That was actually a good innovation. But Legacy brings puzzles back, so fuck you, BioWare.
edit: I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THIS. THE PUZZLES NEED A REALLY GOOD TOP-DOWN CAMERA. BUT BECAUSE OF DA2'S SHITTY CAMERA THAT CAN ONLY ZOOM OUT SLIGHTLY BEHIND YOUR CHARACTER, PUZZLES ARE FUCKING TEDIOUS!!!!!!! I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH IF YOU SAY SHIT TO ME ABOUT OBSIDIAN. THEIR CAMERAS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO LEGACY'S PUZZLE BULLSHIT CAMERA.
(ALSO I WRITE IN CAPSLOCK BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SOUND ANGRY WHEN YOU READ THIS. INNER MONOLOGUE AND STUFF. AWESOME SHIT. SO ANGRY!)
5. KILLING SHIT! aka KILLING IS SHIT!
Enemies still spawn. The difference is BioWare covers it up by having them come out of small siderooms (that have no other exits or door textures painted on the walls, mind you). There are a lot of obvious ambushes. If you go through a room into another room to loot shit don't act surprised if the other room is crawling with enemies. Tedious shit.
6. THREE THINGS! aka STUFF NOBODY BUT ME GIVE A FUCK ABOUT, PROBABLY.
* Continuity is inconsistent. Over the course of Legacy you will be treated to various banter between the various party members and Hawke. For example, Anders tells Hawke he should write to Carver (and Carver is standing right next to him) before their mother dies (and their mother has already died). No big deal? Maybe not, but all these things are actually acknowledged at other parts in the DLC. Actually, depending on whether Hawke's mom is alive or not has a subtle change to the ending, which I actually liked. Yeah, figures that the thing I like about Legacy is when I get to stop playing it, eh? Meh.
* In the same playthrough I ran through the dungeon with Carver and Anders (and Varric), at one time Carver decides to explain the horrible mindrape Anders is experiencing ever since we entered the temple of evil. The helpful Carver explains: "It's Corypheus. He can hear Corypheus." NO SHIT, YOU LITTLE CUNT. Now, yes, Justice (or Vengeance), the spirit living in Anders' head, do come into play in the story (one time only, shortly after Carver's line) but there's no mistaking that it's the ANCIENT ALL-POWERFUL JEAN GREY PHOENIX DARKSPAWN THAT CAN TELEPATHICALLY COMMAND THE TAINTED EVEN WHEN HE'S ASLEEP. Besides, it's just such a goofy goddamn comment. It's Corypheus. He can hear Corypheus. THANKS FOR THE INPUT YOU FUCK. I NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED.
* Various potions are now actual bottles you find standing on tables. You have to click them individually to pick them up. What was wrong with having three potions in a box? It was fast. Now I have to click all three bottles. What is that about, BioWare? Was this on the list of things to fix? Talk about useless bullshit. Fuck you.
7. SHADES OF GREY! aka THERE'S GOOD AND EVIL!
The only choice you get to make in Legacy is one of black and white. You have a choice between an old Grey Warden that want to stop the ancient evil, and a group of Grey Wardens, led by a character that is so obviously evil and moahaha that she doesn't even need to wear a t-shirt that says "hey, I'm the evil choice!" You get that anyway. Not that it matters anyway.
8. CORYPHEUS! aka HOW THE FUCK IS IT SPELLED? ALSO SHIT!
I seriously don't know. I also seriously don't care. Seriously. The big bad boss only shows up in the last ten minutes of the DLC and during the extremely brief time we can chat with him, he has absolutely nothing of importance to talk about. I can't say I was disappointed but I'm sure there are some who expected to get SOMETHING substantial out of him. Instead it's just more rumor talk. I can't even compare it to Mass Effect 1's "your feeble minds...".
9. BOSS FIGHT! aka LET'S SOLO THIS BOSS!
Corypheus is actually a sort of entertaining boss fight, so good one, BioWare. Parts of it are tedious but they do a pretty good job making it fun. Just be prepared to do it all without party members because it's a fucking lost cause to try and keep those assholes alive with all the area affecting spells and shit this guy throws at you. Of course it doesn't help that your party is stupid as shit as well and need to be micro-managed at all times. So just let them get killed. The weapon you get is overpowered enough to deal with everything this DLC throws at you.
10. LEGACY! aka WHAT LEGACY?
The only connection to Hawke is that it was dad Malcolm that imprisoned the ancient evil Corypheus on orders from the good warden (that utilized the good old "by any means" type of incentive) and all he leaves behind to his kid is a few audio clips and an extremely overpowered weapon. That's the only legacy in Legacy that I've found. Corypheus doesn't mention Malcolm. He doesn't mention his imprisonment at all. He pays no attention to Hawke whatsoever. So where do the legacy part come in? Oh, the two audio clips, the overpowered weapon and the exclusive right to free and attempt to kill an ancient evil darkspawn is all we're gonna get? Fine then. Fuck you, BioWare. And fuck you too, Malcolm. Fucking in the middle bullshit.
11. CHOICES AND NO CONSEQUENCES! aka WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER FINISHING THIS?
If you side with the good Warden, you fight the evil Warden and... release the ancient evil so you can kill him. If you side with the evil Warden, you fight the good Warden and... release the ancient evil so you can kill him. And either way at the end, you get the most obvious piece of shit foreshadowing. Basically, the warden you sided with thanks you for his/her release. If the piece of shit had winked at the camera, like breaking the fourth wall, it would've been comical and therefore slightly more okay. Now it's just sad. Because Hawke totally eats that shit up. It's so obvious that the ancient evil jumped into the warden! Fuck you, Hawke, you stupid protagonist. Commander Shepard wouldn't have fallen for that. Just saying. Seriously, FUCK YOU.
12. LASTING WORDS! aka WORDING LASTS!
Legacy feels just as rushed as Dragon Age 2. This is a problem.
Fuck this game.
...do... do you visit a warehouse?
