Part 5:
Everybody loves Baron Raymondo
Before embarking for the south and Baron Raymondo, whom we will do a halfhearted attempt at getting,we upgrade the revenge with triple hammocks.
Good news crew! Now more of you will be able to pass wind on the mate below you.
Pretty good eh, Cleve?
No doubt a milestone in the history of sapiens ingenuity. Now, let's see if you can master the mystery
of the untied shoelace.
All friendly banter aside...
Friendly?
I need some advice. Do you know anything about women?
Do *I* know anything about women? You are looking at a succesfully married neandertal with two superhuman, titaniumboned children.
You are married? With kids? Where the hell are they?
Holed up somewhere safe, where no raving post-apocalyptic gangs can get to them.
Oh, i see. Well about women, there's this governors daughter... and no, its not the one with the glass eye...it's the
dutch godess of Curacao, shes really hot.
Yes Captain, she's a pretty girl. Id like to stick my... what exactly do you do with women?
Well, manboon i might be able to help you. It so happens i'm an expert at handling and understanding the feeble minds of women.
Great! Lay your mighty wisdom on me, good sir Cleve.
This was way back in my youth. I was operating a fried chickenbrian stand in Barcelona together with this girl.
She was quite pretty but obviously beneath me in mental capabilities, as she was a vapid sort who liked to gossip about the courts and whatnot.
Then one fine day, Roy Scheider of the spanish court, comes in and orders a fried turkeybeak with a twist of lemon, and says to me:
"You know kid, you are not half bad looking. Lots of people in the royal spanish court are not as handsome as you. Why dont you get in touch with my agent."
Now, i never really wanted to get in with the whole king business. I mean, a king of sapiens is just a king of a few bawling apes fighting
over a broken twig. But that girl noticed it and she started flirting with yours truly.
As i was young and hadn't fully realized the grandiosity of my being, i was still susceptible to the pathetic mating rituals of the mongoloids.
So, i was somewhat flattered by this, and she ended up seducing me with her vile charms.
Afterwards she just simply ignored me. I must admit i felt a bit used and suspicious of her motives, and i had everything confirmed
when one of her girlfriends told me that she had made a bet, whether or not she could "hitch a ride on the titanium bone".
That's when i started to feel dirty and for some reason my body started to shut down.
First my jaws locked up, then my arms and finally my whole magnificent body entered a catatonic state, and i just lay there in a panic stricken,
catatonic hibernation.
The end.
The end??? What the fuck was that? How is this pathetic story gonna help me ram my oar up the flying dutchman?
Women are cruel.
That's it?
Yes, women are cruel. Dont waste your time or your seed on them.
In fact, it would be better for all of us if you didn't pollute this globe with any of your seed.
Thanks Cleve, you've been most helpful. Now excuse me while i go share your story with the rest of the crew.
The plan is to go south, back to the south american coast, to visit the Curacau (and that piece of dutch tail), invade some spanish cities and
dig up L'ollonais treasure. Oh, and to chase down that Raymondo guy if he gets in the way.
Long ways to go though, so the crew plays some "poke the fundamentalist" on their way there, much to Andhaira and Liberals muffled cries.
After snagging some spaniards and their hard earned cash, we find ourselves in the middle of the ocean.
I made Polyvectored Tacos. Come get him.
We snag another few vessels and end up in a fight with a captain:
Aaargh! What the hell did you do to me! Look at my leeeeegs!!!
Finally we enter the coastline, and battle som fierce winds which slows our eastbound journey.
Captain! Ship ahoy!
Another spanish merchantman? I don't know, i feel kind of pirated out for the momement. Let them...
It's that fella Raymondo! You know the guy who that guy said he knew knew something!
What? Oh yeah...right. We'll i guess its showtime then. Lets show this guy how...
I dont know, sir. Hes got a pretty big ship, lots of crew and cannons.
Hah! Captain Neckbeard is afraid of no man. I have not lost a battle yet, and i am not about to chicken out now!
Actually you did loose to that captain of the guard in Nassau.
Okay that one time, but this is completely different!
We also almost got blown to bits by that spanish treasure galleon back in chapter 1.
Completely different scenario. Dont take things out of context.
Actually this is exactly the same situa...
TO BATTLE MEN! FIRE THE CANNONS!
And so, with steely determination and knowledge of his own superiority, Neckbeard and the Revenge descends into battle with
the vile Baron Raymondo.
The old lookout was not wrong when he said the had lots of cannons.
That bronze thing Cleve installed has made the ship much more maneauverable, and the revenge is able to dodge most of the devestating
cannon fire. It is a cat and mouse game, with the intent of getting up close and personal.
Finally Neckbeard is face to face with raymondo:
So, dude, you seen my sister?
Just who the hell are you, and why exactly are you shooting at my boat and gutting my crewmen?
Im the mighty pirate Captain Neckbeard. Deliver my sister or die!
Hmmm, you do kind of look like someone i know. Does your sister have an inward going nipple?
Yeah, but... how did you know?
Well, lets just say that me and your sister have been pretty close. Actually your sister "know" a lot of my crew.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Your cheap tricks wont work on me!
You kinda look a lot like your sister. It almost feels as if i have done you.
Ok, thats fucking gross man! Stop messing with me!
Hey captain, why does that ugly pirate look so familiar?
Oh, hey Bob, that's felching friedas brother.
Dude, helluva sister you got, i tell ya! A champ at poppin me mole, har har har!
*Slice*
Noone talks about felching f.. i mean my sister that way!
Bob!!! Talk to me Bob!!!
You slack jawed fluffer, you didnt have to do that to Bob. He was only two days away from retirement!
Now you are in a world of hurt.
Bring da pain, knuckles!
Neckbeard engages in some sharp negotiation.
Look, i might help with finding Fisting Frieda, if you let me go.
I already told you: dont talk about my sister that way!
Okay you sister, who-is-not-at-all-obsessed-with-her-own-poop-chute-and-doesn't-like-to-be-nasally-penetrated, is stashed
away somewhere. I dont really know where, all i got is this part of map.
Why the hell do you only have part of a map?
The rest was in an old jacket that got sold at a fleamarket.
Oh man, i've been there! I once lost my carkeys that way.
Anyway, i guess ill take that map. Its better than nothing i suppose.
Now, im gonna let you go, but you have to promise to never come back to the carribean again. Agree?
Yes, good sir. I promise on my mothers grave. Thank you noble sir.
And off he goes, one of gods own true originals. Thats the last of him we will see in this LP.
Meanwhile we snag all of his goodies.
Right after our succesful plunder the revenge enters a tiny settlement, to sell of our ships.
In the local wateringhole we encounter another old codger who has information about someone who might have information on our long lost sisterslut:
That sumabitch! I'm gonna kill him and stuff Liberal down his wiggling corpse!
Neckbeards rages a while, but then spots some black booty.
So baby, you black on da inside too?
Sorry, i already have a boyfriend.
You might have a BOYfriend, but you need a MANfriend, baby!
My boyfriend is pretty big, just so you know.
Speaking of big things, wanna see my powerdrill?
Yo cracker! Whadda hell you talkin' to ma honey for?
Whoa, you really are a big fella aren't you? Well, you know what they say, the larger they are, the smaller the penis.
What do you say there biggie smalls? Am i right or am i right?
And here we will leave Neckbeard for this time. Don't worry, i'm sure he'll be fine.
Neckbeard will be back in "Deckswabs only suck thrice" next week!