In Progress Incline to the Dark Ages: Let's Play Crusader Kings 2: The Old Gods

[Tigranes]

Let's make this short and sweet.

The Year is 867. Europe suffers from the Great Decline; not a single living soul now remembers Pax Romana. The sons of Charlemagne are embroiled in petty infighting.

But these Dark Ages are soon to be over. For deep in the frozen wastes of Australia Norway, in the forgotten county of Telemark, lies a hero. A true monocled hero, from whom incline shall wash over all of Europe...

The narrow-eyed, ginger-haired, double-jawed ironyuri, whose emblem is a firey torch of conquest.






1. The Incompetence of Ironyuri, 867-875
2. The Jowls of Jaesun: Part A, 875-900
3. The Jowls of Jaesun: Part B, 900-916
4. The Jowls of Jaesun: Finale, 916-923

Intermission. The World, 923 A.D.

5. The Jarldom of JarlFrank: 923-943
6. The Humps of Hiver: Part A, 943-962
7. The Humps of Hiver: Part B, 962-980
8. The Humps of Hiver: Finale, 980-982
9. The Crusade of Cleve: Part A, 982-1010

Intermission. The World, 1010 A.D.

10. The Crusade of Cleve: Part B, 1010-1026
11. The Crusade of Cleve: Finale, 1026-1050
12. Goodbyeeeee

 

[Tigranes]

1. The Incompetence of Ironyuri, 867-875

Ironyuri reigns over Telemark. He was born rather bright, and has cultivated a scholarly streak; he is widely celebrated as the only man in Telemark that can read, and his tales of Kleinman the Inept is the most popular book in the land, since nobody else in the land can read. Ironyuri's only flaw is his legendary slothfulness; his book is stuck after just seventeen pages, with little prospect of an update.

Spoiler

Ironyuri longs to be the King of Norway, and tells everyone how much he wants to be King. This makes it much more agreeable when he invades them.

He's got a long way to go.

The first order of business, however, is to find a permanent wench. Ironyuri selects a lustful jailbait, which makes the bedroom cosplay a bit easier.

We assess our neighbours' strength by consulting the Annual Report of European Army Sizes, historically available to all European nations since 867 AD. Telemark lags marginally behind its neighbours, Agder and Rogaland, but nothing that couldn't be overcome by some clever tactics.

Agder, you're up.

Wait, that's a bit more than the Report said. Can Ironyuri overcome a numerical disadvantage of 47 Norsemen?

Ironyuri's first War and he's already taking it up the arse. I guess he had the Subjugation ambition too.

Ironyuri bravely leads his men into battle, gets every single one of them killed.

Ironyuri has been Subjugated.

The good news is that he is permitted to continue as the Chief of Telemark, and to wage wars of conquest, given the low crown authority. The bad news is that his 'invasion' of Agder technically hasn't ended.

Ironyuri has no army, no lands, and no money to hire mercenaries. Interestingly, it seems Mayor Bertil of Skien, the only town in Telemark, has been saving. If we imprison and confiscate his assets, it should be enough to raise a thousand mercenaries and turn this war around.

Wait, are you saying I can't throw a man in prison because I'm not pious enough?

We are made Chancellor of the realm, but apparently, we don't get a salary.

Mayor Bertil, I'm going to get a fucking Ph.D in theology, and then I'm going to imprison you in seven different prisons. At the same time. Each limb in a different cell.

At least Ironyuri has succeeded in the bedroom to compensate for his failures in every other aspect of life. Jaesun Ironyurisson will inherit all that he has lost.

But that gives me an idea. If we divorce her for every other jailbait in the land, surely the Royal Dues will be enough for us to afford the mercenaries!

Or, you know, our realm is so tiny that we actually made a loss on our divorce.

So we just paid to replace a hot lustful wench for a hedonist that has no right to hedonise anything.

You're asking that now?

Very funny, God.

After two years, we lose the invasion of Agder by default, losing a good deal of prestige and losing even more of our gold in reparations. Ironyuri's humiliation is complete.

The fat bitch hands us an unwanted spawn, thankfully not deformed from birth. Infinitron Ironyurisson will never be loved as much as Jaesun, and will likely develop a needy personality as a result, constantly seeking approval from those around him by moonlighting as a town crier.

No income, more children. Ironyuri is truly living the peasant life.

His liege decides to rub it in by holding a big feast.

At least there's a nice show.

Finally, after years of frugal savings and tearing coupons off newspapers, ironyuri is able to afford The Lappish Band: Show Us Any Mercs Cheaper Than Us And We'll Beat Them By 10 Per Cent.

We're back, Agder.

Ironyuri takes a giant first step towards the Kingdom of Norway. The equally poor, illiterate and useless county of Agder is now ours.

But it's such a waste of the surviving mercenaries to stop now. The other neighbouring Norwegian lands are subject to attacks by our liege, but here's a nice island ruled by a three year old, just off the coast of supple, raid-able Scots. Ironyuri immediately declares war, and ships the mercenaries thataway.

To celebrate, he decides to have a nice meal out.

Autopsies were inconclusive as to whether the explosion was accidental or devilishly methodical.

And so ends the reign of Ironyuri the Manure-Embalmed, 867-875 A.D. In eight years he was subjugated, and subjugated. The elder Jaesun Ironyurisson now takes over as a minor, handing the recently conquered Agder away to Infinitron under Gavelkind succession...

 

[ironyuri]

I never asked for this.

 

[RedScum]

A battle between brothers

 

[Storyfag]

Moar

 

[Tigranes]

2. The Jowls of Jaesun: Part A, 875-900

Jaesun Ironyurisson Codexia of Telemark is just five years old when his incompetent father blows himself off the face of the earth. The great dream of the Kingship of Norway now falls to him, and his Regent, curiously enough, is his biological father, the discarded first wife of Ironyuri.

Spoiler

His half-brother Infinitron, even younger than him, splits away as the Count of Barely Conquered Agder. There's not much to be done about him at the moment; we will see how he fares on the very tip of the Norwegian protrusion.

Not even death can stop Ironyuri's money, and the mercenaries continue the siege of Orkney. The five-year-old burns down a town and imprisons a four-year old girl, and the Freudian nature of Dark Age statecraft is complete.

Little Jaesun has his first toy, an island shaped like a ... I'm sure he'll be docking his longboat there pretty often.

Time passes, and Jaesun is to be educated. He decides that surely the best role model for a life of war and conquest is the very man who conquered Ironyuri: Haraldr, the PEtty King of Ostlander.

It pays off pretty much instantly.

Jaesun becomes convinced that it's pretty pointless to say 'in my opinion' all the time, because technically everything is 'my opinion', and besides, everything he says is true and everything you say is wrong, anyway.

Wait, what treachery is this?

Not bad, guy.

Who is this punk that dares put Little Jaesun in trouble?

Half-dan, the Yngling heir. We shall meet again, and Jaesun will put you back in your place. Just you wait.

Well, okay, also gonna punch you in the face right now, but still, just you wait.

Jaesun decides that an exclusive diet of alcohol and meat is probably the reason the standard Viking size is XXL.

Jaesun confesses his secret fear of a monster under his bed. Apparently, it keeps speaking to him at night, whispering heretical theories of the world, and whispering in his ear a wicked cackle, "roofles"...

Uncle Haraldr assures him that if you are afraid of something, you can poke an axe at it until it goes away.

Meanwhile, Scandinavia has not changed overmuch. The Swedish side is still broken up into various sides, while Haraldr's Ostlandet is expanding, currently crushing a couple of rebel states.

The final event in Little Jaesun's childhood is none other than the apparently natural death of his mother and regent. Jaesun is relieved that he no longer has to try to remember two mother's birthdays, because he kept mixing them up.

And so ends the youth of Jaesun, and a quiet eleven years on the chiefdom of Telemark. He has grown into an Amaeurish Plotter, a rather disappointing turn of events given his excellent upbringing. Inheriting Ironyuri's prodigious chin, he has opted for a sprawling beard to compensate.

Spoiler

Well, you can always take remedial classes. Remember, learning is a life-long passion!

Jaesun returns as an adult to his uncle Haraldr for the hand of his daughter, Rikissa. We learned together, we shared a desk, we lent each other pencils with little erasers on the tip. Oh, Rikissa, we shall be together again soon enough.

But the adult Jaesun can finally return to the business of statecraft. Since most nearby options for conquest are unavailable, Jaesun decides to summon the collected levies of Telemark and Orkney for a round of raiding. Nearly seven hundred men shall follow the sixteen-year old in loot and pillaging, and the Norse shall see the mettle of the son of Ironyuri.

We land in Brussells, currently owned by the Karling state of West Francia. They are locked in a land dispute against Lotharingia (I think), and should trouble us little.

Emboldened, Jaesun guides the fleet down the Seine and pillages the farms and settlements around Paris itself. The audacity of the young Jaesun bodes well for times to come, the Norsemen would say to each other, with a Gaullish wench each wrapped around their waists.

Jaesun makes a quick leisure stop in the one-province state of Cornwall...

...and briefly besieges the Saxon King of Wessex in his castle, before returning home.

The Longboats of Codexia were overflowing with gold, and it was said that Jaesun henceforth would sleep on a bed of it.

The capital fort of Fredriksten is upgraded with the spoils, an investment for the future.

Meanwhile, our dear half-brother, Infinitron, is also of age. He would spend the next ten years or so leading every single battle for the Kingdom of Ostlandet. Jaesun is not quite sure why he would willingly serve as lapdog for their oppressors, but so be it. Some will curry favour with others, he will command fear from them.

The general state of Europe, circa 890 A.D. Western Europe remains Karling for the most part, the Danish are infiltrating the centre of England, and Hungary has settled down with King Arpad at the helm.

Another longboatfull of gold arrives in Norway. The raiders have now taken to honouring their commander by calling themselves the Jowls of Jaesun. He is not entirely pleased.

History will have only one sentence for Thora, the sister of Jaesun: she was fucking ugly.

Meanwhile, Rikissa comes of age, and Jaesun is duly married. He is a little surprised that the charming young girl has turned out to prefer The Witch hairstyle, but she will do as permanent wench for strategic reasons.

The news reaches us, via Infinitron, that the Tengri have reformed.

Chief Blush and High Priest Buzer now look to systemise the Tengri faith.

Jaesun's perfectly happy with collecting the bi-annual Rape Tax from Cornwall. This time he decides to sack the entire city and take every penny. The ease of the affair makes him wonder: could he not simply conquer these places, too? Are the heartlands of the Saxons and Gauls really beyond his reach?

But he is called back from these musings by excellent news; finally, an opportunity opens up for real conquest.

The first war of conquest shall be preceded by a good old Blot.

Wait, we had a prisoner? Since when?

Oh, right. Girl spent fifteen years of a nineteen-year life in prison, is now sacrificed. Jaesun, you bad boy.

It seems opportune that of all days, this is when Jaesun's son is born. He shall be christened, in view of upcoming wars, JarlFrank Jaesunsson.

Spoiler

For Rogaland, my Jarls!

The Rogalanders are outnumbered, and our extensive experience in rape and pillage has given us an edge.

Jaesun proves merciless to his enemies. At least this way you won't spend 15 years in the prison until the next Blot, Snorri.

The distant Trondelagians join the war effort, but it is not enough to stop Jaesun.

Jaesun finally understands the way of things. Just like tavern wenches are always good for quick pleasure, but a permanent wench guarantees regularised satisfaction, raiding will provide quick money, but conquest is what really enriches an empire.

And the perfect opportunity comes to apply this teaching. Hordaland is de jure part of Vestlandet, just like Telemark and Rogaland, but had been subjugated by Denmark early on. Now that they have joined an uprising against the Danish King, if we are quick, we can seize these lands for the Glory of Codexia.

Raiding money allows us to afford The Irish Band: Cheaper Than Everyone Except Those Bloody Finns, And Who Wants Them Anyway.

That was quick.

After that, though, it is another few years without great opportunities. The Ostlandet side is firmly held by Petty King Haraldr, and Jaesun decides one last round of tax collection is appropriate. The French vending machines have not failed him before...

Wait, when did you Frenchies get here? No matter, these aren't the kind of odds that will send a Norseman running!

These are, though.

Captured by a woman. The indignity.

(I'm not even sure why the Flemish army was hostile; I didn't raid their territory, so I thought I was safe, but it figures that the Jowls of Jaesun are now hated by every regular army out there.)

The Grand Bitch refuses any attempt for ransom, her heart hardened by years of Jaesun's raiding.

But surely she has the decency to treat a head of Telemark, Rogaland, Hordaland and Orkno with some honour.

Okay, that was a good move, I'll grant you that.

With Jaesun's health visibly worsening, the Bitch finally concedes a hefty ransom of seventy gold for his release. Since we've extracted at least 250 gold from her lands in the last decade, Jaesun still comes out on top.

Jaesun returns and furiously rounds up the Jowls for a revenge invasion of West Francia, but his advisors refer him to the latest Report on Army Sizes. Perhaps we need to be a little more... patient.

Little JarlFrank is already six, and Jaesun will personally educate him.

Promising future revenge against the Bitch of Paris, Jaesun turns his eyes to England. The Danish had subjugated most of Middle England, but after five years, are still locked in the same civil war that had gifted us with Hordaland. The Petty Kingdom of Jorvik is fighting the Jorvik Dynasty in Denmark...

Oh, look, another Bitch. Well I suppose this will be good compensatory blowing. Of steam.

The mercenaries land first.

Listen, JarlFrank, I don't know where you get this 'humble' idea from, but remember: nobody gives a shit about you, so you have to make them. With your crotch and with your axe. It's the only way.

The mercenaries are joined by the Jowls, and the sieges progress swimmingly.

By intervening in a Danish civil war, we are open to attack from both sides; the orthodox Danes try to ensure that their prize is not stolen by the Jowls.

Yes, yes. Now will you stop bothering me in the middle of a war?

Jaesun decides the best way to blow off the stress of war and childcare is some S&M.

Jaesun wins and... wait, we're a King now?

Ah, yes. the Petty Kingdom of Jorvik, on the same level as the Petty Kingdom (=Duchy) of Ostlandet, means we are now legally emancipated from Haraldr's yoke. Our newfound independence stretches from Gainsborough to Telemark to Orkney. This will put a hamper on Ostlandet's ambitions to create the Kingdom of Norway.

Jaesun is not yet thirty, and he has achieved so much. Surely it's okay to take a bit of a rest now.

Denmark remains torn up, with the Russians of all things taking a bite out of their homeland. The counsellors argue the situation is ripe for further conquest, but Jaesun waves them away, enjoying his newfound sloth.

Due to our marriage with Rikissa, we are still allied with Ostlandet, which is probably why Haraldr can't come after us to re-subjugate. Fine with me.

One problem is that Agder remains in the Ostlandet realm, and Infinitron is temporarily out of our reach. Well, he has done absolutely nothing with his life so far, so I'm sure we can leave him be for now.

But now that we are independent, it is time to make our intentions clear. Eventually, it is us who shall be King of Norway, not Haraldr, not Infinitron!

People die because we kill them, JarlFrank. It looks like we may need to kickstart your education.

Now you understand!

The year now approaches 900 A.D., and Jaesun will reach the age of thirty, having been on the throne for twenty-five of it. As the newest Petty King of Jorvik, he decides he is worth a grand runestone.

Jaesun's not particularly talented in any area, but I'm sure we can find something good to say for posterity.

I guess they couldn't.

Next: the second part of Jaesun's reign, into the 10th century.

 

[Gondolin]

Excellent!

 

[Absalom]

Groovy

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Tigranes]

3. The Jowls of Jaesun: Part B, 900-916

King Jaesun is twenty-nine. He has an heir, a full demesne, a track record of terror across the high seas. It all makes him very happy. Just look at him. Look at that smile.

Spoiler

.

He's so happy that he pampers JalFrank a little bit. Isn't life great?

Oh, a girl. Someone else can raise her.

Jaesun engages in some recreational French raping, and finds the Bitch Queen's realm in full disarray. Wars against her crown authority and rulership have found discontent vassals all over the realm. It's almost disappointing when they're pillaging each other already.

Shyness? What? I just want an excuse to beat the shit out of you, boy.

The time-honoured Norse tradition of capital education doesn't work. Big surprise.

But let us turn our attention back to the French. Queen Gisele I, the bitch who once imprisoned Jaesun, is facing revolts all over. We raid Paris for the second time, which I assume is the political equivalent to waving your bare arse at someone while they're drowning in the river.

Well now we don't have to pay his salary, so I suppose he did do his job.

My lady, you are a NORSEWOMEN. Norsewomen don't cry when told they're fat, they eat another leg of oxen and then smash the offender in the face.

With our new English territory, the Europeans are growing ever more keen to proselytise. These misguided souls will be shown the error of their ways. The "error of their ways" looks a lot like a hot poker coming at your left eye, by the way.

Life teaches Jaesun that Money = Prestige.

The money goes into creating an honourary title, the Jarldom of Vestlandet. With this we really have just as much claim - if not territory - to the Kingdom of Norway as our dear father-in low Haraldr of Ostlandet.

We are the King of Two Axes.

With the realm safe and prosperous, Jaesun once again looks abroad for opportunities. The Danish have consolidated after their civil war, and are probably far too much for us at this stage.

King Haraldr is old but still going strong, and commands great respect across the realm. We still have an alliance with the old man and it probably does us good to keep it that way.

Here we go. A small European kingdom, full of coastal provinces that we have free Casus Belli on, ruled by a six-year old. I think we will go do them in, and also do her. In. The Throne. Metaphorically speaking. Um.

The Petty Kingdom of Vestlandet can finally outnumber its enemies without mercenaries.

Jaesun eats shield, is proclaimed berserker.

The war is won easily, and we choose to take Zeeland. This gives us an excellent staging posts for further raids and invasions on both British and Continental sides. With this, Jaesun makes his ambitions clear; we shall be much more than just Kings of Norway.

Another girl. As it stands, JarlFrank will inherit the entire pie.

What a fine young man he's turned out to- OK, you know what, that is the worst beard I've ever seen. He looks like a nerd at a frat party that just dipped his jaw in skunk. Not looking forward to his rule.

To reform the Norse faith into an institutionalised religion, we need to hold five sites held as holy; Tholen, in Zeeland, is for some reason one of them. Clearly, for the Norse, "holy site" just means "the best wenches we ever raped in our raiding journeys".

Of course you accept.

I can't remember if all the sites just need to be in Norse control, or if they need to be under my control. Either way, the Norse shall become a Church soon enough.

Like his father ironyuri who will update his Arcanum CYOA very very soon any day now, Jaesun can read.

It's very artistic porn, and Jaesun has some trouble appreciating it at first glance.

Jaesun decides he's into good ol' lolita manga rather than the tentacle stuff.

But enough of that. The decrepit Bitch Queen faces an even larger civil war this time. The entire duchy of Zeeland to the North in yellow has defected, and the counties just below have pledged allegiance to Aquitaine. Gisele I controls less than half of West Francia.

Now is our opportunity. Her armies are strong, but occupied, and dwindling. If we prepare an invasion now, we might be able to claim a brilliant coup.

Norsemen flock to our banner as we prepare for the greatest invasion thus far.

After a year of preparation, all is ready. First, a contingent of mercenaries and freelancers board the longboats.

A victory would give us control over the Kingdom of West Francia; a tantalising prospect.

Our combined might is larger than pretty much every army the Kingdom has ever fielded, combined. The Flemish besiege Paris and we look to rack up the warscore in the West.

But the French ignore the threat to their own capital, and march the bulk of their army straight towards us. Strategically foolish, but this presents us with a problem.

We combine our entire army in Maine and meet them on the field of battle, to discover most of them are in fact from Lotharingia! The Karlings have united against the Norse threat. This is not good at all. We need to win this war quickly, before all of Europe is swarming over us.

King Hermenegildo I of Asturias, which is surely some kind of euphemism for hermaphrodite dildo, is the son of Gisele I, and personally leads the army; a truly international battle.

Oh, Jaesun. You were eating shields and bashing brains just a few years ago. What's gotten into you?

A second detachment of mercenaries are shipped over from Norway, but we are winning anyway.

A momentous, though fairly narrow, victory. Can we really conquer West Francia?

Once we start completing sieges we will have a decent warscore, but crucially, the gigantic Aquitaine has joined the war against us - having just fought against West Francia themselves a few years ago! This racism really wounds Jaesun's heart.

The Lotharingian-Aquitaine meddlers sweep up Flemish resistance. We must be quick...

...but there's not enough time. We unwisely assault the city, and the Lotharingians bring a larger army to bear while we are licking our wounds.

Fuck.

Well, we blew our load all in one go, and there's not much to be done. The coalition is just far too powerful.

What's worse, the Bitch Queen - having done nothing the entire war - refuses even a white peace! A surrender would not only humiliate us, but the reputation of the Norse as a whole.

Yet there seems to be no other choice...

...and Jaesun humiliatingly submits to the Bitch once again. The Norse have been beaten back. Perhaps it was all too soon, perhaps Jaesun was too ambitious. But we will try again, in a few years, stronger and wiser...

...or, get invaded up the arse by our father-in-law and ally.

It seems that while we haven't been paying attention, Haraldr's sons died early, leaving Jaesun's wife Rikissa as the heir to Ostlandet. This would have given us a one-way ticket to JarlFrank uniting Norway, and Haraldr isn't having it. He'll do it himself and subjugate us before his time is up.

Who the fuck are you? Seriously, everyone likes a threesome, but nobody likes a gangbanger they haven't met.

Haraldr begins by smashing our little picturesque isle in Orkney.

Meanwhile, Essex sends its considerable forces all the way to Norway. Jaesun planned to ignore them and try and take out Ostlandet while their forces were overseas, but are forced to contend with the British.

Meanwhile, JarlFrank won't shut up about getting some, so we betroth him to an 8 year old daughter of the King of Scotland. Serves you right for whining.

Since we were fighting Essex anyway, we decide to end that war first.

This turns out to be a grave mistake. While our forces are split, Haraldr's men return from Orkney and set up a defensive position we can't overwhelm. The longer this goes, the more at risk we will be - we alrready spent most of our money in the failed invasion of Francia.

Jaesun even turns to less than honourable means...

...but it turns out everyone loves the old bastard.

We save up our forces, hoping we can force a decisive battle. All the troops from England are recalled as well.

But our bowmen are immediately swarmed by Haraldr's cavalry, sabotaging our battle at the very start.

We've lost the war.

Even more insulting, Aquitaine (I think) joins this war too, and stomps all over our British territory.

We thus lose the second war in a row, ceding those lands to the Duke of Essex.

Oh, sure, you come now. Do you enjoy writing about broken men and their unrealised dreams?

And the final blow comes soon after. Due to the subjugation CB, every single one of Jaesun's titles are revoked by the old Haraldr.

The Banner of Codexia is nowhere to be found. Is this the end?

Not quite yet. Jarl Jaesun, now 46, remains the Jarl of Jorvik, and the chief of Zeeland. We are now back to where ironyuri was nearly half a century ago - a one province minor - but this time surrounded by Europeans, on foreign soil, and with an idiot for an heir. Can the glory of Codexia ever be realised?

Next time, the third and (probably) final part of Jaesun's reign.

 

[thesoup]

Glorious.

 

[SCO]

no 2nd place on the game of thrones <.<

 

[MicoSelva]

This is great! MOAR!
By the way, won't JarlFrank still (eventually) inherit the kingdom from his grandfather?

 

[Ulminati]

Poor Jaesun just couldn't catch a break.


Odin demands more sacrifices upon the altar of lulz!

 

[Tigranes]

This is great! MOAR!
By the way, won't JarlFrank still (eventually) inherit the kingdom from his grandfather?

That... could be. I'll have to check. :D Main challenge will be for Jaesun to not get wiped and get a game-over before that happens.

 

[CappenVarra]

Codexians fail in an amusing manner, news at eleven

 

[Storyfag]

Codexians fail in an amusing manner, news at eleven

Well, that's the entire reason why we love the playground...

 

[Tigranes]

4. The Jowls of Jaesun: Finale, 916-923

The proud Jaesun has been emasculated and reduced to a single, foreign county of Zeeland. The very man who taught Europe to fear the Norse has now taught to deride them.

Spoiler

.

Spoiler

But not all is lost. For all his warmongering, Haraldr of Ostlandet is now sixty-six and without a son. Through my wife Rikissa, JarlFrank shall inherit all he has wrought. We simply need to survive until the old man cops it.

And what of Infinitron, Jaesun's brother, who opted to dedicate his life sucking Haraldr's withered cock? He still reigns as the Chief of Agder, with a few scars to show.

Haraldr is fully aware of what is due to happen upon his death, and he's determined to stop it. His first step is the murder of his menopausal wife.

On the day of her funeral, he crowns himself King of Norway. Guy is truly Codexian in his tastefulness.

Meanwhile, Jaesun's daughter comes of age, and everyone is delighted to discover she has become an indulgent wastrel. We're not sure what she's indulging in, because the entire Kingdom owns about two and a half potatoes between them at the moment.

King Haraldr, whose hair down there is said to be mighty well groomed, takes a girl in her twenties as a new wife to kickstart his breeding program.

This new wench threatens to ruin everything; she must die, before she sires a son.

Thankfully, the realm is plenty discontent at Haraldr's fucking around (literally), and is all too happy to sponsor our plot.

No wai.

With half the court in on the plot, it doesn't take long to set up a - wait, an inn that explodes in manure to kill the target? Do you... do you mean...

Jaesun finally realises the true circumstances behind the death of his father, ironyuri. It must be an Ostlandet assassination tradition!

Well, the manure's on you now.

With Permanent Wench #2 out of the way we are back to monitoring Haraldr's health. He is too popular and well guarded for the manure lightning to hit a third time, but surely he will die of his own accord soon enough. Meanwhile, Infinitron embarks on the first display of ambition he has shown in his entire life... by following in Jaesun's footsteps to invade a lone Dutch county.

It doesn't end well for him.

The seat of Agder passes to his eldest son, Ironyuri the Second. He is the envy of all the Norsemen around him, having achieved the coveted title of Kinslayer by the tender age of 23.

Told you. Looks great on your CV.

A few years holed up in Zeeland, Jaesun has now scrounged enough troops together to revive the Jowls of Jaesun. Five hundred men is a far cry from the glory days, but the French are as rape-ready as ever, and we will need plenty of cash for the succession crisis on the horizon.

Remember how we betrothed JarlFrank to an infant a while ago? Well, Gyla is now the Princess of Scotland, and he can finally get some. (We obviously didn't want him to marry too early, since we can't name his offspring until we are playing as him.)

Haraldr I celebrates his 69th birthday by finding yet another young wench to 69 it with. Look, she's still blushing from the nuptials.

JarlFrank birthes his first wench...

...while Ironyuri cops it early. Shockingly, no traces of manure were found in the vicinity, suggesting a new and terrifying method of assassination at work.

Infinitron's line is now extinguished, and Agder passes to Freyja, a Codexian wench. No more of note shall be said of them, it seems.

Jaesun too has hit 50, and the glory days of actually winning battles seem so long ago.

But what's this? Haraldr I finally passes away at the age of 71, and the young JarlFrank leaves Jaesun's hold in Zeeland, inheriting through Gavelkind the Jarldom of Vestlandet!

Jaesun's wife also leaves him to take up the post as ruling Queen of Norway. Even better, the Kingdom's heir remains JarlFrank. Jaesun subsists on instant noodles and TV dinners back in Zeeland, wondering whether he should now set the manure on his own wife.

Jaesun is ill, old, and it all seems to be falling apart. In fact, this might be a blessing in disguise...

...indeed, he doesn't seem to have a lot to live for, at any rate.

We ask our other in-law, the King of Scotland, who is also married to the ruling Queen of Denmark, for help. The Norse really do sleep around. He is dealing with a civil war right now, though, and Zeeland might well be doomed.

At least we have ridiculously long lifespans.

The indefatigable Jaesun cobbles together more mercenaries for this final struggle. With superior numbers, they meet the filthy Europeans on the field of battle.

But the result is a shameful defeat. Perhaps the technology gap has already grown to the point that European swords are sharper than ours?

Brugge, our favourite raiding haunt, declares war as revenge for the seven hundred wenches we visited the last three decades. I don't think that's quite grounds for war, but I suppose they're just sensitive.

It's almost a relief when you know the end is nigh.

Zeeland, the last stronghold of Jaesun's realm, is conquered.

What happens now? Jaesun returns, a broken man, to Norway, where his wife, the ruling Queen of Norway, gives him a nice crown to play with. His ambitions were never fulfilled, his wars were fruitless, and his crown achievement was to marry the right girl. Thus Jaesun Ironyurisson of Codexia passes out of history, spending his last years playing old wargames...

Instead, we now turn to the life of Jarl JarlFrank. Thirty-two and marginally better-looking than his father, JarlFrank is married to the Princess of Scotland, and stands to inherit the Kingdom of Norway from his mother. Ironically, the Queen had granted him not only the titular title of Jarl, but the County of Telemark - the very seat of Ironyuri I. Here, fifty-five years after it all began, we return.

The Queen is fifty, and all her vassals hate her, but she seems to be holding the Kingdom together admirably. With Jaesun still alive, there is little chance of a new offspring to displace JarlFrank from succession.

Next time: the first chronicles of JarlFrank, and a shot of the World at Large.

 

[Ulminati]

Glory to Codexia!

Glory to Jarl Jarl!

 

[Storyfag]

Can't wait for the next update. I wonder if JarlFrank won't find himself over a manure pit...

 

[Kattze]

 

[MicoSelva]

Glorious.

I've never had a situation like this before - when You have no teritories to rule, the game moves to a heir that does have them?

 

[Storyfag]

We're now really, really close to page 2. And reaching it would make life for my workplace laptop much easier :D

 

[RedScum]

Then lets try to bump it.

Also, nice lets play.

 

[Azira]