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In Progress Incline to the Dark Ages: Let's Play Crusader Kings 2: The Old Gods
- Thread starter Tigranes
- Start date
Tigranes
Arcane
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2009
- Messages
- 10,350
9. The Crusade of Cleve: Part A, 982-1010
King Cleve is a stuttering, concubine-born, wroth, arbitrary genius.
His first act as the King of Norway is to appease his numerous vassals, all of whom must face the idea that a boy who can't say "She sells sea shells" without spitting all over his overshirt is now their ruler. Cleve's brother, Multi-Headed Cow, at five days old already understands the value of bribery.
Meanwhile, King Cleve's education must now be handled by a mentor. The precocious Cleve picks out his own teacher, a middle-aged unmarried foreigner named Purysho Cheremisid. Cleve is a firm believer in unorthodox education, asserting that traditional court guidance is a product of latter-day Norwegian decadence and decline.
At least the murderers and rapists are fronting the Viking incline.
One day, Cleve is found choking on bone, having attempted to devour two wild boars in one midnight gorge. The royal doctors give up on the young King, but summoning a muscular reflex, long lost in the evolutionary process, Cleve vomits out the offending artifact.
The experience teaches him that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself. King Cleve is blessed with superior genes, and cannot be killed so easily.
Surely, with his superior humanity, King Cleve is destined to lead.
No code, no rule shall bind his will.
Already taking to statescraft, King Cleve commands that his remaining years in adolescence are not wasted. His men engage in ever farther raiding trips, eventually reaching a haughty, golden-dressed man foreigners call the 'Pope'. He is said to possess literally thousands of ducats. Cleve is disgusted that Catholics would bestow their highest religious crown on whoever has the most cash; he thinks if he were to institute a religion, things would be very different...
The Norwegian armies are strong enough to fend off European levies now.
King Cleve discovers that he now has a new regent, and nobody will tell him exactly why. He's troubled by the fact that his new supervisor seems to harbour a strange affection for preadolescent boys, and is rarely ever seen actually doing any work. This experience withSirTech Gandalfr would strengthen his belief that no man on Earth compares in ability or judgment to his own.
News arrives of the sacking of Rome, but the Pope with his mountains of gold remains elusive.
At last, King Cleve is officially crowned as the second Codexian King of Norway. Though his unorthodox tutoring has left him with no publicly recognisable form of learning, and his strange habits repel diplomatic envoys, he demonstrates a special talent for military affairs.
Indeed, his mercurial and unpredictable tactics confound his generals, for both good and worse.
King Cleve caps off his formative years with a healthy dosage of envy. Remember, he who is not jealous is not ambitious.
King Cleve, after a decade of raiding, is also fucking loaded.
To what ambition shall King Cleve dedicate his reign, his talents, his massive pile of gold? His advisors speak out for Sweden, for England, for France, but Cleve knows best. He has read of the great Norse hordes, of the raiding, pillaging, looting only a century ago; how the Norse terrified the British, the Germanic, the French, how Jaesun Codexia once landed thousands of Norsemen on the banks of the Seine. He has seen how one by one, the Scottish, the Danish, the various Norse kingdoms have turned Catholic. And he has seen how that heathen religion honours not bravery, not intelligence, not human triumph, but mere gold of the Pope. It is time for the Norse faith to be revitalised. The Norse pantheon will be honoured throughout Europe. Norse shall become a true religion, and at its head, King Cleve will spearhead the spiritual incline of the known world.
To erect the Norse religion Cleve must overcome a variety of hurdles. Norway only holds currently one of the five holy sites, and Cleve himself must prove his piety to the world at large.
Moreover, the Moral Authority of the faith itself is at an all-time low; some of the holy sites are not fully norse controlled, while some still remember the failed invasion of Jaesun.
The first step is to reconquer the holy sites. Zeeland, once Jaesun's final stronghold, is now part of the Kingdom of Lotharingia, a difficult enemy.
Uppland is loyal to the sons of Rurik, a large and faraway Kingdom.
Sjaelland is held by the Danish - in JarlFrank's time the strongest of the Norse kingdoms, but now falling away piece by piece, half of its core lands eaten up by ambitious Swedish Jarls.
Finally, Braunschweig is at the heart of East Francia, the most difficult prize of all.
The course of action is clear. King Cleve's opening salvos fall on the Danish Queen, the same wench that had tried to penetrate JarlFrank's exposed posterior during his civil war.
Cleve first sends four thousand Russians, hired from his limitless reserve.
He establishes an elite, hand-picked set of bodyguards, picking only those who show similar signs of genetic superiority. These descendants of Best Humans will safeguard Cleve's person until his ambitions are fulfilled.
The Danish Civil War acts as a convenient distraction, with the Queen's forces occupied elsewhere.
East Francia and Scotland joins the war, however; Cleve must act quickly.
Cleve's gigantic fleet affords unparalleled mobility, allowing the Norwegian armies to lure then sandwich opposing forces.
Cleve personally commands a pitched battle against East Frankish forces...
...chopping heathen heads off with one hand while pushing down a wench's head with the other. Multi-tasking is just another genetic advantage.
Just the first step to ultimate incline.
The next step is the heirs of Rurik. Their kingdom is large, but Cleve shall not be deterred; their leader is but a child, and may crack easily under the pressure.
This time, Cleve delegates the war to his generals. You see, Cleve has realised that to avoid the fate of his forefathers (assassination, plotting, rebellion, betrayal), he must be sufficiently savvy to ward off veiled threats to his authority and life. He diligently practices his intrigue...
Cleve moves silently in the night, learning from the experience.
Indeed, what is yours is mine.
The genetically inferior are but playthings in Cleve's grand design.
"Bring us some soup" shall henceforth become a euphemism for "you're fucked".
Of course the scheme is complete. It's a Cleve Blakemore scheme.
King Cleve is now a master of intrigue, as well as a master of everything else.
This newfound perception allows Cleve to detect new threats before they become a problem. True to Codexian tradition, the wench sibling is feeling penis envy and wishes she could rule, instead.
She even has the temerity to flee our guards to Finland.
But there can be no escape from the wrath of Cleve, foolish wench.
Our other sibling, Multi-headed Cow, has grown up to be a fine specimen of exactly why it is King Cleve that should rule.
But enough of court intrigue. Gardariki has broken up into a fractious civil war, partly due to the pressure of Norwegian invasion. This should pose little trouble to our experienced forces...
...and indeed, Uppland is soon ours.
The first condition is now fulfilled; three of the holy sites are in Cleve's custody. Next, what can he do to prove his piety, that he deserves to be the chaplain of the Norse faith?
Cleve, as usual, knows exactly what to do. A great blot, the likes of which ad not been held in decades, is announced.
And now, Cleve unveils his surprise. A Scottish priest, a filthy turncoat who set aside the ways of the Norse, is sacrificed in the name of Thor.
With the delighted roars of his vassals still ringing in his ears, King Cleve summons the main dish: a full-fledged Bishop. Words of King Cleve's intolerance spreads rapidly, and is met with universal praise from his Norse subjects.
Meanwhile, Cleve's armies take another summer vacation... and finds something is amiss.
Ah, well. That's new.
Even the King of Aquitaine is somehow Shi'a. Will the Muslim hordes truly conquer Western Europe? Will the Norwegian raiders have to pillage mosques instead of cathedrals?
King Cleve is nicknamed 'the Lionheart' for his many exploits. He is but thirty years old. Much more greatness is to come.
Cleve notices that his traitorous sister had actually returned to Norway, in the court of the Jarl of Jamlaland. She is sorely mistaken if she thinks Cleve would have forgotten.
King Cleve will not execut her, like Hiver did, but she will never be a free wench again.
To ensure good succession, a permanent wench is found. She may not be genetically superior, but she is a wondefully gifted child, and breeding is likely to produce rulers of good stock. Some of the court murmur at the age difference, but Cleve does not see the problem; why, in prehistoric times, a wench that could breed was a wench fit to have.
Meanwhile, Cleve sets about on the last part of his plan; an indiscriminate wave of looting and conquest about the Baltic coast, to spread the terror of the Norse and to raise its Moral Authority. It was said that Cleve once slew seven hundred men on his own. Well, it was mostly said by Cleve, but who are you not to believe his tales?
New holdings are conquered and distributed. Cleve searches high and low and finds a distant Codexian, Ofeig. Let's keep the Jarldoms in the family, shall we?
Finally, all is ready.
King Cleve announces The Norse Reformation, the greatest religious event to occur since the Council of Nicaea. Cleve I Blakemore is the Fylkir, and issues forth the religious doctrine that all Norse must now follow. They mainly involve a lifelong dedication to looting and pillaging.
As Fylkir, Cleve I is not only the secular ruler of Norway, but the religious leader of all Norse in theory.
Of course, many Norse still foolishly cling to the old ways, even within Norway; even worse, Denmark and the British Isles are now entirely free of Norse influence. King Cleve will not rest until his doctrine is obeyed across the whole of Europe.
Perhaps the time has finally come to renew Jaesun's ambition: a great invasion of Catholic heartlands...
Next time: Cleve goes to war.
King Cleve is a stuttering, concubine-born, wroth, arbitrary genius.
His first act as the King of Norway is to appease his numerous vassals, all of whom must face the idea that a boy who can't say "She sells sea shells" without spitting all over his overshirt is now their ruler. Cleve's brother, Multi-Headed Cow, at five days old already understands the value of bribery.
Meanwhile, King Cleve's education must now be handled by a mentor. The precocious Cleve picks out his own teacher, a middle-aged unmarried foreigner named Purysho Cheremisid. Cleve is a firm believer in unorthodox education, asserting that traditional court guidance is a product of latter-day Norwegian decadence and decline.
At least the murderers and rapists are fronting the Viking incline.
One day, Cleve is found choking on bone, having attempted to devour two wild boars in one midnight gorge. The royal doctors give up on the young King, but summoning a muscular reflex, long lost in the evolutionary process, Cleve vomits out the offending artifact.
The experience teaches him that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself. King Cleve is blessed with superior genes, and cannot be killed so easily.
Surely, with his superior humanity, King Cleve is destined to lead.
No code, no rule shall bind his will.
Already taking to statescraft, King Cleve commands that his remaining years in adolescence are not wasted. His men engage in ever farther raiding trips, eventually reaching a haughty, golden-dressed man foreigners call the 'Pope'. He is said to possess literally thousands of ducats. Cleve is disgusted that Catholics would bestow their highest religious crown on whoever has the most cash; he thinks if he were to institute a religion, things would be very different...
The Norwegian armies are strong enough to fend off European levies now.
King Cleve discovers that he now has a new regent, and nobody will tell him exactly why. He's troubled by the fact that his new supervisor seems to harbour a strange affection for preadolescent boys, and is rarely ever seen actually doing any work. This experience with
News arrives of the sacking of Rome, but the Pope with his mountains of gold remains elusive.
At last, King Cleve is officially crowned as the second Codexian King of Norway. Though his unorthodox tutoring has left him with no publicly recognisable form of learning, and his strange habits repel diplomatic envoys, he demonstrates a special talent for military affairs.
Indeed, his mercurial and unpredictable tactics confound his generals, for both good and worse.
King Cleve caps off his formative years with a healthy dosage of envy. Remember, he who is not jealous is not ambitious.
King Cleve, after a decade of raiding, is also fucking loaded.
To what ambition shall King Cleve dedicate his reign, his talents, his massive pile of gold? His advisors speak out for Sweden, for England, for France, but Cleve knows best. He has read of the great Norse hordes, of the raiding, pillaging, looting only a century ago; how the Norse terrified the British, the Germanic, the French, how Jaesun Codexia once landed thousands of Norsemen on the banks of the Seine. He has seen how one by one, the Scottish, the Danish, the various Norse kingdoms have turned Catholic. And he has seen how that heathen religion honours not bravery, not intelligence, not human triumph, but mere gold of the Pope. It is time for the Norse faith to be revitalised. The Norse pantheon will be honoured throughout Europe. Norse shall become a true religion, and at its head, King Cleve will spearhead the spiritual incline of the known world.
To erect the Norse religion Cleve must overcome a variety of hurdles. Norway only holds currently one of the five holy sites, and Cleve himself must prove his piety to the world at large.
Moreover, the Moral Authority of the faith itself is at an all-time low; some of the holy sites are not fully norse controlled, while some still remember the failed invasion of Jaesun.
The first step is to reconquer the holy sites. Zeeland, once Jaesun's final stronghold, is now part of the Kingdom of Lotharingia, a difficult enemy.
Uppland is loyal to the sons of Rurik, a large and faraway Kingdom.
Sjaelland is held by the Danish - in JarlFrank's time the strongest of the Norse kingdoms, but now falling away piece by piece, half of its core lands eaten up by ambitious Swedish Jarls.
Finally, Braunschweig is at the heart of East Francia, the most difficult prize of all.
The course of action is clear. King Cleve's opening salvos fall on the Danish Queen, the same wench that had tried to penetrate JarlFrank's exposed posterior during his civil war.
Cleve first sends four thousand Russians, hired from his limitless reserve.
He establishes an elite, hand-picked set of bodyguards, picking only those who show similar signs of genetic superiority. These descendants of Best Humans will safeguard Cleve's person until his ambitions are fulfilled.
The Danish Civil War acts as a convenient distraction, with the Queen's forces occupied elsewhere.
East Francia and Scotland joins the war, however; Cleve must act quickly.
Cleve's gigantic fleet affords unparalleled mobility, allowing the Norwegian armies to lure then sandwich opposing forces.
Cleve personally commands a pitched battle against East Frankish forces...
...chopping heathen heads off with one hand while pushing down a wench's head with the other. Multi-tasking is just another genetic advantage.
Just the first step to ultimate incline.
The next step is the heirs of Rurik. Their kingdom is large, but Cleve shall not be deterred; their leader is but a child, and may crack easily under the pressure.
This time, Cleve delegates the war to his generals. You see, Cleve has realised that to avoid the fate of his forefathers (assassination, plotting, rebellion, betrayal), he must be sufficiently savvy to ward off veiled threats to his authority and life. He diligently practices his intrigue...
Cleve moves silently in the night, learning from the experience.
Indeed, what is yours is mine.
The genetically inferior are but playthings in Cleve's grand design.
"Bring us some soup" shall henceforth become a euphemism for "you're fucked".
Of course the scheme is complete. It's a Cleve Blakemore scheme.
King Cleve is now a master of intrigue, as well as a master of everything else.
This newfound perception allows Cleve to detect new threats before they become a problem. True to Codexian tradition, the wench sibling is feeling penis envy and wishes she could rule, instead.
She even has the temerity to flee our guards to Finland.
But there can be no escape from the wrath of Cleve, foolish wench.
Our other sibling, Multi-headed Cow, has grown up to be a fine specimen of exactly why it is King Cleve that should rule.
But enough of court intrigue. Gardariki has broken up into a fractious civil war, partly due to the pressure of Norwegian invasion. This should pose little trouble to our experienced forces...
...and indeed, Uppland is soon ours.
The first condition is now fulfilled; three of the holy sites are in Cleve's custody. Next, what can he do to prove his piety, that he deserves to be the chaplain of the Norse faith?
Cleve, as usual, knows exactly what to do. A great blot, the likes of which ad not been held in decades, is announced.
And now, Cleve unveils his surprise. A Scottish priest, a filthy turncoat who set aside the ways of the Norse, is sacrificed in the name of Thor.
With the delighted roars of his vassals still ringing in his ears, King Cleve summons the main dish: a full-fledged Bishop. Words of King Cleve's intolerance spreads rapidly, and is met with universal praise from his Norse subjects.
Meanwhile, Cleve's armies take another summer vacation... and finds something is amiss.
Ah, well. That's new.
Even the King of Aquitaine is somehow Shi'a. Will the Muslim hordes truly conquer Western Europe? Will the Norwegian raiders have to pillage mosques instead of cathedrals?
King Cleve is nicknamed 'the Lionheart' for his many exploits. He is but thirty years old. Much more greatness is to come.
Cleve notices that his traitorous sister had actually returned to Norway, in the court of the Jarl of Jamlaland. She is sorely mistaken if she thinks Cleve would have forgotten.
King Cleve will not execut her, like Hiver did, but she will never be a free wench again.
To ensure good succession, a permanent wench is found. She may not be genetically superior, but she is a wondefully gifted child, and breeding is likely to produce rulers of good stock. Some of the court murmur at the age difference, but Cleve does not see the problem; why, in prehistoric times, a wench that could breed was a wench fit to have.
Meanwhile, Cleve sets about on the last part of his plan; an indiscriminate wave of looting and conquest about the Baltic coast, to spread the terror of the Norse and to raise its Moral Authority. It was said that Cleve once slew seven hundred men on his own. Well, it was mostly said by Cleve, but who are you not to believe his tales?
New holdings are conquered and distributed. Cleve searches high and low and finds a distant Codexian, Ofeig. Let's keep the Jarldoms in the family, shall we?
Finally, all is ready.
King Cleve announces The Norse Reformation, the greatest religious event to occur since the Council of Nicaea. Cleve I Blakemore is the Fylkir, and issues forth the religious doctrine that all Norse must now follow. They mainly involve a lifelong dedication to looting and pillaging.
As Fylkir, Cleve I is not only the secular ruler of Norway, but the religious leader of all Norse in theory.
Of course, many Norse still foolishly cling to the old ways, even within Norway; even worse, Denmark and the British Isles are now entirely free of Norse influence. King Cleve will not rest until his doctrine is obeyed across the whole of Europe.
Perhaps the time has finally come to renew Jaesun's ambition: a great invasion of Catholic heartlands...
Next time: Cleve goes to war.
Massive 
truly worthy of Cleve. Remove cross and moon from the premises!
truly worthy of Cleve. Remove cross and moon from the premises!
I'm surprised King Cleve has no children yet. He should spread his superior genes generously.
Edit: Dudebro, post a world map.
Edit: Dudebro, post a world map.
Oh come on, you have to be save-scumming to get these "thematically appropriate" events
Truly epic. 
Looking forward to the war.
Looking forward to the war.
Tigranes
Arcane
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2009
- Messages
- 10,350
Surprisingly, it seems once the first couple of Codexians embodied all the Codexian virtues, the chances of their sons inheriting them (through paternal education) is pretty high. :D
I'll update tonight, but state of the world:
Intermission. The World, 1010 A.D.
The World in the new millennium is much the same as the old; not enough incline, too much decline.
The 'Great' Emperor has allowed kebabs to occupy Constantinople, but retains a sizable set of holdings. Is this only temporary, or will this truly be the untimely demise of the Byzantine Empire?
The Muslim incursion into France has been desisted for now, but it has left its mark, with many Frenchmen converted to the Shi'a faith. The King of Aquitaine may now again be Catholic, but he is in the minority with many of his Dukes praising Allah.
Wanko is Great Potato.
I'll update tonight, but state of the world:
Intermission. The World, 1010 A.D.
The World in the new millennium is much the same as the old; not enough incline, too much decline.
The 'Great' Emperor has allowed kebabs to occupy Constantinople, but retains a sizable set of holdings. Is this only temporary, or will this truly be the untimely demise of the Byzantine Empire?
The Muslim incursion into France has been desisted for now, but it has left its mark, with many Frenchmen converted to the Shi'a faith. The King of Aquitaine may now again be Catholic, but he is in the minority with many of his Dukes praising Allah.
Wanko is Great Potato.
So many baphometans 
Put some kebab in in England and Germany and you will have a map of modern Europe.
Wanko. Heh.
Put some kebab in in England and Germany and you will have a map of modern Europe.
Wanko. Heh.
Merkwürdigliebe
Arcane
Holy mother of kebab. It's all so clear now, Ragnarök = kebab invasion of Europe.
This Poland is almost as weirdly shaped as the Poland my Poraj house rules in my playthrough. Almost.
Corporate_Jew_Master
Arcane
King Kleve the Inkliner must defend the last vestiges of Neanderthal genestock from the marauding arab hordes.
Drive them out of Yurop.
Drive them out of Yurop.
Tigranes
Arcane
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2009
- Messages
- 10,350
I've played another 15 years or so, update coming within 8 hours.
The problem is that Holy Wars make all the Christian Kingdoms flock to the victim's banner. Scotland, England, Lotharingia, Aquitaine, Italy and East Francia can each field at least 15k; Norway can afford about that much plus mercenaries. One key problem is that as a new faith we have no holy orders to draw upon (I don't know if we'll get any later). If Aquitaine were to become a Muslim Kingdom, or the Muslims were to splinter a little bit, that could be manageable.
The problem is that Holy Wars make all the Christian Kingdoms flock to the victim's banner. Scotland, England, Lotharingia, Aquitaine, Italy and East Francia can each field at least 15k; Norway can afford about that much plus mercenaries. One key problem is that as a new faith we have no holy orders to draw upon (I don't know if we'll get any later). If Aquitaine were to become a Muslim Kingdom, or the Muslims were to splinter a little bit, that could be manageable.
Is Wanko really a Polish name?
Maybe try converting the Potato of Potatoes to the true faith?
Maybe try converting the Potato of Potatoes to the true faith?
Cassidy
Arcane
Burn the steppe, salt the yurt, march with a glorious Neanderthal army to purge the melonhead Khazars and their goy puppets from this world!
Tigranes
Arcane
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2009
- Messages
- 10,350
10. The Crusade of Cleve: Part B, 1010-1026
King Cleve knows his life's task. To spread his wisdom to every corner of the world.
His mind was originally set on the British Isles, but then arises an opportunity he cannot miss; Lotharingia is broken up in civil war, and this would hand over not only majority of Holland, but the Norse holy site in Zeeland.
Cleve, as befitting a master strategist, uses fast-loading longboats to intercept enemy forces before they converge. It's like hit and run, except it's by sea and it involves 15,000 men.
Meanwhile, Cleve is finally blessed with his first child. The first mark of a genetically superior child, of course, is a superior name. Kraka Clevedottir shall be the finest of wenches.
A normal human has the temerity to challenge King Cleve for a personal duel. There is no question of rejection!
King Cleve rides out confident of victory, axe upon axe...
...and apparently, Cleve's victory was so devastating nobody lived to tell the tale. (The event chain never ended, for some reason, but we assume no trace of the other man was left by the time Cleve was done with him.) Instead, Cleve receives disappointing news; Prince Multi-Headed Cow is plotting to overthrow him! Oh, Cow, don't you understand? It's Codexian tradition for the wenches to plot.
Nevertheless, Cleve is willing to be magnanimous. Cow is no threat for now, and he would like to keep the family together if at all possible. It's an age old instinct to stick with your tribe, you see.
Meanwhile, the invasion of Holland is a race against time. As expected, the rest of Europe has pledged support, and they may well arrive any moment. We must extract a surrender from filthy biblethumpers before more of their kin flock. It's just like hunting wolves, you see. Or vermin.
Good news is just part of Cleve's superior life. A son and successor is born. Cleve names him as he would like him to live; yes, he shall, in every sense... Prosper.
Young Prosper is clearly blessed with superior genes, and is able to speak as soon as he is out of the womb. That he stutters fearfully is just an endearing quirk.
Meanwhile, King Cleve cleaves six Germans in a single strike with his massive phallus sword. Tales of cleaving Cleve spread even to the Mediterranean.
And just in time, victory is ours!
A loyal Norse convert is granted the newest Jarldom of Norway - Holland.
We engage in some map painting by finishing off the Duke of Gelre. He is captured in battle as soon as the war starts, and surrenders within a week. He must be half French.
Another year, another wench. Cleve never goes dry.
As the army recuperates, Cleve turns his attention to internal affairs; specifically, ensuring that every Jarl is fully converted to the Norse faith. Shockingly, it is none other than Prince Cow that resists Cleve's generous offer for public conversion!
We condoned your traitorous plots, Cow, but not this.
Meanwhile, Cleve puts out another son. Cleve remembers that once, in the Codexian lineage, a boy named Skyway lived - and died, just before it was his time to lead Codexia to glory. As the second son, at least, perhaps he might live a full life.
No, not yet! I have so much to do!
It will take more than human diseases to defeat Cleve's superior genes.
The Norse faith is spreading nicely across Scandinavia, but not fast enough.
We duly return to the task of Religious Unity. Some subtle nods, hints and daggers inches away from his skull later, Prince Cow agrees that indeed, Cleve knows best.
Alright, guys. Beef's off the menu.
Cleve's reformed faith gives him the legal and technical means to enforce greater authority across his kingdom; he now has the justification to revoke titles of heathens.
This new power is tested on the last Jarl to stick to the old ways.
None can resist the authority of Cleve.
And now, we may finally return to the English Question. Our patience has paid off; the realm is embroiled in civil war. We pick the Duchy of Essex, among the largest and most prosperous, as our first target.
No sooner than our declaration are we met with an opportunist prick; Old Norse rebels.
Cleve diverts his army to take care of the heathens first...
....the reward for failure is death, dear pagan.
Our invasion of England is finally on track, and first it seems to go smoothly. A bucketload of Norse is poured all over London, and though the other biblethumpers pledge support, they don't seem all that eager at the moment.
If Prosper seems to have a fondness for manual evisceration, who are we to stop him?
Sadly, the biblethumpers seem to be loyal allies if nothing else; a coalition force equal to Cleve's own relieves London. The longer this goes on, the more manpower they will draw upon; there is nothing for it but a decisive confrontation.
But could it be? Cleve's elite skirmish retinue is the first to flee, beset by superior numbers of Catholic axemen! Cleve's star generals look on in disbelief; could their Superior King really deliver them a defeat?
The losses were even, but the consequences are dire.
As news of the setback reaches the Norwegian capital, the population is agog; how could King Cleve lose on the field of battle? And as worry fills the land, Prince Cow decides it is his time to strike. He issues an official proclamation denouncing Cleve's claims of genetic superiority, arguing that those are no more than mutations. He insists that he is the one and true heir to King Hiver.
The Jarls of Trondelag and Jamtaland stand with him; Trondelag in particular is a heavy blow, historically the largest provider of levies in the kingdom.
Meanwhile, Prosper decides he's not only cruel, but very kind. He doesn't seem to understand that this makes others view him as somewhat... unpredictable.
As Cleve's battered forces pull out to deal with the rebellion, they hear news that the English rebels have managed to dethrone the King; under the new usurper most of the land - including Essex - is reunited. Events have proven to King Cleve that the Catholic heartlands are no easy prize, and may well destroy unprepared invaders - as Jaesun had found out a century ago.
The rebellion, on the other hand, was just a matter of time.
The rebellious Jarls are rounded up for sentencing. King Cleve knows well that weakness is always taken advantage of. The Jarl of Trondelag is given a summary execution...
...as is the Jarl of Jamtaland. And what of Prince Cow? King Cleve seems to opt for leniency, assigning a term in prison for the traitor to serve. Yet that may not be the last we hear of Multi-Headed Cow.
News of King Cleve's retreat spread far and wide, and the Scottish King thinks he can take advantage of our weakness. Cleve shall show that where his genes are concerned, there is no weakness.
Most pleasingly, the small Kingdom of Jylland asks to support King Cleve in the defense of their faith! The aid is negligible, but this only serves to unite the Norse under King Cleve's spiritual leadership.
Sweden, too, flocks to our banner.
The day before Cleve leaves again for war, he visits heir Prosper and finds that he's taken to a filthy habit of paying all his servants equal amounts. Cleve explains to the foolish Prosper that money is a tool to leverage loyalty and services, not an instrument of socialist dumbfuckery, and that his 'servants' are in fact slaves and don't need to be paid at all. Cleve then executes a couple of his teachers for allowing the idiocy to infect his heir.
Meanwhile, Skyway doesn't seem to learn, no matter what you tell him. But he's just dense. What can I do?
With the support of loyal Norsemen, King Cleve wastes no time in devastating Scotland and reasserting his manhood.
In a great coup, he captures the King of Scotland in battle!
With this, Cleve's reputation will once again stand firm and erect.
Scotland is inherited by a half-grown wench, and the outcome of this war is inevitable.
Sweet, sweet moral authority.
Cleve returns to Norway to see how Prosper has taken his advice. Now he's taken to giving out money as he pleases, pointing out that money is just an illusion of society and means nothing anyway.
But Cleve has more on his mind than just education. To celebrate the Scottish victory - and to whitewash the British war - he calls a great blot.
All the while, the guests drink, nobody daring to speak, but all feverishly speculating. Soon, their anticipation is realised; it is none other than Prince Multi-Headed Cow that comes first for the blot sacrifice. You see, Cow, I understand now. The Codex is not about loyalty, about trust, about family. It is about who has the tenacity, the power, the determination, to crush those who oppose him without mercy, until they whimper and hide behind the Ignore List. Goodbye, Cow.
His holdings are inherited by a Codexian son, Jarl Hiver II.
And so, all the loose ends tied up, and Norway is strong and secure again. Cleve may not have conquered Yurop, but he did penetrate it, and leave it wet and groggy. He shall return, stronger and wiser. But for now, Cleve has hit the age of fifty, and it is time to hold a great ceremony to his greatness.
All shall know of Cleve's prowess in battle.
Even his enemies cannot deny the greatness of Cleve Blakemore.
And thus we reach A.D. 1026, the Norse faith growing steadily larger.
Next time, Cleve will risk all in the final part of his epic saga.
King Cleve knows his life's task. To spread his wisdom to every corner of the world.
His mind was originally set on the British Isles, but then arises an opportunity he cannot miss; Lotharingia is broken up in civil war, and this would hand over not only majority of Holland, but the Norse holy site in Zeeland.
Cleve, as befitting a master strategist, uses fast-loading longboats to intercept enemy forces before they converge. It's like hit and run, except it's by sea and it involves 15,000 men.
Meanwhile, Cleve is finally blessed with his first child. The first mark of a genetically superior child, of course, is a superior name. Kraka Clevedottir shall be the finest of wenches.
A normal human has the temerity to challenge King Cleve for a personal duel. There is no question of rejection!
King Cleve rides out confident of victory, axe upon axe...
...and apparently, Cleve's victory was so devastating nobody lived to tell the tale. (The event chain never ended, for some reason, but we assume no trace of the other man was left by the time Cleve was done with him.) Instead, Cleve receives disappointing news; Prince Multi-Headed Cow is plotting to overthrow him! Oh, Cow, don't you understand? It's Codexian tradition for the wenches to plot.
Nevertheless, Cleve is willing to be magnanimous. Cow is no threat for now, and he would like to keep the family together if at all possible. It's an age old instinct to stick with your tribe, you see.
Meanwhile, the invasion of Holland is a race against time. As expected, the rest of Europe has pledged support, and they may well arrive any moment. We must extract a surrender from filthy biblethumpers before more of their kin flock. It's just like hunting wolves, you see. Or vermin.
Good news is just part of Cleve's superior life. A son and successor is born. Cleve names him as he would like him to live; yes, he shall, in every sense... Prosper.
Young Prosper is clearly blessed with superior genes, and is able to speak as soon as he is out of the womb. That he stutters fearfully is just an endearing quirk.
Meanwhile, King Cleve cleaves six Germans in a single strike with his massive phallus sword. Tales of cleaving Cleve spread even to the Mediterranean.
And just in time, victory is ours!
A loyal Norse convert is granted the newest Jarldom of Norway - Holland.
We engage in some map painting by finishing off the Duke of Gelre. He is captured in battle as soon as the war starts, and surrenders within a week. He must be half French.
Another year, another wench. Cleve never goes dry.
As the army recuperates, Cleve turns his attention to internal affairs; specifically, ensuring that every Jarl is fully converted to the Norse faith. Shockingly, it is none other than Prince Cow that resists Cleve's generous offer for public conversion!
We condoned your traitorous plots, Cow, but not this.
Meanwhile, Cleve puts out another son. Cleve remembers that once, in the Codexian lineage, a boy named Skyway lived - and died, just before it was his time to lead Codexia to glory. As the second son, at least, perhaps he might live a full life.
No, not yet! I have so much to do!
It will take more than human diseases to defeat Cleve's superior genes.
The Norse faith is spreading nicely across Scandinavia, but not fast enough.
We duly return to the task of Religious Unity. Some subtle nods, hints and daggers inches away from his skull later, Prince Cow agrees that indeed, Cleve knows best.
Alright, guys. Beef's off the menu.
Cleve's reformed faith gives him the legal and technical means to enforce greater authority across his kingdom; he now has the justification to revoke titles of heathens.
This new power is tested on the last Jarl to stick to the old ways.
None can resist the authority of Cleve.
And now, we may finally return to the English Question. Our patience has paid off; the realm is embroiled in civil war. We pick the Duchy of Essex, among the largest and most prosperous, as our first target.
No sooner than our declaration are we met with an opportunist prick; Old Norse rebels.
Cleve diverts his army to take care of the heathens first...
....the reward for failure is death, dear pagan.
Our invasion of England is finally on track, and first it seems to go smoothly. A bucketload of Norse is poured all over London, and though the other biblethumpers pledge support, they don't seem all that eager at the moment.
If Prosper seems to have a fondness for manual evisceration, who are we to stop him?
Sadly, the biblethumpers seem to be loyal allies if nothing else; a coalition force equal to Cleve's own relieves London. The longer this goes on, the more manpower they will draw upon; there is nothing for it but a decisive confrontation.
But could it be? Cleve's elite skirmish retinue is the first to flee, beset by superior numbers of Catholic axemen! Cleve's star generals look on in disbelief; could their Superior King really deliver them a defeat?
The losses were even, but the consequences are dire.
As news of the setback reaches the Norwegian capital, the population is agog; how could King Cleve lose on the field of battle? And as worry fills the land, Prince Cow decides it is his time to strike. He issues an official proclamation denouncing Cleve's claims of genetic superiority, arguing that those are no more than mutations. He insists that he is the one and true heir to King Hiver.
The Jarls of Trondelag and Jamtaland stand with him; Trondelag in particular is a heavy blow, historically the largest provider of levies in the kingdom.
Meanwhile, Prosper decides he's not only cruel, but very kind. He doesn't seem to understand that this makes others view him as somewhat... unpredictable.
As Cleve's battered forces pull out to deal with the rebellion, they hear news that the English rebels have managed to dethrone the King; under the new usurper most of the land - including Essex - is reunited. Events have proven to King Cleve that the Catholic heartlands are no easy prize, and may well destroy unprepared invaders - as Jaesun had found out a century ago.
The rebellion, on the other hand, was just a matter of time.
The rebellious Jarls are rounded up for sentencing. King Cleve knows well that weakness is always taken advantage of. The Jarl of Trondelag is given a summary execution...
...as is the Jarl of Jamtaland. And what of Prince Cow? King Cleve seems to opt for leniency, assigning a term in prison for the traitor to serve. Yet that may not be the last we hear of Multi-Headed Cow.
News of King Cleve's retreat spread far and wide, and the Scottish King thinks he can take advantage of our weakness. Cleve shall show that where his genes are concerned, there is no weakness.
Most pleasingly, the small Kingdom of Jylland asks to support King Cleve in the defense of their faith! The aid is negligible, but this only serves to unite the Norse under King Cleve's spiritual leadership.
Sweden, too, flocks to our banner.
The day before Cleve leaves again for war, he visits heir Prosper and finds that he's taken to a filthy habit of paying all his servants equal amounts. Cleve explains to the foolish Prosper that money is a tool to leverage loyalty and services, not an instrument of socialist dumbfuckery, and that his 'servants' are in fact slaves and don't need to be paid at all. Cleve then executes a couple of his teachers for allowing the idiocy to infect his heir.
Meanwhile, Skyway doesn't seem to learn, no matter what you tell him. But he's just dense. What can I do?
With the support of loyal Norsemen, King Cleve wastes no time in devastating Scotland and reasserting his manhood.
In a great coup, he captures the King of Scotland in battle!
With this, Cleve's reputation will once again stand firm and erect.
Scotland is inherited by a half-grown wench, and the outcome of this war is inevitable.
Sweet, sweet moral authority.
Cleve returns to Norway to see how Prosper has taken his advice. Now he's taken to giving out money as he pleases, pointing out that money is just an illusion of society and means nothing anyway.
But Cleve has more on his mind than just education. To celebrate the Scottish victory - and to whitewash the British war - he calls a great blot.
All the while, the guests drink, nobody daring to speak, but all feverishly speculating. Soon, their anticipation is realised; it is none other than Prince Multi-Headed Cow that comes first for the blot sacrifice. You see, Cow, I understand now. The Codex is not about loyalty, about trust, about family. It is about who has the tenacity, the power, the determination, to crush those who oppose him without mercy, until they whimper and hide behind the Ignore List. Goodbye, Cow.
His holdings are inherited by a Codexian son, Jarl Hiver II.
And so, all the loose ends tied up, and Norway is strong and secure again. Cleve may not have conquered Yurop, but he did penetrate it, and leave it wet and groggy. He shall return, stronger and wiser. But for now, Cleve has hit the age of fifty, and it is time to hold a great ceremony to his greatness.
All shall know of Cleve's prowess in battle.
Even his enemies cannot deny the greatness of Cleve Blakemore.
And thus we reach A.D. 1026, the Norse faith growing steadily larger.
Next time, Cleve will risk all in the final part of his epic saga.
Is the Potato Slavic faith a reformed one, or still the old disorganised version?
baturinsky
Arcane
I had a habit to declare holy war on every single nation of same religion in area at once. Because they would gang up anyway.
Slavic holy places are scattered, making old faith hard to reform. Judging from the map it's impossible for slavs to do this.
AI is horrible in this regard anyway, the only religion occasionaly reforming under AI control is Tengrism.
Let us reach page 4 then
Yeah, mostly because Hungary tends to blob all over the steps.
Damn Hungarians.
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