Update 11: Even more fucking shit
Last update we dreamt about a confederacy of dumbasses. Now we're going to meet an even dumber confederacy of dumbasses. It's going to be brilliant. Let's do it!
Oh, the forests of Timber sure have changed!
We're SeeDs on a mission to help retarded freedom fighters overthrow some equally retarded dictator or something. Don't waste our fucking time.
Welcome to Timber, sir. Come with me, sir.
Meet Watts. He's very polite.
I hope Kiefer Sutherland drops by and murders him to death.
Also sudden scanlines appearance. This was when my computer died.
Meet the Forest Owls' moving base of operations. Looks like shit but the inside is even worse.
No, we're galbadian agents here to shut down your little operation. Senor Cockface here will handle any pets you might have.
Uh...
That was a joke.
Oh! ...ahahaha..
It wasn't a very funny joke. Why are you laughing?
Uh...
I'm Squall, the squad leader. This is Selphie. Zell you already know. If you got any pets he can still take care of them.
We don't know each other well enough for that, buddy.
Uh, okay.
So let's get on with it. What do we do?
Hey, man, just take it easy. Here, let me introduce you. This is Watts.
And he's Zone, sir!
Well, that was fast!
….
Oh! Right! The princess! Where's the princess, Watts?
Ah, man... Sorry, Squall, but could you like do us a quick favor and get the princess? She should be in her room. It's the
LAST ROOM. If you fail at navigating a straight line you can always ask some of our hired goons. They're in the
NEXT TO LAST ROOM.
Don't worry, sir, there's only two rooms in that entire hallway.
….Were we hired to run errands? Well?
A-Are you angry?
It's kind of strange that this is the first use of the facepalm of the game (or at least the first noticeable), but then again I suppose we haven't really come across stupidity on a level like this before.
Zone's thing is that his stomach acts up whenever he feels threatened, pretty much the same deal as with Laguna's penis. It's extremely funny. Come find me and watch me laugh my ass off.
CARDS: Watts is the proud owner of the Useless Dog card. Wrestle him for it as it's not nearly as useless as the dog itself.
Whatever, we head all the way to the end of the hallway and enter the princess's room.
...oh god no please...
So... does that mean... You're a SeeD!?
No, I'm a Galbadian-- eh fuck it, yes, I'm a SeeD. My name is Squall, the squad leader.
It's just that I'm so happy! I've been sending requests to Garden forever, but nothing... I'm so glad I spoke to Cid directly!
I knew it!
Huh?
WHORE!
Come on, Tifa, we're in the wrong game.
WHOOOORE!!! “SPOKE TO CID” MY ASS, YOU FUCKING WHORE!!
I'm sorry about this, Squall.
Wanna trade bitches?
Hahaha, fuck no!
Worth a shot. So, uh... you were looking for Cid at the party then?
Well... you know Seifer?
Yes..?
Well, he's the one who introduced me to Cid.
YOU DIRTY FUCKIN--
We're leaving!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!
...I'm no whore. Why is she calling me that?
Who knows? Maybe she's working for Spoony?
Who's Spoony?
My official cosplayer. He's got issues. Forget about him. So, you met Cid?
I really didn't think SeeD would come out to help a measly little group like us.
You're right, we wouldn't.
But after explaining our situation to him, Cid gave the go ahead right away! And now that you guys are here, we'll be able to carry out all kinds of plans!
…................looking forward to it.
You're looking a bit pale.
Oh, no, I'm just...... so goshdarned happy to be here!
Oh cool!
Yeah, so we should get back to the others, though. You know, set all these cool plans into motion and shit!
Alright. Yeah, we should. Uh...
What?
Who? Cid?
Seifer.
…. No, he's not a SeeD.
Oh. Alright then.
And after this awkvard piece of dialogue, Rinoa realizes that she probably should tell Squall her name.
Oh, I almost forgot! I'm Rinoa. Very pleased to meet you.
And even though we've tried to get out of here two times now.
SeeD members dance quite well, don't they?
Approach your target inconspiciously at a dance party... There may be missions requiring this sort of subterfuge. It's expected of SeeDs to learn various skills.
WHAT SUBTERFUGE?! WHAT APPROACH?! GODDAMNIT, SQUALL, YOU DIDN'T DO SHIT! FUCK YOU, SQUALL! (I still love you.)
Ohhh.... So it's work related. That's too bad.
A dog appears.
Partner? ...whatever. His name is Angelo. I probably should have named him Dogmeat but... meh. Contrary to what Rinoa is about to explain he's not hot shit at all. He can learn abilities from Pet Pals magazines. They're not worth giving a hoot about, but it's really easy to level him up so we'll do it anyway for the sake of nothing in particular.
Third time's the charm. Let's successfully leave the room. Don't forget the Pet Pals magazine on the bed.
Angelo is all like “You bitch, how dare you leave me here all alone?!” Well, fuck you, Angelo. She's my partner now if you get my drift.
This is Zell. He punches things. And this is Selphie. She... nunch-nuchak—fuck it, her favorite Turtle was Michelangelo.
I nunchuks things!
Whatever. That's my team. You can have them run errands or something while I take care of the important stuff.
Hi, everyone!
Heeeeey, isn't this that hottie you danced with, Squall?
Whoooooaaa...
Follow me, please.
What?
I wanted the first dance...
…
…
Is this going somewhere?
Apparently not, you fucking whore!
Oh dear.
This is a full-scale operation.
Where are the chairs?
We don't have any. Sorry. Anyway, our resistance, “The Forest Owls”, will be forever—
I'd like to sit down. What about that folding train couch thing? Is that a folding train couch thing? Can we unfold it?
No, it's glued to the wall. There's plenty of room on the floor. We will be forever known in the pages of Timber's independence! Exciting, huh?
Did someone free Timber from the tyranny of chairs or something?
….
….Can I sit on the boxes?
No.
What about the table?
We're using the table. Anyway...
Can't you just put away your toys for a second?
Look, it's the floor or nothing!
Was your mother sexually assaulted by a chair?
Give it up, Squall.
Touchy subject? I understand.
….
Oh hey, did I mention that Zone and Watts are YET ANOTHER COMIC RELIEF DUO? Well, they are so now you know.
He's a dictator, not a president. Not even popular in Galbadia, sir!
President Deling is taking a private train from the Galbadian capital. Our plan is to...
...blow it to smithereens with a rocket launcher!?
Ahh... not quite.
Well, get to the point then! Just tell us what to do!
Shall we begin?
We hadn't begun yet?
…You're going to be a real piece of work, aren't you?
A lot of women find that attractive. Gives them something to work with.
I don't think it's attractive.
Yes, you do.
In any case...
Model? What?
We can't afford computers and fancy powerpoint presentations so we had to go out and buy a model railroad set. We stayed up all night painting the little trains and setting up the railroad. Isn't it great?
I'm going to quit the Garden after this job.
Can I run away with you?
No.
Aww...
Wow, guys. Way to be professional!
Rocket launcher.
….
Well?
I am
so fucking wet right now.
Hey, stop screwing around. This is a pretty complicated operation!
Only because you're making it complicated. But whatever, I'll listen. Go ahead with the briefing.
Thank you. Alright, right now we're just waiting outside Timber for the Deling Express. The Deling Express is made out of a locomotive...
We understand the concept of a train, Rinoa.
Be quiet and listen to me. First comes the locomotive, then the first escort.
Huh.
Did you get that? The first escort.
Sure.
Good. Then after the first escort, it's the president's car and then there's the second escort. Our plan is to steal the president's car. With the president inside it.
Whoaaaaaaaaaaa... how do we do that?
We have an exact copy of the president car. We're going to switch the two.
Whoaaaaaaaaaaa... how do we do that?
Whoaaaaaaaaaaa... can we do this?
According to the simulation that we ran it should only take 3 minutes to complete the operation. Piece of cake for a SeeD, right?
What fucking simulation?
Uuuuurhghgh.... my stomach...
Fine. 3 minutes it is, no sweat.
Don't worry. You have seven minutes total.
That's four too many.
Alright then, let's talk about the escorts. Go ahead, Watts.
Yes, sir. The guards have a sound sensor and a temperature sensor, sir. Any sound will trigger the sound sensor so you have to move very quietly, sir. The blue guard carry this sensor, sir. The temperature sensor will go off you remain stationary, sir. The guard in red will carry this sensor, sir.
Wow. That sounds like the most advanced security ever.
Don't worry, sir. We have a save point!
Shit your pants.
That's Zone's thing, sir.
Shit. Your pants.
Right away, sir.
Let's talk about how to uncouple the escort cars.
I have a question!
No, you do not! Consider yourself overruled. Again!
Go ahead, Squall.
How the fuck do we uncouple the trains cars?
We can't.
Instead, we'll have to tamper with the control system that manages the coupling. There's a control panel on the outside of every car. We have to enter several codes.
I got the codes, sir!
…
Rinoa got the codes, sir!
I'll be in charge of relaying the codes to you, Squall.
Can't I just take them now?
That would be difficult. I mean, how many arms do you have?
So what, are you going to shout the codes to me?
Yes.
….......................................RIGHT.
Squall, you'll slide down on the side of the train using a cable and enter the codes into the system. Now, listen up, each code is made up of numbers between 1 – 4 and has 4 digits. But the keypad won't have numbers. Instead, it'll have four buttons. Let's call them X, Triangle, Circle and Square.
You'll have to be quick and precise. You only have five seconds to enter each code.
I only need three. Besides, I have save states.
Cheater.
It's not cheating if it's convenient.
Whatever. Do you want to practice entering the codes?
No.
Alright then. That's the briefing. Whew, that wasn't so bad.
By the way... this model's nice but the president's car looks kinda shabby. Why is that?
Which one? You mean the one Rinoa did? The red?
Rinoa made that one?
Yeah, we bought everything else at the store.
Man, the paint job sucks.
…. yeah, it kinda does.
Oh shut up! I made it look like that on purpose. It represents my hatred towards Deling.
Hatred, eh? Yeah, right...
It's one of the..... UGLIEST things that I've seen in my life! You must really hate him.
So it's quickly decided that Squall, Rinoa, Zell and Selphie will handle the mission. Watts and Zone will stay inside and do what they do best:
Gathering info is my speciality, sir!
Uuuuurghhh... my stomach!
Oh humor, how absolutely non-existant you are in japanese rpgs.
Before we do the mission, let's read some newspaper clippings. There are four (or three and one final, as the game puts it). The newspaper is called Anarchist Monthly. It'll provide some information on our target, President Deling, as well as foreshadow a couple things.
[Anarchist Monthly] First Issue!!!
Galbadia's dictator, President Vinzer Deling Special! How does he stay in power!? We reveal his darkest secrets!!!
I thought it would make more sense to save the actual, you know, article rather than just the front page, but hey, the fuck do I know?
[Anarchist Monthly] 2nd Issue!
President Deling became the president after the second Sorceress War ended. To gain support quickly, he carried out the invasion of Timber. It was only a ploy to decorate an already corrupt man's immoral career... Our land Timber was brutally destroyed. Here began Vinzer Deling's road to dictatorship.
I'm pretty sure the translation team fucked up here. Second issue, my ass, it should be second page! Whatever, two more pages to go.
[Anarchist Monthly] 3rd Issue!
To imprison anti-government symphatizers, the D-District Prison was built in the desert south of Deling City. Millions were spent to build the facility. The threat of being sent to the prison intensified Deling's unpopularity. The prison began imprisoning Galbadian anti-government symphatizers just as they did in Timber. Moreover, the leaders of the resistance movement faced the threat of having family members imprisoned as well. Around this time, Deling began surrounding himself only with loyalists, which turned him into an even more fierce dictator.
Sure. Whatever.
Also I guess it's not “Galbadia City” as I said in the previous update. Whatever, DELING CITY. Whatever.
Last one.
[Anarchist Monthly] Final Issue!!!
With the exception of Esthar, the Galbadian Military possesses the world's only long-range missiles. Although never used in combat, their existense has become a worldwide threat. It is said that the missiles have the ability to hit any target with astounding accuracy even without using radio signals. Will the time come for the president to push the button!? When the time comes, Ti...
The print is blurred on the last part.
I guess we better hope that button stays unpushed then. I'd definitely hate for a covert operation where we'd have to infiltrate a missile base and sabotage the fuck out of it. Yup, I'd definitely hate that.
Also: Esthar. Yup.
Well, one operation at a time. Let's do this train job thing. I'm sure it's going to be an exciting job.
TO BE CONTINUED!!