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SGLF: Let's Play Quest 64! (It's over baby,gimme some sugar)
- Thread starter Edward_R_Murrow
- Start date
Silellak
Cipher
Re: Page four for teh win!
Well played, sir. Well played.
Elzair said:
Well played, sir. Well played.
Edward_R_Murrow
Arcane
Here we go now.
Chapter 10: Deus Ex Disco
When we last left our hero, he had just layeth a beatdown upon the crazy mohawked king who shot lasers and slashed at Brian with a bubble-maker sword. Unfortunately, it was not the end. No. Not at all.
This, if you can believe it, is a door. Hopefully it leads out of here and into the credits....
Fuck.
Oh no....not Mammon! Wait...who's that again?
Well...at least they gave him sort of "adequate" buildup. And by adequate buildup I mean just a cursory thought about maybe doing a quarter-assed job of it.
Yes. Feel the power of the otherwise useless MacGuffins!
Go past the Stone Circle? Break through a barrier? Isn't that exactly what we did with the water place?
Also, does it seem just in the least bit stupid when you have all the MacGuffins that control whether or not the big, bad evil can get out of it's cage to open up said cage and go in?
This whole damn quest was for this? What sounds like a cheesy spiritual self-help book? Some sort of Celtland Dianetics? Though I guess when a little kid can do more than the entire world you're going to need some self-esteem boosters all around.
Check the awesome graphics of the "stone circle". Totally next-gen, eh?
Recycling art assets is totally next-gen too. SpeedMonastery anyone?
Welcome to Mammon's home, the Floating Monastery. It continues the proud tradition of shitacular dungeons in Quest 64. It's a bunch of long "corridors" spliced in with familiar areas from the game with a lighting effect applied over them. Because making new assets to copy and paste just wasn't enough.
This is what the majority of the "corridors" look like. It's like Escher's straight-laced, autistic brother designed them.
And more art asset reuse! But it's here supposedly to confuse and mislead you. Which would work if...you know...there was more than one exit.
And what Quest 64 dungeon drudge would be complete without some foozles to fuck...up?
This here is a Spriggan, one of the four types of creatures inhabiting Mammon's crib. The Spriggan is the water aligned one. It's also the shittiest. It has a weak melee attack, and the ability to silence you. Except it's silence attack has terrible accuracy, and it always shows up alone. So it basically gets beat up while trying to tell you to be quiet. I guess that makes it the demon equivalent of an inner-city librarian.
This is the Pinhead, a hairy serpent. It spits fireballs at you for heavy damage and has a melee attack where it twists into your head from above. Yeah...the hairy serpent called a Pinhead screws you. Fucking Japan. Though to be fair, some Western devs making kids games on the Nintendo 64 did much more blatant things. See Banjo Kazooie and all the innuendo present including quite a few "seamen" jokes and a flamboyantly gay character with a lisp and a limp wrist.
These horse demons are representin' wind, and are named after a Clint Eastwood movie, Pale Rider. Now, while this game is a little too shitty to respectfully reference Clint, at least they did put it on the most badass creature in the game in terms of stats. They're fast, take tons of damage, come in packs, an can dish out almost as much as the endboss with their attacks, sometimes more. They still look like shit though.
This is the earth demon, the Judgement. It has quite a few attacks, but pays for this in that it is the only enemy that can not move at all. This, combined with their weak ranged attacks makes them easy prey. Must be their enormously overgrown (over-chiseled?) ballsacks that weigh them down so much.
Hey look, it's that Epona woman, shattering the fourth wall like no other.
Also, how did you get here? Why didn't you just kill Mammon if you could get here?
And more art assets re-used. Not shown: the pirate ship, woods, and a few house interiors also re-used.
And now the end is nigh.
HORRIBLE WRITING ALERT!
Wow. If this were more popular some of it would be up there with All Your Base, What is a man?, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH *voice cracks* LIIIIIGHT!, I saw a mudcrab the other day, or [Intelligence] So you fight the Good Fight.
So.....
Apparently she's a puppet created by Mammon...who is in here. So he made her here, and then sent her out when he found out about your quest. Which means he did all of that within like 5 minutes and news travels really fast from Celtland to Mammon's extra-dimensional pad.
Also, he made her, yet she has one of the keys to his prison. In fact, she had both of them at once. Why didn't she just let Mammon loose?
Also why could Shannon be linked into Mammon's plans 24/7 yet Shilf had no idea what was up? Why?
And who actually stole the goddamn book in the first place?
What. The. Fuck?
UGH BRAINING IS UNSOFT!
Anyway, moving on.
Oooooh. King Mammon. Big shot, eh?
Also dig the old-school spelling of jail.
This is Mammon, complete with cliche-as-fuck villain laughter. Yeah, this is the big-boss of the game. A purple bug man with oversized arms and a tiny head. A reverse T-Rex, you could say.
Mammon has some issues from being locked up it seems. First he refers to himself as "we" then as "I". Nice.
Also, Epona locked you up, eh? Why couldn't she just do it again? Why is she letting a little kid fight some big, stupid demon?
Uhhhh....no.
Mammon: Archdevil of Redundancy .
Hard to act badass under Nintendo of America family-friendliness regulations huh?
LET'S DO THIS SHIT!
Magic missiles of burning death are one of Mammon's attacks. These pretty much hit you no matter what for around 40-50 damage total.
That is of course...if you aren't invulnerable due to Magic Barrier.
This is Mammon's disco-ball of plasma death. It always hits, you can't dodge it, and it deals heavy damage....unless you have Magic Barrier.
Rocks hurt Mammon a lot.
So a whole Avalanche of them are going to mess him up. See, the avalanche spell is a mid-level Earth spell that drops a lot of rocks from the sky. It's balanced by the fact that enemies are often much smaller than the gaps between the rocks and thus you're only likely to hit each enemy once, but for decent damage. But when you're as big as Mammon....
And this is Mammon's final attack, a very easy to dodge set of three fire walls. I, of course, don't care if I dodge it or not at this point because his ass is grass. Avalanche wrecks him.
POOF!
And it's finished.
Shittiest death throes ever.
I feel a shitty pseudo-philosophical diatribe coming up...
Nope. I would have left you dead bitch.
It's like....oh fuck it.
Thank goodness that's over with. Now time for the Epilogue and Credits.
Praise Cthulu. It crashed.
So I'll just jack the ending screens from somewhere else. They'll understand.....
Welp. That wraps things up. Let's check what the judges have to say on this LP.
The Iranian Judge:
Uhhhh...what's that mean?
The Cyberdyne Systems Judge:
Who said machines have no sense of humor?
The Cyrodiil Judge:
Cold.
The Vigoorian Judge:
Fuck you too Alma.
In the immortal words of Ryu Hayabusa..."Quest 64...go back to hell!"*
*Actual words may slightly differ.
Chapter 10: Deus Ex Disco
When we last left our hero, he had just layeth a beatdown upon the crazy mohawked king who shot lasers and slashed at Brian with a bubble-maker sword. Unfortunately, it was not the end. No. Not at all.
This, if you can believe it, is a door. Hopefully it leads out of here and into the credits....
Fuck.
Oh no....not Mammon! Wait...who's that again?
Well...at least they gave him sort of "adequate" buildup. And by adequate buildup I mean just a cursory thought about maybe doing a quarter-assed job of it.
Yes. Feel the power of the otherwise useless MacGuffins!
Go past the Stone Circle? Break through a barrier? Isn't that exactly what we did with the water place?
Also, does it seem just in the least bit stupid when you have all the MacGuffins that control whether or not the big, bad evil can get out of it's cage to open up said cage and go in?
This whole damn quest was for this? What sounds like a cheesy spiritual self-help book? Some sort of Celtland Dianetics? Though I guess when a little kid can do more than the entire world you're going to need some self-esteem boosters all around.
Check the awesome graphics of the "stone circle". Totally next-gen, eh?
Recycling art assets is totally next-gen too. SpeedMonastery anyone?
Welcome to Mammon's home, the Floating Monastery. It continues the proud tradition of shitacular dungeons in Quest 64. It's a bunch of long "corridors" spliced in with familiar areas from the game with a lighting effect applied over them. Because making new assets to copy and paste just wasn't enough.
This is what the majority of the "corridors" look like. It's like Escher's straight-laced, autistic brother designed them.
And more art asset reuse! But it's here supposedly to confuse and mislead you. Which would work if...you know...there was more than one exit.
And what Quest 64 dungeon drudge would be complete without some foozles to fuck...up?
This here is a Spriggan, one of the four types of creatures inhabiting Mammon's crib. The Spriggan is the water aligned one. It's also the shittiest. It has a weak melee attack, and the ability to silence you. Except it's silence attack has terrible accuracy, and it always shows up alone. So it basically gets beat up while trying to tell you to be quiet. I guess that makes it the demon equivalent of an inner-city librarian.
This is the Pinhead, a hairy serpent. It spits fireballs at you for heavy damage and has a melee attack where it twists into your head from above. Yeah...the hairy serpent called a Pinhead screws you. Fucking Japan. Though to be fair, some Western devs making kids games on the Nintendo 64 did much more blatant things. See Banjo Kazooie and all the innuendo present including quite a few "seamen" jokes and a flamboyantly gay character with a lisp and a limp wrist.
These horse demons are representin' wind, and are named after a Clint Eastwood movie, Pale Rider. Now, while this game is a little too shitty to respectfully reference Clint, at least they did put it on the most badass creature in the game in terms of stats. They're fast, take tons of damage, come in packs, an can dish out almost as much as the endboss with their attacks, sometimes more. They still look like shit though.
This is the earth demon, the Judgement. It has quite a few attacks, but pays for this in that it is the only enemy that can not move at all. This, combined with their weak ranged attacks makes them easy prey. Must be their enormously overgrown (over-chiseled?) ballsacks that weigh them down so much.
Hey look, it's that Epona woman, shattering the fourth wall like no other.
Also, how did you get here? Why didn't you just kill Mammon if you could get here?
And more art assets re-used. Not shown: the pirate ship, woods, and a few house interiors also re-used.
And now the end is nigh.
HORRIBLE WRITING ALERT!
Wow. If this were more popular some of it would be up there with All Your Base, What is a man?, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH *voice cracks* LIIIIIGHT!, I saw a mudcrab the other day, or [Intelligence] So you fight the Good Fight.
So.....
Apparently she's a puppet created by Mammon...who is in here. So he made her here, and then sent her out when he found out about your quest. Which means he did all of that within like 5 minutes and news travels really fast from Celtland to Mammon's extra-dimensional pad.
Also, he made her, yet she has one of the keys to his prison. In fact, she had both of them at once. Why didn't she just let Mammon loose?
Also why could Shannon be linked into Mammon's plans 24/7 yet Shilf had no idea what was up? Why?
And who actually stole the goddamn book in the first place?
What. The. Fuck?
UGH BRAINING IS UNSOFT!
Anyway, moving on.
Oooooh. King Mammon. Big shot, eh?
Also dig the old-school spelling of jail.
This is Mammon, complete with cliche-as-fuck villain laughter. Yeah, this is the big-boss of the game. A purple bug man with oversized arms and a tiny head. A reverse T-Rex, you could say.
Mammon has some issues from being locked up it seems. First he refers to himself as "we" then as "I". Nice.
Also, Epona locked you up, eh? Why couldn't she just do it again? Why is she letting a little kid fight some big, stupid demon?
Uhhhh....no.
Mammon: Archdevil of Redundancy .
Hard to act badass under Nintendo of America family-friendliness regulations huh?
LET'S DO THIS SHIT!
Magic missiles of burning death are one of Mammon's attacks. These pretty much hit you no matter what for around 40-50 damage total.
That is of course...if you aren't invulnerable due to Magic Barrier.
This is Mammon's disco-ball of plasma death. It always hits, you can't dodge it, and it deals heavy damage....unless you have Magic Barrier.
Rocks hurt Mammon a lot.
So a whole Avalanche of them are going to mess him up. See, the avalanche spell is a mid-level Earth spell that drops a lot of rocks from the sky. It's balanced by the fact that enemies are often much smaller than the gaps between the rocks and thus you're only likely to hit each enemy once, but for decent damage. But when you're as big as Mammon....
And this is Mammon's final attack, a very easy to dodge set of three fire walls. I, of course, don't care if I dodge it or not at this point because his ass is grass. Avalanche wrecks him.
POOF!
And it's finished.
Shittiest death throes ever.
I feel a shitty pseudo-philosophical diatribe coming up...
Nope. I would have left you dead bitch.
It's like....oh fuck it.
Thank goodness that's over with. Now time for the Epilogue and Credits.
Praise Cthulu. It crashed.
So I'll just jack the ending screens from somewhere else. They'll understand.....
Welp. That wraps things up. Let's check what the judges have to say on this LP.
The Iranian Judge:
Uhhhh...what's that mean?
The Cyberdyne Systems Judge:
Who said machines have no sense of humor?
The Cyrodiil Judge:
Cold.
The Vigoorian Judge:
Fuck you too Alma.
In the immortal words of Ryu Hayabusa..."Quest 64...go back to hell!"*
*Actual words may slightly differ.
Fat Dragon
Arbiter
That water pillar spell is probably one of the most offensive things I've ever seen, goddamn this game is fugly. Anyways, congrats on taking the lp to the end, playing this shit game must have been more difficult than Wizardry 4.
Demnogonis Saastuttaja
Magister
Edward_R_Murrow said:
And from the same developer, Conker's Bad Fur Day. I still can't believe they released something like that for the N64. And then re-released it for Xbawx and had it censored somewhat.
Andyman Messiah
Mr. Ed-ucated
Congrats, Eddy! It was a blast from start to finish. Well, maybe not a blast but more like a... half a blast. A bla from start to finish! Or maybe a st. A ST!! from start to finish. Or maybe that's a st from finish to start since it's st? I dunno. Congrats.
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