I should have chosen talking to the guard as the first thing I did after coming to the village but the path I took previously had less text - so it was less work for me. Being a lazy fuck I am I decided to do differently but now the time has come:
Good day.
Yeah.
BTW This guy is not the same who speaks to John Noty in the mansion but I'm to lazy too use different avatars for almost identical looking people.
Why are you standing here?
It's a question of gravitation.
Extremely funny joke. For a soldier.
I'm not a soldier, although I tried to be. I didn't pass the intell... the physical test. They ordered me to shoot at a thrown coin when jumping from the tree onto a horse.
Yep, that seems hard.
Special Forces ain't a piece of cake, you know.
I'm sorry you didn't make it.
Yeah, I missed the horse.
So... What are you doing now?
Wanna hear a funny answer?
Please don't bother.
All right, but you know, there's not much entertainment here. Sometimes I like to joke a bit. Or a byte, heh-heh.
Well then...
I'm guarding this place.
Wow. That's a surprise.
...And I'm told to kill ANYBODY who tries to get in.
What about the owner?
He's not just ANYBODY, you know.
I guess you won't let me in then?
Bingo.
Even if I say please?
No way kiddo.
PLEEEEASE.
Forget it. I've got a heart of stone.
Like your brain.
I don't follow.
Never mind. How can I soften your stone heart?
You can't. I'm a really tough guy. But come here, I'll give you a consolation...
Thanks, what is it?
Chocolate candy. My employer gave me a few of these for lunch and...
Is your employer home?!
Mr. John Noty? Yeah, why?
Oh, nothing... John Noty... I think I've heard of him...
You should have. He's making big money, you know. Especially lately...
Yeah?...
Well, I don't know how. Maybe it has something to do with the mad scientist that came round here one day... Oh, you think you're smart, don't you?! Are you a spy?!
Hey, I'm just a common homeboy. If you don't wanna talk, don't talk.
Mr. Bad Gay told me to watch for spies...
Err, who!?
Do I really look like a spy?
...And kill them immediately...
Hey, chill...
...And I haven't killed anybody for a loooong time...
It's about this candy, isn't it? Do you want it back? No problem.
Sorry, I just got carried away.
I understand. It's hot around here.
Yeah.
There's also a wrapper on the grass next to the guard.
We can try to wrap the candy but it seems we will have to do something more.
What next? Visiting one of the houses in the village.
Younger of the ladies is obviously more interesting for Mark but we'll chat with the granny first.
She knits in the national team.
Nice weather we have today...
Indeed it is, my dear.
Is it your daughter?
You are very kind, my dear, making me so young, but of course that sweetie is my grand-daughter.
Oh, yes! She really looks grand!
Well, I was once like that...
But you still are!
How sweet of you... But nobody sings at my window anymore, if you know what I mean.
Errr... Yes... I know... I have similiar feeling myself... Sometimes... I guess...
May I ask what are you doing?
Yes, you may, my dear.
What are you doing?
I'm knitting.
I understand. What are you knitting?
This time you didn't ask if you may ask.
Oh, sorry. May I ask?
Ask about what?
About what are you knitting.
You asked me about that before, didn't you?
I give up.
May I borrow this feather duster?
We don't know each other too well, and I don't lend things to anybody who asks for them.
Hey, just a while ago we were sweet, dear and kind for you, don't you remember? Old people and their memory...
Don't I look reliable?
I've said enough.
No feather duster for Mark so maybe he could get a fake apple?
Do you need that fake apple?
It depends, this apple has a story. I remember how one day my younger sister Mary was making...
Er, how long is the story?
Oh, there is no need to rush. We do have hours to talk, don't we?
I just realised I don't need that apple. Thanks.
Enough with her, let's use the fact we have high charisma and invested many points in speech. That should be sufficient to score with the girl who's sitting next to a mirror.
Could she be... the most beautiful girl... in the world?...
I think it's high time to introduce myself. I'm Mark.
Anne.
The moment I saw those eyes was the best moment of my entire life. Not counting the time I played doctor with Susie.
I really don't know how to talk to girls...
Ok, I have lied, charisma is a dump stat for Mark. Well, if we can't have her...
...nobody will!!! Muhahaha!!!
That's no good.
:evil:
We need to try different approach. And I was sure the idea was so good.
We find a squirell on a tree next to the path to the house where we took a chainsaw from
(geez, what kind of sentence was that?).
Hey, you!
Would you please give me that nut lying next to you?
The only response we get is:
Are you gonna give me that nut or not?!
All right. That's it. Now you'll get what you deserve. I'm gonna insult you until I get that nut. you ugly squirrel you.
Don't you know it is politically incorrect to wear a fur?
Finally she can take it no more and throws a nut into grass...
Thanks.
...but...
I won't find the nut just like that. The grass is too dense.
Whatever, we will find a way, there are more important matters to deal, like the hot chicks!
We will make a real love candy but it needs to have a better shape.
Would you like some candy?
You're nice, but no, thanks. I don't want to get fat.
Hey don't worry. Even Obelix has friends.
Who's Obelix?!
Er, never mind. It's just that I found this candy...
You FOUND IT?!
I found it's pretty hard to get, of course. It's not some cheap pseudo-chocolate, but the highest quality goodie! It's made from the things you can find in a natural environment. No preservatives added.
Oh, all right. If you insist...
Khm...
Oh yes, I think I should give you something in return...
Oh, no... You really don't have to...
OK. Your wish.
Well, on second thoughts...
I knew it. You boys always want something. You can't do anything for free.
I cleaned my room once.
Well... let's forget it. Here's a gift for you. It's my ribbon. Think of me sometimes.
Thanks. I will never wash it.
No sex scene. This game sucks, I'd better stop playing this shit and have some fun watching lesbians fucking in Mass Effect...
Nevermind, we need to get that nut. We can find a rake here:
As always, Mark hides it in his trousers.
Good I always asked mum for trousers with BIG pockets...
It's a perfect time to make some tests:
I wonder if hens can fly. Come here, baby...
First test failed.
They don't fly but we can take a dropped feather.
The last thing we need from here is a needle which can be found in a haystack.
The rake we obtained isn't in a condition that would allow to find a nut in the grass...
...but we can help it.
So much for Mark being a romantic. We can replace the fake apple with a nut (oh, really? what kind of logic is that?) but Mark has to be fast so neither Anne or granny will notice.
Ha! I'm even faster than Indy(TM)!
I've seen it all, boy!
Er... Uh... I just...
Don't worry. I hope you killed that fly.
What do we need an apple for? We don't but there's someone who need and he can give us something interesting.
Hey, little buddy! I've got a DECENT PROPOSAL for you. A big, fresh and juicy apple for this old cone which presses your back. If you want to make a deal, stand here and shake your muzzle.
Believe or not but just like the squirrel he also understands what Mark speaks so he shaked in agreement.
Life is brutal.
There's an interesting manhole just next to the fatso's mansion that we can't use at the moment because Mark is afraid to get close to a beehive. We can help by hitting the hive with a dart. How will we get a dart? That's simple:
needle + cone + feather + glue = dart
Meanwhile in the mansion...
Sir, some young boy tried to get inside the mansion.
Don't worry. Young boys are curious and my home plays on their imaginations. But keep an eye on him.
Yes, sir!