...
> Yeah, I know you love a drive.
Sorry about all this walking.
...
I do too, usually.
> The wind in your ears. Yeah, I saw you back there, Blue!
SHANNON: I don't think the Zero operates like the roads we're used to. I don't understand it either.
So, what is this place?
SHANNON: Yeah, an office building in a cathedral.
This is weird, but ... do you think we're inside or outside right now?
Inside.
Outside.
> Both.
SHANNON: Ha. OK. Very poetic.
Well, maybe someone around here has a better sense of direction ...
We can also examine the barrier nearby.
SHANNON: End of the line?
> Seems that way.
Maybe it's still under construction.
SHANNON: Not for us, I hope.
MARY ANN: I'm actually pretty busy, but ... sure, what's up?
> SHANNON: Can you be both inside and outside at the same time?
CONWAY: Oh, it's nothing -- just a joke we had on the road.
MARY ANN: Wow, OK. Um. Is that, like, a philosophy thing? Or are you just lost?
SHANNON: Yeah, I guess it is a bit philosophical.
> CONWAY: We're just lost.
MARY ANN: You're lost. So you're not the ... sorry, honest mistake.
What are you celebrating?
> What do the boys from the distillery look like?
What is this place?
MARY ANN: You've never seen the boys from Hard Times? Well, count your blessings. They cut a grim profile.
Well, it's clear you're new to this territory. I expect you just mean to be passing through.
> CONWAY: We're looking for Dogwood Drive, do you know where that is?
SHANNON: That's the idea.
MARY ANN: Dogwood ... nope.
You're going to need to talk to someone upstairs about that. One of the map clerks. But first we've got to get you in the system, so you'll need an appointment with one of the ingestion clerks. Now, let's see ...
Rick is booked proofreading drafts all afternoon, and Wanda's out on a site ... Hmm ... Let me go make some calls and see if we have anyone free. There are some books over there in the waiting area. Or just take a look around.
Have you seen our grotesques?
We take a look around.
And then come back to Mary Ann.
MARY ANN: Oh, good. I thought you'd left. People can be so impatient; you never know.
The elevator is just back to the left there. Fifth floor.
All this talk about ingestion worries me, I admit.
And this must be the books Mary Ann was talking about.
(Three books are piled on the table: a service manual for a sewage pump, some architectural plans for a bungalow, and a slim collection of Japanese death haiku. An envelope is protruding from the bottom of the stack.)
> (Conway picks up the envelope.)
(Conway leaves the books.)
(The envelope reads BUREAU of SECRET TOURISM. It contains several small, handwritten brochures with ritualistic directions to bizarre locations.)
Mysterious.
Anyway, we take the elevator.
SHANNON: She's on the fifth floor, right?
Let's rather explore the floors one by one.
First floor.
RICK: Oh, no, she's much too busy. Let's get some of our junior clerks to sort your paperwork first, so we don't waste any of Ms. Chamberlain's time.
It's a pretty straightforward process. First, you'll need to get a case number assigned. Talk to Clerk Metzstein about that. She's just over there at the end of the room.
Happy to help!
Clerk Metzstein, you say?
CLERK METZSTEIN: Oh ... my sheet has give address boxes, and it says to fill everything out ...
Maybe if you fill out a "transient" sub-sheet, we can still get it processed. Go talk to Clerk Böhm and he'll get you set up with one.
Clerk Böhm is just over there in the corner. Happy to help.
Uh, okay?
CLERK BÖHM: Howdy. Here for a transient sheet? No problem.
(He rummages through some papers on his desk.)
... happy to help.
(He opens a few folders and quickly closes them.)
Um. Looks like I'm out, but I know there are some back in the archive. You'll have to put in a special request with Clerk MacMillan. She's the documents czar.
Straight back at the end of the office there, by the file cabinet.
OK.
CLERK MACMILLAN: Documents request?
> CONWAY: One "transient sub-sheet," please.
SHANNON: This is absurd. Where's Lula?
CLERK MACMILLAN: Happy to help. Please just put your requisition form in the inbox and I'll get to it as soon as possible.
> CONWAY: Requisition form?
SHANNON: This is absurd. Where's Lula?
CLERK MACMILLAN: Yes. You don't have one? Shouldn't be a problem: they're quite easy to fill out. Just ask Clerk Metzstein and she'll get you sorted.
CLERK METZSTEIN: Requisition form. No problem. I'll just need your ingestion card to mark it "outgoing" in my logbook.
Okay, I think that's enough of this.
CONWAY: I don't have an ingestion card yet.
> SHANNON: We're done here. Can you point us to Lula?
CLERK METZSTEIN: Oh, sure. That's her in the cardigan.
Wasn't she supposed to be on the fifth floor?
LULA: Having fun in the paperclip labyrinth? Well, you made it eventually.
LULA: This concrete bunker of an office is just a waypoint for you, I'm sure. Where is it you're trying to go?
> We're looking for "5 Dogwood Drive."
We're having trouble navigating the Zero.
But that Dogwood was a surface road. With a name like that, it would have to be. What are you doing on the Zero?
A "surface road?"
Oh well, whatever.
CONWAY: A gas station attendant told us we'd need to take the Zero to get there.
> SHANNON: My cousin, Weaver, sent us this way.
LULA: She came through here as an intern. One of my old colleagues must have referred her ... do you know, I never asked?
Anyway, there's not much challenging work here ... much less for a gifted mathematician. She helped translate some notes on architectural plans I picked up in Mexico. She was very bored. We used to sit on the steps by the river, on our lunch break, and talk about geometry.
I hope she wasn't in trouble. I lost touch with her so suddenly. I had recommended she go see some old friends of mine at the university about a new acoustic surveying venture. I often worry she became wrapped up in some tenured professor's quixotic research project. You know the type: gray-haired, intellectual, narcissistic ...
Well, that is ...
LULA: No, it's not possible.
The "Dogwood Drive" I lived on is now called "Pale Dogwood Drive." They've renamed all the streets, you see. Too many streets with the same names. It was never a problem before, but now we have these databases, and it's all too confusing for the computer.
The computer has no sense of ambiguity, so it proclaims an error. "Name collisions," they call them.
So my "Dogwood Drive," is "Pale Dogwood Drive," and another might be "Large-leafed Dogwood Drive," or "Himalayan Flowering Dogwood Drive," and so on. But one of them is still just "Dogwood Drive." Or so we might hope?
It's really a matter of consulting records, of which we have an abundance here ...
> Do you have a record of those streets?
Where's the computer?
You've been a great help, Lula.
But let's visit the second floor first.
This is a conference room. Nothing to interact with here.
Third floor it is, then.
Bears?
Bears indeed.
Let's see what's up there on the fifth floor before we visit the archives.
(GREG is hard at work examining some diagrams, measuring angles with a plastic protractor and occasionally scribbling numbers in a small leather notebook.)
GREG: Can I help you? Don't answer that.
I'm extremely busy with these charts. Maybe one of the clerks on the first floor can help you. They're probably just looking at cat pictures.
Alright, fourth floor: Archives and Records, then.
SHANNON: Damn, this place is a mess. OK.
Hmm ... take a look through that logbook, I guess? Maybe there's some kind of system to all these boxes. I'll just start digging.
NOTE IN LOGBOOK: Document staff: please do not transfer any more records from the storage unit until we get the new file cabinets in. We're up to F, and that will have to do for now.
> Page 1.
(Several documents relating to sporting competition venues were quickly checked out and back in over a period of a few days: basketball courts, baseball fields, alleys, and parking lots.)
> Page 14.
(A single set of documents relating to coal mining operations was checked out and back in by several different people within a few hours.)
> Inside back cover.
NOTE IN LOGBOOK: "Failing antique shops" folder missing? Listed checked in on pg. 63, but not present.
> Page 63.
LOGBOOK: Check-in: Failing antique shops. Monday 3 pm. Signee: Ed Bohm.
> Put the logbook away.
SHANNON: Nothing? Me neither. Half of these boxes aren't even labeled, and the rest are all from the first few letters of the alphabet. I couldn't find anything with an "O" or a "G" or an "S."
Maybe that clerk knows somewhere else we can look.
Maybe!
You see, we've only moved into this new venue somewhat recently, and it's all a bit in-progress. This was a cathedral not so long ago, can you believe it?
That's where you'll find the street name records, I expect. At the church. Mary Ann at reception can give you directions. Just come back here when you have the files, and we'll begin the necessary paperwork to have the information analyzed.
Oh, and while you're out on the road, you might want to stop and see Dr. Truman about your leg. He's a specialist regarding ailments of the joints and limbs, and I know he works at night. His home office is in a small neighborhood on the east edge of Bowling Green.
Here's his card. Do stop and see him. That leg is a miserable sight.
Take care of each other.
Oh-kay. We go back to Mary Ann.
MARY ANN: Just another office, lady. Just another job.
> SHANNON: But you kicked out a congregation to set up your office?
CONWAY: Lula said you could direct us to the church?
MARY ANN: I wasn't here for that. But, yeah, I get where you're coming from. Still, I wouldn't judge until I'd seen everything. They've got a new church now, the Bureau set it up for them out of some of their old storage space. I'm sure it's very nice.
Go see it for yourself.
Just get back on the Zero and drive until you hit the Crystal. Then turn around.
It'll make sense once you get on the road. You can handle it.
If you say so, Mary Ann.
Next time: we'll do just that.