Lemming42
Arcane
I've been playing a lot of older FPS games recently so why not play a Vastly Superior modern FPS?
I ignored this game when it came out because I thought Bioshock 1 was absolute shit. I saw Infinite on sale for like £5 on Steam during summer and bought it, then immediately forgot about it and never installed it. I noticed it on my Steam list this morning and, after a bullshit 18~ GB download, it's ready to play. Here we go.
Warning: glorious 1920x1080 screenshots to follow.
Before we even get to the main menu, I get some screen that tells me to adjust the brightness with a reference image. Fair enough. I adjust it exactly as it says to, and then-
Boom, shitload of bloom right in my goddamn face. No way is this the correct brightness.
I'm playing it on hard, because I don't fuck around.
Good intro. Guess we play as a guy called Booker, who will from here onwards be known only as Fucker.
We begin on a boat where I am paralysed and can move only my head. I take a look around at the crap wave effects. In front of us, two dorks are talking.
The woman in front gives Fucker a box which has a gun and some other shit in it.
3 hours later we disembark and go up onto some dock thing. The FOV feels wrong, but I can't be bothered adjusting it. There's only one way to go, so we proceed up the stairs to the lighthouse.
Inside and up the stairs, we find a sinister warning!!!! Fucker exclaims.
The game also tells me that I can pick up money and useful things in boxes. In pretty much every container is either money, food or both, so I move through the lighthouse chaotically devouring and/or collecting everything in my path.
There's some bells at the top of the lighthouse. Before I even have a chance to look at the fucking things, Fucker produces the solution to the puzzle. I didn't even press anything, he just got the card out and shoved it in my face. Puzzles are for gay nerds, I guess, it's way cooler to have the solution literally handed to you. Anyway, we ring the bells in the order on the card.
Doing so causes an Oblivion gate to open. In the chaos, I rush to a nearby barrel and cram cereal into my face.
After about 60 years, the lighthouse door opens and a chair comes up from the floor.
Just in case you're finding the game too challenging at this point, Fucker suggests a course of action.
Fucker sits in the chair and gets owned as bindings appear and a rocket constructs itself around him, his head inexplicably turning 360 degrees to take it all in. His gay cavalry pistol falls into the engines below, and the chair tilts forward so Fucker can see, just to taunt him.
We take off into the completely featureless sky, and Fucker hyperventilates and cries.
Skyworld, yay. We're forced to sit and watch the boring sights of the city go by from a crappy little capsule. Sound familiar?
Look at that bloom, too! Remember back in the day when people thought Half Life 2 had excessive bloom?
The ride goes on for a little while, and at the end of it I get an achievement. No, really, I got an achievement for walking up a linear path to a lighthouse, sitting in a chair and watching a cutscene.
Fucker descends into some vaguely steampunk-esque place. There's a godray effect which is cool at first, but pushed way past it's limit and ends up looking retarded.
Have you come seeking the light?
Here's a book that I can't read or do anything with. Let's try tapping N to see what kind of hints it gives us.
I actually laughed at this. A huge green arrow shoots forward telling you precisely where to go. I guess we can guarantee that there will, at no point whatsoever in this game, be any kind of challenge in finding where to go.
Voice logs!!! It's like I'm really playing System Shock!
More horrific bloom, although admittedly it'd make a half-decent wallpaper. There's a big room ahead with lots of prayer lanes, but I can't move outside the one I'm already on for some reason.
A dumbass blocks the path. I try to squeeze past him, but an invisible wall stops me.
We are offered a baptism, which we must accept. Have a look at the crowd, rougly the same character model with slight alterations is used about 5 times.
Fucker almost drowns, and then the priest forces him back down again for a laugh. Fucker passes out after approximately 8 seconds underwater, holding the record for possible the shittiest breath-holding time ever.
We now cut to the office of Private Investigator Sam Spade, on the hunt for the Maltese Falcon.
Some dudes outside are demanding that Fucker hand over "the girl". Fucker refuses.
Opening the door reveals this. You go ahead and explain it, I dunno what's going on.
Fucker awakens to find some weird statue things leering at him.
We're in the city now, I guess. Seems like a good point to end the first part of this probably-failed LP.
I ignored this game when it came out because I thought Bioshock 1 was absolute shit. I saw Infinite on sale for like £5 on Steam during summer and bought it, then immediately forgot about it and never installed it. I noticed it on my Steam list this morning and, after a bullshit 18~ GB download, it's ready to play. Here we go.
Warning: glorious 1920x1080 screenshots to follow.
Before we even get to the main menu, I get some screen that tells me to adjust the brightness with a reference image. Fair enough. I adjust it exactly as it says to, and then-
Boom, shitload of bloom right in my goddamn face. No way is this the correct brightness.
I'm playing it on hard, because I don't fuck around.
Good intro. Guess we play as a guy called Booker, who will from here onwards be known only as Fucker.
We begin on a boat where I am paralysed and can move only my head. I take a look around at the crap wave effects. In front of us, two dorks are talking.
The woman in front gives Fucker a box which has a gun and some other shit in it.
3 hours later we disembark and go up onto some dock thing. The FOV feels wrong, but I can't be bothered adjusting it. There's only one way to go, so we proceed up the stairs to the lighthouse.
Inside and up the stairs, we find a sinister warning!!!! Fucker exclaims.
The game also tells me that I can pick up money and useful things in boxes. In pretty much every container is either money, food or both, so I move through the lighthouse chaotically devouring and/or collecting everything in my path.
There's some bells at the top of the lighthouse. Before I even have a chance to look at the fucking things, Fucker produces the solution to the puzzle. I didn't even press anything, he just got the card out and shoved it in my face. Puzzles are for gay nerds, I guess, it's way cooler to have the solution literally handed to you. Anyway, we ring the bells in the order on the card.
Doing so causes an Oblivion gate to open. In the chaos, I rush to a nearby barrel and cram cereal into my face.
After about 60 years, the lighthouse door opens and a chair comes up from the floor.
Just in case you're finding the game too challenging at this point, Fucker suggests a course of action.
Fucker sits in the chair and gets owned as bindings appear and a rocket constructs itself around him, his head inexplicably turning 360 degrees to take it all in. His gay cavalry pistol falls into the engines below, and the chair tilts forward so Fucker can see, just to taunt him.
We take off into the completely featureless sky, and Fucker hyperventilates and cries.
Skyworld, yay. We're forced to sit and watch the boring sights of the city go by from a crappy little capsule. Sound familiar?
Look at that bloom, too! Remember back in the day when people thought Half Life 2 had excessive bloom?
The ride goes on for a little while, and at the end of it I get an achievement. No, really, I got an achievement for walking up a linear path to a lighthouse, sitting in a chair and watching a cutscene.
Fucker descends into some vaguely steampunk-esque place. There's a godray effect which is cool at first, but pushed way past it's limit and ends up looking retarded.
Have you come seeking the light?
Here's a book that I can't read or do anything with. Let's try tapping N to see what kind of hints it gives us.
I actually laughed at this. A huge green arrow shoots forward telling you precisely where to go. I guess we can guarantee that there will, at no point whatsoever in this game, be any kind of challenge in finding where to go.
Voice logs!!! It's like I'm really playing System Shock!
More horrific bloom, although admittedly it'd make a half-decent wallpaper. There's a big room ahead with lots of prayer lanes, but I can't move outside the one I'm already on for some reason.
A dumbass blocks the path. I try to squeeze past him, but an invisible wall stops me.
We are offered a baptism, which we must accept. Have a look at the crowd, rougly the same character model with slight alterations is used about 5 times.
Fucker almost drowns, and then the priest forces him back down again for a laugh. Fucker passes out after approximately 8 seconds underwater, holding the record for possible the shittiest breath-holding time ever.
We now cut to the office of Private Investigator Sam Spade, on the hunt for the Maltese Falcon.
Some dudes outside are demanding that Fucker hand over "the girl". Fucker refuses.
Opening the door reveals this. You go ahead and explain it, I dunno what's going on.
Fucker awakens to find some weird statue things leering at him.
We're in the city now, I guess. Seems like a good point to end the first part of this probably-failed LP.