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Hey guys. I just wanted you all to know that I've been dead for a while so I couldn't update the thread. I fell asleep in the water trough after eating some brown hay and when I woke up they had already made spicy chorizos out of me! I'm just lucky they left my head and tongue intact so I could tell you about this. The update that I promised like eleven years ago will have to wait while I round up everyone that might have eaten my body.
Previously on Final Fantasy 7 we were reminded about why Cid is the best character in the game. Now join me as I travel around the world in his airship and do stuff!
We start out straight above the Junon complex that we just escaped from.
Just shrug and fly away. That's what Cloud Farrell would have done! Anyway, here's our to-do-list for today's world tour:
1: Fort Condor (last optional battle, get three remelixirs or something i don't care)
2: Elemental materia from Tifa's piano in Nibelheim (if you played it in the flashback fucking ages ago)
3: Shit loot from behind the item shop counter in Cosmo Canyon.
4: P. much the same but in Rocket Town.
5: Cactus Island is a great place to level up if you suck.
6: Useless enemy skill materia from green chocobo at chocobo sage's place OH GOD
7: Not find Cloud.
I'm not grabbing pictures for any of that shit. Instead, this update will focus on 8: prelude to chocobo breeding; the unedible chocobo breeding part wherein I
plants the seeds necessary to
actually eventually
gameshark like an asshole and
get a gold chocobo!!! Feathery penises will soon enter feathery vaginas, oh yes.
But for starters, if you don't know anything about breeding chocobos, and can't be bothered to just look it up on Gamefaqs like I did, then you need to visit The Chocobo Sage! He lives just next-door to The Promised Land on the ice continent.
Now let me tell you something before we start. This guy is not just some random motherfucker, he's THE mother of fuckers. I hate him and wish Tifa could just fucking punch his dick off and feed it to one of the rabid rabbits outside. No such luck though.
His funny gimmick is that he forgets stuff every five seconds or so meaning that, if you want his valuable information, you gotta go outside, fight a couple of battles and then come back inside and hope you fought enough battles that the old fucker recalled what he was talking about. I'm going to recommend that you just look all this shit up on gamefaqs instead but seeing as this is the bestest, most greatest and absolutely awesomest completionist let's play there is I will show you the whole enchilada. Let's roll, motherfucker!
To begin with he doesn't know who the fuck he is and I suppose Tifa isn't one to guess what a senile old hippie living alone with a green chocobo is supposed to be. Luckily he actually do remember that he's The Chocobo Sage after a bit of talking but that was just a fucking frisbee! Let's ask him about his companion, the green chocobo.
Shit. Alright, let's go outside and beat up a couple rabbits.
Four battles later.
Intelligent readers will most likely have figured out that The Chocobo Sage is here to inform you about the different types of chocobos and how to get them. Again, go to gamefaqs instead. Anyway, when Tifa asks where she can find a mountain chocobo, the old fart replies that there are none. Tifa, being top heavy in more than one place, is quick to point out that the old fucker of mothers have one in his fucking stable WHICH NATURALLY COMES AS A SURPRISE FOR HIM!
Fuck. Let's go grind some more!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple of battles later.
YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Yeah, just run. If you have a fucking enemy lure materia fucking equip it. If you have a gameshark then cheat so you have sixteen of them or something I HATE THIS SHIT AND WE'VE BARELY STARTED!!!!!!!!!!
Btw, I dumped Windows Vista. She was getting a little bit too needy, y'know.
Aaaaaaanyway...
He informs us that a river chocobo is a combination of a good and a great chocobo on a diet consisting of carob nuts! That's great info, dude, but where can we find good and great chocobos and where are these nuts at?
Shouldn't we be looking for Cloud?
No, it's a lot more productive to run around in circles and accomplish nothing.
Okay.
A FEW BATTLES LATER!
He also informs us that
Oh fuck you.
LATER BATTLES FEW A!
Alright, what do you get when you mix a mountain with a river?
Spectacular. Anything else?
Where's the fuck did I put that rope?!
CAPS LOCK!
Alright, you were saying?
I WANT TO DIE.
Alright, you were saying?
Yes?
....
OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU YOU SENILE OLD COCK!!!
One rabbit holocaust later.
Yes yes yes?
Yes yes yes yes yes yes I'll just go out and kill more stuff okay?
Fantastic.
LATER STUFF OF KILLING MORE.
Can only be gotten by using a gameshark. Fuck you, old man. I'm outta here.
And that's the Chocobo Sage! Give him a handgrenade.
Wait, I want to know where I can get some of those nuts!
Fuck you, Tifa. I'm outta here!
But, but...
NO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I REFUSE TO PLAY THIS SICK OLD MAN'S GAMES ANYMORE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND, TIFA?! I REFUSE, ALRIGHT!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THA--
Hello!
Al Wright?!!
That's me, alright!
Perfect timing! Can you show this young lady how to get some nuts?
Why... yes, yes I can!
Excellent! Well, I'm off to off to myself. See you later.
Bye!
Alright, give me your hand and I'll place two nuts in--
Hey, CS-man! Will a blood sacrifice refresh your memory?
Oh my yes!
Excellent!
Wait, what?
THREE SUDDEN SCREAMS OF BLOODLETTING LATER!!
Alright, now where the fuck are those nuts?
Excellent! Anything else?
I think...
Excellent! I'm outta here!
But... where is my beard? Hmmm....
No idea, I'm outta here!
And so am I! I finally escaped Final Fantasy 7 and am now very much dead! Hahaha! I sure showed that game!
TO BE CONTINUED!
In the next update I resurrect briefly to help Tifa find Cloud, and Cid is temporarily appointed the leader of our favorite world saving party of misfits and idiots! See you all then!
Since I always talk about it here, I guess I should inform you all that it appears that Miracleman has been acquired by Marvel, reprints are underway, and they're negotiating with Gaiman and Buckingham about finishing the story.
Since I always talk about it here, I guess I should inform you all that it appears that Miracleman has been acquired by Marvel, reprints are underway, and they're negotiating with Gaiman and Buckingham about finishing the story.