I'm drunk, I'm feeling miserable, I've played the fuck out of Fallout 3, let's get this shit outta the fucking way.
Alright, welcome to Cosmo Canyon. I wish I'd be entering Christy Canyon instead.
Yeah, so this is some kind of spritual center where all sorts of people gather to find their ways and shit. Originally it was home to the red flaming tigertail tigers but they're all dead now or in hiding or something because you don't see any of them ever in the game until right at the end, I think. I have no idea. I don't care. I don't care.
*sigh*
Cosmo Canyon is a whole town advocating enviromental protection. This is where everyone's favorite freedom fighters and reactor blower uppers Avalanche was founded. This is where Greenpeace would hang out. This is where eagles come to shed a single tear in the name of the freedom they enjoy thanks to the peace loving bums at Cosmo Canyon. Needless to say, Cosmo Canyon is a big fucking deal if you're on a quest to save the world, which is about the only reason I can tolerate Cosmo Canyon: "because you gotta."
That and several shots of tequila. Moving on...
Even more *sigh*
What kind of fucking name is Bugenhagen?
Good you asked, Cloud! Johannes Bugenhagen was a german, slightly polish dude who helped Luther with the whole protest reforming bit. Kind of an all-around cool dude from what I read in school.
Does Johannes Bugenhagen have anything to do with Final Fantasy 7 Bugenhagen?
No. They just thought his name would fit a strange old man living in an observatory.
Of course, who wouldn't?
Shit, he ran off! Oh well, I suppose we don't have to stay here and bid him farewell and stuff. Aeris! Prep the buggy!
What the hell, woman! Don't stand in my way and talk nonsense! We have a crazy planet-enslaving albino necromancer samurai to find and kill!
No, we have to check this place out first.
Oh, okay.
Choice and consequence time! If you answer YES then he'll say you're stupid. If you answer NO, on the other hand...
Alright, what a shame. I guess we should go then.
They helped me when I was on the road. Please let them in.
:COCKS: You're a friend of Nanaki?!
I have never seen that tiger before in my entire li... OW!
Yes, he's a friend of ours.
..traitor!
:COCKS: Really?
...
:COCKS: UMMGAH!!!
What?
:COCKS: Please enter! UMMGAH! A FRIEND OF NANAKI IS A FRIEND OF COSMO CANYON!!
Uh, okay.
:COCKS: UMMGAH!!!!!!
So where's the casino?
:COCKS: What?
Cloud!
Uh, I mean...
:COCKS: What kind of friends are you? You've travelled with him since you left Midgar and you're asking ME who he is?
Uh, he never talks about himself in the cutscenes.
Like we normal people do. :D
:COCKS: Nanaki is a tiger.
That's all?
:COCKS: He was born here.
Sounds good to me. We don't all need mysterious pasts to be interesting characters.
I'm a little disappointed.
I'm sure we'll get to know Nanaki's terrible past pretty soon. This whole place reeks.
Of fish?!
Of plot.
Oh.
Sure. Get Barret and the others. Looks like we're going to stay a while here.
Alrighto, Cloudy! What are you going to do?
I'm going to kill Nanaki.
Alright. Have fun.
Alright, before we do anything. We have a Turtles poster to check out in one of the shops. Do this and we won't have a problem later on.
So don't even think about doing anything to me! See that sniper up there in the tower? He's watching you, buddy.
Right. I'm sorry I threw you tailfirst out of the buggy.
Good. Now please listen to my boring backstory.
Please tell me you're done.
I'm done.
Good.
But my grandpa isn't!
Your... grandpa..?
Oh no...
This will only end in tears.
A mad man lives here.
Bugen Bugenhagen?
What's the meaning of life?
He's not into mathematics.
Is he into being an old douchebag?
I can take care of myself.
You can? You look a little... inexperienced.
METAL GEAR?!!
Well yes, that or just very emo.
Heh! Says you...
Tigers get fucking huge, don't they? I should have known.
Well, you can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I want to grow up to be able to protect you and the village.
Ho Ho Hoooo. No Nanaki. You can't stand on your own yet. To do that now would destroy you in the long run.
Nngh!!
Don't look now, Nanaki, but I think your grandpa is trying to give us a really subtle table dance.
Right.
Please tell me you're done.
Can you help us in any way that doesn't require us going inside a dark, scary dungeon deep within the Cosmo Mountains to fight some ancient monsters you long ago made a pact to not deal with until you saw a group of heroes enter town?
Oh shit.
TO BE CONTINUED!!
IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF LET'S SUFFER THROUGH FINAL FANTASY SEVEN:
Hooray for threesomes!