Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy VII. My name is Cloud and these are my memories, hell yeah! Now it's time to finally learn why we're all on this quest to save the world! Well, after our startling discovery at the reactor, we all decided to stay in Nibelheim for a few more days, but the people grew restless and nervous of our presence. I guess having a platinum blonde killing machine, all dressed in black and carrying a three meter long sword will do that to a small town. They asked me to talk to him.
It was my best buddy again. "Hello, best buddy!" I said to him. "No worries! I shall take a look inside the room and see if he's hiding under the bed!" But, after looking under the bed, I pushed "select" on my utility belt and immediately saw a hidden door! "Awesome!" I shouted.
I found Sephiroth with a big book in his hands. For everyone's convenience he read out loud. That Sephiroth dude... always thinking about others! :D
Professor Gast named that organism Jenny Ova.
FACT: Fuck you.
X Year, X Month, X Day. Jenny Ova confirmed to be an Ancient.
REAL FACT: When asian game developers can't settle for a fixed date, they bring out the X-ess!
X Year, X Month, X Day. Jenova Project approved. The use of Mako Reactor I approved for use...
FACT: Doh!
My mother's name is Jenny... Jenny Ova… Jenova... Is this just a coincidence? Professor Gast… Why didn't you tell me anything? Why did you die?
Hi, Seph! Wanna come out and play?
Leave me alone.
Alright! Smell ya later.
What?!
Hey, you try argue with him whenever we find him. It wasn't easy when he was sane and it sure as hell isn't going to be easy now when he's all emo! See what'll do for you when you ask him what the fuck is up with him. And I mean, he was just reading books anyway. What harm could come out of that? Reading is something you'll have use for all your life!
...
It is!
Of course, maybe sometimes it kind of gets outta hand... I decided to give it another shot the next morning.
My best buddy was worried. And with every right!
I almost pissed my pants. Sephiroth has one of the most creepy ha, ha, ha .....'s on the planet.
Sephiroth?
Who is it?! Oh, it's you.
Traitor?
You ignorant traitor. I'll tell you. This was an itinerant race. They would migrate in, settle the Planet, then move on… At the end of their harsh, hard journey, they would find the Promised Land and supreme happiness. But, those who stopped their migrations built shelters and elected to lead an easier life. They took that which the Cetra and the planet had made without giving back one whit in return! Those are your ancestors.
My ancestors? What?
Hey, follow the script, boy. You're supposed to say "Sephiroth..." here!
Oh. Right. Sorry.
That's okay.
Ahem... Sephiroth.
No, no, no. Three dots.
Why does it have to be... oh whatever. Sephiroth...
That's better. Long ago, disaster struck this planet. Your ancestors escaped… They survived because they hid. The Planet was saved by sacrificing the Cetra. After that, your ancestors continued to increase. Now all that's left of the Cetra is in these reports.
What does that have to do with you?
Don't you get it? An Ancient named Jenova was found in the geological stratum of 2000 years ago. The Jenova Project. The Jenova Project wanted to produce people with the powers of the Ancients……no, the Cetra! …I am the one that was produced.
Pr…produced!?
Yes. Professor Gast, leader of the Jenova Project and genius scientist, produced me.
How…how did he…?
FANBOYISM: So. Goddamn. Fucking. Hardcore.
Oh well, he was just going to see his mom, right? And she was all the way in that reactor. "What could go wrong" I wondered. I ran outside.
That damn asshole! What did my town ever do to him?! Goddamn platinum blondes. You can't trust them.
By the way: Check out the campfire in the middle of the town. Damn campers. I bet they're germans. Fucking german people.
I thought "fuck, it's the goddamn jump-over-people-guy!" I tried to run away but he hypnotized me with his beard or something. Goddamn martial artist people! They all deserve to die. My best buddy agreed with me. Even though he was unconscious. Or... well, at least I think he was.
That old guy was crazy! I wasn't going to run inside a burning house, so while Old Spice was getting burned alive I decided to stand guard. That's when I saw Sephiroth.
Instantly I realized that whatever Sephiroth was going to do had the potential to become the most badass gif animation ever.
Why hello there, Cloud. I'm sorry about the town but... hey, did you know that my hair is 100% asbest?
No, I can't say that I did.
That Sephiroth! He's insane!
...
Ehm, I followed him of course. I had to wait until someone had extinguished the fires of course, which explains why Tifa caught up with Seph way faster than me!
Daddy...
Yes, boohoo. Your dad died. Big fucking deal. Shit, I don't even know what happened to my mom! She probably died but I don't know! I think she got written out of the game or something.
But that's...
It's not fair.
But...
IT'S NOT FAIR!!
Oh, grow the fuck up.
Alright, I'll continue the story now.
Yeah, up to the point where you almost got killed anyway.
Sephiroth was totally creepy. I mean, jeez, maybe his mom didn't want to see him? Anyway, I had his sword. It was totally shorter than I remembered.
This is why I started studying martial arts.
I wasn't any good with weapons.
He threw me down the stairs!
That brute!
That villain!
That absolute fuckin' shitbag!
What a guy!
I was really scared. I thought "oh well, at least I got to be fifteen..." But then I remembered...
Alright! It's time for me to make my heroic entrance!
Oh my, it would seem that I was too late. How dreadful.
I know, baby, but you can't always get what you want.
Into the freezer with you, lol! Just kidding. Alright, Sephiroth, you bastard! Let's settle this!
Let's rip this off...
Damn, my hair looks good.
Don't you think so too? Huh? Mom?
Hey, Sephiroth! What do you think you're doing? What about MY sadness, huh!? My family, huh?! My friends, huh?! The sadness of having my hometown taken away from me, huh!? It's the same as your sadness!!
Ha, ha, ha… my sadness? What do I have to be sad about?
FACT: Jesus Christ pose #28471
Sephiroth… I trusted you…
MINDFU-HU-HU-HUUUUUU-UCKKKK!!!!!!!!!
FACT: This is exactly how the scene plays out.
What?
Isn't there more?
I don't remember. Funny, isn't it?
Hell no it ain't funny! You go and get yo head sorted, boy! I wanna hear the ending! Now, boy!
Well, umm, in terms of skill, I... couldn't have killed him. It's a miracle I even reached the reactor without his help. Something must have happened.
No shit...
Well, you killed him. It was in the newspapers after all, lol.
No, that's not true. I challenged Sephiroth and lived. Why didn't he kill me?
Nobody cares, Tifa.
There's a lot that doesn't make sense...
Well, ain't no use standin' here all day an' talkin' 'bout it! Let's move before Shinra finds us! We've been here all day.
Okay, that sounds smart.
Fuck you, Nanaki.
Yeah, fuck you, Nanaki. I wonder where we should go now. Oh hey, let's ask that guy. Hey, guy. What's up?
Thank god for helpful people, that's all I'm saying, lol!
Ain't that the truth, lol!
To be continued!
In the next update of Let's Play Final Fantasy VII: CHOCOBOS AND BIG FUCKING SNAKES!!!
See you then.