Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

[MetalCraze]

Ah Moghouse minigame. Totally forgot about it. Guess it's one of those pleasant memories you better keep forgotten.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Seriously, what the fuck? It's about an overweight, moogle in his late twenties who lives on his own on top of a fucking mountain and you, playing the role of God I guess, have to make him fly by feeding him a certain amount of nuts that'll make him go "kupo, I can fly!!" So he continuously jumps off a mushroom and fails all the time. So you feed him some more nuts and repeat the procedure. After a while a hot moogle chick comes by for some reason and makes the mountain dweller all horned up so you feed him some more nuts and then he eventually takes off and probably fucks the chick mid-air (off-screen) and they have a whole bunch of kids. And you can only play this minigame once! That's pretty much the only good thing, I suppose.

I had to look this up on Gamefaqs. I've never actually bothered with the minigames.

 

[ghostdog]

This was actually in the game? I've completely forgotten about it. Save states are a gift from the moogle gods.

 

[flabbyjack]

Hey, everybody! It's another sneak preview!

Chapter 30 - Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack
*Joe Pesci killed Flappyjack!*
*Joe Pesci has received 3000 XP!*
*Joe Pesci has gone up one level!*
*Joe Pesci has unlocked special achievement: Enemy of Pokemon!*

Flabbyjack ftw! Please use Flabby instead of Flappy in the future. Thanks!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Oh hi, Flabbyjack. Did you know that you're my inspiration?

 

[flabbyjack]

Oh hi, Flabbyjack. Did you know that you're my inspiration?

I am not a poketard! I am a man! Also Joe Pesci ain't got nothin' on me.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Nice doggy!

Anyway! FUN FACT: I swear to Erana that it was pure coincidence that I kind of named the mudkip after you, Flabby.

Really.

Now, on with the FF7-business. I genuinly thought that recording a video of me running through all the minigames would be a good idea. Y'know, save some time. Showing instead of telling. Whatever. The result is a poorly constructed video with a watermark where I fail at every single minigame and yell "motherfucker" in a number of variations. I'm not going to post it.

 

[FrancoTAU]

Angry Video Game Codexer

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I just want everyone to know that I'm playing Mog House, taking screenshots and contemplating suicide at the same time. That is what we call multitasking and explains why I find myself so attractive.

I've turned into a woman.

Update is on the way. You're all going to hate the name I've given Cait Sith.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Hey guys. I'm intoxicated. It's time for another update.

Cloud and Aeris decides to go play a couple of games at the arcade. On their way they're accosted by the fortune teller who doesn't look strange at all according to FF7-rules.

What the hell are you supposed to be?

Why, I'm a fortune teller!

A fortune teller? You can tell fortunes?

Oh yes, yes!

Hey, hey! If you want a future I politely suggest you back the fuck off, cat.

Hey, boy, no need to be like that! No need to be unfriendly! No need for any of that at all! Why, I'll even do it for free! How about it?

Hey Cloud, maybe we can ask him about Sephiroth?

My lack of common sense says you might have a point, Aeris. Alright, fortune teller...

Oh, I'm so happy! I'm so happy I could do whatever cats do whenever they're happy!

Sleep?

Yes! Well no, actually! But yes anyway! I was thinking more of a sound!

Snoring?

Yes! But actually no! It's more of a...

Shut up. What's your name?

Deceive! My name's Deceive! Get it? It rhymes with Ree--I mean Leave! Haha! Ha?

Hahaha!

Hahaha!

Shut up.

Heee...

Pleased to meet you, Deceive!

Likewise, young lady who I have never met before!

Huh?

Whatever, now tell us our fortune and then you can make your name and... leave, I guess.

He can deceive too! :D

I'm sure he will at some point...

Hey, what the...

... hell you doing?

Fortune telling, good sir! Fortune telling is all about the hip movements!

Wow, I've had my fortune told a lot! :D

You're certainly a very talented lady, Aeris.

Heehee.

You need to give a good hump to give a good dump!

What?

I'm done. Here's your fortune!

Hmph.

What does it say, Cloud?

"Be sure to keep a diary. You never know when you might lose your mind"--hey what the hell is this?

I don't even want to imagine what goes on in that costume.

I think I can! :D

That's because you're a WHORE!!

Tifa! Back off!

WHORE!!!

All done! Here's your fortune!

What does it say, Cloud?

It says you're a WHORE!!

TIFA! PLEASE! Uh, it says... oh what the fuck is this?

What?

"Lestat is a fucking asshole for not updating his Quest for Glory-thread."

That's true, but he's probably busy overthrowing the government.

Or the women.

What?

Nothing!

No.

Please?

Okay.

STOP DOING THAT!

He thinks I'm pretty! :D

...

What?

WHORE!!!

Alright! I'm sure I got it this time!

Meh.

What does it say, Cloud?

What the...

Oh boy, that sure is foreshadowing!

Yeah. Sure is.

Foreshadowing? You mean you actually think this is something that might happen?

What? No. Uh, well, not really. I mean...

But Cloud, this specifically says that we'll find Sephiroth and the Promised Land but that we'll have to sacrifice that dyke Tifa.

Okay, okay!! Uh, keep it down, Aeris.

You know, I can handle the pressure. If we ever have to sacrifice Tifa, I mean.

I imagine you can.

Wow, I've never gotten such a reaction from one of my readings!

Yeah, well, I guess you're lucky. Come on, Aeris, let's...

I really have to come with you on your quest!

Uh, no. No, no, you really don't have to.

Oh, but I do! In fact...

What?

This reminds me of that one time when I was fifteen and Garrett Robinson nextdoor and his pals gave me a lot of alcohol and I was wearing a miniskirt and...

Aeris!

Yes?

Don't.

Okay.

Hey, Aeris. That sounds like a great story! How about I give you a reading while you tell me all about that?

That sounds great, Deceive!

Oh motherfucking shit on a stick, what did I do to deserve this? I'm off to Fort Condor to kill stuff!

Fort Condor is several thousand miles that way. But we have a Battle Square over there.

Sounds good. Oh hey, Aeris. Make sure Deceive is totally up to date with the story.

We're going to save the world.

Awesome!

All done!

Right. Where the fuck is that battle square?

And so they went over to the Battle Square!

Pretty lights! :D

I have a bad feeling about this.

You do?

Absolutely. Just look down.

GodDAMN, that's a Shinra-soldier!

ShinRA soldiER!

It sure is. But something's strange about him!

Absolutely. He's dead.

Really?

Yes, just look!

How did you get over there?

It's a mystery.

Oh, that's so groceries!

Yes, but you have to have sex with him, Aeris.

Because I say so! Hahaha!!!

Hahahahaha!!!

That boy needs help! After him!

Or maybe you did this just now before we catched up to you?

Or maybe it was Ephraim of the Coo Cluck Clan who did this?!!

What?

And neither would Ephraim. They're ninjas. They would never use a gun.

Who the fuck is Ephraim of the Coo Cluck Clan?

Cloud, is he the greatest chicken farmer on the planet?

Yes, Aeris. He is the greatest WHITE chicken farmer on the planet.

Yay! :D

Look, a survivor!

Kill her!

Oh go away, Kiefer Sutherland!

*GASP*

*WHEEZE*

*Oh I got somethin' to say, I raped your mother today, hmm-hm-hmmm...*

Stop there, criminal scum!

No, Dio. We did not do this. We only just got here. You believe us, right?

No. I don't believe you.

Well, that figures.

Get them! And shoot their wounded accomplice behind the counter!

But I work he-AARGHH!!

FUCK YEAH: Bubbles was killed!

Pay with your life, criminal scum!

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!

A-Ha! You're trapped now!

Quick! Cast lightning bolt 2 at them!

I can't. It's cutscene paralysis.

Well, shit!

Ha HA! ...Translation.

To be continued!

In the next update: what happened to Tifa, Yuffie, Nanaki and God while they were demonstrating minigames with an authentic Cloud Strife-robot?

Find out in Part 4 of Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack!

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

MOAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[MetalCraze]

Hey - isn't that THE Dio?
But where is P.M.P?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Chapter ain't over yet.

edit: Also, Dio's avatar is Marcus Schenkenberg. The real Dio won't be making any appearances.

Yet.

 

[Fat Dragon]

Lulz, I like how lazy ass Square Enix decided to just use the same damned foreshadowing they did with Chrono Trigger.

Good name for Cait Sith.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Lulz, I like how lazy ass Square Enix decided to just use the same damned foreshadowing they did with Chrono Trigger.

Oh my god, that's right! Haha!

 

[Radisshu]

OMG. WHO CULD HAVE DUN IT

moar

 

[Andyman Messiah]

OMG. WHO CULD HAVE DUN IT

moar

YOU ARE IN FOR A SURPRISE, RADISH DUDE!

 

[Kz3r0]

*Oh I got somethin' to say, I raped your mother today, hmm-hm-hmmm...*
What a killing joke.

Great lp, also thanks to spare me the excruciating agony of playing this game.

 

[FrancoTAU]

All signs point to Barrett shooting those people. I can't believe he would betray us like that.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

All signs point to Barrett shooting those people. I can't believe he would betray us like that.

Oh noes! How could he?

 

[ghostdog]

It was a GANGSTA drive by !

 

[Fat Dragon]

Drug deal gone wrong, perhaps? Fuckers should've payed the nigga his paper.

 

[MetalCraze]

There was no KFC in that building

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

There was no KFC in that building

There is no KFC in the entire fucking world... It was an act spurned by repressed rage and sexual frustration!

 

[Fat Dragon]

Nah, it's just because he's black. It's in their nature.

"What can change the nature of a black man?"