In short, it sucks cocks.
In long:
Everything about this game is wrong. Fuck, I’m so pissed off after playing this.
The story is fucking retarded, not that it should matter for a Hitman game but still, it’s completely idiotic. Some stupid Texas stereotype guy kidnapped a stupid wondergirl, who is a mutant like Agent 47 or something, I don’t know, and holds her ransom, demanding 10 million dollars from the Agency. It’s stupid because it’s stupid and also it’s stupid because throughout the game I had killed like 500 of his bodyguards, destroyed 2 towns, and his huge factory, it certainly didn’t seem like he would care for some laughable 10 million dollars. Another really annoying part of the story is how Hitman gets incapacitated several times, captured, left for dead, and generally fucked around with without the player being able to do anything about it. I wanted to shit into my screen in hopes of hitting the game developers somehow when after finishing a mission, Hitman walks into some door like total degenerate and lets himself get captured. Repeatedly. Which brings me to the cutscenes: there are fucking cutscenes for kills instead of you carrying them out or cutscenes which show how the victim actually escapes even if you did everything right and it’s frustrating, stupid, it’s done in the most retarded way possible, serves only to drag the totally pointless story and destroys the feeling of being on a hunt, being the boss of what’s going on, that this game absolutely must have.
Another stupid shit is that Hitman is now emotional crybaby, after killing Diana he suddenly, for no reason, wants to protect the girl that Diana was protecting, leading him to fight the agency and the Texas guy who are also kinda fighting each other. (How cool it was when he still was a ruthless killer, snapping the neck of his little bird to avoid being found out.) The only benefit of this is that there’s tons of really nice pre-rendered cut scenes (they are still done in the game engine with some post processing, but look pretty, and the voice acting is good.) However, the videos are complete shit anyway, because they are fucking stupid.
The level design is an utter horseshit, the game is totally linear, the areas are small and narrow corridors barring a few exceptions, they are uninspired, boring-looking generic China-town/sewers/warehouses/sometimes an open desert base, you don’t get to select your weapons before the mission starts, there are retarded shitfucking glowing checkpoints instead of normal limited saves. Aside from looking like cum stain, they are also stupid because you can’t save with enemies on alert and when you reload, enemies are in different places so you can’t prepare after a guard had finished his route, save and try to kill him. It’s shit, I hate it. Fucking imbeciles.
The whole game plays like Splinter Cell without the cool gadgets. Or more like a really shitty Splinter Cell with identity crisis. There’s a new cover mechanic, because every retarded cocksucking console game needs a cover mechanic because people like to stick to tables and shoot over them, ignoring how shitty it looks when half of the character is always visible, how it impaires the ability to precisely time shooting and aiming and how buggy and unreliable it ALWAYS is. Fuck the consoles.
Hitman Absolution is a homo shitty console port. It uses context sensitive controls instead of the good old pop up menus, which were awesome and practical due to the game’s habit of putting lots of usable items into one spot. Now you see three hundred fucking big ass boxes PRESS ENTER TO CLIMB THROUGH THE WINDOW PRESS DELETE TO DRAG PRESS END TO SWITCH AGENCY RIFLE FOR STEEL DILDO, which clutters the screen, looks like shit, gets confusing and hard to navigate through quickly and uses tons of different buttons for different actions. It’s totally unnecessary, oh no, wait, it is needed for the consoles. How about you fuckfaces fix the game before releasing it for PC.
Another sign of consolefuckization is the use of quick time events for everything, from scratching Hitman’s irritated asshole to EVERY FUCKING MELEE ENCOUNTER. It’s shit, fuck you, die in a car fire, homogay cunts, there is a difference between pressing O and X on 20 cm wide controller for the retarded PS3 and quickly finding buttons on a motherfucking keyboard. Besides, it feels totally shitty to have the character perform the moves based on stupid pop up messages instead of having A) a real melee combat system or B) who gives a fuck about the melee, I think since Hitman 2 or at least 3, the melee was solved by just having Hitman smash the guy with his gun when you got too close, or just some not so fancy move. It’s simple and works like it’s supposed to – you get fucked and need to quickly dispose of the enemy who made you. Now I have to watch a small cutscene for every cocksucker I want to fight. It’s bugged, too, sometimes Hitman starts meleeing when I was going to strangle the guy with a piano wire. It’s annoying, unreliable and totally unnecessary.
Oh, I forgot it’s also used on the bosses.
Another new feature, which probably comes from someone’s freshly used rectum, is the INSTINCT. It’s like when you hold your cock and attempt to fellate yourself but instead just stick the cock into your eyesocket and cum into your skull. It’s a stupid Batman rip-off, you can press a button and shit around you starts glowing, time slows down and objectives show. Together with the missing map, this means that instead of carefully planning everything you’re gonna do at the start of the game, you just run around like a moron and let things around you glow to see what you can pick up or where’s your target. It’s absolutely disgusting, probably an appeal to 10 year old transexual boys. You are a stoic assassin no more, you are the bald Batman with superpowers. Also, instinct enables you to rip-off Splinter Cell : Conviction and line up targets for a cut-scene kill. Fuck fuck fuck. Some retards on the internet will say WELL YOU CAN TURN IT OFF, yeah, you can also suck my cock. You can delete the game, faggot. It’s a retarded feature absolutely out of place for what ideally should be a pretty subtle assassin sandbox simulation.
Subtlety! I suspect Square Enix think it’s like a vaginal cancer and they try to avoid it at all costs. Hitman is being called “Hitman” or “Agent 47″ throughout the game by ALL THE FUCKING CHARACTERS. I even went to some retarded shop for a new suit (because every single piece of what makes Agent 47 interesting must be jerked off on and explicitly mentioned for the coolness factor) and the blind guy says OH HI AGENT 47! It’s so annoying how they are trying to supercharge the mythical epicness of Agent 47, with picking up the silver ballers being the objective in like 3 missions, the agency insignia everywhere and every last person on Earth talking about this HITMAN WHO PROBABLY DOESN’T EXIST!! yet everyone knows about him. It was so cool how Hitman had aliases like Tobias Rieper. Now he is a celebrity who rides across the country, leaving behind him burning towns.
The guns and fighting: it’s shit, obviously, but why? First thing that pisses me off is the shit animation for 1-handed gun, it looks like as if he had his arm in a casket. Sounds like a minor complaint, but I had to be staring at this shit a lot because it’s my favourite method of safely killing unsuspecting targets. Another shittiness comes from the inability to equip yourself before the mission starts, so you have to use shitty guns or conveniently placed sniper rifles that you find in the mission. How resourceful you feel when you come near a hole in the wall, press a button for mission tips that tells you ENEMIES ARE VULNERABLE TO SNIPER FIRE, so you pick up the prepared sniper rifle and shoot everyone in the face.
The sound effects are weak and make the guns feel like a BBgun. Some weapons have scopes or just collimator but you can never use those except for the sniper rifles. Weapons can’t be upgraded, you inexplicably lose them between the missions even though the cutscenes suggest you go from one place straight to another. It’s annoying and it again makes you feel powerless.There are some unlocks for achieving the fucking shitty useless ACHIEVEMENTS which are meant for xbox or PS3 retards, I don’t know, who the fuck cares about this? They do nothing at all, you just see a picture at the end of the mission if you had picked up that particular weapon or disguise. You also unlock some shitty boosts like 0,0003% increased running speed, which are useless and do nothing. The enemies are actually pretty fun, they can lose the sight of you and don’t magically know where you are so you can hide and quickly sneak up on them from another side. What sucks cocks though is that all weapons that are not guns are just used as melee weapons or you can throw them and magically hit the enemies in the head, which results in a silent kill. So no more tranquilizer injection, now they are for throwing! Fuck. Enemies sometimes get reinforcements, that kinda makes sense.
Another major fuck-up is the disguise system tied into the INSTINCT system. I’d rather wear diapers full of shit and piss than disguise myself in the Hitman universe. It’s probably the worst thing in the game, it makes you actually sneak around instead of hiding in plain sight like you should be doing. Enemies quickly recognize anyone who wears the same uniform as them, which can be prevented by hitting the COOL button so Hitman makes a dumbass of himself and slightly covers his face. I don’t know how many more times I will have to use the word shit, but it’s fucking shit. It’s a bother to walk through the levels to plan shit but there’s no map so you have to but you also have to be sneaking even though you have a disguise, because the mechanic works like cock and sometimes bugs out or what the fuck and you are made. It turns around the awesome feeling of superiority from the previous games into a paranoia about when this shit is gonna get me fucked and I’ll have to reload from the shitty checkpoint.
The characters are vapid uninteresting shits.
The music sucks, it wasn’t written by Jesper Kyd and as a result, it is boring, often subdued and always generic,
I have heard how this game has an awesome replay value, but that’s nonsense. Why would you try to replay the same narrow corridor if you don’t get anything at all for achieving some arbitrary score, you don’t get to test new weapons because you can’t unlock any or prepare them before the mission?
Some dialogues were funny, the general graphics were pretty nice but overall the game is so silly, consoletardish piece of shit that often I would just fuck it and shoot everyone since the game doesn’t reward you for trying to play it. Not with unlocks or satisfying kills and certainly not with the progress of its fucking horrible story. I wouldn’t care about it if it didn’t insist on fucking up the gameplay. Yeah, and then there’s some contracts mode that apparently doesn’t work when you don’t have the original game so that’s another minus, it’s some totally idiotic wannabe-multiplayer without actually allowing you to play with other people, why the fuck would you create your own objectives for other people you will never ever hear from to play through?
My verdict: instead of stealing the game from torrents, use the time to buy a 2l bottle, fill it up with horse semen, urine and feces and pour it into your ears. Your brain will thank you.