Idiott
Arcane
It was too hard for me to open the eyes, so I've just whined pathetically.
Once I realized what Olga Dmitrievna wanted from me and what time it was, I rolled over to the other side.
I was so tired that I wanted to quickly choke the camp leader so she would quit disturbing me from resting from a hellish yesterday.
I mustered up my strength, opened my eyes and sat up.
I started pleading.
My head went completely numb so I just couldn't find any arguments to bring up.
I dozed off, taking great pains to not fall asleep on my feet, so I've missed everything that Olga Dmitrievna announced.
The majority of the pioneers seemed to be feeling the same.
Electronik yawned constantly, Alisa had huge baggy eyes, only Ulyana seemed to be full of health and energy, as always.
I've swept my eyes over the lineup yet again and couldn't find Lena.
~ That's odd. Generally, she's a diligent and committed girl, it's against her rules to miss such events. ~
~ On the other hand, that was too much for her yesterday. Such a stress. Probably she's depressed... ~
Although such a behavior of hers was very surprising.
I mean, I suspected that she was not the kind of person she wanted others to see her as, but I never expected such a drastic change.
Lena – amazingly! – somehow reminded me of Alisa, even more strict and brutal at times.
And now I was not sure how to behave myself around her – I was simply afraid of her.
Finally, lineup was over and pioneers dragged oneselves to the breakfast.
She, as always, blabbered without a break, adding a cute smile at the same time.
I answered lazily.
I delivered a snark remark.
It looked like she was so into her monologue that she was completely oblivious to everything around her.
I went to the canteen firm step to get my portion of fats, proteins and carbohydrates.
I sat down and tried really hard to make such a face, that will tell everyone that there is really no need to come anywhere near me, apart from any case of emergency.
Just to sit alone and think. Moreover, keeping my mind off other things was making me less sleepy.
I did not notice Slavya standing there.
~ Strange... ~
I answered after hesitating for a second.
We kept eating in silence until I asked:
I felt a bit more lively.
~ She might be right. ~
Even being in most unfavorable circumstances I always tried to have a positive outlook on things.
Not that I was an optimist, I just always tried not to feel too down.
Keeping my previous life in mind, it's only natural – as soon as you let depression get a hold on you, the noose will start looking very friendly.
When Slavya was done with her meal I was still poking the porridge with my spoon.
I sat for a few more minutes in place and then headed outside without finishing my breakfast.
~ Today was quite gloomy. First gloomy day during my time here. I kind of got used to bright and burning Sun. ~
The heat that would only subside by the evening seemed to be an irreplaceable component of this place.
It looks like even here the weather changes after all.
~ Almost like it's matching my mood... ~
~ It looks like just another proof that this place or it's creators are sentient and have great storytelling skills ~
Sometimes I really wanted to focus on a single theory of mine, concentrate on it and forget about all others.
Just to decide for myself, that it's all done by aliens or I am in parallel universe. Or witchcraft, or military experiments...
Just pick one and be done with it!
Stop thinking about all possible explanations to this situation, constantly jumping from one to the other. Just focus on a single one.
~ But it is impossible. ~
~ I (almost) have no facts about anything. Nothing extraordinary has happened to me here yet. ~
Yes, some odd things took place. But they can and do happen in real world too.
~ No answers, no hints, no clues... ~
I was walking where my legs were taking me.
I wanted to call out to him, but stopped, because he was going a little too confident in an unknown direction.
~ It's strange, it goes against his principles. ~
~ Anyway, what can I talk about with Electronik? And yeah, I have to start the conversation first... ~
~ Seems like I completely despaired. ~
However, it wouldn't be uninteresting to follow him and to find out where he is running.
As a child I liked games of spies and here is a chance to put myself into the real spy's skin!
I decided not to mask and hide in a special way and just went after him at some distance quietly.
I stood behind a big tree so nobody could see me and began to wait.
...
He was absent for quite a long time.
~ Perhaps, this is a stupid idea, because in fact, what’s the difference if he went to the library? Maybe just decided to take something to read. ~
~ He walked fast? So what? ~
~ Perhaps he has some business afterwards... ~
My thougts were disturbed by a loud door slam.
They ran past me, but naturally they were so involved in chasing, that couldn't notice me.
The whole situation seemed very funny, and I decided that I necessarily should find out what's the matter.
~ I wonder, where could Electronik be running like that? ~
~ No, this is obviously a silly idea... ~
However, he wasn't here either.
Footsteps sound came from the next room and soon Electronik himself appeared.
His eyes ran guiltily and a shirt had visible traces of sweat.
He asked doomed.
~ Indeed, fleeing from an angry librarian – it's nothing... ~
I smiled disarmingly.
It seems I exaggerated there a bit, but looks like it has convinced him.
He took a deep breath, gathering strength.
After these words, I wanted to fall to the floor and start rolling, torn from violent attacks of laughter, but out of respect for him, I refrained, his next words flew past my ears.
~ A brave fellow, indeed. ~
I patted him on the shoulder, trying really hard not to laugh.
He smiled sadly.
~ However, if you think about it, Electronik and Zhenya would make a wonderful couple. ~
~ They are actually a perfect match. It is strange then that Zhenya rejected him... ~
~ At the end of the day Electronik is not such a simpleton... ~
~ Just like that, declared his love, even realizing that the refusal will follow. Or is it, on the contrary, because of just being as simple as an apple pie? ~
~ Any way, you can feel some kind of honesty and sincerity in his behaviour. ~
~ More complicated people would spend hours, days, months, years thinking about how to present this in a better way, what consequences can it have and should you even bother. I would do so myself. ~
~ No, rather, I have done so. ~
~ But he just said it. Unsuccessfully of course, but it could have also gone differently... ~
These thoughts got me into a complete melancholy, so that the lunch signal, usually so desired, didn't trigger any emotions at all.
Maybe the Sun that came out from the clouds contributed to that, or maybe something else that I missed, while running after Electronik.
Only the places next to Ulyana and Alisa turned out to be free.
I braced myself and started walking towards them – eating was still a necessity.
Ulyana giggled.
Oddly enough, the girls did not pay any attention to me and talked about their concerns.
At first I thought it was good but then I started to think that they just took no notice of me.
Because of all my thinking I completely forgot about her.
Alisa answered absently.
I took a look over the canteen but didn't see her anywhere.
Alisa interjected angrily.
I had nothing to answer and so was just blankly looking at Alisa before going back to food.
She did not insist on continuing the conversation.
...
The lunch was over. I silently stood up and went out of the canteen without a goodbye.
~ On the other hand, why should I do something? Why me. Where am I and why am I here, who are all these people? ~
~ One can not be absolutely sure that Lena is not what she seems. ~
~ Perhaps, all this doesn't even exist, so, why should I worry?.. ~
~ However, for me now, Lena is still the same Lena. Modest, quiet girl I met on the first day. ~
~ And even her strange behavior could not affect my attitude to her. ~
~ In the end, it’s not certain that I still exist. So while the world is logical (At least to some extent), I have to play by its rules! ~
She looked at me blankly.
There is something strange happening to the camp leader, again. She behaved absolutely incomprehensible, illogical.
Olga Dmitrievna replied calmly.
I started to lose my temper.
~ The idea was good because obviously I would get no more answers here. ~
It was nice that the orchestra-girl has told me before where she lives, that is why I was at the door of their cabin a minute later.
I should have knocked, but for some reason I couldn't.
After a few deep breaths I knocked on the door several times.
I heard a familiar voice.
By that moment I started suspecting everybody in hiding the information about Lena's location, in conspiracy, in involvement into me being here, in Kennedy's assassination and in hundreds of other terrible things.
Not a chance of finding out anything here either.
At that moment it seemed to me that missing Lena was the only living person of this pack of talking dummies, and I had to find her!
However, it seemed almost impossible to do this alone, so I went for help.
~ Who will help me most willingly? Of course Slavya! ~
I decided that at this time she could be engaged in cleaning something. For example, the square.
So I went there.
It was like a lightning strike.
I took a few awkward steps back and ran away from this place.
~ What is happening? The strangest thing is – it doesn’t have to do anything with me, but with Lena. ~
~ Maybe she got here the same why as I did. ~
~ Exactly! That could be the reason why she behaves quietly most of the time. ~
~ No, wait... But what about her, meeting Alisa?.. ~
~ No, something does not add up. ~
After catching the breath I looked around and found myself at the bus stop. I sat on the curb and closed my face with hands.
~ If before nothing really depended on me, but was going relatively smooth – then now I was, as always, helpless, but the situation was totally different. ~
~ Watching the battle fought from the side without a threat to your life and being in the hot spot without being able to help the ones you care about are two different things. ~
...
Time passed and the Sun began to fall.
~ Probably dinner has already started. ~
~ Although what's the difference, I still don't want to eat. ~
I stood up and trudged back to the camp on rubber legs.
~ As always, the only thing left is to wait. ~
~ While everybody are at lunch I could sit quietly and think there. ~
~ Though what else I could think about? Enough maybe? ~
However, my expectations were ruined.
She looked at me from behind of her glasses.
She laughed loudly.
I immediately remembered the morning incident.
Zhenya got uncomfortable.
She turned away after these words.
Even to me it was not clear whether I’m defending Electronik or just keeping the conversation going.
I thought and answered after a while.
Zhenya said rudely and walked towards the canteen.
I sat down on the sand and thought.
~ True that, Electronik was able say it, but can I do the same thing? That is a question, a big question. ~
~ If I got the right moment... But which and when? ~
~ It's always easier to think about something ephemeral, to get ready for dozens of possible situations, to predict the following events for many steps ahead. ~
~ But most of the time it all goes different. ~
~ Even a small trivia is enough to ruin all your plans. ~
~ And if you're not ready to do it at all, ever, under any circumstances, if you are ready only when everything comes exactly as you have expected, it is unlikely to get something worthwhile. ~
~ Therefore, the only correct answer to the question of Zhenya was 'no'. ~
~ Not unambiguous, non definite, non critical or depriving the right to choose. Just 'no'. ~
~ There is only simple a 'yes' and a simple 'no'. ~
It was always hard for me to understand it.
Between these two extremes I had a great number of different "maybe", "perhaps", "probably if", and other "not sure but I will try"...
...
Under other circumstances I would have gone to sleep now... But looking for Lena at night also was not a good idea.
I got up and slowly walked aimlessly.
I stood there for a moment and was about to leave when I heard noises.
~ Clap, another clap... Something painfully familiar! ~
I stood in shock for a long time.
My head was completely empty, I just looked at her and felt a sense of joy. A joy of finding her, a joy of seeing her again.
Finally I came to my senses and decided to approach...
But after a couple of steps I stopped.
~ And what do I say now? "Glad I found you"? "Where have you been, I was worried"? ~
~ After yesterday's conversation it is very unlikely she wants to see me. ~
~ And what if Lena will ask me why was I looking for her? Why was I worrying? ~
~ I did not know myself why... Probably it's because she was absent for too long. ~
~ Maybe if it wasn't her but some other person whom I know I'd be worried the same way. ~
~ Maybe if I would have behaved yesterday in other way today she would not have disappeared. ~
~ Not sure, but I'll try to come up with something adequate... ~
I took another step and stopped again.
~ Probably, maybe, perhaps, not sure... ~
~ Again and again, these words appear in my mind, in my life... ~
~ Unconsciously, without my will! ~
~ But why? What's the purpose? ~
~ I have to make a decision! Once and for all! ~
~ Although... There are two simple words – "Yes" and "no". ~
Finally all cleared up!
I went to the court, approached Lena, smiled and said:
Everything she said was quite and calm with no trace of embarrassment or shyness. With no emotions at all, to be precise.
Though the only one who worried was me.
I tried to smile to make my words not sounding like a reproach.
I read a surprise in her eyes.
No matter how I tried to be perfectly honest, it was coming out wrong.
It seems like this conversation was not interesting for her.
A silence followed.
I just didn't know what else to say, and Lena seemed to be feeling quite well in silence.
Finally I said, pointing at the racket.
She walked to the bench and put down her racket and birdie.
To tell the truth, I did not expect such a response.
Lena intently studied the sky.
Lots of small lights shined above me. Some of them were brighter, some were barely visible.
I never really understood what people find in just sitting back and looking at the stars.
After all, here on Earth, it's just small dots of light and it is unlikely that many people know what kind of celestial bodies they are, as well as their size and how far they are from us.
Of course, it is so romantic to just enjoy the light of distant stars, but for me it was like staring at a brick wall. It also has its potholes, unevenness of brickwork, patterns on the stone.
A stellar sky in miniature.
She said mysteriously with her head up.
~ I already heard it somewhere else. ~
Lena looked at me.
She said nothing, just stared at the sky again.
My voice sounded unnaturally fun.
Now she was crying for sure.
I mumbled.
Of course, we didn't clear anything out. To be precise, we didn't even start to.
However, I didn't understand why all this is necessary.
Lena turned away sobbing quietly.
~ Why is it so important to her? ~
Lena didn't answer.
She stopped crying for a moment.
Even taking into account all the things I’ve just said, this question came to me unexpectedly.
She cried, got up and walked briskly to the exit from the sports ground.
I caught up with her, grabbed her arm, but she pulled it out.
Now Lena was a totally different person.
And I couldn't say that she was aggressive, assertive or super strong-willed. She just had no doubt about what she was doing.
I tried to stop Lena once again, but she looked at me so that I did not dare to argue.
She stopped for a moment and looked at me.
In my anger I hit my forehead on the iron post.
I have seen Lena being anything, but not ruthless and indifferent.
She was crossing the football ground, and I trailed behind, trying in vain to persuade her to listen to me.
~ I don't know why I do all this. To prove that I'm right? ~
~ So I won’t be understood in a wrong way? So I will look better in her eyes? ~
~ Or is there some other reason? ~
In any case, at that moment I just felt that it was necessary.
Lena was pretty fast, I could barely keep up with her.
I had to say something. My head was filled with different options, but nothing suitable.
No answer.
No answer.
No answer.
Strange, but at that moment I was more worried about behaviors than Lena.
She stopped.
Lena said bitterly.
She sounded much more confident than me, there was no trace of a doubt in her eyes.
I was ready to burst into tears.
Lena changed in her face.
She looked at me as if she was ready to kill.
Lena started screaming, her hair disheveled, her face flushed and her eyes got bloodshot.
She seems to have calmed down a bit.
I turned around and saw Alisa lazily chewing a ban.
~ At the wrong time in the wrong place. This situation is a perfect example. ~
I just froze in surprise, not knowing what to say.
But Lena was smarter.
Alisa looked surprised. No wonder, she did not hear the entire conversation.
Lena in a moment became as before – calm and unruffled.
She pointed her finger at me with disgust.
Alisa's eyes popped open wide.
I giggled nervously.
I said quietly to her.
Lena said it softly, but her voice had traces of rage in it.
Alisa looked at her frightened.
Well, I would understand a simple slap, but such a blow can break the jaw!
Alice fell down and seems to have lost consciousness.
~ What should I do? ~
I decided that whatever happens – it does not concern me.
~ But, on the other hand, how can I remain indifferent? ~
~ Am I a real man!? ~
I ran to the lying girl and tried to figure out if she's alive at all.
Lena stood, clenching her fist.
You could even break your hand with such a blow.
The tears welled up, flowing across her face and she ran away from the square.
It seemed to me that I still heard Lena's sobbing while I was bringing Alisa to feelings.
Alisa moved her jaw from left to right.
I helped her up.
Alisa said, trying to give me a smile.
She probably was not really able to talk, and I couldn’t found right words to say. All this was a real shock for me.
I found myself a mere spectator of a drama play in which I just took on the main part...
After the door closed behind Alisa I stood for a long time and looked at her cabin.
~ What should I do after all this? ~
~ Fatigue overcame me. I had to sleep. ~
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