Baldur's Gate Baldur's Cringe 3 compilation thread

[Chippy]

So I'm going to join my first D&D campaign this weekend, I'm super stoked. My plan is to play a Human Wizard - I know, cliché, but I have a killer idea for a background. He will be a wizarding prodigy, so good at magic that he even draws the attention of Mystra herself. She teaches him how to make the most of his potential, and they embark upon a romantic, sexual relationship. They will pass many happy years together, with my Wizard enjoying the simple life in Waterdeep in his grand wizard tower, with his cat, fine wine, and many books to keep him company when his goddess girlfriend isn't around. All goes well until my Wizard, in a desperate attempt to win Mystra's love and trust for all eternity - unleashes a fragment of weave that was lost to Mystra that is capable of erasing all magic from existence.

To save the world, my Wizard absorbs this fragment temporarily. But wait! To contain it, he will have to absorb some of the magical items we will find on our campaign. He also will not be able to be killed permanently, for if he does the fragment in him will explode like an atomic bomb causing a TPK. I think this could lead to some very interesting scenarios in our campaign. Of course it'll need to be cured at some point. I've already got a story hook planned out where the famous wizard Elminster seeks our adventuring group out to help us deal with the problem. In the end my plan is for my Wizard to gain control over this fragment and become a demigod.

What do you think guys, will my DM like it?

Your DM wont like it unless your wizard has to learn to control the weave and expand on his magical powers by becoming a woman for a set period of time, and to have a 16" cock, 4" thick swinging between her legs that she used every night on every race in Faerun with a hole.

You might even try to convine your DM that your mage can 'dual class' their gender at set times, allowing him/her to be a fighter/wizard/cleric/thief & then whatever x4 more modern classes are out there for their second chosen gender. Just to be inclusive you understand.

Then there's the bestiality shapeshifting...

 

[Fedora Master]

It's not real wizardry unless the demons you summon start to scream in fear and clench their buttholes.

 

[Cohesion]

Help me understand.
How is Shadowheart a cleric of Shar? You know, an evil deity? What alignment does she fit in?

She's a demure non-entity. Alignment doesn't exist anymore in 5e anyway.

5e still has an Alignment system, though. They just changed the terminology a bit.

Lawful = Female
Neutral = Non-Binary
Chaotic = Male

Good = Homosexual
Neutral = Bisexual
Evil = Heterosexual

There's a 1:1 equivalency between being a Chaotic Evil and a Heterosexual Male character. Same damn thing.

Meanwhile, what really is the difference between a True Neutral druid and a Non-binary Bisexual druid?

Of course, the only way to play the role of warrior for Truth and Justice is to be a fat ugly bull-dyke lesbian. It's basically synonymous with being a Paladin at this point in Western culture.

Anyway, so glad I don't play RPGs. Really dodged a bullet here.

Wtf I'm chaotic evil??

 

[Bibbimbop]

have a 16" cock, 4" thick swinging between her legs that she used every night on every race in Faerun with a hole.

Oh... That's f'ing hot.

Imagine ramming an Elder Beholder from behind with your 16" mandingo, as it's making an ahegao face with all of its eyestalks quivering and eyes rolling around in ultimate pleasure.

Wtf I'm chaotic evil??

Fortunately I'm a level 40 cleric of Lathander whose childhood village was slaughtered by a gang of Heterosexual Male orcs during a sacred ritual of mass grooming. I've waited for this moment ever since.

/Me casts rainbow smite.

 

[Melcar]

Non-binary heterosexual.

 

[Reinhardt]

Help me understand.
How is Shadowheart a cleric of Shar? You know, an evil deity? What alignment does she fit in?

She's a demure non-entity. Alignment doesn't exist anymore in 5e anyway.

5e still has an Alignment system, though. They just changed the terminology a bit.

Lawful = Female
Neutral = Non-Binary
Chaotic = Male

Good = Homosexual
Neutral = Bisexual
Evil = Heterosexual

There's a 1:1 equivalency between being a Chaotic Evil and a Heterosexual Male character. Same damn thing.

Meanwhile, what really is the difference between a True Neutral druid and a Non-binary Bisexual druid?

Of course, the only way to play the role of warrior for Truth and Justice is to be a fat ugly bull-dyke lesbian. It's basically synonymous with being a Paladin at this point in Western culture.

Anyway, so glad I don't play RPGs. Really dodged a bullet here.

Wtf I'm chaotic evil??

nah, you are just neutral good

 

[La vie sexuelle]

Help me understand.
How is Shadowheart a cleric of Shar? You know, an evil deity? What alignment does she fit in?

She's a demure non-entity. Alignment doesn't exist anymore in 5e anyway.

5e still has an Alignment system, though. They just changed the terminology a bit.

Lawful = Female
Neutral = Non-Binary
Chaotic = Male

Good = Homosexual
Neutral = Bisexual
Evil = Heterosexual

There's a 1:1 equivalency between being a Chaotic Evil and a Heterosexual Male character. Same damn thing.

Meanwhile, what really is the difference between a True Neutral druid and a Non-binary Bisexual druid?

Of course, the only way to play the role of warrior for Truth and Justice is to be a fat ugly bull-dyke lesbian. It's basically synonymous with being a Paladin at this point in Western culture.

Anyway, so glad I don't play RPGs. Really dodged a bullet here.

Wtf I'm chaotic evil??

There is not chaotic evil outside Act 1.

 

[KeighnMcDeath]

I think Sven would fit in with this band.

“Maybe he’d fit in too well.”

 

[La vie sexuelle]

I think Sven would fit in with this band.

“Maybe he’d fit in too well.”

Failed American attempt to make fun of glorious eurodance.

That's Larian spirit:

Porny music for porny people

 

[KeighnMcDeath]

God what an awful sounding band. I think Hoppypotty trumps them and they’re just a parody band. Good grief that’s awful. A couple of kids pounding on pans and mimicking Pokémon theme song would be better.

 

[La vie sexuelle]

God what an awful sounding band. I think Hoppypotty trumps them and they’re just a parody band. Good grief that’s awful. A couple of kids pounding on pans and mimicking Pokémon theme song would be better.

Ah, yes, music. They also do music.

 

[GaelicVigil]

So I decided to start another run through of BG1 & BG2 just as a side comparison to how things are different from BG3 this weekend. I realized how poorly BG3 makes you feel like you're actually in a living fantasy world. This is where this game completely falls flat to me. There is no day/night cycle, there are no NPC schedules. The world feels like a theme-park of "shinies" to experience instead of a cohesive place. Every 5 steps is some stupid cut-scene attraction of bullshit that I have to sit through and be "entertained" by. There is no sense of realism whatsoever to this world at all. Goblins are raiding a village next door to drow raiding another, on top of a dungeon of spiders. This is worse than a MMORPG.

The first day I played BG3 I was amazed by the interactivity, but after a week I realized that there is nothing else to the game other than "pick a conversation option to see weird stuff happen". The further I get into the storyline the more I realize that even that concept begins to break down. And the sheer amount porn shoved into this game should designate it as an adult-only sex simulator on Steam, honestly.

Bottom line, BG3 is not "Baldur's Gate 3". It's DOS 3. In fact I wouldn't even go so far to say that it shares the skin of Baldur's Gate or D&D or Forgotten Realms at all. These creatures and locations are not what they are labeled as. Put a man in a dress and call him a woman is a good metaphor to what Larian is trying to do here. This is "Drag Queen" Baldur's Gate. Going back and playing the originals with their wide, open worlds, realistic NPCs, towns and landscapes, and slower pacing has made me realize how much I still love the originals and loathe this poor excuse of a sequel.

 

[Raghar]

I saw something weird. When Shadowheart cast Guiding bolt, she says VIAGRA.

Also I saw a person who finished it with 5300+ quicksaves.

 

[skaraher]

DnD is still a setting where Law/Chaos and Good/Evil are actual measurable forces. Moral relativism should be impossible in a place like that. I'm sure WotC will introduce Chaotic Devils and Lawful Good Demons soon enough though. And make em playable, why the fuck not. Turn Baldurs Gate into Gay Sigil.

Its already the case in Pathfinder WOTR

 

[Erebus]

I'm happy to share the cringe screenshot collection I took for my friend who can't play it yet

Shit. There's one of those screenshots that actually appeals to my taste.

 

[Frank Capicoli]

 

[9ted6]

So I'm going to join my first D&D campaign this weekend, I'm super stoked. My plan is to play a Human Wizard - I know, cliché, but I have a killer idea for a background. He will be a wizarding prodigy, so good at magic that he even draws the attention of Mystra herself. She teaches him how to make the most of his potential, and they embark upon a romantic, sexual relationship. They will pass many happy years together, with my Wizard enjoying the simple life in Waterdeep in his grand wizard tower, with his cat, fine wine, and many books to keep him company when his goddess girlfriend isn't around. All goes well until my Wizard, in a desperate attempt to win Mystra's love and trust for all eternity - unleashes a fragment of weave that was lost to Mystra that is capable of erasing all magic from existence.

To save the world, my Wizard absorbs this fragment temporarily. But wait! To contain it, he will have to absorb some of the magical items we will find on our campaign. He also will not be able to be killed permanently, for if he does the fragment in him will explode like an atomic bomb causing a TPK. I think this could lead to some very interesting scenarios in our campaign. Of course it'll need to be cured at some point. I've already got a story hook planned out where the famous wizard Elminster seeks our adventuring group out to help us deal with the problem. In the end my plan is for my Wizard to gain control over this fragment and become a demigod.

What do you think guys, will my DM like it?

But what are thyr pronouns?

 

[jaekl]

It's the last day of the Baldur's Cringe 3 competition and we only got two entries so far. Looking like team hater is gonna take a giant L here this week.

 

[Fedora Master]

• Made performance improvements related to controller movement.
• Made optimisations for when moving around the world on controller.

IMPORTANT CHANGES
(because Larian audience)

 

[NecroLord]

Let me guess: It ended with you FUCKING the Mind Flayer Emperor, right?

 

[Ladonna]

Is this your character? Or are you finding these from a playthrough?

 

[Frank Capicoli]

Let me guess: It ended with you FUCKING the Mind Flayer Emperor, right?

I'm too busy FUCKING Shadowheart. I think I saw in the other thread there's an achievement for sexing the illithid so go for it king.

 

[jaekl]

This thread has been a monumental disappointment to me, so in the interest of supporting haters and trash talkers across the globe, I’ve decided to offer a prize for the poster who can make me cringe the most with a screenshot or *short* video clip from Baldur's Gate 3.

-Prize will be a game of your choice from GoG, valued at $20 CAD or less. I’ll send you a code via PM.

-Contest ends at an arbitrary time of my choosing next Saturday

-keep video clips really short please, like 2 minutes is pushing the limits. I want a *quick* laugh/cringe which is fun in short doses but becomes painful very quickly.

-Everyone is allowed to enter, even if you’re one of my forum enemies or a BG3 superfan

Your brother in hatred,
jaekl

Current contest leader: consgay with trenchcoat guy talking about baldur's gate in a storage locker

I don't need a prize but I'm happy to share the cringe screenshot collection I took for my friend who can't play it yet (I maintain that it's still a fun game overall though). Pretty much everything Gale and Halsin say makes me burn with embarrassment so I've just chosen my favourite 2 for them, but if you want more cringe from them just search for any of their dialogue on youtube.

Congratulations processdaemon on one of the easiest victories there ever was. If you don't want the prize, you may choose who receives it.

 

[processdaemon]

This thread has been a monumental disappointment to me, so in the interest of supporting haters and trash talkers across the globe, I’ve decided to offer a prize for the poster who can make me cringe the most with a screenshot or *short* video clip from Baldur's Gate 3.

-Prize will be a game of your choice from GoG, valued at $20 CAD or less. I’ll send you a code via PM.

-Contest ends at an arbitrary time of my choosing next Saturday

-keep video clips really short please, like 2 minutes is pushing the limits. I want a *quick* laugh/cringe which is fun in short doses but becomes painful very quickly.

-Everyone is allowed to enter, even if you’re one of my forum enemies or a BG3 superfan

Your brother in hatred,
jaekl

Current contest leader: consgay with trenchcoat guy talking about baldur's gate in a storage locker

I don't need a prize but I'm happy to share the cringe screenshot collection I took for my friend who can't play it yet (I maintain that it's still a fun game overall though). Pretty much everything Gale and Halsin say makes me burn with embarrassment so I've just chosen my favourite 2 for them, but if you want more cringe from them just search for any of their dialogue on youtube.

Congratulations processdaemon on one of the easiest victories there ever was. If you don't want the prize, you may choose who receives it.

Thank you jaekl, while I'm very proud that my BG3 playthrough was the cringiest I'm happy to pass the prize along to Frank Capicoli for his touching screenshots of dragonborn on illithid love as I have a game backlog about a year long already. Enjoy!

 

[NecroLord]

I think I saw in the other thread there's an achievement for sexing the illithid so go for it king.

Uugh, no thanks, brother.