Let's Play Charles Barkley - Shut Up and Jam! RAAAGGGEEEE

anus_pounder said:

WTF is a zauber?

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German, means "jutsu" or "magic" basically.

Alright! since you guys like it so much I'll keep it going, going to try to update twice more this week (I got a midterm and a paper due monday and two homework assignments due tuesday so it might not be till wednesday but after that it should be more frequent.)

I'll also show more of the exploration of the areas, I skipped the catacombs as it was already available in the above videos.

The game is one gigantic joke and there are so many gags that happen throughout it all, and there's also some light C&C even! For instance, in the introduction of the game Barkley is given a chance to give a kid a neo-shekel on the streets. If you decline he gives the witty line "survival of the fittest kid, if you can't slam with the best then you jam with the rest" - but if you do give him a neo-shekel he helps you out by distracting some troopers in a later QTE event.

FUCKING AMAZING

Also, would anyone want me to break down the game's system, abilities, and status effects?

awesome necro powers

Played this for a while when it came out, some of the timing based attacks gave me the shits though.

I let someone else do the work and just enjoy the ride.

Fucking love this game, but never finished it for some reason. It's genius how they managed to take b-ball into absurd levels of hilarity and still make it out as serious business in the context of the game.

The writing of the dialog is, all jokes aside, on a very professional level. Actually, considering how terrible some mainstream big-dev are I'd say its better than average even when compared to Professional games.

I'll go on to explain some basics of the game, as I am at work and have nothing to do (least of all, work).

Status ailments:


^ Stolen from a nicely made table on gamefaqs on Shot Gunnova's faq on the game. VP is health, so diabetes is basically 'poison', the rest you can see for yourselves.

Barkley has 3 basic attacks, one of which is variant on how you do it.

His most 'conventional' attack is the free-throw, you get two shots on one enemy based on a timing mini-game that I believe was taken straight from the same mechanic used in the SNES phenomenon of the same name. The closer to the hot-spot on the timer, the higher the accuracy.

His more powerful attack is the 'pass' which is a single shot on one enemy that does high damage, has a faster timing mini-game (harder), and is more likely to miss (thus to be used on slower enemies with lots of VP).

His third is the jump-shot, the effects of which are dependent on which way you jump. They all have 100% accuracy but do different damage and change your defense. If you jump backwards you do less damage but gain an armor boost til your next turn, if you jump straight up its a clean shot with no side-effects but an extra boost to accuracy (150%), if you jump forward your armor goes down by 33% but you do extra damage. This is useful for enemies that evade attacks but have low HP.

Example of Free-throw:



Balthios/UHB has 3 very different attacks. his basic attack uses his currently equipped Zauber which does low damage but is elemental in nature, and so can be effective if you match with with an appropriately weak enemy (he starts with a Fire Zauber but later gets other elements). His secondary attack is, and I forget the name, a dash-n-slash attack that is a 3 part hit that does more damage if you can time the flashing symbol similar to Legend of Dragoon or The Witcher. His 3rd attack ability is the 'zeta-scan' which slows down all enemies.

Here's the dash and slash attack at stage 1. There's a total of 3 stages where he 1) runs at enemy (stabbing them?) 2) slashes enemy and 3) returns supposedly giving another slash. The symbols rotate so there's 3 showing up, supposedly per 'cut'. Overall, an annoying but weak move, I often just toss a zauber to avoid having to button mash on a QTE for pitiful damage.



I don't have my saves with me on my laptop so I can't take a shot of vinceborg's attack, but his is ridiculous. Basically he has 1 attack (the best one), you get a free moving pointer where vinceborg spends a few seconds blasting it with an eye-laser (Kano style, from mortal kombat) and you can move it freely so you can, theoretically, kill an ass load of enemies. It does a fuck-ton of damage too, almost on par with Barkley's 'double-team' move where he just chucks like 10 b-balls at the enemy doing a bunch of damage.

Characters get 3 slots of equipment -- weapons, often unique to each character; armor, sometimes shared between characters; and finally an accessory which is the same for all if I'm not mistaken. They do exactly what you think they do. For instance in a previous shot you may have noticed that both Barkley and Vinceborg have 'Bapes' equipped for an accessory - that's a sneaker that increases their 'speed' stat.

Of the previously mentioned status effects Diabeetus is probably one of the most important and has a very important quest attached to it, one that I was personally rolling laughing over when I got to it.

All this and more, next time in... TALES OF INTEREST!

It's a truly fantastic game. I wish the Tales of Games folks would release a sequel. The writing really is top-notch, for a bunch of kids. The characters are consistent, and the plot has twists.

Massive incline. Massive.

Finished the game once a couple of months ago. Very good game. Do continue.

Minor update incoming in 5... 4... 3... your mother's a whore.

WE ARE BACK WITH MORE... TALES OF INTEREST!

Last time we left off as our heroes made their way into the sewers of neo-new-york and found their long lost cyber-negro brother-baller. What lies ahead in the filth of post-cyberpocalyptic society? Monsters? Friends? Jordan and his fascist anti-b-ball troopers? Or something more sinister than all of the above... something so devious, so dreadful, so diabolical, so devilish that I have to use all 'd' words to describe the dastardly deviance dere-in... err, there-in... what lies ahead is the terrifying warrens of Cesspool-X.



From the start point we make our way north bound and are quickly encountered by an enemy mob:



Here's a good opportunity to show Vinceborg's mad laser-b-balling skills.
As you can see his attack a solid stream, his base accuracy is 200% (pretty much guaranteed to hit) and I can move the pointer in free-time, he has I believe about 8-10 'blasts' with roughly a second interval between the blasts that lets us target multiple opponents.


The rogue ballers quickly claim victory.


We make our way up north fighting off two more mobs until we eventually find a room with a chest:


But before we can access it we are quickly beset upon by the enemy who takes advantage of our low health. The whistle enemies can pack quite a punch and have a self-destruct move that easily does over 150 damage (depending on whom it targets), and Balthios currently has less than 400VP total... his fall is easily understood.


Barkley manages to 'roid him up again but the whistle gets off its status-causing song which puts the two into a stroke (paralysis) leaving Barkley alone.


As the battle rages on the other two wake up but not in time to save Barkley, causing him to lose out on the precious and lopsided XP reward at the end of the battle.


Now for a neat demonstration of Vinceborg's skills... 5 ball drones... now you see them.


Now you don't... err... well their HP is gone, ho hooo.


We eventually make our way through the intermittent sewer chamber into an area to the north east and are blocked by... a... uhh... bird?


And things get... weird...











We dust off the shame and confusion and move on up and... wtf? A snail? Really? Someone wants to be an over-sexualized anthromorphic SNAIL?? A 'slimey' I guess?























Classy motherfucker.












CLASSY. MOTHERFUCKER. Panties be droppin' like he roll up in the club and jus order 5 shot patron per titty he slap.









Well, last time I chose not to bother with this shit and just passed it on but this time I'm not playing for me, I'm playing for the glory of Herr Kodicksia, and so we must trudge ever so courageously into the endless depths of darkness that rests in the heart of every ma-- snail.




We make our way to the west and talk to the Fox in question:











We'll go through in order and gather as much info as we can.














Oh thank fucking god!





We find ourselves in an Inn that seems to be run by JabberJaw of all (fish)people.




What is this I don't even










Ma brutha, always got my back












Hmm... well, clearly we should pay attention to what not only the Fox said but also the underlying motivations that would drive her to hold those attitudes and beliefs. We must tap the core of why she oh fuck this shit




Yeah, shut the fuck up Balthios you snail loving .125% black jew bastard.





Shit is coming together rreeaaalllll good-like, a hya hya hnyaaaahhhh







Fuckin' Brilliance all up in here:






Fuck that fucking snail and his fucking fuck-face fox fucker fucking FUCKING ADFAS FFFS FFS FUCKAFFUCUFCUUUUUUKKKADSFA



These shit-yiffing bastards better appreciate the sheer amount of ass I'm not stomping right now.















Wait... do ... do snails even have a penis?





My boy Bawukey's got his mind on the money and that money ain't going clink clank in my pocket right now, that snail faced yiffin' ass bitch ass punk ass.... ass.



I hear ya broheim ;(

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b83/Mikayel/Barkley/two/000159

But wait, what is that flame like orb that was left there...
[img]http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b83/Mikayel/Barkley/two/000160.jpg




Uhh okay, I guess...



Let's see how this thing holds up....


Well... holy fucking shit. That is awesome. Balthios' stats just got boosted from two-pump-chump to skeet ex machinae.

Anyway, we make our way to the item shop (entrance was directly north of the fox's corner.



^^^ donno wtf happened there, nothing important either way...







/single tear

We head on over to Quick Draw Mcgraw to see what he's got for us:


Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet


We proceed to deck out like crazy, sell some of our old shit (but hang on to the b-ball that Lebron left us, for sentimental reasons [no really, it's not needed for anything later on, I just hung on to it cuz it's unique]



Yeah well fuck you too buddy. Oh hey a door!


SUCK A BAG OF BABY DICKS YOU HORSE FACED BITCH (sorry Andy)

We head back out to the main chamber and find some... ummm well, I donno wtf he's supposed to be but whatever.
















Really? A fucking Turkey? Fuck this, I'm calling you Denise from now on you turtle looking land before time lookin' byatch.





After getting our existential compass all twisty-wobbly we make way to the corner to talk to the... Booboo the bear?



Easy Barkley, easy... all in due time mein freund. All in due time.

Kinda wish I could just curb-stomp the little git but oh well.


We head back to the Inn to rest up


...and end up dumping a bit of filthy juden lucre.


Oh hey look, more freaks of (ab)nature! Let's go say Hiii ^__^ !!!






The item shop itself isn't very important but... what the fuck is that thing supposed to be? He's a furry of a ... tumbleweed? A little cabin made of Popsicle sticks? What the hell is it? Anyway, we get that crack and roll out



And finally we get done with this tangential bullshit and return back to course...




Dude, was fucking ANYONE vaguely normal in this nauseating pit? The should-be-dead half cyborg basket ball player we found next to the still-functioning vending machine and talking japanophile gas pump is the most normal person here... anyway, whatever, go on...



Annnnnnd this seems like a good place to quit, but first, let's dodge some fan-boi jizz as we learn some shockingly accurate stuff about just how much the 'Kwa is doomed.






And now, I bid you all... adieu.


Next time we meet with the ever elusive Cyber Dwarf and learn what must be done to... uhh... well... actually now that I think about it we don't really have a quest. We got framed for a second chaos-dunk that killed hundreds of thousands and have been on the run since MJ showed up at the door...

Oh well, guess we'll find out what we're supposed to find out in our next installment of...

TALES. OF INTER- fuck you Mik, get a better joke >;(

top work.

Fuck yeah, furfags.

Best game, or best game EVER?

Cesspool X , the perfect city for the codex to live in

Awesome stuff, keep it up man.

I'm gonna aim each update to be from save-point to save-point, probably every 4-5 days or so.

Only thing I'm worried about is commentary; the game is so ridiculous on its own account that its somewhat difficult to pepper it up with lulz-talk or anything like that. So far I've mostly been posting my own thoughts at the time of the event in conjunction with the pictures.

Would you guys want more commentary, leave as is, or whatever happens happens?

Mikayel said:

Would you guys want more commentary, leave as is, or whatever happens happens?

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You're doing pretty well so far, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I was disappointed there was no side quest about wiping out Cesspool-X.

Great lp :clap:

awshit nigga

Hieromancer said:

Mikayel said:

Would you guys want more commentary, leave as is, or whatever happens happens?

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You're doing pretty well so far, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

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you only really need lulz when the game doesn't deliver.

update?

COMING TONIGHT ACTUALLY!

Sorry, been busy with midterms and book formatting and getting drunk on nights and blah blah blah

I'm drunk too but that doesn't stop me from wornking on my next chapter ! Get on your drunken ass and provide !

Good evening and welcome back, Trannies and Gents. Today we return to our heroes as they were preparing to meet with the legendary Cyber Dwarf and finally learn what exactly is going on. Who slammed that second Chaos Dunk? Why is Balthios running around in a Burka? What is Vinceborg's mission that has been lost? AND WHY THE FUCK DID IT TAKE SO LONG TO UPD... err right, anyway, we're off!

We tune in to see our heroes having just entered the lair of the CyberDwarf deep in the anals(sic) of Cesspool-X.








HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF JESUS WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?

















Ermm… wait, what? You cats gonna bust a Darth Vader on me all of a sudden?







Oh… shit…





!!!
















Cool! Before we head out, let’s check out what our newfound comrade is capable of!





Cyber Dwarf is basically a heavy set fighter/healer type, a cleric in a sense. His two ‘dwarfy’ abilities are either full heal or half heal + random stat boost. Not bad overall, and they don’t use up a lot of BP so we can rely on him without having to break his functionality when we reach a boss.












After we regain control we head north and are quickly met with these douche-nozzles.





The droids don’t do much damage (30-60 per hit, depending on what they do and to whom) but we can’t waste time on them. The Dread Refs have the ability to call in another Dread Ref with no limit, and a single one that isn’t quickly taken out can very easily summon an army in just a few turns. Aside from that, one of their attacks does quite a bit of damage so we’re forced to focus our efforts on him first.







This is also a good time to show Cyber Dwarf’s attack mini-game, he has a timer that starts to run out and each ‘button’ does a different type of attack. Jab’s take less time but do a bit less damage than Kicks, and to be honest I’m not sure how the Finisher works quite yet, but we’ll get there. He manages to put the ending fist to the Dread Ref before he can cause to much trouble and we leave vinceborg2050 to clean up the mess with his Disemboweling stare.












We choose the left route as there’s less of a maze and also a goody to pick up (2 chicken dews, healing item) but we come across something… peculiar…













We continue up north when suddenly…























OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAPS!





Balthios uses one of his newfound Zaubers, the Lighting Zauber (good damage multiple times, pretty flashy move too)




And Barley decides he needs to juice up as his VP is getting low, sparkly twilight fags stand aside, lemme show you how a true baller handles this shit.
















Fuck yeah bra









Heavy shit bro…







We make our way back out to Cyber Dwarf’s lair and head out north from Cesspool-X





:groan:





The western path leads us out back to neo-New York next to the church and we go in to find Hoopz





But something has gone terribly, terribly wrong…
























Hmmm, do you know something we don’t CD?





Wha… what is going … oh god, don’t tell me you were meant to…









FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU







OH FUCKKK OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK





Ok, you guys gotta listen to this glorious song that plays for this boss fight, it just pumps me the fuck UP!










Knowing full well how capable Vinceborg is of annihilating us with his ridiculous attack power, we unleashed fucking EVERYTHING on his ass until our BP was running low (CD was healing) and finally Barkley jams the fuck out of his face with a forward free throw that knocks Vinceborg out of the fight.





But Jordan isn’t gonna take this lying down…. (fun fact, that’s actually a re-palletted sprite from Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker with some top-notch photo-editing skills for the gun add-in…)








As you can see, Jordan’s shots do different levels of damage depending on who it hits (CD takes the most, where-as Balthios barely even feels it), we waste the rest of our BP on him and finally put him down with CD pummeling his face in. The fight gives us enough moxy to bump on up to level 5 with Balthios and CD learning a new ability each.

Blobert said:

…TRUE BROS DON’T BACKSTAB BROS IN COLD BOLD BRO…

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Preach on broheim, preach on…






















Damn, this is getting kinda heavy and deep…














You gotta love any fictional setting that counts the Space Jam as canon events.


























Sooo… just regular New York?


Nope….



























Well, apparently I lied and put all 230+ pictures in the update at once!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH.

Next time we meet a long lost friend who would probably feel right at home at the Codex and learn some chillingly chilling secrets from a grimdark past that has been buried and forgotten, literally.

Also, I really feel that you guys are missing out on the momentum of the game by not hearing the music. Do yourselves a favor and download the game and just go through the Music folder. Or play the whole thing ;D

TILL NEXT TIME MOFACKS

You can give the femur to the dog in cesspool. He gives a nice speed boost item.

AL LIN DUE TIME

I haven't left cesspool yet, and yes that is how we get them kicks Barkley commented on earlier.

Al bhed ?

I love how the game was written in a serious style with dramatic moments and grimdark in spite of its lulz plot and premise.