In Progress Let us fight the minions of the cross and the crescent in CKII: The Old Gods

[Ackermanus]

Amazing LP so far, keep on going. Seconding B aswell, how the fuck did Hungary get up their though, aren't they supposed to lose all their old counties the moment they declare the kingdom of Hungary?

Yup, don't really know what happened there. Likely some inheritance shenanigans, or perhaps they keep a claim even if they lose the lands? Don't really know.

Anyway, new update!


Part 6: Kambiz I: Sod Alzheimer's

Spoiler

The coronation ceremony is sadly cut rather short due to the war, with many of the elector counts being absent as they lead their armies against the infidels. For their part, the other major players in Khiva quickly side with the lord of Tabriz in an attempt to keep a semblance of balance of power within the realm.

We are not interested in a prolonged war, so we assault the first holding (which has few defenders) but we are held out at the other ones in the region. Some of the vast wealth of the Bavandids has to be spent on soldiers of fortune so we don't conquer lands to the West only to lose some on the East.

You can't trust the degenerate centaurs to do anything without proper Persian leadership.

That's better.

Now to handle internal affairs. We have HERESY, but I am pretty sure this is just a tantrum because he doesn't have some land within his de-jure duchy.

Sure enough.

Maybe this will pay off in the long term, who knows?

Oh you. I think this is the start of a beautiful relation between us.

And we have people plotting against us, because apparently people aren't too keen on losing land. I could try to bribe him or assassinate him, but it's not worth the hassle really. I could try fabricating a claim, but those truces keep getting in the way.

So we'll have to bide our time, and...

As before, the Grand Alliance of Peace is formed.

Honestly though, even more than before, they don't really stand a chance.

Huh. Okay then, christian leader of the Cuman band, you are so weird I'll just let you go.

One step closer to complete Zoroastrian domination.

Oh really now?

Also, surprise, peasant revolt.


A genuine shock comes later however, when it becomes apparent that all the dukes favor a female heir. And no, I'm not voting for her, this must be genuine cultural progress. Either that or she is using her feminine charms and vile magicks to sway everyone else.

Also, the the Blob of the North has engulfed a successor state.

Great. Anyway, the War of Idiotic Aggression is finally over. That means a huge ransom, huzzah!

Kambiz is happy. All this cash will serve to further his ambitions of... what was it, exactly?

Well, that's not good.

That's a low blow dude. I thought we were friends. If you are going to be like that, I will be forced to install another puppet in your place. Pretending to be my ally just until I... I... Sod it, die!

Good luck, have fun!

But what's this?

A vassal being useful? Wait, the same one I converted to the one true faith? Was it him? I'm not sure anymore. But we have to prolong the war as long as possible, so he won't be forced to stand down. Why would he have to stand down?

Modern reimagining of Kambiz's later years, translated to more easily please an audience of ignorant crossgod tards.

Do not worry sweet Kambiz. We, the spirits of the incline, will guide your country while you sleep. No peace for the subhuman hordes until all is ours.

And with the assurance that those above will guide his spirit and his successors, Kambiz rose to paradise above. All hail the the new ruler of the true Persians, Afsaneh!

Next time, we will continue our push towards Georgia, righteous wars will keep burning through the lands of our ancestors, and we will suffer treachery so vile the heavens themselves will cry in outrage.

 

[Ackermanus]

'Sup.

Part 7: Afsaneh: I'll make a man out of you

Spoiler

The first emira of the Bavandids was widely known as a reasonable, diplomatic individual, which goes a long way to explaining why the vile follower of the prophet, who happened to carry his name, surrenders to the rightful rulers of Persia as soon as she takes the throne.

Afsaneh does not accept it immediately however, for as before our proud and pious vassals are using this opportunity to conquer lands for themselves, since for now they are free to declare holy wars. This extension of the war leads to some setbacks.

But as always, the phoenix that represents our proud dynasty, much more than a mere eagle, rises and pummels the unworthy into dust.

And our armies are afterwards sent to conquer a small independent county, undoubtedly rebelling against its petty kings. Another bid for the king of Khiva to gain some power.

Which, it turns out, is not a very wise decision when your levies are already exhausted from a civil war, which leads to:

We do not much care, however. Whoever wins will be a treacherous infidel, so we might as well take care of our own business, like taking some a town in a county which unwisely did not throw their loyalties with the right side.

At first I was weary of all these wars, but my advisors guaranteed me that it would be “fun”. I must admit, there is something empowering in spreading the faith with the sword. Goes a long way to explaining why it's one of the two things everyone here thinks about.

Sure, whatever, I'm just glad I get to talk to you people again, I, who am the spirit that has guided your predecessors to glory. Also, how come you look like that and not norse like in the game paintings?

That's because the codex had an avatar purge, and I think DU is playing a joke on a guy who wanted this avatar badly, so everyone but him gets it.

How do you... nevermind, let us continue.

So, all the civil wars led to the nearby kingdom of Persia seeing us as weak. That is a mistake they will soon regret making.

As soon as I finish the other war that is. Naturally, it does not take long for the pig to be on his knees.

Now this part comes rather more naturally. A few bribes and false promises and we get another claim to secure my family's future.

Not so fast. First, we have to make sure our incompetent king does not lose to the false persian lord. Funny, how in our history we switch from fighting for him to fighting him in a matter of months.

We suffer a minor defeat however, so we once more have to rely on mercenaries. Not a problem with our vast wealth.

More like it.

I'll let the man deal with the rest, he sure needs the self-esteem boost. In the meantime, it's time we get down to more interesting business than defending.

Textbook operation. A minor alliance is gathered against us but... yeah.

While we revel in our victory, the nominal king is invaded by some berserks in boats. We won't care about that unless and until we have to.

Mostly because we have to deal with the unwashed, unmannered and unwelcome masses.

…

Like most rebellions in history, this one ends badly.

Now we do have to deal with the viking invasion, even though for some reason I suspect the king still won't love me after this. Fucking camel-loving-

Easy there miss, my LP is too prestigious for us to stoop so low.

And you are right, he decides instead to reward a family member of yours with the title of duke, the bastard. We lost some territory and a vassal, but at least he is our kin, and so our ally, right?

Right?

Please?

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

'Bout time.



remove kebab REMOVE KEBAB

 

[Fafnir]

 

[LusciousPear]

Yessssss remove

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Ackermanus]

A month in the half in the making, the update that will forever be known as the greatest disappointment in the history of codex LPs.


The Time of Troubles

Spoiler

There is only one thing worse than a family member turning into a debauched follower of the false god, and that is for one to become a heretic. However, since we do not live in the dark future, we can be reasonable about this and ask politely for said heretic to abandon his ways. After a we transfer an equally reasonable amount of funds to his account.

If only all issues were so easily solved...

Mazda does not take such betrayals lightly, and the Bavandids are visited by calamity upon calamity for their lack of faith and for their decadent ways. Without the avatar of the hivemind to guide her into our hearts, Afsaneh finds herself struggling against these titans without the possibility to crack a meta joke.

Signs that the great renewal (removal as it is known in the holiest of zoroastrian tomes) is at hand, or the start of an unending age of darkness?





Whatever the case, Bavandids will do what they do, and that is to drive pointy sticks into the enemy.

The war was won, but peace still needed to be secured, and that would never happen unless the crown authority in the pretender kingdom was lowered, so the rights of the true persians would never be threatened again.

Sadly, Afsaneh was unable to take action at this time, for while it would be clear to an impartial observer that she was the defender, the muslims saw the war as a rebellious act of aggression, meaning retribution would have to wait until the truce had expired.


Nevertheless, another lesson in humility would be taught to the Shah, as he once more required the aid of the true queen to save his lands.

Of course, since defeat here would mean a heavy blow for our effort, and likely the start of the end for us, we may as well go all out.

Oh, and while we are at it, let us make a move completely out of spite ourselves, shall we?

Traitor.


In any event, the mere threat of the invincible armies of the eagle marching upon his lands (as well as a few key sieges and battles) is enough to force a surrender out of the king of the as yet oppressed Persians.

Finally, a time of peace. And in times of peace, we prepare for war. There are, after wall, ways around a truce.

As hitmen are brought from an alternate universe branched from the great codex tree, from the lands of the Baltic, Afsaneh is assaulted by threats not merely to her body, but to her very soul.

After some searches, the man behind this heresy found, apparently an infidel seeking to divide us by spreading corrupting ideas to the populace.

He is banished to another continent however, and the threat is suppressed.

Thus allowing the united faithful to deal a most vicious blow to The Enemy.

Sadly, placing a boy on a throne has some negative consequences on the perceived strength of a realm.

We cannot beat those things, so we might as well declare the definite this time for real war of Bavandid independence.

Y u never surrender peacefully?

Hard times are upon us, but after we are free we have a few options available to us and...

Well... crap.

What course will the Bavandids take now? Will the next update come before two months have passed?